what to do ?

Andrea - posted on 05/27/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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my husband started a new job out of town, but since then he asks a hundred questions about what I do all day. He says that facebook is a booty call from what he hears from others and it upsets me because I am here all day long and when I get on the computer I am not doing anything but talking to friends and looking up information. I talked to him and even showed him what I do on here and he promised to quit "joking" but now it's turning into- "when I call you it seems like you are short with me" or "what r u doing talking to your boyfriend". What should I say or do to get him to stop? It really hurts my feelings and he knows it. He was previously married and she did cheat on him but that was so long ago that he should be over it right?

6 Comments

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Amanda - posted on 06/05/2009

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I just recently left a controlling relationship, so please understand I mean all this with the best intentions. Don't let him make you feel bad or guilty for something that his ex wife did! And don't let him be controlling, and yes it is a controlling relationship if he says facebook is a booty call and you have to show him what exactly you do on the internet!

Lauren - posted on 06/03/2009

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Hey andrea,

My husbands last girlfriend cheated on him aswell, and has often made jokes or comments about me having a boyfriend on the side or our children not being his, etc etc. At first it really annoyed me and made me upset because i thought he didn't trust me, and i felt like i wasn't doing enough in our relationship to show him I loved him.

When someone cheats on you it totally makes you feel worthless, not good enough, you question whether or not it was your fault and you wonder what's so wrong with you, and you can even doubt who are. Your husbands previous marriage may have been along time ago but these kinds of insecurities can hang around for so long, he might not even know he still feels this way.

My advise would be "never under-estimate the power of communication". We have found the best way to work through problems in our marriage is to get some alone time together (which is so hard!), but maybe when the kids are having a nap or organise a day when my mum can have a them for playdate. We usually go for a walk, or have a cuppa out on the lawn, as long as we feel relaxed & comfortable with each other. I let my husband know exactly how I feel and try to stay really calm because he gets confused if I'm too emotional or i give a complex 'womans' explaination. When we talked about this cheating issue it was really important for him to hear from me that he was not stupid for feeling the way he did and that it was totally okay that he had these feelings. I think by letting him know that I understood why he felt that way he was able to talk openly to me about what was bothering him and how he felt about the whole thing. My husband and i always finish up our conversation with what we need from each other to feel good and thank each other for the things we are already doing to make each other feel good. Something simple like: I need you to trust that I love you & that i wont cheat on you....Thankyou for letting me have a sleep in this morning, I felt really special! I know it sounds cheesy & I laughed when my Mum gave me these tips, but it has really worked for us!!

I know I have rambled on but I hope that something I've said helps...good luck with everything & let us know how you go..



xxx

Katrina - posted on 06/03/2009

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sounds to me he is being an arse and needs to stop treating you like that....sorry! He needs to start trusting u and yeah "get over it" that was his ex, you are hus wife and nothing like the ex. He needs to understand that being home all day everyday with a child is all work, hard work and when its that time for you to have, get on the computer do what u want. When my husband comes home every night, i do my own thing, he plays with our son etc!! I hope he gets better for you :)

Jyoti - posted on 06/03/2009

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u can tell him my friends are just friendswith with whom i like to connect to remain sane with a child around me and u r my husband, who is irreplaceable.i hope he feels secure with it.little amount of insecurity is fine but if it is more and your doing all this does not help, then he needs to see a counsellor.

Leslie - posted on 05/27/2009

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i would just start saying that i was talking to my boyfriend, not to hurt him but it will remind him of what you are feeling. or turn the tables on him say im home with the kids and he is the one with the girlfriend i dont think it would take long for him to change his tune hahaha just a suggestion

Natalie - posted on 05/27/2009

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He is pretty much scared that u are goin to cheat on him too! He hasnt gotten over that insecurity yet! Tell him that u are not his ex wife and that he cant hold what she did against u! Tell him that it is not funny! He needs to get over what she did to him that is all I can really say! Hope it helps!

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