Why does joint custody and visitation have to be so hard on the mom?

Hope - posted on 12/28/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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When my son is gone with his "co-creator" I always feel sick to my stomach not having him home. This man has just decided 3 months ago to become apart of his life, and it makes me sooo mad. When I call to talk to Dylan he always ask "where Daddy at?" referring to my husband who has been raising him and you can hear his Co-creator in the background yelling at my son telling him that " he's not your Daddy I am." How do you deal with this?

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Petra - posted on 12/30/2009

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I am on the opposite side of things - my partner's son has been taught to call his mother's (now ex-) boyfriend daddy. While I do not agree with this, I do feel that it is important that your child knows where he comes from and who his father is, whether you view him as a sperm donor or as a dad - if your child's father wants to be a part of his life, there is no reason (other than if staying with his father represents a danger of some sort) to try to stop them from having a relationship. If your son chooses to call someone else daddy there is not necessarily anything wrong with that, but he still needs to know who his father is... being honest with your kids, no matter what the truth is, will never come back to haunt you - whereas allowing your child to think someone else is their father can definitely have some negative repercussions.

Melissa - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Erin:

For your husband to adopt your son your ex has to either NOT be on the birth certificate or sign over his rights, legally taking away your right to collect child support and his rights for visitation. If your ex is utilizing his rights to see his kid then I highly suspect he will not sign his rights over so your husband can adopt him! I would have a talk w/him about yelling at your son over something like him calling his step-dad 'dad' though! At 2 this can be VERY confusing!



I have done some research on this and yes the birth father would have to sign a piece of paper to give up his rights, hoever....you do not need that for the step father to adopt. I am going through this right now and if you can prove that your son's father has not had communication with him in at least 6 months, then the court can decide to terminate his rights without his consent. And for me, not getting the child support is fine. I have my husband's and my income which is more than enough.

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For your husband to adopt your son your ex has to either NOT be on the birth certificate or sign over his rights, legally taking away your right to collect child support and his rights for visitation. If your ex is utilizing his rights to see his kid then I highly suspect he will not sign his rights over so your husband can adopt him! I would have a talk w/him about yelling at your son over something like him calling his step-dad 'dad' though! At 2 this can be VERY confusing!

Melissa - posted on 12/28/2009

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I would document all of that. If you have a set time that he is supposed to pick up your son, and he's not there at that time, document it. I mean you have to be a stickler about everything. And documentation is your best friend. Did you ever think about having your husband adopt your son? You may also want to start secretly recording your conversations with your ex as it may help you in court one day. If he says that he left your with his mother and you didn't know about it and you have it on tape, i'm sure that a judge would like to hear it.

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Terrie Lynn - posted on 02/23/2013

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Just tell your son that it's his decision to call Stepdad Dad and that his co-creator is his biologocal dad and he should respect him as that but he does not have to call him DAD!! He aint been there for him like that!! It makes me mad when those sy-so-daddies want to be the main event!! Tell him to get real!!!

Helen - posted on 12/31/2009

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i know it's hard but be thankful you still have him most of the time, four years ago i was hospitilized with severe depression, it took my ex 24 hours to file for divorce and make me homeless, i went into a shelter for women the night before the first court hearing so i obviously didn't get custody. Outside of my visitation rights every other weekend and part of the holidays i have no contact with my son, his dad refuses my phone calls and doesn't pass on the letters i send. I do still have parental responsabiliy but his dad takes out stuff from the school liasion book because "it's nothing to do with me" and he's told our son that if he says he would like to live with me, his stepdad and brother it means he has betrayed his dad and that his dad and his family won't want to see him anymore.

Hope - posted on 12/30/2009

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Dylan knows that Cody is his biological father, he made the choice to call Andy "daddy" last year when he had RSV and Andy satyed up with him for 2 days and took care of him when we had to go to the hospital. So it's not like I ever told my son to call him daddy it was completely his decision. And I am definately not going to tell him not to.

Jamie - posted on 12/28/2009

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Its normal to feel that way, its called maternal insticnt. Id be more concerned if you didnt feel that way. It will get easier, it will still suck.

Hope - posted on 12/28/2009

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My son is two years old he gets Dylan every other weekend, see that's not the problem I just found out that he has left my son with his mother for 2 nights in a 3 day visitation to go out.... It would be easier if he wasn't such a liar.  Yes we do have court papers but the papers also read thast if he leaves the child with a sitter for any reason I have to be notified!





 

Melissa - posted on 12/28/2009

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I am sorry that you have to go through this. What exactly are the joint custody arrangements? When I got engaged a few weeks ago, my 7 year old decided that he wanted to call my fiance dad. Michael, my fiance has been raising my son with me since just before he turned 4. He knows who his real father is, but he told me when he made the decision to call Michael dad that he wants to call him dad because he is there for everything. He calls his real father, (sperm donor) papi and he knows who he is but see's my fiance as more of his father. How old is your son? I would just tell your son to do what he feels comfortable with. Maybe your husband could adopt your son. That is what we are going to try to do once we are married. And I would tell your son that any man can be a father, but it takes a REAL man and someone special to be a daddy. It doesn't matter if he is blood related, as long as he is there for your son and helps raise him. If your ex still gives you trouble, I would go beack to court for visitation modification. Document everything!!! I did when my son's father fought me for joint custody and he only picked up my son once. So, when I petition the court for adoption, I can prove that he has not been there. Did you go through the courts for the joint custody? I wish you the best of luck!!!

Whitney - posted on 12/28/2009

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Ok i have to say thats fair cause my husband has visitations with his son and its the same thing we dont know if hes getting what he needs and i do understand but remember its not just moms that feel that way.

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