Advice needed on how to deal when he is awlays travelling

Lisa - posted on 11/10/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I'm new to this site and am hoping I can get some advice. My significant other took a job about 4 months ago where he travels all week long. We are not married...yet... we live together. We are talking marriage so that is coming soon. He has two girls from his first marriage, ages 10 and 12. They are at our house Sunday until Wednesday morning and some Saturday's. He flys out early Monday monring and returns home either late Thursday or Friday afternoon. I have his girls here while he is gone as we didn't want to change the already established schedule, plus the ex would not switch at all. So I find myself raising his kids, doing all the chores around the house, and otherwise making sure the house is still standing. I'm frsutrated that he is never her, and mad that he took a job that causes this. I feel unappreciated and am not getting the help I need around the house. I don't want him to come home for a few days and spend it cleaning. He does most of the cooking when he is here and does clean up from time to time. But I miss him terribly when he's gone. We only have about 1 day together alone. I feel sad for his kids because I know they miss him too. We got into a huge fight last night (via the phone of course) about me not liking the job, him not being here, not feeling appreciated, etc. I need some advice on how to handle all these new responsibilites thrust onto me and how to not resent him and his job.

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Antoinette - posted on 11/13/2011

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Hi Lisa,
I am in a similar position, except that my husband is away 2 months at a time and home only for one and I have a 2 yr old and a newborn that is 3 weeks old. I have a 10 yr old from a previous marriage, and I get a lot of help from her wich I totally appreciate.
It can place a HUGE burden on a relationship but if there is'nt issues like cheating you will survive. We as mothers dont actually have a choice do we. Up until my last son was born, I demanded to do all the chores mysels as I felt guilty not working and thinking it is something I can do without. I had to get some help and now I am very gratefull that I did. Hubby doesnt need to do anything when he is home and I can spend the time with him that is neccesary to catch up on lost time.
If the salary is worth it, support your partner. I totally get that it is difficult trust me, and it takes a lot of biting back those negative feelings that just wants to come rushing out due to frustration. At the end of the day we as mothers are the glue that hold a family togethor and if we crack everything around us will crumble.
Get a good support system like a group of friends whom you can trust and blow off some steam every now and again. And remember to give yourself some time out as well. Take a hot bath with a glass of wine (if you drink) and just chill. You deserve it.
And also remember you are just human, feelings of frustration and sadness is totally normal.
Good luck....

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Laura - posted on 03/16/2012

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Hey Lisa- I have so been there! Please join me at www.plane-janes.com it is a small blog that I started for women in our shoes- looking for advice and people to talk to- hang in there mamma!

Kristine - posted on 11/29/2011

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My commenlaw hubby and I have been together 7 yrs last July and we have a 2 yr old together but no other children. He works as a diamond driller 3 provinces away, 20 hrs from home for 3 weeks on and 3 weeks home for the last 2 yrs but before that his schedule was 4-6 weeks gone and 12 days home. I am a stay at home maker for the last 5 yrs and understand you feelings of loneliness and unappreciation. Sometimes it seems like they take for granted how hard it is to keep not only a house but your and HIS life afloat while they are gone. You make all the appointments, take care of the dirty stuff, make arrangements for others ppls husbands to come help you out with what should be your hubbies job, plus preparing everything for their return. Only to have them come home and sleep for the first 2 days and leave their clothes on the floor. It can seems like the never ending task of buy it, prep it, serve it, clean it, put it away and throw it out all with no help or thank you. I get that. And I ave been the one to say " You don't get how hard I try. You don't see how hard I work" I have been the one to hang up Tim his ear and not answer when he calls back. I am not condemning you. But it is a hard reality when you come to realize how easy it is for us to stay home and get the hugs and kisses. How easy is it to choose what you are having for supper, yes you have to cook it but at least it isn't cafeteria mush. His muscles ache from the strain of the job and sleeping Ina bed that isn't his. His heart is heavy hearing the kids play in the background or from the joy in your voice as ou explain yet another milestone he missed. His brain I weary from running numbers through his budget to see how much he can put away for Christmas.
Neither one of you have it easy. Neither one of you know the right way to do this. Just keep your communication open, keep loving him, find something funny or happy to talk about everyday, send pics everyday if you can (even if it's just a pic of you in the car making a funny face) Let him vent to you but don't absorb any of it, it's not your problem and you can't fix it, but you can make him feel better and it makes him feel not so alone plus if he vents to you, he might not need to vent AT a boss :) you are an amazing lady to take on his children, that can't be easy but it is a thankless and lonely job. Find some happiness with his kids, something special that is just yours, something they don't share with their mother or father. You got it in you and you bivouacked love your family. Sometimes we as women as to sacrifice what we want (a husband at home) for what we need (an income to support our families). At the very least ou are just in the getting - to - know - you phase of the new job and you will find your stride soon. It took me abt a year to not cry the night and day before he left but I found it easier if you have something to look forward to, such as a sleep over with a girlfriend and a bottle of wine with new nail polish.

Amy - posted on 11/14/2011

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I will have to agree with Lisa, but there is one thing she didn't touch on and that is marriage part. this is one thing that you need to think about once you are married. the job and the kids will still be there along with the household responsibility. and I will say first hand be a step-mom is hard. My husband schedule can be 1 day to 30 day and longer if the job is not done. I have gone 6 weeks with out seeing him at times. just know he is doing this for your family, not to make you mad. Ask him how this is affecting him in the way of not seeing you and the kids daily. I have learned that it's all in how you are willing to make it work. you will not get a thank you every time you take care of thing but in the end you will.

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