when will my daughter let me have PEACE

D - posted on 09/29/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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hello ladies, just some thoughts and if you can help with some words for me that would greatly be appreciated. my daughters father and i separated back in june, i went to the child support office and filed, he was giving me 50 a week for her which was better than nothing...well come to find out he is going to have to pay 500-600 a month in support and he is livid, he is fighting this and we have to go to court in october. well orders were finally made for our custody case and he got everyother weekend for 7 hrs each day, no over nights. the second day of his first weekend he showed up two hours late and dropped our daughter off with his cousin cause he had some stuff to do for a home he is trying to purchase. i found out about this 3 hrs after he picked her up, after calling numerous times i went to go get our daughter from his cousin an hr and a half early...again before we left i tried him again to let him know what was going on...still nothing. not to mention the homeowner of where my daughter was staying kindly suggested i go pick up our daughter since she was not home, our daughter is an insurance liability and they have a pool with no fence. he called the cops and nothing ever came about that...other than him filing a police report...well just a couple days ago i was served papers from him filing a contempt of court order because i picked up our child who is 2, an hr and a half early!! all other visits since have been somewhat good other than him being late here and there, no big deal, i just make my documents for court purposes. but why is he making my life hell and taking me to court over my picking her up from when he wasnt with her...why not leave her with me that way i can hang out with her??? i make sure any plans i make involve my daughter...i cant get enough of my little girl!! so taking me to court for ONE incodent....not only does that seem ridiclous but there is more money i have to put out for, for my attorney!! why not just leave me alone, bring up your issues when we go back to court in november??? i dont bother him even when he has her...yet he will send me texts like can you send me a pic, i left this is your car....just leave me alone and i will see you in court twice in oct and once in nov! he knows i'm struggling financially and he is doing this just to put me further in debt, he took our couches and tv from my house when the judge ordered him to move out...again i had to reach into the pocket book to get couches a new tv for our living room and on top of that he took the tv and dvd player out of our daughters room....so he is just being as heartless as he possibly can....any words or advice for someone who has been through court for contempt or child custody....

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Jodi - posted on 09/30/2014

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I'm not saying that what he has done is morally right. But legally, he does have the right. Moral and legal don't always agree, unfortunately. Yes, I do understand your concerns. When my ex left, he took half the furniture, electronics, etc (which was his right) and then stored it in my garage. I mean, really, WTF? I was nice and allowed him to store it there temporarily rather than pay for storage. I wanted him to be able to find a way to afford to find somewhere to live. But after 12 months, I told him that anything that was still in my garage was mine. I gave him a FAIR chance to be able to establish himself somewhere else. Asshole or not. He IS my child's father.

Oh, and I received NO child support.

But the fact is, depending on what your court orders say, you could also file for contempt. Yes he is being a pain in the ass. But legally, if you follow the court orders, there is nothing he can do. You chose not to. If you follow the orders, to the letter, how can he possibly file contempt? Can you see my point? Don't play the "tit for tat" game. He picked her up late, so it's ok for me to pick her up early. Um, no. It's not ok, and by playing that game, that's how you got into trouble.

And the fact is, once an asshole, always an asshole. You are buying into his game and letting the little things get to you. Stop at the big picture. You have 18 years of this, and probably actually longer, given your child is likely to have a wedding, and you and your ex are likely to have grandchildren together. So take a step back. Follow your court orders and he can't file contempt on you. If you don't like the court orders, don't take it in your own hands, go and get new ones.

So I actually have been where you are.

D - posted on 09/30/2014

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Cora....

Thank you for the kind words. I agree with you about the whole time w/our daughter and making it difficult to enjoy our time together. But I am and have always been a hard worker...he knows this, maybe he wants me to take on a second job for even less time...either way what he did was low down and totally uncalled for. Thank you for the comment about the TV in my daughters room, what I chose to have in my daughter's room is my decision as a mother. But my point was what type of father takes from his daughters room...regardless if he wants to put it in his place, right now and for the past 4 months it's been in storage. I would love nothing more than to be able to be civil w/her father....I mean it's not like i hate the guy, i would love nothing more than to fix our broken family, if it's in God's plan. I will never lose hope for our family to recover, both my ex and I need to find peace in our current situation and need to finally be happy, then i think we will truly know if we want to try again...for now the Lord know's what he is doing and the decision is to be apart.

Cora...has your ex's ever got over on your kindness? What i mean is i have totally been there trying to be the kind/nice person but just get crapped on for it. it's like i'm so tired of trying to bend over backwards and im constantly getting stabbed in the back by him so at this point, it's like a robot, try not to have any feelings and go by the book and NOTHING else :(

Cora - posted on 09/30/2014

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How awful...by what you have said it sounds as though he is acting out of spite, taking both the Tvs, etc, he obviously doesn't need them, maybe he just figures this will make your daughters time with you less enjoyable if he takes away her and your Luxury's.. who knows why people do what they do when they are angry for what ever reason but you do deserve better!

(It really is your business alone if there is a TV in her room, my daughter also has one and loves dance to her sing along when playing with her toys... we cant all afford special play rooms!)

I wish I could offer you more relevant advice, I have children to 2 fathers who I am now seperated from. Im a people pleaser to say the least so during my breakup with my daughters Father, despite his hurtful comments and actions I tried to support him the best way I knew how and helped him move on with his life, I made sure he understood because we share a child together for the sake of this child we needed to get along and move our partnership from a relationship to a friendship, he needed to be reassured over and over and over, Took some time but paid off in the end. he just felt left out, he was angry I got the kids and the house, and his hard earned money (Child support) and he felt completely ripped off... He got over it eventually with help and now I am very close with them both and their new wives.

I thought I would share how I got through my difficult breakup, it wasn't without its screaming frenzy's and tousles, and I am not assuming your situation is the same but if nothing is working.. change your approach.. kind will eventually be met with kind (I hope lol) anger will be met with anger. good luck to you.

D - posted on 09/30/2014

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Jodi-

i understand me picking up our daughter early wasn't right, and i may have been in contempt of the court order, but isn't it the same for him letting me know he wouldn't be picking up our daughter until 12pm when he should have picked her up at 10am? or is it ok for him to make the rules of how much time he is going to spend with our daughter on the 4 days a month he gets her?

our daughter has a tv and dvd player in her room because children like to watch cartoons at that age, there is NO cable in the room, I only allow her to watch educational DVD's. As far as the furniture goes, we both paid on the items and what kind of a man would take these items without a place to put them? why not leave them for his child and her mother who have a home and need them? they are probably stuck in some storage area collecting dust, that to me is NOT something a TRUE MAN does...the least he can do is not fight child support and help out with her financially...really....300 in the past 4 months? he makes decent money....the way these guys act sometimes is unbelievable.

The reason for him not having any over nights is because he is an alcoholic, when we first went to court the judge ordered NO drinking around our daughter or 12 hrs prior to seeing her, well he would still show up to my home with alcohol and i would document this, when we went back to court for custody my attorney brought this up in court and the judge was NOT happy. I think because he was TRULY in CONTEMPT of a court order(this happened more than ONCE) and because of her age. He is renting a room right now with no place for our daughter to sleep. i didn't bring that up to the judge because he has no overnights anyhow, i realize the orders will not stay the same forever but right now that our daughter doesn't have a voice and cant tell me if she is scared or feels unsafe then I'm happy with the way the orders stand.

The whole contempt of court order i think is a ridiculous move on his part, it was the FIRST weekend and again he was 2 hrs late in picking up our daughter. i can understand taking me or someone to court if they are constantly violating the order but he is just trying to stick it to me however he can financially. and trust me, i am feeling it, with no help for our daughter, the holidays coming, her birthday...I'm going to try to take a 2nd out on my home today in order to still have legal representation in court...

Jodi - posted on 09/29/2014

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OK, you WERE in contempt of your court orders if you picked your daughter up on his time. Unless your court orders state that he can't leave her with anyone else, then sorry, he didn't breach any court orders, you did. When you go somewhere, do you ever leave your daughter with someone else? Or do you give him first option? He doesn't have to tell you unless it is in the orders, and you have no right to end visitation early unless it is in the orders.

With regard to the couch and TV, is that all he took? Furnishings are joint assets, when you split up, both parties have a right to some of them. You can't expect that you would be left with everything you owned when he left. At least he didn't take the fridge and washing machine, the really critical things you need for your child. I'm not sure the tv and dvd player in your daughter's room was a necessity either. Why do you have a tv in your child's room at this age?

Can I ask why he doesn't have any overnights?

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