Yes for parent sex but no for teenage sex...

Donovan - posted on 01/02/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hi there. I know this is a single mom site, but I am a single dad that need answers in the place of a missing mom. I have a 15 year old daughter and obviously there is certain things that I don't understand in a girls body, her emotions, and her hormones...so I basically don't know how she think about sex and what her needs is, and what I am allowed to let her do.

Basically it comes down to this. I don't want her to make the same mistake as me having a child when she is 17. So I say teenage sex is a NO NO, but the problem is that me myself have been in a relationship with a single mom for about 2 years now, and my teenage daughter found out that after about a year we started having sex.

So my daughter's argument is: How can my dad have sex outside of marriage, but not me?

Do you perhaps have any help or answers or ways of arguments. I would love to know what you think about this topic.

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Denikka - posted on 01/03/2013

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Unless you're coming from a religious standpoint, I would place less emphasis on the marriage part of it. A committed relationship doesn't have to include marriage.
I would focus on her age, and the consequences that can come from having sex at her age. I had sex for the first time when I was 15, so ultimately, it's going to be her decision. But you can prepare her for all of the consequences. Be honest. Go over what it would be like to have a baby at 16. Explain what could happen if she got a disease at this age. Explain that some cannot be cure and would be with her for the rest of her life. That's something she would have to tell any partner.
Explain to her the emotional ramifications. How she could feel bad for not waiting for a special person to come into her life and until she's absolutely ready.
Explain to her all about birth control (abstinence only programs do NOT work for most of the population).

Really, the only thing you can do is to explain and prepare her to make her own decisions. Give her as much information to make the best decision she can. And that may not be a decision you agree with.

The only other thing I have to say is that if you are preaching to never have sex outside of marriage, the best thing you can do is lead by example.


***BTW, this site isn't for *single* moms, it's for moms in general :) Single, married, in a relationship, etc. Doesn't matter :)

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Jacqueline - posted on 01/05/2013

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It sounds like maybe the concern here is preventing pregnancy at a young age? I agree with you to get them to wait as long as possible before having sex. Still it sounds to me, that she brought up the outside of marriage thing. For you it's an age thing. At least you have to agree what you are talking about.

It seems to me that she may not even be sexually active at all and this is an academic argument and your daughter is saying that there is a double standard of some sort. or she's jealous of the time you spend with your girlfriend, (and she probably doesn't really care if you are having sex with your girlfriend or not-she's just hedging her bets and guilt trips before she becomes sexually active).

In any case, some girls lose their virginity at 15 (raging hormones) and some 16 or 17 (can't hold out no more hormones). In any case, you need to make sure that she has access to birth control and a good awareness of STDs out there. You are also the best person to tell her that sometimes accidents happen and how hard it was for you to have a child at a young age.

Donovan - posted on 01/04/2013

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Sorry for stepping on the toes, lol. I didn't mean this is a single mom's site, I meant its probably a mom's only site, but I am a single dad that is looking for answers in the place of a missing mom. :-)

Thanx for the advice Cleaver. I have just one question. I guess if you say I must buy her condoms and show her how to put it on. Do you mean I can use internet photos etc, or do you mean I have to show her on myself?

Thanx so much Feah! The argument of me being financially stable and able to care for a child absolutely makes sense. My daughter is very comfortable around babies, I am just scared that after a day she would say: "See daddy, I can have one...." JAAAIKSSS, NOOO!!! not yet!

I also think its good if we get a mature lady that she can speak to. She and my girlfriend does get along, but there is sometimes that awkwardness, and blaming that my girlfriend isn't her mom. So I would certainly search for a appropriate adult lady friend.

Thanx once again, and please keep on giving advice, I learn a lot!

Feah - posted on 01/04/2013

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Well be honest for one. The sex outside of marriage is how you got her. More and more people are becoming sexually active before they get married. So tell her at 15 she is not ready for a child. Make sure you tell her the hard time you had raising her. only one who is old enough to care for a child should engage in sex. Until she is emotionally,physically, and financially ready you do not want her having sex.

So to answer the why can dad and not me? Because if I get my partner pregnant I am prepared to take responsibility and raise another child for 18+years. I have a job, a home. You do not.

Biggest thing though don't be a hypocrite, be honest. A good way to enforce the difficultly in raising a child is to borrow someones baby and have her spend the day with the child. Making sure someone is there in-case she gets overwhelmed but also that she is doing the care so she knows how much effort time and energy it takes.

And also to answer the questions she doesn't want to ask you things if you don't want to take her to a gyno. She is too young to need a check-up but they will educate and be there as someone to talk to for her. Just ask around.

Hope that helped! ^_^

Cleaver - posted on 01/04/2013

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1 this isnt for single parents i am married its for young moms lol
and 2 my mom taught me and i plan on teaching my kids about protection its beat theyll have sex anyway its beat to teach them to protect them selves buy your daughter condoms show her how its put on properly and explain how it works she might already know but theres nothing wrong in repetition

Donovan - posted on 01/04/2013

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Thanx so much for all the replies so far. You surely hit the center with saying its embarrassing for a father, but I guess I have to stand in that role and get over being embarrassed.

Its very interesting to me that all 3 of you basically say sex is probably going to happen, and I should make sure she has good access to protection, speaking about condoms etc.

What is a good way to go about with that kind of conversation?

Toni - posted on 01/03/2013

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First of all, well done for caring so much about your daughter. Having a teenage daughter can be difficult for anyone, more so for a single dad.

I would not put so much emphasis on marriage. Your daughter is going to have sex sooner or later and the only real thing you can do is teach her how to be safe.
This bit can be embarrassing for fathers, but it is something you will have to get over.
Speak to her about the pill and other forms of contraceptives. Also, make sure she has access to condoms if she needs them, and explain that while contraceptives help to not get pregnant, but they do not stop diseases.
Get reference materials, like books or internet pages that show different types of STI's so she knows what to look out for.
Lastly, always be supportive.

Good luck.

Amanda - posted on 01/03/2013

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I plan to teach my children that unless they are ready to care for children, emotionally and financially, that they should abstain from sexual intercourse. I plan on explaining to them that there are other ways to experience sexual pleasure without intercourse (and the dangers of oral sex.) I will map out for them what job they could get, what wage they would most likely make, how much they would spend on baby supplies, and how many hours they would have to work to match what they would need. I also plan to make sure that they always carry protection with them because I won't be able to make these choices for them, but I can at least make sure they have what they need to be careful.

I personally don't believe we can preach abstinence, especially if we don't expect adults to abstain. All we can do is educate them, give them easy access to protection, and hope they make the wisest choice. At least that's my plan.

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