When babysitters don't listen..

Taylor - posted on 06/23/2010 ( 74 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend had been giving me a hard time because his mom hadn't really gotten a chance to watch our almost 4 month old daughter. The main reason is because its inconvenient, she lives almost 40 minutes away and my parents only live 10 minutes away, but the other reason is because she doesn't listen.

My boyfriend and I went out the other night and he begged me to let his mom watch Hattie for the night so she'd shut up about it, I agreed because she wanted to come to our house to watch her so that meant no long drive for me and she'd have everything she needs here. But I could quickly tell things were going to be difficult. She got here early so I went to get my hair cut, by the time I got back she'd already given Hattie a bath without calling me to ask if it was okay or if she'd already had a bath or anything! I am not comfortable with someone else having my daughter in/around water. Plus, Hattie has very sensitive skin and eczema so she can only use a couple of the bath products I have for her without getting a rash. Hattie also HAS to be swaddled to sleep still and my boyfriends mom refuses to swaddle her because she thinks its somehow mean or detrimental to her. And every time she's with her and doesn't listen to me and tries to do things how she wants, Hattie gets mad and she tries to blow it off and blame it on her being "spoiled already".

Anyway, going on 2 months now, Hattie has been going to sleep between 9 and 10 with little to no fight and only wakes up once or twice a night just to fuss for her pacifier.

I gave her VERY specific instructions before we left the other night on when to feed her and when/how to swaddle her and put her in her bed and everything (I even wrote it all down!) that way she'd have no trouble getting her to sleep and getting some sleep herself. We got home around 2am and I come inside to his mom asleep in our bed with Hattie in the bed next to her, laying on her belly (she always sleeps on her back), not swaddled, no pacifier, a comforter over her and barely asleep!!!!! She said it was because she "wouldnt go to sleep"

I was livid! I AM NOT okay with co-sleeping.. nothing against anyone who does it with their own children.. And his mom knows we don't co-sleep, we've told her before. But I definitely do not think it's okay to co-sleep with someone elses baby!!

But here's the best part of all of it.... when I asked my boyfriend to say something to her about making sure not to sleep with her in the bed with her again, HE GOT MAD AT ME!



Does anyone else's spouse/boyfriend's parents just ignore you or tell you you're wrong about everything? And how can I let her know why I never call her to watch Hattie without insulting her or hurting her feelings??

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Isobel - posted on 06/28/2010

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I think your child will survive this holy night of TERROR...my god...a bath AND falling asleep on her belly????

I understand as a new mom you want things done in a very specific manner, but as you children get a little older, you will hopefully learn to look at the bigger picture. This child has two sets of grandparents who love her very much and are not only willing to help but actively seeking out a role in her life.

Sit down with your MIL (without the snotty attitude and ultimatums that everybody seems to be suggesting) and explain to her the excema, and WHY certain measures work for you.

I imagine it is also very difficult to love your grandchild and be told basically that everything you know about raising children is garbage...perhaps a little compassion and understanding might help...you catch more flies with honey...and your baby isn't a bargaining chip that you get to play with and tell people whether they are ALLOWED to help with

Isobel - posted on 06/28/2010

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My first sentence was sarcastic, you are correct about that and I do apologize for that. I stand by the rest of my post though, while I understand that "immersing" a child in water may seem deadly to you, in a few years you may come to mellow out on a LOT of these issues.

This woman has clearly raised a child to adulthood...a person who you obviously love, she can't be pure evil.

Have you considered that your child may have gone to bed easier for your parents because you let them see her all the time...in those times, not only does the baby become more at ease with them, but they also get to be a witness to the way you behave with her. They get to see how you move, how you rock her, how you feed her, how you bathe her, etc.

I stand by the fact that in a few years you will look back on this and see the bigger picture. It is terrifying to be a new mother...everything seems vital right now, and that's completely natural...but allowing that child the chance to get to know their grandmother on a deeper level is FAR more important than whether or not she gave her a bath without asking or let her sleep on her belly for one night (keep in mind that for many many many years, that was the way mothers were taught to minimize the chance of crib death.

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Also, I know some people will disagree and say you shouldn't put your bf in the middle but I think it's HIS place to stand up to his mom! That's a very awkward position to put you in and the in-law relationship is extremely fragile. He should be backing you up 100% for the sole reason of keeping things civil between you and his mom. Besides, you and he are a team now, not he and his mom...unless he wants the spend the rest of his life with his mom! I think both partners should always go to bat for each other with their own respective parents because of the dynamic of the relationship. A parent is always going to hear it better from their own child than from their child's partner. Making you go up against his mom just so he can stay out of it will just cause in-law resentment. He's gotta man up for his woman!

Isobel - posted on 06/28/2010

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Perhaps your MIL TRIED wrapping the baby and it didn't work for her...because the baby is not used to her. and perhaps the grandmother was laying awake watching the baby sleep for most of the time and finally dozed off a little at the end.

There are three sides to every story.

Tiffany - posted on 06/25/2010

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When it comes to safety, if your boyfriend isn't on board you need to tell him WHY the baby needs things the way you ask. The tummy sleeping is easy- look up the risk of SIDs for tummy sleeping babies and present that to him. That's how to handle that one- men are very factual. They need facts.

You need to not nag him. Let him know he's a good dad, and tell him you know he only has Hattie's best interests in mind. Tell him that you're not comfortable with anyone but you or him giving her a bath because it's too easy for a baby to drown, and you know he and you know to do it right. For everything else, the non-swaddling and all, let him know that the next time his mother fails to put her to sleep when you go out, HE's going to be the one in charge of putting her to sleep- feeding, changing, if she's dirty then bathing, and swaddling her and putting her to sleep. After the first time he has to do this, he'll be way more adamant to her about doing things the way they need to be done-- or maybe he'll think your parents watching him is a way better idea.

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Taylor - posted on 06/29/2010

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yes in a few years i will mellow out about these things because in a few years she'll be a few years old. if she wants to sleep in the bed with her when shes 3 thats fine, i dont care. and immersing a baby in water is dangerous. thats a fact, not an opinion.
but anyway, point is, its not that she doesnt get to see me with her, she has seen me with her plenty of times. she comes over and gets to see her fairly often, she just doesnt get to BABYSIT her often.
i would feel differently if she followed my requests directions when I'm around but she doesnt even do it then. everything is "oh its fine" or "she's just spoiled" even if im standing right there. and yes, different things work for different people.. but im pretty sure that after staying with my baby 24/7 for the past 4 months i know what works for her.

but thank you you everyone for your suggestions, encouragement, opinions and stories! i'm going to go ahead and close this one!

Tamara - posted on 06/29/2010

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i think you should just tell her straight and if she cant respect how u and your boyfriend are bringing up your child then limit how much time she has with your baby til she does respect your rules and ive had to limit my inlaws to my children for the samething and it does work they will do what u want so they can see there grand child, i wish u the best of luck.

Ashley - posted on 06/28/2010

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My mother -in-law and my mother do not obey our wishes with our son. We told them both plain and simple that if it did not stop they would not watch our baby. He is almost 2 and to this day has not been babysat by anyone! If you dont like what they do and they dont follow your instructions, tell them and then dont let them watch your child again.

Amy - posted on 06/28/2010

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A lot of the time our parents (or our spouse's parents) take over with their own set of rules. They are relentless and will always have a mindset that they know best. Don't stress, she brought up your boyfriend and he probably turned out not too bad! I agree, It throws off your routine, it causes stress between everyone, if you feel very strongly about what she did, speak up. A lot of the time people don't know they did anything wrong unless you tell them. Speak up, tell her what's on your mind, be honest, open. Good luck :)

Emilie - posted on 06/28/2010

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I understand how you feel, my mother does the samething. She used to sleep in the bed with my kids, and she liked the "baby smell" She didn't like the products I used because they were lavender or Shea butter and she likes to bath my kids so they will smell like what she likes. My mom also would smoke around my kids, I told her before not to smoke around them but she still does. I hardly ever let my mom babysit, or my sister because I just don't think they do a good job. The only time I ever have them babysit is when I am desperite for a babysitter.

Shaunte - posted on 06/28/2010

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children change. they do not stay the same throughout their baby/toddler years, and something that usually works may not work when other factors come into play. maybe your parents are really really good with the swaddle thing and have that touch. me personally, i stopped swaddling after the baby was a few months old. by four months both of my girls were sitting and trying to crawl.

the important thing is to remember, you are not the only one who loves and cares for your child. im sure she would never bring any intentional harm to your child. i wont touch the co-sleep issue because it was never an issue for me since i breastfed. it was a natural decision.

if parenting were so simple, it could be done by the book perfectly every time, but its much more complicated than that....

try to be open minded. try different things. shes still very young. you will see, things change :) her personality will start to develop and she will have likes and dislikes that are sometimes the exact opposite of your own. dont stress about it, just re approach it :)

cute baby!

Taylor - posted on 06/28/2010

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thank you for all the encouragement and suggestions from everyone, although i will not and was never planning on telling her she can never babysit or see her, I may not let her keep her overnight for bit.
for those pro-co-sleepers.. i understand you're reasoning why co-sleeping is good and natural and okay, i considered it and did a lot of research, but its not going to change fact that I am not comfortable with it. but like i said if you do it or like it or agree with it that is fine. I can see why it is appealing or helpful to some people. But I see something on the news almost everyday about someone whose baby was smothered or suffocated while co-sleeping. Its an unnecessary risk to me. and if i dont trust MYSELF to co-sleep with my own baby i definitely am not going to trust someone else to sleep with her.

and to Laura Cooke -- your post was a bit on the sarcastic side and particularly offensive to me. It's not like she strayed by giving a 3 year old an extra cookie before dinner. stomach sleeping, co-sleeping, and anything involving immersing a baby in water are all things that are potentially life-threatening. Maybe she did try swaddling her, but Hattie has been comforted by swaddling since day 1 and has ALWAYS done okay sleeping for my parents (who follow the directions i give them) even the FIRST time they watched her. So why would she SUDDENLY disagree with it? And even if she was just watching her sleep and dozing off, her pack n play is RIGHT next to the bed, you can do the same thing from the bed. ive done it a million times. There's absolutely no reason she should have tried to get her to fall asleep on our bed.

Shaunte - posted on 06/28/2010

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ok, here is a difficult situation sweetie....
i understand the need to control everything in our childrens life, i was kind of strict myself. but it is beneficial to you and your boyfriend both if you wait until a cool stress-free time to reasonably think about the battles you pick to fight. sometimes its not worth fighting, but better to disagree. it wouldnt be fair to his mom to take her privilege of being a part of the babys life, especially with the baby being only four months old.
have you ever considered the fact that maybe she (the mother) may have some jealousy issues and maybe is just being defiant because she is accustomed to doing things differently? and maybe she feels hurt/insulted with the written directions and the prohibited behaviors. that could cause unwanted tension and stress in your relationship. if you value and respect your partner, you should value and respect his mother. we all have something to teach one another, and no one ever has the perfect system for handling a 4 month old :).
if you really want a solution to your problem, try lightening up some on the mom. im sure shes changed more diapers than you have in all her days. be considerate of others feelings and share your blessing (your daughter). tomorrow is not promised and there is no point waisting time arguing and fighting over things that will probably not make a difference next week, much less ten years from now.
its hard setting boundaries as mothers. and we all need a little help and advice sometimes. even if she isnt right, remember her feelings.
good luck mam!

Christina - posted on 06/28/2010

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I would have been very upset if I had seen my baby laying on his stomach period! I'm kind of afraid of the same thing, that's why(at 3 months) my son has never stayed more than 2 hours with anyone(and that was once) The problem(especially with older family) is that they know what they're doing(their kids made it), so they think they can do it their way. I'd try to explain to her why you do it the way you do, if you have to, bring literature that backs up your facts(older people sometimes think since a technique has been around for a long time that it's worth continuing)

Alisha - posted on 06/28/2010

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well this is a hot topic! How i feel is inbetween everyone. the co-sleeping part is a no no but for tryin her own ways isn't harmful. You may not agree with it but at the same point its (for the most part) isn't going ot harm your child ! Its hard and frustrating when someone doesn't fallow your rules for your children trust me i know. I had so many rules for my first child that really i left her with no one. but now i ahve learnt to let go a lil bit. One thing is that a child needs to learn that people do things different. it took me some time about 3 yrs to get over things that people did with my children that i was like no no no for or it has to be this way. things change over time yes but ur man turned out. . right! I can understand why he gets upset cuz he wants his mom around more and just cuz she doesn't do things ur way doesn't make her a bad grandparent. . like i said some things just have its ways were you can let go of other things. . . i had a hard time the first time someone gave my oldest a bath. . it was like i was a ship and i sunk. . i had all these question about why she needed a bath but really who knows what happened. . maybe poop everywhere or a bath for the night. . im not on either side but you know it takes a whole village to raise a child not just one or 2.. . . different idea's maybe help you out in the end. please don't take this the wrong way. Like i said it took me 3 yrs to get over it (how people were with my child) i wish you good luck

maybe jus have her over more to hang out that way she can learn ur idea's and she can give you idea's

Angie - posted on 06/28/2010

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I understand that it is your child and you expect certain things to be done a certain way. It really sounds like your boyfriends mother really was just trying to help. She probably assumed that the child hadn't had a bath and she could help you out by doing that. I know when I take my son to my mothers and she puts him in the bath I appreciate it. As far as swaddling. My daughter still gets swaddled and my husband is the only one that is able to get her to stay and sleep in that wrap. I agree with the others who have said maybe she couldn't get her to sleep like that so she was trying what she thought may work. I also don't think you needed to leave her step by step directions for watching your child ( that was probably insulting to her). As others said she did raise your boyfriend and everyone has there own ways when it comes to children. I think you should just sit down and have a nice calm talk to explain to her why you didn't like the certain things she did. I would deff give her another chance though. Good luck with everything : )

Olivia - posted on 06/28/2010

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Hey, I understand very well, If ur mother-in-law doesn't respect u n the rules u lay down, she shouldn't be able to watch ur daughter, my son also has sensitive skin and eczema, and the pediatrician gave me guidelines on what to do to prevent breakouts and rashes, when someone does something to him that I don't like, I catch a case, even my husbands mom I catch it with, she had her turn with her kids now it's ur turn with ur, we all do appreciate the effort and advice they r willing to give, but there r bounderies, n if she can't hear, she can't baby sit anymore, simpl as that, cause if something happens to the baby the 1st thing ppl look at is mommy not daddy...MOMMY, co-sleeping shouldn't happen cause when the child gets to comfortable co.sleeping, it's hard for the child to go off and sleep alone and then the parents can't have any privacy. daddy needs to talk to his mom, r he will face the raft as well....

keep up the good work mommy

Lexi - posted on 06/28/2010

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Your husband needs to stick up for you against his mom. It's hard but that's what needs to happen. Give him the articles on SIDS or co-sleeping (I personally don't have a problem with it but I know many do) and show him that his mom is risking his baby girls life. If he wont do it, you need to talk to her.



Honestly if it was me I would just explain to her that you love her and want Hattie to spend time with her, but this is your daughter and you are the one that makes the decisions about her care. If she is not willing to honor those decisions and follow your rules then she wont have the privilege of watching your baby alone. I would try to be nice but I'm a very firm blunt person when it comes to stuff like that.



If this was a hired baby sitter you would fire her immediately. Just because it's family doesn't mean you have to put up with her endangering your child.



You could also try passing the same articles on to your MIL or telling her that these are the ways your doctor says to do it. Tell her you understand that things were different when she raised her kids and she was a good mom but this is how it needs to be done with your baby. Show her the statistics of how many less SIDS cases there are since the Back To Sleep movement started. My mom constantly tells me "oh I did it this way with you and you survived!" I just stick to my guns and make her do it my way.



You have to pick your battles and there are little things you have to let slide. The occasional cookie when they're older, or if she sways side to side trying to comfort hattie when you know she settles down quicker being jiggled (just example obviously) =) I have to grit my teeth and bite my tongue when my mom gets all loud and in torstens face making stupid noises. And I have a private laugh when he pushes her away and walks off! lol Those are the sorts of things that really aren't going to have any detrimental effect on the baby. It's the big things like the stomach sleeping that need to be dealt with.

Cassandra - posted on 06/28/2010

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Co-sleeping with a child has been proven to be helpful for little ones who have a problem regulating their breathing and I personally did co-sleep with my child for the first 6 months as I was horrified of SIDS and wanted him where I could hear him breathing at all times. He was a cuddly baby and would only sleep if he could hear someone's heart beat and when my mother would watch him even for a few hours she would rock him or take a nap with him on the couch or bed. She never asked me, but I was ok with it for my child. Different strokes for different folks.

Everyone raises children differently and she probably feels very offended that you don't trust her. Have you ever sat down and just discussed your fears and why you do things the way you do? If she truely understands then it's easier for her to give and do what you ask. Remember she's a mom too and every mom does things different. What's normal on your side of the family probably isn't on his.

Also just because she goes to bed for you one way doesn't mean that it will work when someone else does it. You have a differnt smell, rock her differently and wrap her differently even if it's done the exact same way. So the baby really may have had a problem sleeping for her.

I understand that you are upset, but she doesn't have as much time to learn about the baby as you have and I can see that she was really trying to bond with her. Taking the baby away from her and not talking to her yourself is going to make a rift between you and your family. Honestly it's cruel for you to demand that your boyfriend tell his mother how your feeling especially if he doesn't feel that way.

Essentially if you don't talk to her about your issues, it very well could cause more strain on your family relations and let me tell you over time, especially if you have more children, you need all your family around.

Vixi - posted on 06/28/2010

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I had my nephew for a few hrs the other day and he screamed none stop because he is teething, and doesnt see me that often as I live miles away.

What works for his mummy and daddy possibly wouldn't work for me because he knows im not his mummy or daddy, therefore had I had a list of what to do there's no gurantee things will work out. Babies are babies not machines u can programme into behaving how u want.

Maybe if you allowed your MIL to spend more time with her granddaughter they will build up a bond and make it easier next time.

Melody - posted on 06/28/2010

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Wow. I'm so sorry so many people have issues with MILs, I am really lucky to have a great and supportive MIL who will respect my right to parent my kids the way my husband and I have decided is best. Taylor, sounds like you need to have a frank discussion with ur bf and decide on some consistent rules for everyone regarding your child, family or otherwise. Consistency is so huge in parenting so everyone should treat the child the same, at your daughter's age for routine's sake and later it will be for disciplinary reasons as needed. Make sure ur bf will back you up with his mom, and make sure she understands that it is not safe for ur daughter to sleep on her stomach yet and ask how would she have felt if ur daughter had been hurt (or knock on wood, worse) while in her care. Both you and ur bf have to stress that it's for Hattie's safety, not to hurt her feelings, and that all your other sitters, family or not, follow the same rules. Good luck!

Amy-andrews85 - posted on 06/28/2010

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Having read this reminds me of my mother she never listened to me nor did she follow what i wanted hence we dont speak any more but that not the prob here lol.
you have written out hatties routine and the way you like her to be looked after and the way hattie knows where she is at hattie is still only young and doesnt understand things thats why as parents we are their guidence and thats why we have routines.
here i would be hinest with your boyfriends mum about where she went wrong and explain to her the differences that you do with what your boyfriends mum did when your boyfriend was a baby.
This way you have no reason to feel guilty when she asks to look after hattie etc.
you will hurt her feelings even if you do talk to her about how you feel but this way she will then know what she has to do to rectify what she does in the future.
be honest with her end of the day there is no harm in telling her how you feel how she looked after your Daughter.
hope all goes / went well.

Carly - posted on 06/28/2010

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No I am extremley lucky that my husband completley understands how I feel about his parents looking after our son. I do thing's in certain ways for my son, alot like how my mother raised me & I like that me & my son have a certain routine on how things are done. I would not be comfortable for his parents to look after my son as they just wouldnt do things for him the way I would. They also drink and smoke regularly and I wouldn't want anyone consuming alcohol on a daily basis to be in full care of my child.

Ashley - posted on 06/28/2010

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You need to put your foot down. Whenever my MIL does something that I don't like or don't approve of with my son I tell her "I'm not trying to be ugly but, I don't want you to do this anymore..." & I'll give her a reason behind it. When my son was younger (he's 17 months now) my MIL was always trying to give him new foods. I wouldn't really say anything to her, but I'd say something to my bf, he's just blow me off & be like "she raised 3 kids, he'll be fine"...well she decided to feed him scrambled eggs for breakfast one day, come to find out, he's allergic to them! & she didn't even call me when it happened! I found out a couple hours later when I went to get him & she told me then! I was livid also! I asked my bf 'now do you see why i get so upset when she gives him new foods?!!' He was like 'yeah, understand now!'

But you need to tell her straight up, if you hurt her feelings then oh well. If she can't abide by your rules, then she just won't keep her. Point blank. Good luck!

Kerrie - posted on 06/28/2010

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its by far not the same but my boyfreineds parents dont listen well either they watch my daughter for 4 hours a week and she goes with her food for certain meals at certain times.. they have been told time and time again when she has what but most weeks she comes back hungry where she has messed about with her food so they give up and just give her bottles....(too many)..
like you im not sure what to say anymore

LaToya - posted on 06/28/2010

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my father in law drives mr crazy he thinks that he knows everthing and it drives me crazy. i just say whats on my mind and he will back down good luck.

Amanda - posted on 06/28/2010

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I agree with Kim. Your Mother in Law raised your boyfriend perfectly fine. And yes I realize that people have routines and particular ways they want their babies handled but by the time the baby is 9 months it won't be an issue. Unless you feel that the babies life is in danger then you should just let it go. Peace with the family is more important than how many baths your baby gets. Both my daughters have extreme eczema as well as myself and one extra bath every now and then does them no harm. And both my mother in law and mother co-sleept with both my daughters and the oldest is 4 and she's fine. I think the issue goes deeper than just this. And parents now days are too paranoid and inthe long run it effects your child nagatively!

Kim - posted on 06/28/2010

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I AM NOT DEFENDING HER! but everyone deals with kids differently. if she doesnt want to swaddle her and give her a pacifier then OK let her deal with the crying. she will soon see that the pacifier works. and about the bath, she is a mom too its not her 1st time and maybe ur bf said it was okay.. you should only have the soap she can use so its not like she is just goin to pick anything... its okay for a kid to have 2 baths in a day... i think the mom was just excited about babysitting her..... i dont know what to say for her in ur bed, thats weird.....

I get the feeling there is more to it then just her watching her and her living 40 mins away......

Stephanie - posted on 06/27/2010

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You have to be firm and talk with her about it. It is your child and if she follows a certain schedule all the time, then when it is disrupted, it is NOT good for her. My hubby's mother had our son for 5 hours and only fed him once (when he should have been fed twice) and didn't give him a nap (when he should have had an hour nap earlier and been asleep when I went to pick him up). I talked with her about how important it was to me that he stayed on his schedule and told her how his doctor approved of our schedule. Then she seemed to understand and tried much harder the next time. Still wasn't perfect, but who will treat your children exactly the same way you will? Good luck. Try talking to your bf too about the fact it is not you against his mom. You and him are raising the child. Not him and his mom.

Nicole - posted on 06/27/2010

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YES YES AND YES! and all i get is a well i will talk to them...just my daughters case would land her in the hospital. i finally gave them their one chance they blew it ... this time i put my foot down. i did not say anything to them but i turned to my boyfriend and told him never again. and i stand by that. he will have to pry my daughter out of my cold dead hands if he wants to have his parents to watch her again. i slapped him with our harsh reality. if they cause serious things to happen to her and a doctor sees it its considered neglect and they blame the parents... the kid gets taken away and then they investigate. then you spend a long time trying to get them back. Because of our daughters albinism she is enrolled in ohio early intervention which is help me grow. by law the EI specialists have to report neglect and abuse. even if i have to take her to the hospital i have to tell my EI person. otherwise she can get me for trying to hide neglect / abuse. its no different then filing an accident report for a job. and if they cause me to get my child taken away cause they think it is ok to go out side with no protection i would never forgive them. and i would probably have a lawsuit on their bums.

they never put her down and she got fussy on them.( she hates being held for long periods of time)..they fed her cause she would not stop fussing ...didn't make formula right gave her a tummy ache cause she had more water then formula. they do not believe in tummy time.( she actually loves to wiggle on her tummy) they think nap time is not needed...in her case it is or she gets cranky. they don't change her diaper regularly. they don't follow the feeding schedule. because of her albinism she has light sensitivity. and they think its ok to sit under their dining room light which is 4 60 watt light bulbs. when she closes her eyes she isn't always sleeping and they think she is. they think standing in the sun with her is ok when sunburns can actually send her to the hospital. i tell them to use her sun glasses and they wave it off like its no big deal. she has skin allergies to certain products we found out and they use anything they have on hand.

noting against co sleepers but i would never co sleep because i know i do not stay still at night. and if you roll on the child and the child is seriously hurt or even worse dies. you would be facing some serious time. even though America is one of the only countries to not support co sleeping i think its for a good reason. i have already faced the harsh reality of falling asleep holding my child while i was feeding her in the middle of the night . i was lucky all she did was fall barely a foot on to blankets and pillows. but that didn't change me taking her in the next day to get looked at or feeling like crap for that happening. And his dad has done that too...after my one incident you put her down if you are tired. i don't say anything to them and i wont yet. i have my patience. but its wearing thin. he has very little time before they slip up once more and i go bitch mode on them. i know they are old and are hard headed but that just does not fly. in a way i am glad we are 45 min drive away. cause they barely see her once a week.
im sorry if this is more like a rant but its hard when they call in and ask when we are coming out... i always want to be like NEVER! but i know its wrong. so i deal with visits but she doesn't go there alone never again.

Tiffany - posted on 06/27/2010

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Hurt her feelings. I know it sounds really bad, but its your child, not hers. Maybe if you say something she doesnt like she will finally listen. When she does these things it throws the babys ENTIRE schedule and routine off and it is ssoo hard to get it back once its gone, as Im sure you know. I know its mean, but some people just have to be told out right.

Kris - posted on 06/27/2010

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I'd be upset too...

I DO co-sleep... I love co-sleeping... but you're absolutely right a babysitter should not be doing it. That is so not safe! Especially the way she was doing it...

And yes, I deal with some of that too. Thankfully I'm closer to my inlaws here than my family... so I don't deal with it as much as I could. My family would feed my kids junk I don't want them eating. I've seen them do it when we visit. My inlaws are great about that for the most part (my FIL doesn't seem to understand the importance of us cutting all dairy out of our 2 year olds diet right now...) but other things are an issue. My MIL insists on using disposable wipes on her... despite her being very allergic to them and telling her that it hurts even. She's also bought diapers for her house but I'm not fighting that since she tried to get the least offensive brand... I think she's being petty about it at times (ie one visit put a clean diaper in the wetbag as soon as she got home, not here during the change, let me put the good diaper on her and then pulled her stunt at home... then last time she did the opposite, let her wear her diaper the whole visit and then changed her right before coming home, put her in a sposie knowing there was cloth there and knowing full well she wouldn't have to deal with it and there was no reason to use one of hers), but still... My FIL took a used carseat & he and my husband lied to me about the weight requirements and keep insisting that the stinking thing is safe when I highly doubt it. I hate that carseat. Both of them think I'm overreacting (if you saw it.... ) Oh.. and I over reacted when I made her get a lead test after finding out she chewed on a lead nini for months. Thankfully fewer issues with my son so far.. the only issue so far is them (including hubby) wanting to circ him and me not wanting too.

Sorry went off on a bit of a vent myself. Kind of upset about some of this at the moment lol.

Carina - posted on 06/27/2010

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i know exactly how you feel. i still have that problem with my mother in law. she does things her way and you think she would get it through her head after almost 4 years that we like things done a certian way but they just do it any way. my husband at first wouldn't say anything to his mother but he finally did and things did get a little better but not a whole lot. i hope things turn out for the better for you. good luck.

Brianna - posted on 06/27/2010

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i have simular problems with my inlaws. my hubby wants them to babysit but i cant trust them! I see what they do with his brothers baby who is 1 month older than mine and i just shake my head! If you dont watch them they will feed the baby anythings INCUDING BEER. There are alots of food allergys in my family and so im careful what i feed her and dont want her to eat anything thats shes never tried before without me their. also if they feed the baby something that upsets their tummy whos got to deal with a screaming baby all night? ME not them.

Sara - posted on 06/27/2010

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My stepmother complains about things I do with my daughter IN FRONT OF HER who is 8 years old. I have no choice but to bite my tongue because we live with my dad and her.
It is up to your partner to confront his mother about this. I suggest showing him articles on the dangers of co-sleeping and the universal recommendation of back sleeping to reduce the risk of SIDS. I had that particular argument with my own mother when my daughter was born (i told her, when you have a MD at the end of your name, then you can check me!).

Weingerz - posted on 06/27/2010

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i know what you mean my boyfriends dad live an hour away, and is ceotic to go there specialy when his dad wants us to be there at 10am. and my son alex wakes up at 8am,. i hate haveing to change my son's schedule because it trows him off. and about how to tell his mom just one day when you guys are talking about your daughter and how she is doing just slip it in ther eand make a coment that you dont like anyone co-sleeping with your child.

Brittney - posted on 06/27/2010

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All you need to say next time she tells you your daughter is spoiled. Just tell her shes not spoiled she's structured! She has her routine and enjoys it there's nothing wrong with that!!! I never had the problem with my MIL but my own mom. I sat her down and finally told her this is my child not hers therefore what I said needed to be but if she wanted to voice an opinion I wouldn't shut it out. I'd leave your boyfriend out of the steping up to his mom, guys hate this I asked my hubby to do it one time and realized that was a mistake he was too soft and I still had to step up anyway. Good luck!

Jenifer - posted on 06/27/2010

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I have the exact same issues!! It makes me so mad... My son has a nap time and he naps for 3-4 hours a day if not its like one of those horror films at my house after i get off and bring him home... The last thing I wanna do when I get off from a 8.5 hour shift is to have a mad baby because she didn't lay him down for his nap! I get so mad and the other topper is that out of allllllll the people i have had watch him he comes home filthy dirty..... I know he is all over now at 11 months but its just weird no one else seems to have this problem...... And don't worry its like my sons dad doesn't want to listen like its all in my head! I guess if it doesn't change i'll have to talk to her myself.... But i'm just going to say if he can't get his nap during the day then ill just have to find someone else cuz his nap is really important... but your boyfriends mom seems more like my mom has been and finally i just had to set her down and be like this is my baby I'm going to do this my way cuz things have changed and when I'm ready for him to have that you will be the first to know..... It sucks when you have issues cuz really they have the best intentions and you know they've done it all and they think they know best but sometimes you have to be firm or they will keep doing it! hope this helps a lil

Anne - posted on 06/27/2010

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Tell her again and don't hold back, this is your babies safety.



We did co-sleep with Freddie but once he was asleep he would be moved into his own cot, and he was NEVER allowed to sleep on his front. (now i can't stop him as he is a 19months-rolls about all over)

I'm thankful to my mum and dad who watch Freddie quite alot when we are both working, but they keep giving him chocolate (sometime the minute i walk through the door on a morning) and jucie when they know we prefer him to have water and sweets/chocolate once a week. They also give him his comforter and dummy through the day when we have been trying to get him off it so only allow him to have it when he is going to a nap.

Its hard but i tell them, its either better coming from me or Simon will really tell them, and he isn't backwards in coming forwards!!



I can't beleive your partner hasn't stood with you on this, tell him to have a word with his mother and that until he does and she is willing to follow your rules she is NOT watching Hattie.

Ramona - posted on 06/26/2010

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Yes, well, she tells me what to do with his other kids. I still haven't figured out how to deal with it other than to just not leave my baby alone with her when I have her! If she won't follow my rules, she doesn't need to watch my kid! Period.

Raven - posted on 06/26/2010

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I agree with you completely, I wouldn't want anyone to watch my daughter if they won't follow my rules!

Tamara - posted on 06/26/2010

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after reading all the replies to your post i dont think i need to say much in terms of your MIL. But what infuriated me is that your BF didnt support you. No matter what you are a team, and he has to be your first point of support. if he cannot present a united front to your MIL then how on earth is she going to listen.
i am a pretty blunt person. I would just not let her care for Hattie. and tell her it is because she didnt do as you asked. and if your BF wants his mother to care for Httie the he needs to side with you. Most people out parents age come from the era of 'the mans word'. so if he supports you then she may be more inclined to listen. have you spoken to him about it since? have you explained to him how it hurts you that he doesnt support you? maybe you can play to his masculine side?

Michelle - posted on 06/26/2010

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I am not okay with parents or other people sleeping in the same bed!! She could've suffocated YOUR child!! And laying her on her stomach? UMMM HELLO? EVER HEAR OF SIDS?!? Tell her straight up to follow the instructions or forget about having her watch your baby! I BARELY see my son anymore because my job takes me away from him. :( Im SO sad by this! His mom wants to take him ALL the time, even when Im home on the weekends... And then his dad lives an hour away, he took him one night.. I guess he did fine, he even gave me a hug & asked how we do it. lol His mom though... I cant stand that woman. She lives in the same town & gets pissed when we tell her she's not needed. She doesnt even burp my son because my fav... "it takes too long" WTF? REALLY?

Rachel - posted on 06/26/2010

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I can understand it can be frustrating. But I would have a talk with your boyfriend first and talk about what you want for your child, the level of care that you except when you two are not with your child. Then I would talk to his mother. Let her know that you want your child to have a relationship with her, but if she cannot respect your wishes she is not going to be permitted to spend time with her alone. I can tell you are a first time mom and it is important to do things at a pace you are comfortable with. There is nothing wrong with your child not being swaddled or someone else giving her a bath (agree with the non parent co sleeping thing..Strange) but it is up too you to determine when both the baby and you are ready for that!!!! Let her know that it is not that you do not trust her mothering or feel that she would ever harm your child, just that there are things you are not comfortable with yet!!! I agree with some of the other mothers, establish rules and bounders in your parenting style and share those with your family!!! Also you have to learn to let go of some things. No matter who you ask to watch you child not evey single thing you want them to do is going to happen. You have to pick a choice you battles and if you can’t look past some of the small stuff maybe you are not ready to have someone watch your child yet and there is nothing wrong with that, you need to do things when you are ready.

Amanda - posted on 06/26/2010

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SORRY, I would just let it all out on her....take her to lunch somewhere public and tell her calmly about your feelings on the matter and hope all goes well. The reason I say take her out in public is because most adults don't like to cause a seen or be judged for poor behavior in public, ergo, she is less likely to flip out on you there. If she doesn't like it, tough. She won't watch the baby. I did the same with my mil and now things are better, much better. Good luck hun!

ALEXIA - posted on 06/26/2010

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yes i do understand this! my fiances grandmother watched my daughter when she was younger (shes 3 now)..we would only leave her for 1-2 hrs. The first time, she fed her eggs at about 7 months:/ i was mad! the second time she fed her chili at about 8months and it was at night so i was up all night with my poor baby bc her stomach was upset!!! my fiance did tell her she was not coming over again until she listened to our rules! maybe you should just tell her you know what you want and wont settle for less..its okay if her feelings get hurt bc your feelings got hurt and it was over your child! hope this helps:)

Erin - posted on 06/26/2010

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I have issues like that with my mom. I've learned its best to flat out tell her weather she will get upset or not. its hard to hurt her feelings sometimes but its the only way to get your point across. I totaly think sleeping with someone elses baby is a big no no!!! i would be mad at any one who did that with my children. I would say just be honest and tell her you dont want her to babysit you could even say she could babysit when your baby gets older.

Sara - posted on 06/26/2010

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Well Hattie is ur child not hers my mom use to do the samething and I got mad at her about it and my boyfriendsmom does the samething they do want the want and when u tell ur bf about it they get mad at u well sorry for being concerned and wanting the best for my child, hun, u just need to tell her if she cant abid by u rules and what u want her to do concerning ur child then tell her then she cant watch her anymore its that simple , and apologize and say hey I am sorry if this sound bitchy but I have told u and even wrote it down for u and u still don comply with my orders so therefor I cant have u to watch ur granddaughter anymore, it might hurt her feeling alittle but she'll get over it, Hattie is ur child and u know whats best for her and a babysitter needs to follow the instuctions on what the parents want for the child when u are way. and the co-sleeping part if it isnt ur child then they shouldnt do it cause they would be responsible if the would hurt the baby, so I agree with u there.. well I wish u luck and hope it goes good for u.

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If it were me I wouldn't let her babysit. You had very specific reasons for your instructions and that's because YOU know your baby and her needs better than anyone! Any sitter, including family, should respect that. Maybe she wouldn't do the same thing with her kids when they were babies but this is not her kid. All babies are different and all parent parent differently. Just because she's already raised kids does not mean she did everything right. And I firmly believe anyone who doesn't repect your wishes with your child should not be left alone with your child! The reason- what else is she doing, or will she do in the future that you may not even know about?? And sure, it may not necessarily be harming your baby, but even just going against what she's used to as comforting and soothing, if it's making your baby unhappy or unnecessarily stressed about your absence, that's just not something you want to put your baby through. There's nothing wrong with not letting his mom babysit if you're not comfortable with it. It's not like you're not allowing her to see the baby at all, she can spend time with her when you're there to supervise and step in if you daughter needs it. :) I really think babysitting should only be a job for those who respect and mimic the parents' methods!

Becky Jane - posted on 06/26/2010

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i think your right to be mad, i dont like people watching amelia as they dont do things how i do it, hattie isnt used to her doing that way so will get mad, i think your boyfriend is being a bit mean to you and a bit insesitive to your needs and wants as a mother, i would poot my foot down and stop her point lank from babysitting in the future till she can do it your way, does she not know the risks of co-sleeping she sounds as though she is in the dark ages. and as hattie's mum you want what is best for her, so i am with you on this one!!!!

Erin - posted on 06/26/2010

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OMG... i havent really had problems with this yet.. but if i would u i would refuse... i mean REFUSE to ever let her watch your child again.. and if your boyfriend has something to say about it... i would tell him to F off.... im pissed just reading this...

Alexandra - posted on 06/26/2010

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Wow looks like you have a lot on your hands. I don't co-sleep because I dont want my son to get used to it and that be the only way he can fall asleep. When he comes home from his dads he does try to get me to sleep with me but I dont. I will lay there for a little while the first day he gets back and thats it!
When it comes to my parents not listening I tell them point blank. They try to get me to let my son sleep later because he will wake up later. As a kid i remember no matter what time i went to sleep I would wake up early and my son is the same way. His bed time is 9pm and they would like him to stay up as late as he can. The only reason they were putting him to bed is because i would work nights. Well I worked 4 nights in a row and when i was finally off he would NOT go to sleep. I txt my mom that they will no longer put him to sleep later and I am his mother and they need to stop trying to be his parents.
As for the in-laws I just kindly told them that I dont like that or i dont do things like that, but I never say it where my son can hear me because i dont want him thinking that one person/parent will over ride what the other is doing. Although i disagreed, I still let it pass but just that one time.
Hope this helps, sorry if its confusing.

Ava - posted on 06/26/2010

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Chances are the baby just missed you and got very frustrated and didn't feel like sleeping until you got home. Mine does that a lot with babysitters. And a babysitter that isn't ready for that could very well get VERY tired (I've gotten to the danger-level tired of passing out while my daughter was still awake, so I can understand her frustration as well) and feel too utterly drained to do much else. It is your child and you do make the rules so she should have called you if she was having problems and asked for some advice. I co-sleep with my daughter every night. She sleeps on her back next to me (unless she toss-turns and curls up against my arms), but my daughter can just as easily fall asleep in a crib, or on a baby fold-out couch-bed (35 dollars at walmart, pretty nice), or anywhere with or without me. I think you overreacted, that being said. Co-sleeping is actually natural. Babies were made to co-sleep at birth, and 3/4 of the world practices co-sleeping (the same amount that practice not even using diapers from birth, and their kids are potty-trained by 9 months). America and parts of Europe, particularly England and surrounding areas, are some of the only countries that regularly practice using cribs. Co-sleeping is actually just as natural as breast-feeding (what do you think babies did before cribs/cots were invented?) and provides excellent bond for the mother and child. I can see your point, like I said, but I think you overreacted. Like bathing? Well that's a pretty sure fire way to calm a child down. She raised her own kid, so you have to give her a little more credit. You're sort of treating her like she's incompetent. My mother has a very different parenting style than I do, but my compromise is 'as long as my daughter is safe', my mother can watch her. While her views differ from mine (she doesn't co-sleep, she uses jarred baby-food when I use raw/natural, she gives her sink baths while I give her baths in the adult tub, et cetera), as long as my daughter doesn't seem to mind her I let her watch her. Now it's a concern that the child wasn't asleep, yes---just make sure next time, if you allow her to watch the kid again, that she will either swaddle her or she won't be allowed. My daughter hates being swaddled, and never liked it from the moment she was born, so not all kids are the same and she may not understand that.

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