I want to send my son to live with his father. I'm at the end of my tether

[deleted account] ( 2 moms have responded )

I need advice. I have a kid from a previous relationship. He is 11. Two years ago, I married my husband who is a wonderful man. We have a son together. My husband took responsibility for my son and we don't ask his father for a thing. His father is a "dead beat dad with benefits". That means he does nothing to support the child , but has all the rights awarded to him by our justice system. He basically has rights to see the child, yet he has no responsibility to pay for him. Its been an uphill battle with him. We broke up in 2006. He married someone else, and I moved on with my life. I never bothered him, phoned him...nothing. When he told me he found someone else i let him go. I expected that when i found someone he would do the same. It turned out to be a nightmare. He only became a pain in the ass when i was in a relationship. I was in 2 prior relationships before I married my husband. And both were short and ended. He was very happy and even texted me once that i will never find anyone and that all the men will leave me because no man would want to stay with me. He would see my son regularly, nothign had changed. when i met my now husband and we married, thats when the nonsense started. He basically brought up child abused charges against me. My husband is a foreigner and we were moving to his country in Europe. All hell broke loose. My sons father opened the child abuse cases. I was 9 months pregnant and almost thrown in jail. I was in and out of court. He asserted his right to protest my son leaving with us to live in Europe. And a whole court case came out of that. I had to fight criminal charges, and custodial issues. We paid over R100000 in legal fees, he paid nothing. Basically in order for us to take my son with us to Europe, we had to pay lots of money to get the court sorted out in the 4 month time frame we had. My sons father told us that his lawyer told him that since he had no money to pursue us through the family court that he should open a criminal case. If i was found a child abuser by the courts, the courts would not allow me and my husband to take the boy out of the country. I was astounded with his cold heart to actually do something like that to us like that. To raise false allegations that i am still trying to live down today. After the criminal charges were dropped against me, we had to proceed with the custodial case even though i was the custodial parent of the child. In South Africa, a dead beat father has just as much rights as a married father. It was a shock. I had a baby that i couldnt even concentrate on because i was in and out of courts, the stress and everyting was too much. but we both(me and my husband) felt it was worth it cos I could not leave my son behind. It was a painful thought. So in order to take him we had to sign up an agreement with his father on visitation and phone calls and we had to hand over every personal document to this man. Our marriage certificate, our I'd's, drivers licenses, telephone numbers, company where my husband worked, our home address. Everything. Everything that i would never give an ex of mine let alone him. It was very difficult. We received terrible treatment from the police and the courts. It was one sided. To this day i never got to tell my story. His word was all that was taken into consideration. 30 November 2011 the court granted that i can take my child out of South Africa. And so it was. His father call every monday, wednesday and friday. And the calls are always asking my son if he is alright...but said in a way like 'oh you can tell me if they are mistreating you" Whats sad is that my husband has never and will never mistreat my son, but i can see that all this is taking a toll on him and me. We cant just take a holiday it has to be around those three days when he would call. you have no idea how his calls are messing up our lives.
My son on the other hand was made to feel like a king by his father during that whole court business and has changed. he is devisive, a liar and a trouble maker. He has got an attitude of "touch me and you will see". Its in everything he does. I have been helpless to discipline him cos I feel my power has been stripped by me. I am actually afraid - afraid of my son, and how he can say things to ruin our lives and all we built and I am afraid of his father who demonstrated that he will do anything to have his way. he cares nothing for me. I feel stunted. My husband is a good kind man, he does not withhold anything from my son. He wants so desperately to be a father to him but my son makes it hard. He is failing school. Has lied and bunked school on several ocassions. He is rude to the teachers (he started doing that in south africa. reason why all this came about). He doesn't do homework. i have to tell him every morning to brush his teeth or else he wont. He wont comb his hair, or do homework, or shower unless he is told. Its too much for me. He wont listen....and he lies about everything, even unnecessarily.
and then on the other hand is his father...who calls and bothers our lives. he pays nothing towards the child...and told him that he cant take him this summer for holiday to South Africa because he has no money. And there we are me and my husband trying to show this child that only hard work will make him successful. Its unfortunate but this child is like his father. He is lazy, a liar and the only person he cares about is his father.
The way i was raised, we had to pass in school. Our parents provided for us adn gave us what we needed and all we had to do was go to school and pass. I have the same expectations for my son, but he is not interested. We have been in Europe almost 2 years, while my son speaks the language, he continues to fail school

Im now of the opinion that what he really wants is to be with his father. I am no longer convinced that I am whats best for my child. He is bringing a lot of problems into our marriage and household and im thinking it may be best for him to be with his father.

I look at this 11 year old and I wonder what went wrong. Whatever went wrong, it had to be me because he has always lived with me. I thought I was doing the best for him. Now i don't think so.

Any advice will be appreciated. Sorry for the long post.


Lynn - posted on 07/06/2013




I honestly think your son needs to see a councilor or therapist to help him figure out his feelings and actions. I am sure its a lot on him for his mom to get remarried and have a child. I know when i was a teenager, my mother got remarried and later had a son and i was insulted at first when i didnt understand everything. I felt as if she was trying to replace me and my father.

Being i was a teen when she got married to this other man, i didnt understand that her and my father did not get along. She was in love and married the person that was right for her. When i was 19 and she was pregnant, i thought great, she replaced my dad and now she is replacing me. And that was at 19 years old. So who knows what is going through an 11 year olds mind. He needs to talk to someone outside of the family.

Now that I am older, and am married myself with a child, I understand everything about her decisions. I understand now that she does not love her now eight year old son any less or more then she loves me. I understand that her and my father were not a good match. I understand now that although the guy she married and thought she loved turned out to me a dirt bag, he was never to replace my dad, but simply because her and my dad were done with each other.

maybe your son is not doing things, so that he feels like he is still your baby... or maybe he does it because he feels like thats the only thing he can chose to do or not to do... or maybe he is stubborn due to anger build up within himself. I would say take him to see a professional and not the type of professional that is just going to stick him on a medication.


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[deleted account]

my son's father and I were never together, we went our separate ways when he was 4 months old. In the beginning of 2006, he came back and said we must try to get togehter for the boy's sake. By June of that same year, he already met and impregnated someone else. We were not in a relationship. My son was 3 going on 4. so he does not know us to be together. I had other relationships before my husband and my son had no problem with them. And my husband is the best out of all them. He actually married me and gave them a home. I understand what you say about adjusting, but when it comes to this boy we try to overcompensate because of everything.

He did see a highly recommended child psychologist for 4 months in 2011. And she found nothing wrong with him. In fact she gave us advice about how to make him do the things he doesn't like to do i.e. homework, school,personal hygiene and all that.

She said that she did not find anything to be wrong with him except maybe the fact that we were moving out of the country. She just basically gave us advice on how to handle his problems not as to the cause of his problems.

So I really don't know. From our side we have done all we can. We always talking to him, finding out how he is. All our children are treated the same. We gave him the biggest bedroom in the house, because we trying to show him that he is special. We over do it for him because we have to constantly try to assure him. We tell him we love him...we encourage him, but none of it is working.

He is away on holiday at my husband's parents house. And I am actually enjoying it, because I am having a break from him. I know its not nice to say, but it's true.

I dont know what to do. I dont think his father would do a better job with him, but I am open to the fact that I may be wrong. I dont know anymore.

My older daughter who is 16 is well behaved. Im at a loss as to why this kid is like this

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