when 2 tell ur child about his real dad

Liz - posted on 12/24/2009 ( 86 moms have responded )

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ive gt a 7yr old and hes never seen his dad my partner im with nw has bought him up since he was 1 and he calls him dad but i know 1 one of these days he will find out the truth

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Amy - posted on 12/30/2009

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You know I posted a comment on here a couple of days ago. BUT after reading alot of replies that actually were typed by someone that their parents waited till they were older made me set back and think and stress on this subject alot more. I broke down and told my seven year old two days ago. I didnt go into full detail just that we were so young and he was not ready and that her DADDY (the guys she knows as daddy) has always and will always be there. I told her she could ask me anything and funny thing is out of everything possible she just wanted to know hes name. I told her then she looked at her daddy and said "You are my dad"!! She has not spoke about it since. I know as time goes bye she will ask more questions, but honestly it went really well. I thought of a million different possible sutiations that could have occured and it was like I stressed myself out for nothing. I am truly thankful and glad I told her at this age. There is no difference whatsoever between her and her dad and I was glad that he also told our daughter that she could come to him for any questions too. I wish everyone in sutations like this nothing but the best,, because if you do not know what it is like its really hard to try to place yourself in anothers shoes!!

Sarah - posted on 01/05/2010

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I think the truth should be told from day 1....that is their story. Waiting until they are older is not going to change their story it will just add drama to their story and then they may resent you for not telling them the truth from the start. When you wait to tell them the issue becomes bigger and bigger. It becomes a big thing that then you have to figure out when,how, where, what age, etc. If told from day 1 they always know and will ask questions when they are ready for more info. You don't give them all the details and all the info. right away. You keep it simple and at age level. They will ask questions if they need more info. When you wait it then becomes a shameful thing because if it was not a shameful thing then why would you not tell me earlier. This then leads to them feeling bad about who they are because this is part of who they are. I would sit down with your son and say I should have told you this ealier, but I thought I was keeping you safe by not telling you. I would then let them know that I was wrong in holding back the info. I would also look for books that are written for that age that talk about this. You can find books from babies on up to adult that talk about this. He will find out and it is better to find out sooner than later and from you and not a family member or other kids.

Alanna - posted on 01/05/2010

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I am in the same situation with my 5 year old daughter. The last time I saw/heard from her "bio-dad" was when she was 3 days old. I met my now husband when she was 8 months. We have never flat out told her that he is not her real father but we have been leaving clues for her. She knows that it was just me and her when she was a baby. She also has been told that my husband became her dad when we go married. We made a big deal that ALL THREE of us were getting married. My husband has also since legally adopted her and we made a big deal out of that. She is too young right now to understand but someday she will start asking questions and when she does, we can say that we really never lied to her. My only prayer is that, once she does figure it out, it doesn't break my husband's heart if she does want to find her original dad. Just remember that being a dad has nothing to do with being of the same blood.

Diandra - posted on 12/30/2009

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Only you will know whey your son is ready for the truth. You are a good Mom don't rush it if you don't feel he is ready!

Rana - posted on 12/30/2009

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I think the decision is completely up to you but if you decide to tell him I'd wait a couple more yrs till he can understand better.

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Sandra - posted on 06/04/2014

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Above the Trees is a book that opens the door to that conversation. I wrote this for my daughter to explain the absence of her father in her life. It is written from a place of love, but opens the door for the understanding that there are all kinds of different families. I often read at the school and kids so love this book. I am just a single mom and was looking for something to help my daughter understand why her Dad was not in her life, because she needed answers to the questions, and I so struggled with finding the words. I was amazed that there are no books out there to approach that subject. Our book goes out all over the world and it makes me proud that "the gift of my daughter" is touching other little hearts across the globe. This book grows with your child as you are able to talk with them using the same analogy of "the Dad being lost" at different ages and stages. It is wonderful that your boyfriend has stepped into this role seamlessly, and this book opens up a child's understanding that one could have two mommies or two daddies, or other family members raising them. It sends a great message of love to both the parent and the child, as it makes both realize, that your child is one of the greatest blessings of your life, a gift!!! I hope that things go well with your explaination!!!
Feel free to check out our story at www.abovethetrees.ca You can see our book there.
Love & Light on your journey

Constanza - posted on 04/01/2013

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As soon as possible. Before he hits double figures. I would have said age 5. Just sit him down and say that his father put him in your belly, but then his daddy came along and loved him so much and that's how he became his daddy. That you both love him and are so glad that you're his parents. If he finds out as a teenager he will go mental, trust me.

Rebecca - posted on 01/04/2010

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i think you should answer when he asks...if hes asking it means hes old enough to know. my situation is a little different. i left my ex husband last may, my daughter was 3 my son 1 and my youngest was only 3 weeks old...my daughter understands the whole idea of who her daddy is compared to my bf who has been with me for 6 months now...my concern is for my boys. even though thier dad is in their lives part time my youngest is bonding with my bf...how do i continue to keep the title of daddy to only one of them? i really do think my youngest will start calling my bf daddy.

Miah - posted on 12/31/2009

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It depends on the relationship you have with his biological father. I suggest a good time to reveal the truth is when you feel he is old enough and cognitive enough to understand what's happening around him. It also depends on if the father wants a relationship with his child. It'd be nice if everyone involved was present to help him understand and to reassure him that there is nothing wrong with having a blended family. The sooner the better is a plus too.

Lennette - posted on 12/31/2009

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i am in your same situation my sons dad left me when he found out i was preg but i met a guy 3 weeks after he was born and he has been there ffor my son as a dad since and he calls him dad but i realize that i have to tell him the truth one day it hard right now at 4 he would not understand but i do plan on telling him as soon as he is old enough to understand and i know it will be hard and he may rebel but i also believe he will love me more for being truth full and will realize just how much he is loved

Chantelle - posted on 12/31/2009

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I dont think anyone who hasnt been in this position realy knows how to react. I do as im 22 and when i was 8 months pregnant with my third child AGE 22 < yes this only a few months ago. I found out that the man i called dad for 22 years wasnt and i had another. How i found out wasnt the best way as it was a girl on facebook who decided with her being my cousin and me not knowing that i should. My mum was angry and my dad ofcourse because 22 years of not even trying and then blurting it out not only over web chat but also when im pregnant causing me emense stress it could have been handled better on her behalf. Ive got to say if i had the choice id never want to know because the man who was their through my first steps, words, tears and heartbrake is my dad not the one who donated sperm! I do have contact with BIO dad as i call him but to be honest i think it causes more stress knowing than not knowing because even now and im 22 i hate it when he doesnt call or keep his promises. At end of day i beleive only you will know when its the right time if ever it is the right time. I still wish in a way i didnt know but im glad i do now as it makes me admire my dad sooo much more for never making me stand out from my brother and sister who are his and never even making me question his love or the chance i werent his. My mum said me knowing has lifted a huge weight off her shoulders as every year on my birthday she would question is this the right time but never find the words. AND before any one decides to critisise my mum for not telling me DONT DARE! my mum made the best descision ever because what if i had found out young and went looking to find a man not interested in me? being so young i would be crushed and ask why doesnt he love me? now im older i can react more mature and handle everything much much better. He still upsets me when he lies and i know he is but cant prove it and when he doesnt ring for days/ weeks. BUT still as i said to my mum i thank her with all my heart for waiting because i know i would not have been able to handle this soo young as it near broke me the age i am now. Also before anyone says every man is different a man that is not there from the start is the same as every other man that cant be bothered to try and see their child or even FIGHT for them i know my BIO dad never even tried as he admitted he was sooo scared of the outcome. EITHER way i admire your partner for standing by your son and making him feel so loved to call him daddy as for telling him im sure a day will come where YOU know its right for u all. Its a very hard thing to accept im still trying to come to terms with it now and soo many questions run through your mind and i think a child would find it emotionaly draining as i did. I hope that when the day does come and the truth does come out that your son will see what i seen in my dad it takes a MAN/DAD to raise you the doner doesnt mean a thing unless you want them to and even then make them work for his love not just accept it :) ONE more thing i did benefit in one small way because my BIO dad has a gene called cystic fibrosis and unfortunately i have the gene also it does not afftct me but can affect my children if my partner should have it. Unfortunately through recent tests we found out we both have the gene and one is very rare and not much is know about it. We are lucky to have three healthy children but im pregnant and right now the worry of this baby having the disease is hard to deal with but atleast we can prepare ourselves if it should happen. This is a one in 100 chance so in a way i benefited from knowing the truth but in sooo many others i still wish i hadnt even now im over it the torture at the beginning was soo hard i cant beleive ive came through it :) GOOD LUCK im sure you wont need it, LOVE is a powerfull thing xxxxx

Kyndra - posted on 12/30/2009

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I think every child has a right to know they have a biological father out there even if that's not the person raising them. Even if the person is into bad things,the child still deserves to know the truth. I would tell him that the man he calls daddy is his daddy, that's his parent, and he loves him. I would just explain the difference between what makes a father that takes care of a child and what makes a biological father (sperm donor). Idk the situation, but some men either are too into drugs adn partying or dont want the resopnsibility of a baby, and arent' there, and later on in life they finally grow up and stop doing those things,and may decide that they want a relationship with their child. but it isn't good if they are in and out of the childs life though they need to be all in or not at all.

Jamie - posted on 12/30/2009

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i know how u feel my son is 4 and he already wants to know why he doesn't have daddies and his step sisters last name is different than his. honesty is the best policy

Cassandra - posted on 12/30/2009

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I don't know your exact situation, but my daughter who is almost 7 has know my husband as her father since she was 6 mths old. He is not her "bio" dad, but he takes care of her and loves her. My oldest, who is 10, has almost let it slip, but corrected herself. There is no "right" time to tell him. My oldest's "bio" walked ourt when I was pregnant with her and she hates him. He has never called, seen her, or payed support. If the 7 yr old found out she would fall apart, and shut down. You know your son better than we do, so it is all up to you.

Vanessa - posted on 12/30/2009

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I think it should be both you and your partner should explain it to your son. It would be as akward if the two of you tell hi together as a family.

DeWanda - posted on 12/30/2009

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When that day comes tell him or tell him when he is 21 he will understand it better when he is older.

Nicole - posted on 12/30/2009

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My ex which is my first daughters "sperm donor" as me and my family call him was never interested in her, I lived with him for a few months and he never helped me with her, I did everything. After I broke up with him I met a new wonderful guy at that time my daughter was 9 months old and has been calling him daddy ever since and I would not change that for the world, he is a great father to her and our new baby, and that's the way it will be. Eventually i will explain to her what happened, and if she wants she can go look for him, but until then my fiancee will always be her daddy/father !

Danielle - posted on 12/30/2009

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i have been tossing and turning throughout the night for the same reason. Although my daughter is only 18months old, i know i have to tell her one day who her father is, im just not sure at what age.
In my case i left har father wen she was only 3 months old, he then gave her 2nd degree burns on her foot and i now have full custody. HE never explained how he hurt her or if it was an accident, he just basically vanished, didnt even show up to court for the hearing! i havent seen him or had any contact from him for over a yr, and i have NO IDEA how i am going to explain to my daughter about her father. I KNOW i will tell her the WHOLE truth if she wants me to but im not sure at what age?
How do u tell ur child that their father doesnt love them? and neglected them?..I think i will tell her that her father has gone away wen she starts asking questions about "where is her dad"and then when she is about ur sons age i will tell her i left her dad when she was a baby and will tell her why but not go into too much detail. And then if she asks me to tell her all of it, i will.
In your case ur son has a father figure who LOVES him, so telling him the truth will probably b hard but he will have ur partner there to cushion the blow.

Rachel - posted on 12/29/2009

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yea i agree the sooner the better, i was 10 before i found out about my real father, and it wasn't because my parents told me, i found out by accident, and let me tell you i was never very happy about it, imade sure that i would never have to have that conversation with my daughter, just make sure you let him know what a real dad is...it takes more then blood to make a father, you don't want him finding out from somebody else....

Carol - posted on 12/29/2009

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i have a 3 year old and my husband is not the dad but he has been here from bith i feel why say any thing untill that time comes he only needs to know that the guy who has been there since he was one is his dad and that only counts

Jennifer - posted on 12/29/2009

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Hi liz i was just reading the post you made and ifs ok i woild like to offer you some advice. I know someone very close to me that went through the same thing. He was not told his "dad" was not his real dad untill he was about 19 or 20. He always kinda knew but everytone around him lied to him. He said that reguardless the man that raised him, he felt was his DAD no matter what and he still loved him just the same. In fact, he learned to respect this man in a way he never did before for raising him to be a good and successfulman. He said the thing that hurt the most was that he was lied to and decieved his whole life. So on that note, im sure it has to be so hard for you, but i think that the sooner the better for your son. You dont want him being angry with you for not telling him untill he was much older. Good luck hunnie!! -wish you all the best!

Brenda - posted on 12/29/2009

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I have a friend who has a daughter who is now 15 and he and his ex- wife and him told her at age 13 that he wasn't her biological daughter. She told him that he was still her real dad and that it didn't matter. It was a little difficult for her to get used to spending time with her Bio father but she tries and as far as anyone is concerned...none of them have suffered for it.

Venessa - posted on 12/29/2009

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you should tell him when he asks you. if he wants to know then let him. if he dosent ask then dont worry about it. it will be fine in the end.

Melissa - posted on 12/29/2009

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Well my son is 6 yrs old he has never seen his father and my husband has been here for him since he was one and he had a lot of questions because he didnt call him dad i thought that would be strange but i told him about his father and showed him pics he liked the fact that he had a real father but its kinda like the tooth fairy if they are not there then it dont mean to much.

Angelica - posted on 12/29/2009

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I dont think that you should let him FIND OUT on his own because he might be upset that he had to find out on his own. If anything you should be the one to tell him but as a mother you should know when your child is matture enough to HANDLE THE TRUTH.When you do tell him let it be one on one in a special place. I wish you and your son the best of luck. Believe me I know its hard......

Thea - posted on 12/29/2009

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Right from the start!!! Thats just me. Dad #1 may be his real dad But Dad #2 in more of a dad. A dad is more then just the one who made you. A real dad is one who plays, Takes care of and looks after all your needs no matter good or bad. You can't always choose who your dad or child is. But they got to choose eachother. That is something special.

Tammie - posted on 12/29/2009

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i suggest you talk to your partner about this before the day comes. if they are young an easy way is to call your husband daddy (the man who raised him) and the bioloigical father his father. once he starts asking is always a good time to explain it to them. my siblings had a different father to me and they are perfectly adjusted knowing both. my brother refers to his father as robo because he refuses to call him dad because to him my father the man who raised him is his father.



just tell him the truth you would be suprised how understanding a child is. just dont refuse to tell him speically if he finds out along the way because i have seen my partner and one of his cousins have a falling out with their mothers because they refused to tell them who thier fathers were. they will respect you more if you are honest.



if there is a darkness to the father that is better left till they are older.

JEsse - posted on 12/29/2009

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I tell my oldest son how he met his dad, that way when he is old enough to realize that that means his dad didn't make him he is old enough to handle the truth and not only that but he still realizes it doesn't matter who made him its who raised him, he can make the desion from there on whether or not he needs to know who made him! I even have a pic of the day they met!!

Ana - posted on 12/29/2009

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i have a 6 year old who we my husband and me have being trying to tell her that her real father is someone esle. we tryed since she was 4 years old. she still does not understand. to her, her dad is my husband, who been with her since she was 3. what can i do.???? for her to understand.????

Lauren - posted on 12/29/2009

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My husband brought up his ex wifes daughter from when she was 1 until she was 13. She thought he was her dad and had no other reason to think differently. When the marriage broke down, his ex wife told her he wasn't her real dad and now, 4 years on, he still hasnt heard from her because she hates him for lying to her. He thought he was doing the right thing but it ended disasterously. make sure he knows the truth and also that he realises your partner has brought him up as his own and loves him like a real dad should and hopefully you'll have good results :)

Tanya - posted on 12/29/2009

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i come from a home where 2 of my brother's were adopted. they were both told at 6 yrs of age. My oldest brother took it very well and has never wanted a bar of his real family. He is nearly 40 and still doesnt. The younger brother how ever.. it messed with him and he went after his real family in his adult hood, hes spent his life in and out of jail, rehabs and on drugs...
My 4 yr old daughter has known from day 1 about her real father and this seems to suit just fine for now she calls my partner daddy and we are all happy... who knows how her future will be effected though...
i think the best thing to do as a mother is trust your instincts u will know when the time is right!

Sunny - posted on 12/28/2009

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im in that same situation but my daughter is only 2. im gonna wait til she is old enough to understand what happened to me and her dad and that it wasnt her fault. my partner loves her and she calls him daddy too. her real father doesnt want any part of her and im just gonna tell her that if she wants to talk to him or get to know him its gonna be on my terms cuz ive raised her not him. and he has to earn his right to see her.

Delilah - posted on 12/28/2009

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I have the same type of situation. My son is 5 and his real dad took off when I was 7 months pregnant. The man i'm with now has been Daddy since my baby was 5 months old. I have spoken to his real father over the past years and he shows no signs of caring that he has a son. I have also informed him that my fiance wants to adopted him and he straight out told me to "go ahead". So that's what we're doing. As far as telling my son the truth we (my fiance and I) have talked about waiting till he's maybe around 12, therfore it can be explained at an appropriate level.

But I so always think about how my son will take it, because he is very attached to his "Daddy" and his real father is never mentioned and I don't have any pictures or anything like that.

HHHMMM, i'm still not sure, but a lot of these replies are helpful =)

Traci - posted on 12/28/2009

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i understand what youre goin through. it really comes down to.. does the biological father want anything to do with your son? if no, does the guy he calls dad now want everything to do with your son? if yes, dont bother letting your son know about his 'sperm donor' as i like to call my sons biological father. you could possibly end up doing worse damage then good, if his sperm donor does not want to be there for him, and your partner does. and if his biological father wants to be an in and out dad, put your foot down before it ever goes that far. you have to protect your little man, and despite what any one else says, YOU and only you knows whats best for him. good luck and i hope that this does help even if just a little bit.

Kaienthokwas - posted on 12/28/2009

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I'm in a similar situation, I have a 5yr old daughter who's father was never really around, didn't bother trying to be in her life. I've been with my husband since I was six months pregnant with her, and he's all she knows. We went through a tough custody battle because when she was around 3 he decided THAN he wanted to be a daddy, but it don't work that way in my book. So I wanted him to prove that he was ready to be in her life for the long haul, yet he didn't last. He's signed over his rights and my husband happily adopted her. Even though he's "done" with her, I still feel it important for her to know, in case of diseases that could come up, or even in choosing a mate, she needs to know who's in her biological family. I am always open with her and she has some kind of idea that he's out there, although she obviously don't understand it fully yet. She refuses to want to talk about him, or see him for that matter. But I"m sure when she's older she'll be curious, until than, all the replies posted here where a very good help! :)

Hope - posted on 12/28/2009

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My mother told me about my birth father when I was eight or so and believe it or not I had alot of questions but it never changed the way I felt about my dad. Actually it brought us closer to think this man didn't have to love but does. So tell him whenever you are ready be ready for questions and just assure him that no matter what his "daddy" the man who has raised him and been there for him will always be there for him.

Courtney - posted on 12/28/2009

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I was 18 and on my daughters first christmas when i was told about my biological father, I was extreamly upset but very firm that my Daddy never know the truth. My daughters father walked away when she was 3 months old and resurfaced a few short weeks before her 8th birthday!!!! Lucky for me I had always let her know that her DADDY was not her father. She of course was too young to understand what it ment but when the time came to expose it all the LIE factor was taken away. She couldn't be mad that I hid him from her even though she didn't understand. I allowed her to see the sperm donor and she made the decision about 6 months later not to have anything to do with him. She knows in her own way who loves her and who has raised her and thats all the DADDY she needs or wants! Every child is different but they overhear and know way more than we think they do. I truly believe this was the best way to deal with our situation and so far our outcome has been favorable, I just started with small comments that she made no thought to question. Useing words they don't understand like biological or say not ur father, ur daddy... But honestly it all comes down to what u are comfortable with and the reactions and questions u think ur child may have.

Nicole - posted on 12/28/2009

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welll i totally now where ur coming from hun, i have a five yr old daughter and her real father has never been there for her , and my fiance has been there and done everything for her, she cals him dad, she beleives that he is her daddy, me and my fiance disscussed it and we decided we were going to tell her when she is old enough to understand all the big details about her real father, i strongly believe that she deserves to now, but on the other hand i dont want all of her real dad drama to make her feel horrible, so u are mom so you now best and what is best for ur son every kid is different, i beleive you now when is best cuz every kid develops different mind wise and it is best to tell him the truth just so u dont look like the bad parent for keeping something that important from him. something that has helped me is just telling my self that ive done a wonderful job raising my daughter for the last 5 yrs, and i now that after everything is laid out on the table for her then i now and trust she will take all she nows about her real father and make the best choice for her. good luck and if you ever need to talk just get ahold of me

Melissa - posted on 12/27/2009

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oh sweets, just let him know when you think he is old enough to understand, dont hide anything but let him know what he wants and dont tell him anything extra. DONT EVER bad mouth him your son will just hate you for it. when he gets old enough he will be able to form his own opinion about his "real" dad.

[deleted account]

I'm almost in the exact same boat as you. My son is 7, and my partner has raised him since he was 1 month old. I too have the same fears and worries you have. But I think that 7 is still too young. As someone who grew up never knowing my dad, I am linked to this feeling of abandonment, and always wondering, Why? But whether he knows about his dad or not, won't change the fact that the dad is choosing not to be a part of his life for whatever reason. I think 7 is too young to be able to really handle this info. I'd wait until 10 or possibly older..?

Amy - posted on 12/27/2009

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Funny enough just last week I was faced with this issue. While opening a bank account for my 11yo daughter the teller accidentally read the information for my daughter's birth father. My husband and I decided not to say anything until after Christmas. Today I gave her the opportunity to bring it up and her father (my current husband and her father for 6 years) talked with her about the fact that her birth father chose not to be a part of her life and that we were lucky enough to have her "dad" who wanted to be a part of her life. She adjusted really well but part of that could have been her age. Since my husband is Irish and I knew she would be a bit upset about not being Irish I did talk to her about the fact that she's Pacific Islander it answered a few questions like why she is so much darker than her father and I but since she still has blond hair and blue eyes just like her "Daddy" she was happy. It didn't seem to matter much to her.

Jennefer - posted on 12/27/2009

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I am having the same problem.. My daughter is 11 and has only "meet" her bio dad the day she was born, I dont know how to tell her or when. Good luck to you

[deleted account]

when i was at school a friend of my who was adopted was told in the 1 grade, so she was 7, because she was old enough to understand. But it depends on your son, if you think he will beable to understand and be ok then go for it, if not wait, but I would do it before they are a teenager.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/27/2009

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We waited to tell my son at 8. I felt he was old enough to understand most of what we were saying. He surprisingly took it well. He said okay and went about his day. He hasnt even asked any questions. I am sure they are coming but I am leaving the ball in his court and decided he will ask questions when he is ready.

Liz - posted on 12/27/2009

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thank you so much 4 all ur replys its so nice 2 know i can talk about it and gt advice

Amy - posted on 12/27/2009

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Quoting Sharalyn:

A seven year old is in no way emotionally ready for something this drastic as telling him who his biological father is. Give this plenty of thought and consideration before you tell your son. He will understand better when he is older, more mature to handle it, and accept the fact he was raised by a man who isn't his biological father. Also if the biological father wants NOTHING to do with him, I don't see why you should tell, unless there was amedical concern, of course. other then that, consider the feelings for your child as much as possible. Hope this helps.



I agree 100% with you Sharalyn. As my oldest daughter is seven also but her "sperm donor" as I call him never wanted anything to do with my beautiful girl. Actually he wanted me to have an abortion and when I told him I would not he said he would never ever have anything to do with her. I want to be able to tell my child when shes older so if she does want to search for him I can also tell her that times changed and he moved on with hes life but you have a very loving dad that never left your side but I will be more than happy to search with you as this is important to you, because it trully does take a real dad to step up and take care of a child. I will NOT tell my child what her biological father said to me many many years ago because that killed me inside imagine how that would a child, I do not want to say anything negative towards him to my child as he may accept her with open arms when she is older, I just dont know but I hope for the best if she does want to find him. I have spent many days thinking of this situation and I agree with what Sharalyn is saying at age seven they are just way to young to tell. My seven year old would freak out as she loves to please people she gets really upset at this age if a girl at school doesnt want to be her friend any more. You know your child best. I bealive for me as well as you, you will know when the time is right. In my situation I cannot speak for all, I do not think my daughters relationship with me and her daddy will be torn in any way. As every mother knows we shelter our children from the pain until they can fully understand the situation and crasp the possible outcomes from their actions of wanting to find the absent party, because what others do not understand is children will want to met them and this age and the things that were said, no way to early for my little girl.

Arkiva - posted on 12/27/2009

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The sooner the better. If you wait too long and he gets to that age where "the whole world is against him" He will be upset with you. Tell the truth but save the details for an appropriate age. You want him to make up his own opinion about his father not ride on yours.

Brittney - posted on 12/27/2009

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My daughter is 4 and my husband adopted her when she was 1. I try even now to explain on her level that my husband now is the daddy that loves her and supports her. Itry to word it on a 4 year old level so when she final does put it all together she wont look at it as we have "lied" to her. Try baby steps, but the sooner the better. You can not hide the truth his whole life. I feel like when my child gets older and needs to know family history for her own childrens sake she will need to know she she can find out the things she needs! Hope this helps I know it not easy because you dont want tp ever see your children in pain or feel like they were never loved, but like I said sooner the better and take baby steps.

Tanya - posted on 12/27/2009

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i have a 7 year old and its a very diffcult situation. he wants to see his dad but his dad doesnt really bother with him every now and then he pops up and then out again. which is messing with his head. i think hes old enough to understnad some things. but he doest understand that his dad not bothering he thinks its all my fault cause we have moved and daddy doesnt no where we are (for reason i wont go into) but he does have contact thouugh a solitor so if he does want to see him again he always got that option. my advice would be to tread carfully there very vulnerable at that age i just tell my son what he needs to no not the ins and out. (which hasnt helped me cause he thinks his dad is now perfect) but u have to do the best to protect them and them not noing all the shit is protecting them. all the best and hope it works out how u want it to

Jacquelyn - posted on 12/26/2009

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I was adopted as a child and my mom told me about my bio parents when I was very young and said that if I ever had questions to ask. I didn't care until I was older but it was very nice to know. Now when I look back i'm glad she told me when she did even though I didn't care at the time it makes me feel that I can trust her more because she was upfront with me and honest. I would show him a picture when he's old enough to understand and say this is your father and so on... but don't say dad that's for your spouse now... to be called dad is a previlage and if he's not around he hasn't earned that previlage he's their father. Hope all goes smoothly for you.

Sarita - posted on 12/26/2009

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I would show him how much you partern loved him regardless of blood line. But most important don't talk bad about the orginal dad because it will only make him idealize him.

Skie - posted on 12/26/2009

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Quoting Tamika:



Listen every situation is different and if my son ends up hating then so be it. My sons sperm donar put a hole in the condom to mget me pregnant and then guite his job so he didnt have the money to help me terminate. He made the decision for me to become a mother and turned his back on us when I was 5 months pregnant. My son is now 8, I have been 100% honest with my son about his father without bad mouthing him or poisining his mind against him.






When my son turned 1 his sperm donar didnt even show up to the party, he called 3 days later to tell him he was coming to see him the next day. My son ran to the door everytime a car passed the house, and cried himself to sleep for that piece of S!@#. The last time the sperm donar saw my son he was 6 months old.







As mothers it is our job to protect our children from physical and mental harm. I am not keep a father from my son, I am keeping a mentally abusive person from him. Cause allowing my sons sperm donar to constanlty lie and dissapoint him will give him self esteem issues and trust issues later in life. 






All of us told this women that she should tell him when he asks, none of us told her to lie to her child. You have no reason to resent your parents. They were honest with you, and told you at an age that you can understand the situation. The reason you resent them and started to rebel is because you were a BRAT!!!!!!






I am 27 years of age and have yet to meet my father, I was raised with a daddy from the age of 4 and I have always known about my sperm donar, in fact I have always known what he looks like because my mother showed me a pic at the same age my son is. I dont resent her, in fact I love for it. I followed my mothers example of how to handel this situation adn that is the same advice I and all the other mothers gave this women. As longs her child is not a BRAT like you were her child will grow and deal just like I did.






For the record I want my son to know his sperm donar as long as he is 100% about his part in the relationship. The child that has 2 dads that truely love him id the luckiest child in the world.  






 






im sorry if i offended you but i think you took my comment in the wrong contence. i agree with you i wasa a brat and the reason i rebeled was not because my parents lied to me it was because my after i knew the truth i was continueally reminded of it by family and my siblings because now i knew the truth my family felt that they could now talk about this man in front of me which made me feel like i was out cast from the family



 



what i was saying is if there is no need to hide this from him once he understands contriception would be the time i recomend then he will understand the idea that this man is his bio father but it takes alot more than dna to be a dad!!



 



 i was not saying that anyone was wrong or that she should tell him right now! 

Skie - posted on 12/26/2009

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Quoting Tamika:



Listen every situation is different and if my son ends up hating then so be it. My sons sperm donar put a hole in the condom to mget me pregnant and then guite his job so he didnt have the money to help me terminate. He made the decision for me to become a mother and turned his back on us when I was 5 months pregnant. My son is now 8, I have been 100% honest with my son about his father without bad mouthing him or poisining his mind against him.






When my son turned 1 his sperm donar didnt even show up to the party, he called 3 days later to tell him he was coming to see him the next day. My son ran to the door everytime a car passed the house, and cried himself to sleep for that piece of S!@#. The last time the sperm donar saw my son he was 6 months old.







As mothers it is our job to protect our children from physical and mental harm. I am not keep a father from my son, I am keeping a mentally abusive person from him. Cause allowing my sons sperm donar to constanlty lie and dissapoint him will give him self esteem issues and trust issues later in life. 






All of us told this women that she should tell him when he asks, none of us told her to lie to her child. You have no reason to resent your parents. They were honest with you, and told you at an age that you can understand the situation. The reason you resent them and started to rebel is because you were a BRAT!!!!!!






I am 27 years of age and have yet to meet my father, I was raised with a daddy from the age of 4 and I have always known about my sperm donar, in fact I have always known what he looks like because my mother showed me a pic at the same age my son is. I dont resent her, in fact I love for it. I followed my mothers example of how to handel this situation adn that is the same advice I and all the other mothers gave this women. As longs her child is not a BRAT like you were her child will grow and deal just like I did.






For the record I want my son to know his sperm donar as long as he is 100% about his part in the relationship. The child that has 2 dads that truely love him id the luckiest child in the world.  






 






im sorry if i offended you but i think you took my comment in the wrong contence. i agree with you i wasa a brat and the reason i rebeled was not because my parents lied to me it was because my after i knew the truth i was continueally reminded of it by family and my siblings because now i knew the truth my family felt that they could now talk about this man in front of me which made me feel like i was out cast from the family



 



what i was saying is if there is no need to hide this from him once he understands contriception would be the time i recomend then he will understand the idea that this man is his bio father but it takes alot more than dna to be a dad!!



 



 i was not saying that anyone was wrong or that she should tell him right now! 

Tiffany - posted on 12/26/2009

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Quoting Tamika:

Just dont bad mouth him. Let you son form his own opinon about his sperm donar.



This is so true, I just let my daughter look at the collection I made of him like all the pictures and cards he ever given me and pictures. My daughter was reading a mothers day card that he gave me and she read it and said he is a lie! He dont care, so why is he not here?. I dident say nothing but hug her, not once did I make him a monster,

Tiffany - posted on 12/26/2009

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Quoting Heather:

You know your child the best, whenever you feel he can handle it.



I agree, I just told my 10 yr old daughter about 3 weeks ago and I had so many fears about telling her, but for some reason I just felt that was the best time and it was. She also took it so well, she dident cry but I did, I kept alot of pics of her biological father and just showed her, she also asked many, many questions and I was just plain honest with her. My husband then came home and explained that nothing will be different, that she is the same as the other children and he loves her so much! he like yours has been in her life since she was ! years old.  I also check so often on her to see what was going on in her mind and she says she is fine, I mean everything is still the same as before. I wish you the best when your time comes, the only thing you can do is be honest.

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