Why when the kid is ready?

Krystle - posted on 04/09/2009 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I read a lot of ladies posts that ask for advice on how to get a the kid from stopping something or starting on something, and, I think, about 75% of the replying ladies always write, "...when the baby is ready, let them." That's something I don't understand. I believe we are here to raise our child and not vice verse. Raising our child requires us to teach them how to move on and that they'll be ok with or without whatever it is.

Here's my thing, the baby or toddler doesn't know when to stop or when he or she is ready for something. Isn't it up to the parent(s) to acknowledge when the little one needs to move on in life? As adults, we have the mental ability to be able to know when we need to move on. Why do some expect the undeveloped mind of a child to be able to recognize that the pacifier needs to go, it's time to start drink from a sippy cup, and/or it's time to be potty trained? Let's do the Potty Dance people!!! I have never heard a successful story of a child weening his or herself; many moms letting the kid do so soon seek answers.

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Barbara - posted on 04/10/2009

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I haven't had to experience an older child with a habit to break as my child is only 14 months, but I have been a nanny and I've worked in daycare, and found that the most effective way of changing those habits is when the child is around other children who don't use a pacifier or who are potty trained, etc.  In my experience, children pretty much want to do what is expected of them to do.  They are naturally social, and if the people in their society are indicating that they are too big for a pacifier, that says a lot to them.  Maybe it takes more time to let them come to those decisions on their own, but in 99.9% of the cases I believe they will give it up on their own eventually.  I mean, I personally have never seen a grade schooler walking around with a pacifier.  Have you? 

Erica - posted on 04/09/2009

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i agree older kids for sure need to have things taken away like bottles, soothers, and all those other things, and i know about getting caught up in feeling i kinda do the same thing. I'm sure of use say we do this. Right ladies! Anyways this was a good conversation. And i'm glad to hear that everyone agrees with older kids and things that should not be. Anyways Hope everyone has a good Easter weekend!!

[deleted account]

Quoting Emily:



Quoting Krystle:

To make myself a little more clear, I'm talking about the extremes... like a 3 yr old wearing diapers, not potty trained, and a two year old still drinking a bottle. Or an 18 month old never having solids. I haven't had a chance to read everyone's comments by the way. I don't appreciate being "corrected," this is my personal opinion.

I do agree that there are different parenting styles and every baby is different and they'll have their different time lines, but I think that there is something wrong with the scenarios that I mentioned above. I think that there's a thin line between knowing when your child is ready by his or her signs and letting the kid walk right over you. When does the parent recognize this? At her last options?





Ok. This makes it a bit clearer. My children were out of diapers by 16 and 18 months but a three year old in diapers is actually not that unusual. The "average" age for boys to be out of diapers is something like 37 months now and that is just average. This one is also difficult to gauge because there are a lot of physical things that might indicate a child is not ready for pottying like thicker bladder walls, not quite developed neurological pathways... Also, parents who never allow the child to observe them using the bathroom, keep a child in super absorbant diapers that can handle cups upon cups of liquid like the commercials brag about and don't explain the reasons fo changing them frequently to the child, don't introduce the potty, but then expect the child to magically start using the toilet because they've reached some arbitrary age.  As for the bottle I think that it is kind of sad that doctors recomend bottlefed babies be off the bottle at one year but breast fed babies continue for as long as both parties are comfortable. I understand that it is extrememly important because the bottle does damage teeth, but some twelve month olds still have that intense need to suck. Hopefully, by two the parents have gently replaced that sucking comfort with parental comfort. So, I agree if there is a health consequence it is important for the parents to take charge. I have never met an eighteen month old without other sensory or digestive issues that has never had solids though I do have several friends who waited until 12 months to introduce anythign but breastmilk. There's nothing wrong withthat but I think it is fun to give solids at 6 or 7 months old.



 



Wow your kids were out ot diapers fast, thats awesome. Yeah I don't think its that unusal for a 3 yr old to still be in diapers. My daughter was 33 months when she ended up being potty trained. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, it definately didn't hurt my child in any way. All children are different, and I think they are more comforable doing it when there isn't alot of pressure. IT's not like they'll never be potty trained, it will happen sooner or later.





 

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Quoting Rebecca:

Well I think when mothers say that they could mean, as I do, that the child and themself were not ready. That a happy medium could not be achieved.
Say what you will and do as you like, that's everyone's right to do so, but every child and mother have their own dynamic and timing.
For example, there might be one kid still in diapers at 3 because the mother is lazy and there might be one in diapers because he/she is not ready. With some kids, no matter what the mother does or doesn't do, the kid will still do it in their own time.

A whole lot of factors come into play when its time to transition a kid, a lot of them environmental.

I personally rather wean my kids off of and on to things than make a sudden change, because none of them deal well with sudden change. I do not need my daughter throwing tantrums all day and night long because she can't have something she thinks she needs. Some kids are more compliant and unless you have a highly strung child you are not going to understand how freakin' miserable it can make everyone's life! I'm not scared of my kids hating me..

Of course mother's have to initiate change, but by saying 'when they are ready' means the mother tried and met with a lot of resistance!



 



In my opinion a 2-3 yr can deal with sudden change, especially such a minor thing like a pacifer. For example my daughter at 2 1/2 had her pacifer taken from her cold turkey. I had to do it that way b/c i actually tried weening her at 2 yrs old to just have it at bed time. But eventually that pacifer made its way back to everyday and all night.  My daughter knew what she was doing, she new how to bring it back into everyday, they are very smart.  So I knew that cold turkey was the only way to kick the habit and it was. It took 3-4 days and nights of crying, tearing apart her room. But she got over it eventually and we were back to normal. Let me tell you it wasn't fun as she is a VERY strongwilled child, but I knew she could deal with this. 





 

[deleted account]

Well I think when mothers say that they could mean, as I do, that the child and themself were not ready. That a happy medium could not be achieved.
Say what you will and do as you like, that's everyone's right to do so, but every child and mother have their own dynamic and timing.
For example, there might be one kid still in diapers at 3 because the mother is lazy and there might be one in diapers because he/she is not ready. With some kids, no matter what the mother does or doesn't do, the kid will still do it in their own time.

A whole lot of factors come into play when its time to transition a kid, a lot of them environmental.

I personally rather wean my kids off of and on to things than make a sudden change, because none of them deal well with sudden change. I do not need my daughter throwing tantrums all day and night long because she can't have something she thinks she needs. Some kids are more compliant and unless you have a highly strung child you are not going to understand how freakin' miserable it can make everyone's life! I'm not scared of my kids hating me..

Of course mother's have to initiate change, but by saying 'when they are ready' means the mother tried and met with a lot of resistance!

Jamie - posted on 04/09/2009

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I do think its absurd for a 3 yr old to have a bottle or not use the restroom. I was simply stating if we allow our children to do things and wait til they are ready they may never get there. If I let my step son, decide what he wants to eat he will say junk food,(my other 2 dont because we dont have that kinda stuff in the house) I mistakenly asked my SS what he wanted for breakfast one morning and he said plain as day, cookies and milk. Now I give him choices cereal, oatmeal or ill make eggs. I was pointing out kids arent always going to make the right decision. If you ask a 2 yr old if she wants to throw her pacifier away shes gong to tell you no, and your jsut going to let her keep it?  Now I do have one bad habit, lol, when we take my daughter who potty trained out to places with only porta potties I do allow her to put on a pull up long enough to pee in it then we take it off. I think porta potties are nasty, so does she and Id rather her pee in a pull up then hold it because its unhealthy. (im bad ill hold it forever). But very rarely will I even do that. I think there is a point when things should be done and over with, bottles, pacis and diapers. and i think some mothers are to scared to go aheadh and take it away, stop being scared, your not going to harm your child, they are not going to hate you, they might be mad for a bit but they will get over it.

Emily - posted on 04/09/2009

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Quoting Krystle:

To make myself a little more clear, I'm talking about the extremes... like a 3 yr old wearing diapers, not potty trained, and a two year old still drinking a bottle. Or an 18 month old never having solids. I haven't had a chance to read everyone's comments by the way. I don't appreciate being "corrected," this is my personal opinion.

I do agree that there are different parenting styles and every baby is different and they'll have their different time lines, but I think that there is something wrong with the scenarios that I mentioned above. I think that there's a thin line between knowing when your child is ready by his or her signs and letting the kid walk right over you. When does the parent recognize this? At her last options?


Ok. This makes it a bit clearer. My children were out of diapers by 16 and 18 months but a three year old in diapers is actually not that unusual. The "average" age for boys to be out of diapers is something like 37 months now and that is just average. This one is also difficult to gauge because there are a lot of physical things that might indicate a child is not ready for pottying like thicker bladder walls, not quite developed neurological pathways... Also, parents who never allow the child to observe them using the bathroom, keep a child in super absorbant diapers that can handle cups upon cups of liquid like the commercials brag about and don't explain the reasons fo changing them frequently to the child, don't introduce the potty, but then expect the child to magically start using the toilet because they've reached some arbitrary age.  As for the bottle I think that it is kind of sad that doctors recomend bottlefed babies be off the bottle at one year but breast fed babies continue for as long as both parties are comfortable. I understand that it is extrememly important because the bottle does damage teeth, but some twelve month olds still have that intense need to suck. Hopefully, by two the parents have gently replaced that sucking comfort with parental comfort. So, I agree if there is a health consequence it is important for the parents to take charge. I have never met an eighteen month old without other sensory or digestive issues that has never had solids though I do have several friends who waited until 12 months to introduce anythign but breastmilk. There's nothing wrong withthat but I think it is fun to give solids at 6 or 7 months old.

Krystle - posted on 04/09/2009

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Quoting Krystle:

lmao!!! sorry!!! im very lovable i swear! i get so hype when "im in my feelings!" so my husband says... lol im sorry!


i am a very blunt and out there person too.  but i do respect everyones opinions and i just hope all cn do the same.


 

Krystle - posted on 04/09/2009

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lmao!!! sorry!!! im very lovable i swear! i get so hype when "im in my feelings!" so my husband says... lol im sorry!

Krystle - posted on 04/09/2009

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And by the way... I never mentioned forcing a child to do anything... so if you got that in between what I was saying... that's not what I was saying. But I do think in certain situations, that may have to occur. (i.e. never giving the pacifier back)

Krystle - posted on 04/09/2009

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To make myself a little more clear, I'm talking about the extremes... like a 3 yr old wearing diapers, not potty trained, and a two year old still drinking a bottle. Or an 18 month old never having solids. I haven't had a chance to read everyone's comments by the way. I don't appreciate being "corrected," this is my personal opinion.

I do agree that there are different parenting styles and every baby is different and they'll have their different time lines, but I think that there is something wrong with the scenarios that I mentioned above. I think that there's a thin line between knowing when your child is ready by his or her signs and letting the kid walk right over you. When does the parent recognize this? At her last options?

Erica - posted on 04/09/2009

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Its not letting your child win by guiding you, you are guiding the child and yes i agree that sometimes society has kids grow up way to fast but things like starting a sippy cup i do this areound 6 months but they actually don't get it until closer to 8 months, we don't forse our kids in doing things like eating solids and all those other things, we have guilde lines to follow to see if the child is ready and you'll know when they are not. Every child is different and i do follow things that are in books i for sure change it up according to what my childs needs are and let me tell you when my kids are like 18 months and over i do a little more forcing like saying no you need to eat or you will get nothing til dinner and there will be no snack either but thats a toddler not an infant, i learned that when they are babys that they can call the shots a little and i go with them not the other way around but when they are older they have to learn bounderys and they have to understand rules that are given, in my house what i say goes (being reasonable of course)

Amie - posted on 04/09/2009

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Quoting Jamie:



Totally agree, and think Ive tried to make this point and Im a bitch because I take things away from my child. They are little they dont knwo whats best for them. If they did my step son would eat nothing but candy he wouldnt eat any veggie or meat. SO am i wrong for making him dinner, no because it is whats best for him.  And i do the same with my kids I do whats best for them, not wait until they are ready.





This example I think is different from the OP had in mind but regardless good eating habits should be established from the time they start eating. Though Jamie, from reading other posts where you've been around too =), I understand how hard that is when your the step parent and the child is not with you all the time. My own kids though however have good eating habits not because it was forced on them, or because I waited to until they were ready. They've known from the beginning what good foods are and still do. My kids eat all their food and we rarely make dessertish foods. Most times my kids get fruit for dessert and their happy with that. I think I get what your saying but your example, I think, is one of those life lessons they should grow up with, not something to be wait and taught later in life.

[deleted account]

I agree with you in a way. A parent has to lead the way for their child and set the tone, but my son is 3 and a half and is still not completely potty trained and I do think part of that was my fault b/c I started him too soon in the hope that he would be trained by the time my daughter was born. She's almost 9 months old and the training is still not quite done. I do agree though that too many parents just wait around on their kids to decide when to do something. I'm sorry but I thought my child had a parent for a reason and that was to help them adjust into a mature, functioning adult and they will not learn that on their own.

Barbara - posted on 04/09/2009

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Quoting Jamie:



Totally agree, and think Ive tried to make this point and Im a bitch because I take things away from my child. They are little they dont knwo whats best for them. If they did my step son would eat nothing but candy he wouldnt eat any veggie or meat. SO am i wrong for making him dinner, no because it is whats best for him.  And i do the same with my kids I do whats best for them, not wait until they are ready.





Waiting until your child is ready to do something is not the same as letting them eat candy for dinner every night.  For example, we all eat together as a family, and my son gets essentially what we are eating as long as there is nothing in it that he shouldn't have at his age.  We just stick it on his plate and give him a fork and spoon, and leave it up to him.  Sometimes it takes a few tries for him to decide that he will eat a certain menu item, but when he does he is accepting it as something he will eat rather than having it jammed down his throat because it's "good for him."  Sure, if you force them to eat something they might end up eating it, but what do they learn from that? 



I think we all have the same goals in mind, we just use different approaches in order to reach them.   Chid guided parenting may not be for you, but believe it or not it does work for some families.

[deleted account]

Quoting Jamie:



Totally agree, and think Ive tried to make this point and Im a bitch because I take things away from my child. They are little they dont knwo whats best for them. If they did my step son would eat nothing but candy he wouldnt eat any veggie or meat. SO am i wrong for making him dinner, no because it is whats best for him.  And i do the same with my kids I do whats best for them, not wait until they are ready.



 



Oh I agree on the food things too. If my daughter doesn't eat her dinner, I leave it on the table and everytime she asks for a snack, "I say no, if your hungry to eat your dinner". I will offer to warm it up, but I don't play that game. What I make is what I make, and it's not like I don't make kid friendly food.





 

[deleted account]

I have two kids an almost 3yr old and a 17 month old.  I guess looking back I did a little of both in teaching my kids things or getting them off this or that. My first daughter was formula fed so, I made the descision to take the bottle away at one, but she had already been using a sippy since 9 months, so I had no problem at all. My second a son was breastfed and I also weened him at one, he went right to a sippy, to me there was no need for a bottle, he was a lot harder to ween, but I worked with him and weened him very slowly and he figured it all out.  Now my daughter just gave up her passie at 2 1/2, I technically waited to long to take it so that was my fault. I know at 2 1/2 there was no need for it, and I knew this was nothing she would just hand over, so I threw them all away. My son still has his and I am ok with that, this summer I will take his away from him, but if he wants to comfort himself with it now at 17 months, I have to problem with that, and in the big picture I don't think it will hurt him.  I never really pushed my kids to use silverware either, I mean I would give it to them at dinner time, but never pushed it and my daughter used them right away at 10 months, and my son probably around 14 months.  I don't feel like you child would grow up not knowing how to use silverware, just b/c you didn't make them do it. Now for potty training I totally believe that a child will do that when he or she is ready. We bought a toliet for my daughter when she was 1 1/2 to introduce it to her, and we would ask her she wanted to sit on it and show her how it was done. But she had no interest at all, and I don't think you can make them go potty, and why would you want to? So I just let her come around to wanting to do it, b/c I knew she knew what to do, no questions about it. But for one I have a very independent child who likes to do everything on her own. So one day (actually this was just 2 months ago) she just decided she wanted to wear big girl panties, and she just started going on the potty, there was no looking back at that point. She hardly ever has an accident, and it's like she's been doing this for years. I think it is this way b/c I didn't demand or force her to sit on her potty, I just let her do it when she felt was right. Some children like my daughter just have to do it when they want to, and on their terms, b/c thats their personaility. I don't think thats bad to be potty trained before your 3 rd birthday, maybe some feel thats waiting to long, but I don't. Alot of times you just know when one of your kids is ready for something new, and other times I think they just have to come around to somethings as well. Its a give and take game.



 I think alot of first time mothers are just new to the game and have no past experience to go by other than what others tell them, and every mother until their children are out of the nest has new experiences with their children through the years of raising them. I just know when you have your second and so on, you can look back at what you did for your first, and so it becomes alot easier b/c you know what worked and what didn't . You choose your battles wisely.  Those are my thoughts :)

Jamie - posted on 04/09/2009

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Totally agree, and think Ive tried to make this point and Im a bitch because I take things away from my child. They are little they dont knwo whats best for them. If they did my step son would eat nothing but candy he wouldnt eat any veggie or meat. SO am i wrong for making him dinner, no because it is whats best for him.  And i do the same with my kids I do whats best for them, not wait until they are ready.

Liz - posted on 04/09/2009

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I no with my first child I knew she was ready to start on soilds because I could not fill her with just milk that was when she was 10 weeks old, as the experts say your child should be 6 months old before starting them on soilds. So in some aspects you could say you child will let you no when he/she is ready. As with dummies/pacifiers you have to put your foot down as theirs kids at school that still have them a long with bottles too. In my opinion thats too old, nither of my children have had a dummy/pacifier as I dont like them. With most things you have to start your kids off!

Liz - posted on 04/09/2009

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I no with my first child I knew she was ready to start on soilds because I could not fill her with just milk that was when she was 10 weeks old, as the experts say your child should be 6 months old before starting them on soilds. So in some aspects you could say you child will let you no when he/she is ready. As with dummies/pacifiers you have to put your foot down as theirs kids at school that still have them a long with bottles too. In my opinion thats too old, nither of my children have had a dummy/pacifier as I dont like them. With most things you have to start your kids off!

Amie - posted on 04/09/2009

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Then I don't think you've hear the whole story from mom's saying to wait for the child to be ready. I have 4 kids ( 8 1/2 yrs - 4 1/2 yrs - 22 months and 11 days old) I waited until they were ready for things on their own. Doing it before hand or forcing them will cause problems and their learning of the new activity will be hindered!
We tried forcing our son to learn to go potty because everyone else around us thought he should be. Ended up taking a lot longer than it should have (about 10 months) because he was so adamant he would not go. When we finally left him alone he started going on his own. He got up one morning and said he was done with his pull ups and has been in his gitchies since then.
Our oldest on the other hand we let her learn on her own when she was ready. It took about a week (with the night time training being the hardest of that week since she is a heavy sleeper).
Our lil girl is starting to show signs of being ready to potty train but we're not pushing it. She's showing an interest but the few times we've put her on it she doesn't go (she actually freaked out the first two times). So we'll leave her be and when she's comfortable with it then we will move forward.
As for suckies (dummies, soothers, etc.) my own kids there theirs away before they were a year old. They were just done with them. However I'm glad for this. I've seen 4 year olds with them stuck in their faces while out at the mall with their parents. Well they were either that old or just HUGE kids. Could be either one but still. If mine hadn't the suckies would have been gone between 18 months - 2 yrs stage. There are other comfort things my kids use though to fall asleep so that's probably why the tossed them themselves without any intervention from us.
As for the sippy cups you mentioned mine again was never an issue. They took to them quite well and didn't even use them that long. Our 22 month old now drinks from cups, the only time she uses a sippy cup is when we're in the mini van.
So to each their own but it can be done if parents are just more patient and wait for their kids to be ready too.

Emily - posted on 04/09/2009

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Because forcing an issue leads to a power struggle and that blows. You don't want to get into a pissing contest with a two year old! there are things one can do to make the child ready earlier. keep things familliar. Let your baby pee and poop on the potty without diaper training him and then expecting him to suddenly get the toilet concept at 2 or 3 years old.  Introduce a regular cup before the stubborness sets in. My kids could drink fom  a regular cup by 10 months I never did the sippy cup because it isn't healthy for teeth- they didn't have any problems giving up the sippy cup because they never had one. It just isn't necessary. I do beleive that child-led weaning is important though. Just because something is child-led doesn't mean it can't be parent involved. Space out nursing sessions, redirect, offer a fun activity. Children should be granted some degree of autonomy though. I  have a very sucessful child led weaning story and two sucessful child led potty learning stories.

Barbara - posted on 04/09/2009

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I guess it's all about your parenting style.  My son is one and he can feed himself with a fork, he drinks from a sippy cup, and he does all his pooping and some of his peeing in the potty, and I can safely say that we have never had to force him to do any of that.  We have always just given him the option of starting something new, and when he was ready he took that option.  We try to read his cues and respect him as a human being, not a piece of our personal property.  If you were to read a bit of the info out there on Attatchment Parenting or similair parenting styles, perhaps your questions could be answered a little bit more concisely.



As to weaning, I believe that people typically wean their children way before what their biological makeup indicates they should.  That may be why it's hard to wean a six month old or even a one year old, because their own instinct is telling them that they are not physically or emotionally ready to be weaned yet.  I self weaned after a discussion with my mom just before my fourth birthday, and both of my brothers self weaned around their second birthday.  Believe it or not all of these things will happen if you are patient and observant and just let them come in their own time.

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