when is it time to call it quits?

Nicole - posted on 07/22/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My husband and i have been together for almost 10 years ( married 3) and have 2 kids. We have been fighting about everything for quite awhile now. He says that i pay no attention to our oldest daughter who is almost 4. This is not true....at all. My oldest has become a pain because we have had problems with her holding in her poop and refusing to go at all (not just in the potty). This is very frustrating to both of us and every approach we have tried has failed. We feel, now, that she is doing it all for attention (good or bad). She started this after we brought our youngest (12 months now) home from the hospital. I personally think that the baby just needs more attention because she is a baby and needs more things done for her. He dont really give her much in my opinion. I think that he favors our oldest more and he thinks that i favor our youngest more. I love both of our children equally. We have been fighting over these things and more for awhile. Also, i never want to have sex. For some reason, i have absolutely no sex drive what so ever. I know that this bothers him and it bothers me too. Im not sure if i am depressed or if its him that is depressing me! I have tried to talk to him about this and our problem, but it never really gets worked out. Im just wondering what others who dont know me and him persoanlly think about it all. Im also wondering if i should just give up. Ive been with him since i was 16 and still love him as much as i did then, but i just want some peace and no more drama. When do you think its time to call it quits?

6 Comments

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Crystal - posted on 07/24/2009

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i wouldnt split with him just because you are having problems, potty training can be a pain and it must be really hard for you with two kids while hubby goes to work. why not get a baby sitter one night and you and hubby go out to dinner and talk it through? sounds like you both need some time away from the kids and to talk this through. im sure he wants to work this out as much as you do, dont give up love if the love is still there then there must be a way to work it out. fight for him!

Amber - posted on 07/24/2009

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I understand what your going through in your relationship somewhat just because I have also been with my partner since we were 15 and though we do not have the same issues rearding the children we do have some of the same problems as far as sex drive and we went through a period of fighting alot for a while. Honestly I told him I was unhappy so much and didnt want to have sex, yes I did have ppd and am still on medication after five years. But I had a breaking point bcuz he just would not change. We were supposed to get married last year and called it off because we just werent getting along. I actually did leave. But I couldnt handle everything by myself and let him move back in. Everything is so different now, he wants me back so bad and treats me like a queen we get along so much better. I'm not by any means saying you should leave, thats just what it took for me to see a change. Counseling is a really good idea though and looking into ppd as well. Good luck to you

Elizabeth - posted on 07/22/2009

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Hi, I agree with what the others have said but I want to throw in just one thing, I was very unsure after I had my only child and eventually I ended up having to leave because of other issues( not important to what we are discussing).I would highly suggest talking to a doctor about post partum depression, I was diagnosed after my baby was about 8 months old and I wish I would have went sooner...I didn't believe I had it because I had none of the commonly known symptoms of wanting to hurt baby or myself, but the meds helped. They put my on prozac low dose since I breastfed but they did help me a lot...just a suggestion.

Nicole - posted on 07/22/2009

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thanks for the good advice guys :) It is always stressful when there are children involved and your right, maybe my oldest has been sensing these things. :( As for me being on any meds...im not. I know i should probably get checked by my doc, but it makes it hard with no health insurance. Counseling may be a good idea also. Its just a tough situation that has been stressing me out and i really appreciate all of your thoughts and ideas on the matter. Thanks :)

Jamie - posted on 07/22/2009

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I would say try some counseling. Individual and together. It can be a great benefit. With 3 kids running around things get stressful and communication seems to stop and everyone is just getting pist at everyone else, kids included. As for your sex drive, are you on BC or any type of anti depressent? This can be a major inflence on your sex drive.

Jessica - posted on 07/22/2009

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I think that to help deal with your 4 yr old you need to make her more of a helper, I know my kids love to be "my big helper". I would stop giving her attention when it's obvious that's wat she's fishing for, there's good, bad and no attention, she can't fish for what she doesn't get. If she messes in her pants don't make a big deal out of it but make her help clean up. If she goes in the toilet, treat it as a normal thing which it should be by now. Give her more big girl things to do and let her help as much as possible with her little sister. If none of this works I would ask your Dr. for some tips or possibly someone shecould talk to.



Now regarding your husband, this is always shaky ground to give advice on but I'll do my best. First of all with any stress or tension your sex drive will be nonexsistent. With all the arguing you al have been doing it's no wonder you aren't in the mood. I think if you try to involve your 4 yr old in the care of your 1 yr old that would help with the arguement about favoring one over the other. I do agree with you that the younger children need a little more attention and that's where the challenge is, you need to find balance. Give your hubby the baby for a couple of hours and have special mommy and her big girl time. It sounds like if you can get some balance with the girls then your relationshipwill follow suit. One more thing, kids can sense tension and strife which couldbe another contributing factor to her issue. Hope some of this helps and if you need anything else feel free to ask, being married with almost 5 children has given alot of experiences to pull from :).

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