Parenting problems...

Judy - posted on 02/17/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

5

16

1

I was just wondering if anyone else has a hard time with their spouse when it comes to parenting?
Being a Childcare professional you know a bit more than the average person on child development and behavior management techniques...my partner gets really defensive and angry when i try to offer insight or suggestions....and even more so when i just talk about our children and reflect upon their behavior. He is doing some things as a parent that i feel are really damaging to our daughters self esteem and self concepts, also the way he is choosing to "deal" with her is actually reinforcing the negative behaviour and when i try to point these things out he lashes out.

Does any one else deal with this or have any suggestions?!?!?!?

help
judy

7 Comments

View replies by

Christina - posted on 03/04/2009

17

29

3

Quoting Vanessa:



Ditto. Sharing parenting roles does take work and over time you may be able to reach some consensus with your husband. It does help to talk with a thrid party:- we tried counselling and a parenting class so that we could try to see things in the same way. We still disagree but at least for most of the time we have sorted out the main things we believe in and when we make a mistake we can support each other. Being able to talk calmly helps and picking good times to talk about things in a way thats not blaming: use "I" statements!






Gook luck.






Using "I" statements work wonderfully.  I acutally use it on my husband.  He is more open to suggestions that way.  I have the opposite problem you have. My husband asks me questions on EVERY subject that comes up.  I hope that everything works out for you.

Vanessa - posted on 03/04/2009

3

6

0

Ditto. Sharing parenting roles does take work and over time you may be able to reach some consensus with your husband. It does help to talk with a thrid party:- we tried counselling and a parenting class so that we could try to see things in the same way. We still disagree but at least for most of the time we have sorted out the main things we believe in and when we make a mistake we can support each other. Being able to talk calmly helps and picking good times to talk about things in a way thats not blaming: use "I" statements!



Gook luck.

[deleted account]

I understand what you are saying about your husband. When I try to tell my husband how to handle a situation with our son he will either know I am right or he will treat me like I am crazy and/or ignore my advice. The funny thing is my husband asks me all the time if our son is "normal" as is should he still be having tantrums. I think that they are just set in their ways and it will take more than us telling them somthing to change their mind. My husband and I are getting better about parenting the same and standing behind the other, but it has taken four years to get there. I just keep reminding him that I did go to school for this and I know what I am talking about. I can be just as stubborn as him.

Mellissa - posted on 02/28/2009

10

9

0

we but heads over our parenting skills and how this should and shouldnt be done, but have come to an unerstanding that ripping in to our kids doesnt work in any way,  i was given some reading materal when i did my homebased care course and this proved very helpfull for hubby as he could see that it wasnt just me say it ,it was writen by someone. some men feel thretened when there spouse nos better than them so showing them info on paper can help.

JACQUE - posted on 02/24/2009

13

8

4

How frustrating for you!  I really feel for you and understand how undervalued you must feel and how upsetting it is to know the effect this could have on your daughters.



There is no magic cure I can see because your husband is probably threatened by your knowledge to some extent as some men feel the need to be in control and in charge of all situations.  This doesn't make him a bad person - just a stubborn, unenlightened one!



Get him to read this page - what you and I have written.  Maybe it will show him how strongly you feel about the situation and then you can sit down and make a parenting plan you can both be happy with and stick to TOGETHER!



Maybe someone else out there has other ideas?



Good Luck!

Judy - posted on 02/23/2009

5

16

1

Thank you Jacaue,  It is nice to hear that others have had issues with this....sometimes i feel bad about it because my hubby is so very negatiive about the fact that I know things and he throws it in my face saying %50 percent of the parenting is his.   I try to tell him that that is not true %100 is his and %100 is mine and we need to do our best, I also tell him that many well meaning parents go to courses and classes, which i have the skills to teach to learn best practises in parenting, development and behaviour management....he still does not take well to this and continues to ignore my "expertise".



Its fustrating to watch him rip her appart and break her self esteem down over the most insignificant of infractions.   I really need guidance with this....how can i keep doing this when i see the negative outcomes.

JACQUE - posted on 02/18/2009

13

8

4

I understand how hard it can be to know a little more than the average person about children!  After 15 years in childcare I have experienced a lot and learnt the best ways to handle certain situations.  However, since I only had my first child 2 years ago some people assume I know nothing!  Fortunately for me this does not include my husband, and mostly means my mother-in-law!



I think the only way to deal with people like this is to quote your resume!  Even your husband may need reminding!  Tell him stories of other children whose parents have handle things as he does, quote statistics, studies done etc  Be calm and rational and explain how you want the children to be self confident and happy adults in the future and some of his ideas just don't promote that too well.  I know it can be difficult - I sometimes have to remind my hubby how our little guy is a sponge and Daddy can't act irresponsible or use bad words if he wants him to develop into a competent and worthwhile member of society!



It is really hard but you need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline etc so the children don't get mixed messages



Good luck!  I hope hubby can chill and realise you know what you are talking about!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms