What to do? SEXLess Marriage

Evone - posted on 12/27/2010 ( 45 moms have responded )

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I have been married for only a year and we have a sex-less marriage. My husband says i am addicted to sex but i'm not. It's just that we maybe have sex what twice in a whole month? i don't get it...he dosen't have trouble getting it up or nothing, but it's like he wants it when he wants it, and when it is my turn to want it, i get all type of excuses..but let me say no to him...then i get the your my wife speech and your supposed to please me..i am at the the point where i now masturbate..excessively...i never had to before, and now when we are intimate i don't feel anything anymore...its like i got into fits if i don't have sex....i hate this shit and i just want answers or opinions. I shouldn't have to beg for sex, but it's what i have to do. I am not used to a man that i am with turning me down. i tried to explain to my husband that love is not enough and that i cannot be in a sexless marriage especially since we are still NEWLY WEDS!! I know he is not cheating...but it makes me wonder what else can be going on..please comment

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Trish - posted on 12/27/2010

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Buy a big giant dildo! Only kidding...You need to tell your man that you want him. Dress more sexy...wear no undies...get your man in the mood for you.When he comes home...jump his bones. Kiss him passionately...and give some hugs. Also sleep naked, that does the trick sometimes. Watch porn together...unless you go church...then don't.



Communication is the best tool. How is your man suppose to know all these things...Men are not mind readers. And be straight up about your feelings and your wants...and ask him why he's like this.I know men can be tired after work...and stressed out. Just gotta make him feel sexy. Give him massages after work...all that good stuff. You know what they say..."if you want it...you better work for it"...and I'll tell you...Marriage is work...As a newly wed no one really tells you...but it is. Marriage is work. The longer you guys are married you'll know what I mean. You gotta work at keeping your relationship alive...because things change all the time. They may look the same on the outside...but inside things are slowly changing. Sorry for that rant...anyways....



If all that sexy stuff fails...buy that big giant dildo...and turn your man down all the time too so he knows how it feels too.



Sorry one more thing I reckon some men play on their wives because they either not feeling appreciated or not getting head. I mean blow jobs blow a man's mind. I mean if you want that ding-a-ling...you better go down more often and randomly. Make him sing hehehe.



P.S: Don't beg for sex...one time my husband was too tired one night and didn't want to do "it" and you know what...I just took it from him. I mean it was like mini rape that I did to him. He was like "no baby...I'm tired...don't"....but too late...I got mine...and girl you better get yours.



Good luck I hope this helps

Amanda - posted on 12/27/2010

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I'd actually suggest therapy. It helps for both of you to talk to an unbiased party so that you can communicate better. There could be some issues that need to be resolved. My husband doesn't respond at all when I'm worked up, but if I manage to stay calm it seems to sink in. But really, if my husband was like that, I'd tell him to shove it the next time he tried to guilt me into sex. Marriage should be a partnership.

Shay - posted on 12/29/2010

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Do you think he is stressed out about something?? I know that I had to step back and take a look at myself a while back...things were weird and where i just took a step back and asked the questions and ACCEPTED the responses things have been much better!!! Try to sit and talk and even if you don't like the answer try and accept it and state your opinion and leave it alone!!! See what happens...

Jennifer - posted on 12/27/2010

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At our house, it is the complete opposite. After having 4 kids, I have no sex drive. So, I might be able to give you a little different point of view. After a long day at home taking care of kids and cleaning house (I am a stay at home mom), I want to be able to enjoy a quiet shower and just do something just for me. The last thing I really want to do is spend my evening worrying about another person's pleasure. I know that sounds really selfish, but I can't help it. I don't feel sexy and I don't have any desire. Don't get me wrong, I am still madly in love with my husbnd, I just don't want to have sex. The more he pushes me for it, the more I resent him. He has learned that if he backs off, he actually gets it more often, because I don't feel so pressured. Maybe your man is feeling pressured also.

Candace - posted on 12/27/2010

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When you sitdown and have talks with him about your feelings what is his reaction? I personally feel like if you're willing to have sex with him when he wants it then he should be willing to do the same thing sometimes. It shouldn't be only when he wants it.

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Amanda - posted on 08/01/2012

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I know how you feel. When we first started dating it was great had sex a lot even in the shower. Haven't done the shower thing with him in years. Oh and the sex thing maybe once every month to month in a half and for only 3-5 minutes so it's more like slam, bamm, thank you ma'am. We spend more time taking off clothes then we do having sex. I have lost all feelings towards him when it comes to sex. We just don't talk and I have tried and even told him how I felt. All I get is I'm sorry and a blank stare. I've had 4 kiddos and don't look like it, I constanlty think that I am fat but then when I tell people I'm dieting they look at me like I'm crazy. Others find me attractive but it's hard for me to feel that way about myself when my own husband won't touch me until he wants it. It's almost like your monthly coming and you know eventually it will come at least that one time a month...I've really just given up on our sex live or the lack of. We are like roommates. But if I'm going to be a roommate that cooks, cleans house, work full time, take care of kiddos and go to school on line and feel like a single parent then why am I married doing the exact same thing. I have started to question is it worth staying married. I know sex isn't all that makes a marriage but we don't talk or show affection and I love my husband but I'm really not feeling the being in love anymore.

Raina - posted on 07/29/2012

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Men are VERY weird creatures. I wish I could help, but most of the time I feel like my husband doesn't want anything to do with me sexually when the lights are on and even at night its on his terms NOT mine.

Raina - posted on 07/29/2012

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Men are VERY weird creatures. I wish I could help, but most of the time I feel like my husband doesn't want anything to do with me sexually when the lights are on and even at night its on his terms NOT mine.

Meredith - posted on 07/29/2012

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Wow, I am an extremly sexual person. You should be rewarded for being so patient with your little man. You definatly need some hard cock. I'm not being perverted but a woman can go just so long without it.

Susan - posted on 12/30/2011

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after 16 years of sex refused I filed divorce. I am much happier now. But still used to no sex but if I find one i want to them could be happy.

Yolande - posted on 01/01/2011

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I have the same issue. My husband doesnt have an issue "getting it up" but claims he has a degenerative "sex problem" because his grandfather cant have sex anymore. It seems so pathetic and he calls me a sex addict for wanting it once a week. But yeah I am only 20 years old - what does he expect. He was my first and only partner he has had many and is 27. I have found that masturbating in front of him sometimes works since men love it and get in the mood too and want to please u then all of a sudden. Teasing him also works. When youve got a moment suck on it just a little bit till its slightly erect and stop and do something and do it again later etc. By bed time (wear something not apparently obviously sexy but not disgusting old PJs or whatever or even go to bed naked!) he will be all over u. Other thing Ive learned - no reason to argue - i find his low libido actually makes my man feel shitty so dont contribute to it by making him feel shit about it. Lately my hubby has actually started initiated sex again because i just leave him. Good luck!
It may never be the same again but be patient and it will get better - do whatever u can from your side.

Jessie - posted on 01/01/2011

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is he a weight lifter? if so then that could have alot to do with it especially if he is serious into it, my husband lifts and guys need all that testosterone to get the most out of it

Nicole - posted on 01/01/2011

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I haven't read any of the previous posts...

Could he have low testosterone levels??? Hormones usually fluctuate and maybe when he is wanting sex, his testosterone level is at a high point making him sexually interested.... I don't know???? Just a thought... But, I am sure that he will have a tough time to becoming willing to get it checked out. ;o)

Also, does he drink, smoke or take any medications? I've heard that sometimes things like that can effect sex drive.

How old is he? Is he much older than you??? Most men have their testosterone peak in their teens and it starts to already fall in their 2os. This fall in testosterone could also effect sex drive.

I hope it gets better.

Misty - posted on 01/01/2011

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If he gives you the "you're my wife" speech give him the "you're my husband" speech.

Annalishea - posted on 12/31/2010

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You have to communicate this to him if u have already then find other ways to get him interested or to spark things up i thnk all married couples or just ppl that been together for a while go thru these things try something new when he finally is ready to have sex or find other ways to please yourself cause you cant wait around for weeks for him

Monique - posted on 12/31/2010

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hey me and my husbad went through this rough patch after i had my kids and the last fewm months of my pregnancies, it was rough but we talked about it and for awhile we did other intamate things for each other i would suggest maybe you should try not pleasing your self for awhile since it seems like you are doing it to replace him and if you dont enjoy your husband as much when you hav already done it i suggest be coy and just try to win him again like when you were dating the game of love is tricky

Sarah - posted on 12/31/2010

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I'd like to say first that his attitude about "its the wife's job to please me" is complete nonsense. We can only please ourselves and a marriage is a partnership not servitude.

That being said, I really feel for you. I've been married for 5 years, and we've really had our ups and downs. After my son was born, I completely lost interest in sex but still tried to do it for my husbands sake because I knew he needed it. There have been times where we've just been like a see-saw, I want it and he doesn't, he wants it but I don't. Now that I have a 7 month old, we both want to, but we can never find the time to. It can be really hard!

Throughout all of it, the one thing I've realized is that the more we try to make it into this big production, the less we both enjoy it. I know that we love each other, I know that we are attracted to each other so I don't sweat it if we hit a dry spell. I know that may not be the case for you because your marriage is so new, but trust me, if you concentrate more on the love you have for each other, the lovemaking will follow.

SAC - posted on 12/30/2010

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Wow, definitely a can of worms and a lot of really good advice and very humorous but appealing too. I have been married for 28 years and have gone through this and other things many times over. There is usually a reason behind a man's drive falling. Could be work and he is genuinely tired and it really is nothing personal. Could be he is using it against you. Could be many things. The most important thing in a lasting marriage is to learn acceptance and your way around the other person. What I mean is you need to know what makes your man tick to get him to respond properly. Sometimes, indifference makes them see you in a different light. Try being aloof and don't pay him any attention. It won't take him long before he's gonna be doing everything he can to please you. Spoil him in all the other ways, but keep the goodies to yourself and flaunt them just enough that he can't help but notice. Be seductive in a calm quiet indifferent manner...make him think you are fine without him...but keep yourself near enough that he sees that leg or glimpse of the rear. Be soft, be a woman in every other way that pleases him, like a really good home cooked meal waiting for him when he gets home if it is around dinner time. Be sweet...kill him with kindness and make him know why you got married in the first place. Don't pressure, but do...just in little seductive ways that he won't realize what hit him and it keeps the wolves at bay. Bottom line is, if you really love your man...show him why he loves you as much as possible and he won't be able to resist giving you some of the best lovin' you have ever had...especially if there is Love. And should the day come that he does have real problems, learn to be considerate of it and realize you will need to find another way to please yourself. It can be a difficult thing when you have a stronger drive than your mate, but you can find ways around that. Take care of yourself some of the time and make yourself irrisistable without throwing yourself at him...be coy and seductive...try it you may find it very useful in keeping your man happy...oh and throw in some of the other stuff that some of the ladies are talking about...you just never know what will work. Only you know your man and why you guys got married. Use your knowledge of him or take the time to get to know him a little better so you will know how to hit him below the belt. I figure, if you really love your man, you'll get to know how to keep your man by not chasing him away with needless fights and accusations. There's always somebody out there who doesn't want to fight with him...why would you want to? KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS.

Kelly - posted on 12/30/2010

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Have him go have a blood test done to test his testorane levels my husbands was low so he had no sex drive once he started to use the gel the dr perscribed for him i couldn't keep him off of me good luck

Sheryl - posted on 12/30/2010

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well i am a wife who has been married for five years. i can till you sex is not all that marriage is about. but if i where you is talk to him about it and maybe even go to a conc. to maybe help with talking to him about it. best of luck hang in there!

Brianna - posted on 12/30/2010

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no sex is usually a result of a different problem. are you guys getting along otherwise? cuz in my experince this happens when the relationship is on the rocks

Mary Renee - posted on 12/30/2010

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wow, that's tough. I in a similar opposite situation if that's possible. When my boyfriend and I got together it was ALWAYS about sex, in fact, I don't think we actually had enough in common outside of the bedroom but we just always enjoyed having sex so we stayed together. Like you, however, it was always on his terms.

Then it started bothering me that it was always on his terms, and when I wanted affection - not even sex, just affection - he was tired or annoyed or wanted to be alone. Also he can be a "selfish" lover. He loves BJs but has maybe serived me twice in our entire 4 year relationship, usually after I've been gone on vacation for a few weeks and he really misses me.

After my daughter was born the doctor gave us the green light for sex but we fought so much about the baby (basically I'm the woman, I do everything for the baby and household, he's the breadwinner, but he barely gives me $70 a week for groceries and diaper expenses -which is nothing out here in Hawaii where the cost of living is ridiculous and apples are $4/lbs!) that we were always too mad at each other to have sex. Now we're probably like you, only having sex twice a month, and always on his terms, because most of the time we're mad at each other. It's horrible! I'm only 24 years old and already back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm cute too, haha, we deserve better!

I don't know what to tell you except that a relationship WITH sex but with out a good connection is probably just as bad as a sexless marriage.

I don't know what is wrong with these men, blech, but I'm with you girl! I know how you feel!!!

Laura - posted on 12/30/2010

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Buy toys. Be creative and sexy...have everything done for him before he comes home from work and give plenty of time for 'things to happen' after dinner......

Vicki - posted on 12/30/2010

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Reading this makes me think "Whoa, spoilt brat or what?''

Maybe your hubby feels sex with you is a chore and not a pleasure as you seem so demanding over it. You dont mention that you miss the intimacy or closeness of sex, just the deed itself.

Sorry to seem so harsh but maybe its him you should be speaking too x

Sarah - posted on 12/29/2010

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Dominic I am in the same situation. How long did your dry spell last?? What can I do to help move it along? I have tried everything but my bf only seems to be pulling away even more :(

Sarah - posted on 12/29/2010

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Ohhhh girl I feel your pain!! But I think my situation is even worse :( My bf and I had been dating for 4 years when I got pregnant unexpectedly. Before I was pregnant we had sex all the time...he couldn't keep his hands off of me actually! Anyways since becoming pregnant he never ever wants to have sex. Our son is now 8 months old and we have had sex 5 times in the last year...maybe longer ...and every one of those times it was me who initiated it...and I had to do all the work. Its horrible. I feel so unloved...unattractive...unwanted etc. Its hard when your sex life changes without your consent! We are in counseling and I hope it helps before its too late. I just wanted to say that I know how you are feeling its tough!!but at least he wants you sometimes! ! :)

Christina - posted on 12/29/2010

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Have you tried spicing things up? My husband says he gets bored with the same old things, so we try new positions, new everything. We experiment with stuff sexually with eachother, and have a blast.

ChrisTina - posted on 12/29/2010

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WHats is all this "your my wife and your here to please me" BS!? I left my first husband for doing shit like that! I'm sorry but that sounds like a completely unfair marriage. I'm a very sexual woman and have needs, but my man now and suto-daddy to my son would never turn me down so cold. I feel for you sweetheart. Dont put up with it! Be strong, or your babies will see this and treat there future mates the same cold ways! Love you! Be Loved for you!

Dominic - posted on 12/29/2010

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well to me it sounds like he forgot that there are husbandly duties just like there are wifely duties. It's in the bible if he is religious, and if not then you have to tell him that it's not one sided. You two now have to make comprimises, that means that it's his job to please, protect, and honor you as it is your job to do the same. I've been married for four years and last year had that problem. Come to find out my husband was "afraid" of knocking me up but in order to know this i had to go through a year and a half of no sex, so yes I do understand. I hope this helps.

Christena - posted on 12/28/2010

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I am going through the same thing and we will be together almost 2 years now. It has started to get better. My husband is having a lot of issues letting go of his past and being able to fully enjoy sex. He prefers just cuddling and holding each other to sex. Where as I need sex and when I am turned down my self esteem is shot. I constantly talk to him about it because it is such an issue. I have suggested counseling but her refuses.He was engaged and lost his virginity to his ex fiance' and she cheated on him and tore him apart. He didn't get much time to heal when we met and I moved in right away. We are happy and in love and sex is our only downfall. You just have to be supportive and patient. It will get better. See if there are under lying issues. Maybe he was abused or got very depressed. I hope this helps and good luck!

Stifler's - posted on 12/28/2010

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I thought when we moved in together we would be doing it like rabbits too. But the honeymoon phase of not living together and him working away was over and it's really depressing when you want sex and he just pretty much says no to piss me off.

H.J - posted on 12/28/2010

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I know how you feel I had the expectation that when we got married hubby and I would be doing it like rabbits YEAH RIGHT!!! We went through a bit of a rough patch and having a little man running around doesn't help. Try letting him know how your feeling and listen to him when he tells you how he is feeling. Don't let him pull that your my wife crap! You have needs too. Maybe a therapist will help. Good luck

Korie - posted on 12/28/2010

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I had the same problem with my husband. It was like as soon as we got married the sex stopped. It was so bad that we would get into full blown fights about it and I would even cry bc it upset me so much. We fought over it for a year. Finally the only thing that worked was giving him a taste of his medicine. When I said no, I had to stick with it and mean it (which was hard bc I was sexually fustrated myself). Also you need to let him know that by him not wanting to have sex with you is making you less attracted to him or that's what it sounds like to me, I went through that too. Now we have a much better sex life.

Savona - posted on 12/28/2010

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"Your supposed to please me" ... PFFT can't play that card anymore. This isn't the 1800's where women had to do whatever the man wanted when they wanted. >.>

No you shouldn't have to beg for sex.. Hmmm...
Sex is indeed an important part of marraige! Facts have proven that theres a certain hormone thats released during intercourse that allows you to beable to connect with your partner on more then just a physical level. Not to mention the fact that the endorphins(feel good hormone XD) are released.

There is the possibility though that therapy could be taken as a personal attack. Perhaps there is something medically wrong that you guys are unaware of. Perhaps he has a mild case of depression? or hes on a "low-time" Its not like guys can't get those, they get them just as we do where 'you're just not in the mood' or whatnot.

Try talking it over with him again, if its getting to the point where you're at a loss of what to do completely I say to go on strike. If he doesn't budge then there must be something else going on right? Possibly?
I hope you find some good answers and what not =) Goodluck!

Stifler's - posted on 12/28/2010

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I feel your pain. Deny him sex. DENY DENY DENY. And he will want it again. He doesn't want it because you want it, that's what my husband reckons anyway amidst accusations that he is cheating and stuff and that I'm a sex addict.

Teresa - posted on 12/27/2010

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Wow sounds like he is not happy about something. If you did all you can do and if you think separation is best, then do what you have to do. I can't imagine being married to my husband for a year and he does not want to have sex. I was going to say to start doing romantic things to get him in the mood. You can have candle light dinners and dress up for him,but after reading your post, i am not sure what you should do. A marriage is 50/50 and if he is not willing to meet you half way then there is a problem!

Nicole - posted on 12/27/2010

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I was hard on my first husband for having such a low sex drive and I feel guilty about doing that, because I have been in his shoes since, and it felt lousy to feel pressured into sex.

That being said, if he is using sex as a means to control you, then shaming you for your interest in sex, that is not good.

I would suggest finding a good couples consellor that you both feel comfortable talking to.

Alecia - posted on 12/27/2010

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i agree with trish...if the main issue is sex and intimacy, then just go for it! giving head really makes a man want sex, at least it works for my man. but only if y'all want to work it out and dnt want to separate. the best way to sovle a sexual issue is just to go for it usually...men want action, not words. i hope it all works out for the best. good luck and God Bless!

Trish - posted on 12/27/2010

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Wow...just read your new post. Do you want a trial separation? I'm having a fall out with my husband right this minute...we haven't spoken properly like in 3 days first time. It feels like I hate his guts right now. When I look at him I just want to punch his face!!! I'm tired of being shot down for wanting to talk things out. I sometimes think men are not that great at listening. But if you love this man and your sex was great...and you don't want to separate. Fight for it. Make that change...if he isn't...you make that change. Then at least you know you tried. Give it time. I know sometimes when people get married people change like straight away...like putting that ring on that finger changed their personality. When you know you did everything to make this man happy and he still isn't putting out...and you're not happy...You better leave. Life is too short to be miserable. Good luck I honestly hope everything works out for you. Give it time.

Evone - posted on 12/27/2010

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All ur comments are helpful, but to Joanna, we had an amazing sex life before marriage....see, i married my best friend of five years and we had only just started having sex..because he knew me personally already, i didn't want sex..i wanted intimatcy first. sex came maybe 8 months before we got married and it stopped three months after. i thought about therapy and asked him but he's says the problem is me not him..but when i deny him i get "YOUR SUPPOSED TO! YOUR MY WIFE!, so now i have more time to think about all the other stuff that is wrong and i tell him that and he walks away..i'm considering legal seperation because now i see it's a cat n mouse game to him..i told him the same shit he did to get me is the same shit he's gotta do to keep me, and his responce to maybe a seperation was do what you have to.

Candi - posted on 12/27/2010

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My marriage was that way too. Of course it didn't end over sex, my ex was cheating on me. How was your sex life before you two were married and how long were you together before you got married to each other? I don't want to say that your man is cheating, because that might not be the possibilty. You could try therapy, that could help. I would definitely have a sit down and express my feelings about this. If he wants to give you the, your my wife and you should please me speech, the I would give him the your my husband speech and you should want to please me speech. That speech can work two ways. Of course, if he feels too pressured into sex, then that could cause him to back off from sex. You could try not asking for or mentioning sex and he might be in the mood a lot more often. Doesn't seem like to me that you are obsessed with sex, just seems that you have a higher sex drive than he does. That's not uncommon and can also be reversed with men having the higher drive. I know there are some books that have suggestions on how to respark your love life and maybe your man just needs a little push back in the right direction. It could be a number of things, but there are many ways to compromise for the both of you. Just have to try a couple of suggestions and see if anything starts to work.

Joanna - posted on 12/27/2010

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How long were you two together before you married? Was there pre-marital sex? How was it then?

Alecia - posted on 12/27/2010

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my hubby is kinda the same, though luckily he has been getting his libido back lately! i have always been used to men i was with wanting sex all the time...and we usually did :p but my hubby just doesnt want it as much so we both try to compromise. i would just sit and have a talk and tell him how u feel and ask him to open up to u. i totally believe that sex is an important part of marriage

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