Advice Please - Gay son won't follow rules

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

I am posting in this forum as I believe my situation is in part due to my sons gay lifestyle. He says that the desirable guys all party hard, are immature and very promiscuous. I don't really believe it - but don't really know either. Here is my problem....

My son will be 18 in October. I would like any ideas or opinions on how I should handle my situation.

My son was a brilliant, straight A, high achieving AP student. He was reasonably mature and respectable for his age.

When he was 16, he decided to come out. While my husband and I were a little shocked (not that much, we kind of suspected it), it was and still is, not an issue for us.

But, what did happen, is my son changed. He started smoking, drinking and staying out all night. He started lying and skipping school. By the time he was 17, he quit school. He basically has a grade 11 education. He took on as many jobs as he could, but never had money and is constantly borrowing from me. Bad, I know, but he does pay it back.

He had a 22 year old boyfriend for 7 months, and was drinking heavily and smoking pot - he admits this got out of control.

Now, he has a 26yo boyfriend who had given him 2 STD's in one month. He admits to not always having safe sex. And doing some things that he is too ashamed to tell me about.

We feel that he needs to venture out and get a good dose of the real adult world,but we know he is so inadequately prepared.

We have given him the option of staying at home until he finishes his online courses, as long as he was working diligently on them and being courteous about staying out and keeping the house in reasonable shape. Unfortunately, that has been too much to ask.

We had always had a strong relationship, and in many ways still do. We can usually still talk to each other, but it often results in arguments - me trying to push my point and him not wanting to accept it.

I have suggested counselling many times, for him or all of us together, but he won't go.

I am at my wits end and questioning my own sanity in all this.

I want him to stay but I want him to go.

Opinions, ideas, criticism please.

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[deleted account]

Sarah-unfortunately there is not enough space or time to tell the whole story. We are the tough-love parents who made their kids buy their own cellphones and cars. I would provide the basics, but if my kids wanted designer they needed to work for it. We tried to impose "consequences", but where we live we must provide for our kids until they are 18. They, however, can do what ever they like unless they are caught breaking the law. When he tried to come home at 5am we had to let him in. Trust me, I've been through counsellors, the police and lawyers about this. Parents here have little legal control between the ages of 16 and 18.

What I might have done, is cared too much. He would come crying to me because kids were hating on him at school because he posted a picture on Facebook of him and his boyfriend kissing. I felt sorry and bad for him and probably let my guard down.

I was not implying that his behaviour was a gay thing - I know it's not - but was wondering if others had any similar change in behaviour when their sons came out. I can only imagine that coming out must carry a certain amount of stress, and being teens with teen brains already, does this compound problems.

As far as drug screening, I'm not positive, but I believe I could not have that done without his consent. I can't even get him in to the doctor if he doesn't want to go.

What I am trying to find out is - when he is 18 do I send him on his way - or is that going to make matters worse.

Thanks for replying.

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