Horrible thoughts

Rachel - posted on 05/18/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I dont know if any other mother feels like this but i have panic attacks and major anxiety because I'm so scared that one day someone will hurt my child in some way, i am so scared that now i'm even looking at myself differently and dont even trust myself which is ridiculous because i know in my heart i would never ever do anything to hurt my child.
These panic attacks and anxiety freak outs have now caused me to have OCD- whenever i feel happy or am thinking of something else, i suddenly remind myself that i'm not worry about my baby getting hurt and i then start freaking out..
Please tell me i'm not alone, Is there anybody that shares my feelings?

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Danielle - posted on 09/03/2011

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Hey Ladies! My son is 16 months old and I am still suffering from post partum OCD! I have a past history of anxiety but I developed depression and OCD after my son was born. My OCD thoughts are so horrible I am embarassed to share them with my psychiatrist and therapist! I take medication paxil and klonipin for the anxiety, depression and ocd thoughts. The thoughts go and come but when they come they make me so sick that I feel like I am going crazy. The thoughts I have are harmful and I am scared to discuss them in detail to my doctor and therapist b/c im afraid they will take away my baby. I do not want to hurt him and do not have any compulsions just horrible thoughts. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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Melissa - posted on 09/14/2012

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Geez right after I get off here I check Facebook and someone posted a pic of a young child with stitches under his eyes from being abused. Now I am all upset again. Crying. Very sad overwhelmed. Anxiety. Sadness. And I will not b able to get the age of that precious innocent child out of my head now. I will ruminate about it and get myself all emotional. The thing is if I could handle better 1. My emotions wouldn't be all over the place and 2 I could do something to help babies/children/animals who are being abused. But instead I do nothing but run away and cry and emotionally torment myself with thoughts and images instead of being proactive. So over OCD.

Melissa - posted on 09/14/2012

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I'm so glad I found this site tonight. I came to it because my five year old daughter is spending the night with her Uncle and Aunt tonight. Any night she is not with me I panic. Because I can not go physically check on her and make sure she is ok. When she was a baby I used to check on her like 20 times a night or so probably more to make sure she was ok and breathing. I would put my ear to her mouth and listen to her breath and feel it feel her stomach going up and down, go to walk out or her door and have to turn immiediatly back around and do it again. Sometimes more than twice. A few nights ago I stayed the night with a friend to have a girls night out. My daughter stayed w my mom. Mom called and said she was in her room watching tv and that she was gonna go to sleep. Mom didn't think I needed to talk to her but I was overcome with panic and anxiety and had to talk to her to make sure she was safe. The things I'm afraid that would happen I don't even want to type. It would be too anxiety provoking to actually have them in print. I really want help for this but don't know what to do. I tried Prozac and it made my body have weird twitches and made me feel weird. So I stopped takin it. Of course I was afraid the Prozac would harm me in some way and the psychiatrist knew that I would be anxious about taking it. Researched it on the Internet and it really has harmed some people neurologically. So maybe I'm not all wrong about that. My obsessions involve children babies and animals being hurt or abused and I've heard of exposure therapy but I really don't think I could stand being exposed to these things. I gotta try something. It really gets exhausting.

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I have had some awful dreams, one of them my baby is lying on the concrete and I am standing not far from her, suddenly water starts to rise up and cover her and I can't get to her, last night was the worst though and I am still very distressed about it, I dreamed that I stabbed my own baby in the throat and the eye, I don't know why, I think somebody was telling me I had no other choice and I had to do it, after I did it I started to panic and woke up crying. I would never do this to my bub but I feel so awful for even thinking it, I have also had fears of dropping her or someone else hurting her. It makes me feel better to see that other mums have had the same nightmares and bad thought but god it is scary. I don't understand why my mind would conceive such awful thoughts. I love my daughter more than anything on this Earth.

Hillary - posted on 08/30/2012

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I know this is an old post but wow, I am going through those exact feelings right now, im a first time mom and my daughter just turned 4 months old. I was diagnosed with ocd 7 years ago. I am always scared shes going to be kidnaped or hurt etc. News stories really get me, anything that happens to a child on the news i will be scared it'll happen to my daughter. What really sucks and is crazy is that i have these fears mostly at night and i want to put her in my bed so i can keep her safe, but im too scared im going to roll over on her or her dad will or the covers will fall over her face or something. Since this is an old post, if you read this comment, how are you now? Do you still have those same fears and anxiety?

Shannon - posted on 09/06/2011

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i so understand, i have anxity and paic disorde, itshard. i hate it when i wake up wi them. ithink i always had it even as a kid, but then they didnot think kids got it. it got worse after a broke my hip when the twins were to. after 4 surgerys that did not work and learning i could never work again wich was bad couse my husband is disabled , living on a limited inom then loosing our home and everything we owed. i find now i am starting to not want to go out and if i do i can onlyfor an hour. its a horrible feeling. i do take colinzipin and that workd great. i was on zanax but i think its to dangoris. what helps is being positive and putting positive energy in the univers. you have to retrain your thought. let yourself behappy. go out with friends connect with other who do understand. . people that dont know cant understand. but just know you are not alone

Lynn - posted on 09/05/2011

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Hi Danielle, Your story sounds similar to mine. I have always had some anxiety (quite a lot actually) but I could almost always function relatively normally. That is until dd was born (4 years ago) I had awful thoughts that I found too difficult to share. Finding other people that had the same made me feel not so bad. Mostly I have read that it isn't the thoughts it's how we react to them that is worse for us. We think something awful and them panic so badly as we beleive we may actually succumbe to that thought. The reality though is that if we did actually want to do it, it wouldn't cause us so much distress. Learning how to allow the thoughts and not react to them is something I am trying to lern. It isn't straight forward but it does help. Like anything though there are good days and bad days. Try and read lots of info, if anything it's reassuring to know your not alone. PM me if you need to chat. I know what a nihghtmare this all is but I know that one day I will get what I need to live the life I want. :) xx

Shannon - posted on 03/15/2011

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angxity and panick is awful. i got it after i broke my hip. it makes you feel like you are out of control your jumpy your scared you get theses thougtsof thigs happenin. i take colonzipin . it really helps, i also wake up and i just take care of today when you have panick you worry about things next month then you become parilized and get nothing done then you worry more about what you did not do. if you just take each day dont worrie about tommrow or what happend yesterday things start to fall into place. also positve energy get rid of the negitive, you know what you put out there is what you get back well if you keep putting negitive thought out into the univers that what you will get.
rember you can not control situations or people but you can control how you handel it

Shannon - posted on 03/15/2011

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we allget so overwhelmed my son noah has bipolor ocd and is 10 so is at the age were he tests me. he swares and throw things. there are many times i wanna just smack him, but i have been learning. you can not control anyone even your kids only yourself. i am starting to not ingage with him. why get myself worked up. plus when hes like that you can not talk. every mother feels that at sometime. are you on angxity meds. that helps. sometimes giving yourself a time out. or just let him go to his room and scream. its hard wwhen he has ocd, couse he keeps comming out. you need to to step back and sort of rethink things. we are so use to negitve feelingstart putting positve energy in your life its amazing when you start to be positve your family tends to go along.

Lynn - posted on 03/05/2011

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Hello folks, I had a terrible experience yesterday where I felt like I might harm my children. I began to panic so much that I had to phone my partner to come home from work. I have always had panic attacks and a mild form of OCD I am also agoraphobic - woohoo!!
I went looking to see who else had experienced this and came accross this site. So hello to you all and I am so glad you all were brave enough to tell your own stories so that people like me don't feel so freaked out.
I have been listening to Dr Claire Weekes and she talks about moms having these thoughts. She reiterates that it is almost normal yet we feel so awful for having them it is how we react to the thoughts that actually causes the problem. I have also been reading Dr Alber Ellis's book - A guide to rational living which basically states being logical and challenging irrational thoughts with rational ones - all seems a bit to simple - maybe it is. Anyway thanks for being here and hopefully I'll get the chance to chat with some of you soon. Take care, Lynn xx

Shannon - posted on 02/13/2011

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i am 41 and i have angzity disordor and panick attacks, it started after i broke my hip at 30 when my twins were 2 i also have a 22 year old and a 18 year old. it is scary, but the last 8 years of my life have been very hard we lost our frist home then we had a fire and lost everything we litteral had to start all over we lived in a hotel for a month then we moved to a new town and we moved in without even pillows i found that part of my angzity was i never had faith in my self i was just living life depending on other to help i was the worker my husband is disabled so we live on a fixed incom i still have to take meds but in the last 2 years life has been a mazing i relized staying in the hotel that i had to at least put one foot onthe ground andeach day i got up and did what i needed to do and 2 years later we are in a place i nver thought we would be youhave to have faith and believe in yourself and trust that it will get better

Kimberly - posted on 01/11/2011

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i understand, when im having a panic attack im afraid ill lose sense of reality and do something, which i know is not true but i think all moms with panic are scared of this because we are scared of what?? losing control

Tobie - posted on 10/25/2010

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Oh so sorry to hear this..I have anxiety also! Sucks so bad :( I do not have thoughts like this but my friend has had problems like this..She knows she would never do anything but still hard to have those thoughts! Have u seen anyone about this? Breath..it will be ok :) Where do you live?

Jennifer - posted on 10/25/2010

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you are not alone. i started worrying like that when my son was 4 months and now he is 17 mo and i still worry at times.

Tobie - posted on 08/31/2010

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I too worry about my 4 children. I would just die if anything ever happened to any of them! I think it is "somewhat" normal :) We just Love our babies :)

Brittney - posted on 06/26/2010

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I have horrible dreams (less now then when she was new born) about my daughter getting hurt. I also have fears about me hurting her even tho I know I wouldn't. It might just be normal mom stuff to have these thoughts. It's the way you react to the thoughts that might not be so healthy.

Katie - posted on 06/14/2010

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you are not alone there are many woman who suffer from these fears... its best for you to talk them out with some one you trust. being a mom is a tough job and can cause you to stress way more than needed...
just remember to breathe and try not to let this get in the way of your happiness because you deserve to be happy

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