A Mom's Coming Out Day

Jennetjackson - posted on 04/19/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )

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I just "came out" as the mother of a gay son on my Facebook page....came across this blog and judt wanted to share...

Where do I begin? How ‘bout here…our son, Trevor, is gay. As I type this I can hear so many reactions:

“Wow, I had no idea.”

“I knew it!”

“I was wondering…”

I know many of you are wondering what our reaction was when we found out. Well, it’s been some time now since Trevor told us he was gay. He was actually in his first year of high school when he FULLY came out to me and my husband. Before then, it was something he had been “struggling” with since about 6th grade. His father had decided back then that we were going to just continue loving him unconditionally, meanwhile, I had decided to try and “pray it away”. I went through a long grieving period. It was very hard for me to accept the truth…that my son was attracted to guys…and that he would never have the experience of a “traditional” family life. What was even harder for me to deal with was the treatment he might receive from those unkind, hateful people who hurt kids like Trevor….the isolation he might experience…the pain he would endure. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. From the time he cried to us in 6th grade wondering “why God would make him this way” to his 9th grade year in high school, I prayed profusely. Through those years, my prayers went from “change him Lord” to “change ME Lord” to “Lord, let Thy Will be done”.  This is what happened…

After coming out, my son began to grow stronger and love himself more than ever…because of his creativity and charming personality, he grew increasingly popular at his school with tons of friends and teachers who supported him…his spirit was lifted and he looked free…my heart began to change…I began to see how fearfully and wonderfully God had made this child…and I realized that I was being one of those “unkind, hateful people”, making him feel “isolated”, causing him to “endure” unnecessary “pain”… God began to strengthen me and show me how to love Trevor…ALL of me loving ALL of him…

One day, Trevor said to me, “Mom, I’m going to be ok. I know God made me this way for a reason. He doesn’t make mistakes.” At that moment, I could feel my spirit let go…let go of the fear…let go of the heartache…let go of the confusion.  I realized Trevor was going to be just fine and that God was going to see to it! I was reminded by the Lord that we were in partnership in raising our children. He did not leave or forsake us…He had been there all along. And as He was holding Trevor’s hand, He was holding mine too…draggin’ me along! J 

Why have I decided to share this on Facebook? For me, this is MY coming out. This is introducing my beautiful son to the world and letting you know how proud I am to be his mother. I also decided to share this with you because I know I’m not the only parent who has been on this journey and I know there are parents who will one day begin this journey. I also know there are some young people out there struggling with this and crying out for support. I’m here to tell you that there is NOTHING wrong with you and that it does get better! The biggest regret I have in all of this is not supporting Trevor sooner. Worrying about what others would think and in the meantime negating my son’s feelings.  Fortunately, God had his back!

I don’t have to tell you what a fine young man Trevor has grown into. I’m certain you’ve seen one of my many, many posts “bragging” on him! He does not cease to amaze us. He is loved by so many and for that I am so grateful to God.

This is a picture of Trevor and his boyfriend who he took to his senior prom. I remember a conversation Trevor and I had a while ago. He was a bit down in spirit and he said, “I just want to have somebody to love.” I thought, how hard it must be for a boy his age who is gay and to want to love someone truthfully. Most kids his age are still “in the closet” for fear of how their family and society will react. We are thankful for his boyfriend, whose journey was not an easy one either. However, he now has the full support of his family and it is beautiful. It saddens me when I think about those kids who feel as though they have no one to talk to and it pierces my soul whenever I hear about another young person who has taken their life because they can’t see past the pain. I use to think like many of you, that sexual orientation was a choice…until God gave me Trevor. He never asked for this. Much like I never asked to be attracted to men. It just is. That realization didn’t come naturally for me, it came when Trevor said to me in a heated discussion, “Mom, do you actually think I would CHOOSE to be this way and go through all of this pain? The stigma from society? Jeopardizing my safety? Arguing with you? It would be so much easier for me just to be straight.”

I want to end this by addressing questions I know you may have...again, I believe the spirit is guiding me to share because someone out there may need this…

Did you have a feeling or sense that Trevor might be gay when he was younger? Yes, his dad and I both had a feeling it might be possible. I remember saying to God when Trevor was about 5 or 6, “Lord I wouldn’t be able to handle that”…God quickly answered me with, “I wouldn’t give you more than you could handle”.

Did you try counseling or the church? When I had made the decision to finally make an appointment to speak to our Bishop about this, I had found out on the news that our Bishop had just come out of the closet…needless to say, that left us more confused! But it was such a blessing, because what it did for Trevor was let him know that this man of God who our family greatly respected and learned sooooo much from was also gay. I don’t want to go too deep into this because there’s so many dynamics…but what the enemy intended for evil, God intended for good.

I read something from a blogger who addressed a mother who wanted someone to talk her son about choosing to be heterosexual instead of homosexual. She felt as though he was choosing to be homosexual to get back at her for having such a busy schedule and not spending enough time with him. The bloggers advice was priceless…

“You could teach your son an important lesson by changing your own sexuality to show him how easy it is. Try it for the next year or so: Stop being a heterosexual to demonstrate to your son that a person’s sexuality is a matter of choice — to be dictated by one’s parents, the parents’ church and social pressure…I assume that my suggestion will evoke a reaction that your sexuality is at the core of who you are. The same is true for your son.”

We now attend a church that is accepting of ALL and the teaching a phenomenal! We are so blessed to have found a place where we can worship together as a family without the worry of someone in the pulpit saying something that would make our son feel less than human.

How did Derick, his father, handle this? With so much grace!  I almost want to cry as I type this. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for him to have to come to terms with this. Derick is a man’s man…Mr. Que Dog/Omega Man…GRRRR…lol…how could he have a gay son? You’re gonna have to ask God that! J All I know is that I have witnessed unconditional love from this man and Trevor is blessed to have a father like Derick Jackson.

How was it when you shared Trevor’s orientation with his siblings? Beautiful!! They were both so accepting and loving and just so incredible. They have always been Trevor’s #1 fans…even though they may not admit it to him! J

How was it when Trevor first talked to you about a boy? Hard. But to know he was happy always gave us some sort of relief. We are still in the process of making this a normalcy in our lives, but we have come so far, and we are getting closer to that place of normalcy day by day.

Why didn’t you share this with friends and family before now? We simply made the decision to share it with those who Trevor felt comfortable with knowing right now. We agreed as a family that once he got ready to graduate from high school we would share it with others. For me and Derick it was about protecting him while he was young and also keeping the focus on school and his character. Honestly, my desire to share this with the world has grown from “not wanting anyone to know” to “wanting the world to know”…not that he is gay…but that he is a bright, creative, innovative, charming, loyal young man…who happens to be gay.

For some of you, I may be the first person you know who has raised a gay child. If through this letter, I can change one person’s view, or provide support and encouragement to a parent, or help a child know things will get better, or cause someone to be slower to judge and quicker to love…then I’m happy. Please feel free to share, tag, and post comments. I will tell you that any negative or derogatory comments will be deleted. Questions are also welcomed. I rather you ask me, then wonder or hold on to what you may have been brought up to believe. My paradigm and beliefs surely took a transformation. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride with my Savior! I praise Him for His Grace, His Mercy, His Favor, His Truth, His Love….His Love is amazing!!! And I thank him for the people who have supported us, those who knew and continued to love unconditionally, without judgment or condemnation. I can’t begin to tell you how much I needed you…how much you strengthened me.

You can probably tell from some of my posts that I am a very transparent person. I believe we go through things in life in order to grow and to help others grow by sharing our experiences. I share the events in my life with those that I feel can benefit. I think we all can benefit from living our truth. Don’t you?

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