married vs not married

Lynn - posted on 04/14/2010 ( 389 moms have responded )

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I was just wondering how many people here think there is a big Diff of being married vs being not married. So many unmarried couples say that they are almost married, or are just like being married, but arent married yet. So I was just wondering what you ladies feel about being married vs not. Once you got married, what was the greatest change you found in your relationship or feelings?

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Gena - posted on 04/17/2010

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I totally disagree with the responses that say there was no difference in living together and being married. When you are married you have made a commitment not only to each other but to God as well. And no I am not a religious fanatic. I am a Christian now. And I did live with a man I thought I was gonna marry for 4 years...Biggest mistake of my life. When you are not married everything seems to be yours & mine, but when you are married it becomes "OURS". Just my opinion..

Katie - posted on 04/17/2010

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Well, there is proof that shows that married couples are more likely to stay together than unmarried couples (though I don't know by how much considering the divorce rate). I think you need to do what is best for your values/beliefs. I personally think that the need to marry is a social one, and is not always the right decision for you and your signifcant other. My husband and I are going on 8 years of marriage and honestly, I think it brings us closer together. There is a sense of pride in saying, "my husband" as opposed to "my boyfriend" AND I think people respect the boundaries of being a spouse as opposed to a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Rusti - posted on 12/29/2012

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Having lived with my husband on an emotional level, mostly I'd have to say no. To know I WAS THE ONE he wanted to marry and make it official, made me feel really special to him.
Also, it gave me rights I wouldn't have had. Such as: a friend of mines live in boyfriend for years accidently died on the Portland International Speedway in some motorcycle races. After his funeral, his family came by the house and took every single thing that belonged to him. Mostly, out of spite, as they didn't care for his choice of a girlfriends. May I say she was a very nice woman.They were deeply in love and planning on marrying. They were close friends of ours. My husbands family has never really embraced me, tho they said they have. We could see them doing that to me. These people took every single picture he was in and by law were allowed since it belonged to him. She had no money for a lawyer so she not only lost her love of her life, she lost the home both cars,(as it was all in his name , he had the job) and all the things they bought and shared together. Marriage offers some protection against families who carry grudges.These grudges can last for years. I'm not being materialistic, just pointing out that without marriage things someone should have and their partner wants them to have can be taken by spiteful families. Right then, my husband proposed. So it has it's advantages to having that "piece of paper". As far as it changing the love we had for eachother it didn't. It's been 30 years now and December 15 , 2012 we took a cruise and renewed our vows.

Alicia - posted on 04/19/2010

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Being married and having a ceremony to celebrate that bond whether religious or at the courthouse is completely different than living together & dating. My husband & I dated for 5 years before becoming engaged & we lived together for most of that time as well. We have now been married for 6 years and there most certainly IS a difference. It's a higher level of committment, respect, love & trust than just living together.

It bothers me when people call their significant others their "husband" or "wife" when they are merely living together and DATING and NOT married. It belittles the act of marriage for those of us that actually took the leap and pledged our lives together publicly.

Some might consider their relationship with a live-in partner "just like marriage." I'm sorry, but it's not. There's a tangible difference in the level of committment and there's a known difference according to the law & your rights as a spouse vs. girlfriend/boyfriend.

I am not saying that everyone should be married at all, that's not my point. I am saying that there IS a difference and people that are not married should not pretend to be or use the terms 'husband & wife". Those terms are reserved for those of us that are legally married.

Like I said, I have no problems with people living together & having a committed relationship (I myself did this); just don't label yourself "married" unless you legally are...

For example: you would not label yourself "expecting" if you were merely TRYING to get pregnant & hadn't succeeded yet. It's the same concept. Trying to get pregnant & all that leads up to it is VERY different than actually BEING pregnant, right??

Rebekah - posted on 04/17/2010

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I was with my boyfriend for 5 years before we got married, I was 18 when we got married. It was like everything was new, well it was new. We didn't live together until we got married. I agree with Gena, marriage is a big commitment and one that shouldn't be. entered into lightly. There is a big difference, when you're married you belong to each other, when you're not you could easily give up a good relationship and not work at it. there is a huge difference.

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Jasmine - posted on 11/30/2015

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I think it works differentley for everyone u have to have your own experiences to know at least that's how I feel. i'v been married once and that one lasted about 8months after our son was born in 2010 now I'm with my boyfriend of 5 years I also have four handsome boys 3 biologically and my boyfriends son that I rasid he was 2 months old now is 4 I'm all he knows as mom i think that also helps our strong bond but u just have to wait for the right person u don't need a paper to show your love and loyalty ext....it just takes patients and the right person honestly☺. and then if a paper is what brings even more joy then go for it and make sure it's what u both want as well.

User - posted on 05/18/2014

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married wives are called legal wives...with that we gained confidence and security...unlikely with unmarried couples they could cheat each other anytime without thinking too much of the consequences...

Bryophyte - posted on 02/16/2014

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This is cliche but a piece of paper does not change anything. I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have three children. I don't want to be pressured into being married by family or society by that matter. We are happier and have a stronger relationship than couples who are legally married. I think the problem Is that many women are enamoured With the idea of marriage and think that once the man is committed by signing then everything will magically change because he promised during the vows. If you think that by signing a commitment your marriage will survive then that is where your problem is. Marriage is not taken as seriously as before, now a days everyone quickly marries and is not surprising to find many people who are in their early 30's and in marriage #3. We still call each other husband and wife, and all our assets are under both our names. My children all carry his last name and he is listed on their birth certificate as the father. So no,for me there is no difference, marriage certificate won't strengthen your relationship, only you and your partner can do that

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2014

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Being married is a commitment that has helped me and my husband work through things and grow closer that the absence of this commitment would never allow us to do.

Marriage is also where you give up some of who you were before, some of your individuality and become part of something larger in a deeply committed way. Here's the trick, you can't create that strong loving family that can bring so much good in your life unless you give up your expectations of life solely on your term. It's like most good things in life - you have to give something up to grow and gain.

Interestingly enough, it also seems marriage may be helping me stay healthy in ways I can't even see now - although I might in a few years when I turn 50. Here's what I mean:

https://www.sunchlorellausa.com/blog/2-s...

So marriage may change us fundamentally when it comes to our chemistry and physiology as well as this article implies.

Taz - posted on 09/16/2013

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Being married has changed alot in our eyes ,we are that much more in love,intimacy is different much more passionate and feels like we have given our kids more security by us getting married. People look and treat us differently in a good way now that we are married. I feel like he respects me more as his wife then when we were just living together and being his "children's mother". ;]

Hillary - posted on 01/14/2013

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I honestly don't notice a HUGE difference, but there is a little bit of one-I lived with my (now) husband for 2 years before we got married. He legally adopted my oldest son and that was finalized 6 months after we wed. I think the main thing I realize now is that we are in this TOGETHER. There is no insecurity, there is no doubt. There wasn't really before, or at least not that I noticed until after we got married. He never came close to marrying before, and the fact that he changed his marriage views to marry me made me see how serious he was about not only myself but my son especially. So I guess I sleep a little easier at night now knowing that he will be there with us through hell or high water.

Deanna - posted on 01/11/2013

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I found nothing changed for me. I saw myself as married before I walked down the aisle. The wedding was actually for him.

Elizabeth - posted on 01/10/2013

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I don't notice much of a difference and I have lived with both my husbands before marrying them. My first just became meaner every year. My current husband and my relationship hasn't changed much.

Sheri - posted on 01/08/2013

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I think for me marriage can sometimes be a 'piece of paper' and sometimes its a bond of the heart. I have been down that road 3 times. Yep, 3. The first time was right out of high school. My highschool sweetheart and I were expecting our second child at age 19. A lawyer told me it would be easier for me to be a divorced mom than a single unwed mom when it came to court cases. I knew he was not going to grow up. I knew he would probably become an alcoholic, but married him anyways. Then left him 3 months later and divorced him 2 years later. Turns out it did make it easier to get child support. My second husband was someone that I enjoyed talking to and a good friend. But he was a diabetic that was in need of health insurance. I worked for a health insurance company. So we married and his health improved. We stayed married and lived as roomates for a few years. Then divorced and continued to live as roomates until I became seriously involved with my third husband. Him I married for love. Silly story...he is the ex-husband of my childhood friend of thirty years. But it turned out I didn't much like her as an adult. But him and I were meant to be together. We compliment each other perfectly and I always tell him that this is it. No more divorces for me. We have our ups and downs, but I have never felt so close to anyone. Everything is different in this marriage. My thoughts and feelings about him, myself, and the relationship are much different. I would never have been hurt losing the other two relationships, but losing my current husband would hurt me to the core of my soul. I think on some level people know that there is something in the relationship that would probably not work, so they avoid marriage. I just always went into my marriage with a grasp of reality and was honest with myself about what was going to come.

Lynn - posted on 01/07/2013

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Oh wow Jessica. That is so sad. I hope everything works out for your mom. My husband and I do not have insurance as of right now... and he is the main bread winner in our family. I dont know what i would do if he passed away suddenly. We look at our income as his money pays the bills and the rent.. and whatever i make each month is our play money so that we can go on dates and such. WIthout his income i would be up poop creek. Thats awesome you are trying to help your mom out and are not wanting her to just sink with the house!

Jessica - posted on 01/07/2013

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My mother and stepfather were together for about 25 years, but they kept putting off getting married. He wasn't in good health, and when he suddenly died she lost his income. Since they weren't married and had no children together, she wasn't entitled to survivor's benefits from SS. They bought a house together and were paying the mortgage, but without his income she couldn't make the payments alone. I moved in with her to help her make the payments, and it works for the moment, but I can't stay here forever. It would have been so much better if they had been married so she could get the financial support she lost when he died.

Laila - posted on 01/07/2013

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Thank you angela its really. Nice of you to take your time and explained this to me ....:-)

Angela - posted on 01/07/2013

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Laila, this thread was first posted by Lynn Herrmann, the administrator of this site on 4-14-10 (nearly 3 years ago) as you say. She didn't post it to get answers or suggestions for sorting out a problem she had at that time. She posted it as an ongoing discussion and is interested in getting feedback from everyone on what they feel is the difference between being married and not being married when you're one of a couple!

My own post, that came just before yours, was in response to a lady called Rusti Mccollum who just posted a few days ago - she told a story about a friend of hers who was treated shabbily by her partner's family upon his death because they weren't married - this incident prompted her own husband to propose and they married - 30 years ago.

While responding to Lynn's thread, many of us may have stories to tell - it makes for a lively and interesting thread.

Laila - posted on 01/07/2013

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People i dont understand she has posted this on 4-14-10 so why is every one still posting ...maybe she had already married and moved on....:-)

Angela - posted on 01/06/2013

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@Rusti Mccollum what a shocking story! I'm so sorry for your friend - sounds like they stripped the house bare - disgraceful!

Let me tell you a story of a friend of mine whose girlfriend died. They were together for over 10 years, living in the same house but not legally married. She had been married before she met him and separated from her husband for YEARS before she even met the guy she lived with. She just never got around to divorcing him - but hadn't even seen him for a great many years (over 20 years). Anyway, she died and a handsome insurance payout was due as she'd taken on life insurance years before and always faithfully paid the premiums. The estranged husband got the money! But within a month, he sent a cheque for the full sum to her boyfriend with a letter saying "I can't, in conscience take this money of Jane's - I hadn't seen her for years, I didn't attend her funeral. You were the one who was in her life for a long time - please take the money, it's what Jane would've wanted."

There ARE some decent people in this world Rusti!

Jessica - posted on 01/03/2013

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There was no major change in my relationship after I got married. We had dated for years and marriage was something we planned on getting around to. Our relationship was not healthy, and I didn't acknowledge that. Ten years had slipped by thinking "everything will work out eventually, we just need to get over this bump in the road". When I finally married him, not much changed, but then everything fell apart less then a year later (it would have whether we married or not). The only benefit I can see that there was to marrying him was that divorcing him made everything so much more final and official when we split.

Laila - posted on 01/01/2013

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Same shit but a different day ....more bills to pay more worries to have ..babies one more person to clean up after..lol..

Merrie - posted on 12/30/2012

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There really is no difference. I was with Michael for five years before we got married. Our son was two and a half when we finally did. The only real difference is the change in my last name. Other than that our relationship is the same.

Shell - posted on 12/29/2012

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To me.... being married was just the final step in dedication. Of saying "yup you are the one and only for me. To have and to hold. Til death do us part." It's a special feeling to walk before God and family and friends and say... I choose you. And to know "I have been chosen". I never thought about the legal stuff myself, but now that it's come up... We need to find a way so that if anything happened (God forbid) to my husband that I still will get time with our (s)son!! Thanks for bringing that topic up! I'm also sorry for your friend, that is horrible. That is obviously not how her boyfriend would have wanted things.

Lynn - posted on 12/29/2012

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That is so flippin cold hearted of your friends boyfriends family to do that. wow... I never even thought about those benefits of being married.

Rena - posted on 12/27/2012

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I think that it is a matter of attitude... several posts here say that marriage is a greater committment... but one never knows for sure if both people are actually making the same committment. I got married because I didn't want our daughter starting school without us being married as I thought she might be teased. It turns out many in our community took for granted we were already married. The only difference is that the lawyers get involved and make some money when you end a marriage and they may not if you simply end a common law relationship. Do whatever you and your partner want... marry or don't marry.. there are no guarantees either way!

Shell - posted on 12/27/2012

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I think that when 2 people make a baby, they should be in love and married. I think that too many young people don't take precautions and get "caught in the moment" they get pregnant accidentally. I think every child deserves to have both of his parents living in the same home. I know it can't always happen. But I still have that value system and always will. I'm obviously not prejudiced about it though as I married my husband and he wasn't married to the ex. They didn't even have a great relationship when she got pregnant! THAT I just don't understand!!! I waited to have a child and to be married until I was 33 years old. It is possible to do.

In answer.... It may not have been better for me nor my husband (since we wouldn't have found each other), but if they were married they may have tried harder to work it out. and in the long run, if it had worked out .... the child's life would be very different than it is now. He would get to spend every night under the same roof as his mother and father. Don't get me wrong I love him and am glad that they both are in my life. But being separated from each other is extremely hard on the the child and on my husband.

So it worked best for me this way, did it really work out best for the child? All in all since it was what was..... he is very lucky to have me in his life, as is his Daddy. And we are a very happy family!

I hope that answers your question! =)

Angela - posted on 12/23/2012

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@ Shell Belle

QUOTE:

"I never did and would never want my child to have children out of wedlock. It is a mess and unfair to the children in my opinion. I did marry a man with a child out of wedlock and IT IS A MESS because the ex is a real piece of crappy work."

May I ask you this question ..... If it's so bad to have a child out of wedlock, do you feel that if your husband had been married to his child's mother this would have been better for you?

Really curious about your answer here!

Claudia - posted on 12/19/2012

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As long as you have respect and love for each other it doesn't matter if you are marry or not.that's just my opinion

Heather - posted on 12/18/2012

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Well, one of the big differences is knowing if there really is a long term future and commitment. When you marry you share belongings and financial responsibilities during the marriage, and even after death. Is there a legal promise that one person will be ok if the other should pass on unexpectedley when your not married. Do you care enough about that other person to make sure their future is as secure as the other?

Shell - posted on 12/17/2012

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I never did and would never want my child to have children out of wedlock. It is a mess and unfair to the children in my opinion. I did marry a man with a child out of wedlock and IT IS A MESS because the ex is a real piece of crappy work. It is too easy to break up and is harder (tho as stated before I'm not sure how much) get a divorce. I married at 34. I'm glad I did, but I'm here for the long haul.... even with all the shit we are getting dished and don't deserve. I would recommend marriage that is well thought out and with the idea that it IS "til death do us part". I and me does go away and HAS to be replace with we and us. It's hard sometimes, but that is the difference.

I quote and I agree with Mynique: Being married changes people. Sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better, but I think with similar morals, feelings, goals, and paths in life it can work beautifully, but communication is key....and that means listening as well as talking. Taking turns...giving in once in a while and vice versa. There is a huge difference between dating/being together and marriage..but when it's right..being married is a wonderful irreplaceable thing.

And add simply... Lose me and I. You become a team. One. Us and we. And with that I know my Husband and I can go the distance as long as we have each other.

I do not recommend marriage for an 18 yr old. I do not recommend that anyone have a baby out of wedlock if that can be helped. That's my 25 cents! =) Good luck to you.

Julie - posted on 12/12/2012

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I went from having a surname nobody could spell to having a surname I thought was simple but turns out has just as many variations and the first!!!

I was honoured to make that promise of forever, take my husbands name, love, honour and money!!! We are a true team and getting married just made it more difficult if he wanted to leave me! (Tee hee, that's what I tell him)

Tanya - posted on 12/06/2012

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My husband and I lived together first before we got married, for years. My mom and dad got divorced early in their marriage so I was the over cautious one, especially hearing my mom's jaded comments about marriage. I am glad we waited. I got pregnant when I was 18 and there was no way I was mature enough to handle a baby and marriage. Now, 22 years together (married for 14 years), I think we made the right decision to wait.

Carla - posted on 11/26/2012

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My sister waited until marriage to have sex and move in with him. They ended up getting divorced a few years later.

I think It is better to live together first, because if you can't stand living with him how will you deal with him after you get married?

I think the only difference is if you have a religious family, and they are criticizing you for living together. Or if they refuse to "break bread" (eat or hang out) with you because they do no associate with people living in sin.

Once you are married and "doing things the right way" they accept you. That is wrong to not accept anyone if they do not conform to YOUR BELIEFS!!!!!!!!!!!

Stacy - posted on 11/22/2012

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My husband and I lived together for almost 3 years before we got married and I think things did change. For me, I realise that we are in it for the long haul and issues that used to make us angry no longer do because we have to live with it. It's not like we have a choice to just leave. We must work together to make it last.

Also, it meant a lot when I heard his vows to me in front of our family and friends and his speech telling me how proud he is of me and how much I mean to him. This made our relationship stronger to know just how special we are to each other.

Phoebe - posted on 11/22/2012

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I lived with my now husband for 6 years before we got married, and our relationship hasn't changed at all. (We've been married for 7 years).



I think the only easy bit is that we have the same surname, which is easier for school and other legal stuff, but its no impossible if you're not married.



Personally I think being happy is the most important thing, regardless of marital status.

Vanessa - posted on 11/18/2012

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If you know you want to marry him and he obviously wants to marry you, do it! If the only objection is because of his ex, then you are already letting her be in control, it's all how you think of it, you are letting his past and what it led to (divorce & alimony) control your happiness, everyone has a past, but that's why it's there and not in the present :) if you love him, don't let him go and any assets you do have, keep them under your name (if & when you get married) so it looks like he has nothing, there might be an advantage to his situation, but idk how much say she really has in his finances besides the amount of alimony and length of time, good luck

Sandra - posted on 09/11/2012

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Many people can give you their opinion, but that is all it is opinions. So lets say you get five for marriage and five against marriage. You are back at square one....what do you do?

Why not get the truth for the situation, the instruction book of life...the bible. The word of God will show you all instructions on what to do and think. God says not to be conformed to this world (the opinions of others who are not basing their response on truth but what feels good for the moment...please note feelings come and go) but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. How do you renew your mind??? Read the word of God. I challenge you to do a study on marriage...relationships and see what God says. Then compare what you are doing or not doing to honor Him. Marriage by the way is great, and it's not just a piece of paper that makes it different than living together with out it. The covenant cermony of marriage comes with the blessing of God with it. Be blessed and do it God's way.

Stephanie - posted on 09/03/2012

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..... I'm not really disagreeing. I only had 2 boyfriends, ever... I also come from a very strict religious/familial based background... I didn't have many boyfriends, just two committed relationships and I only thought about marrying the one I married.... we just had our daughter before we were able to get married, mostly related to our professions, i don't want to get into the specifics of the situation but there are medical reasons that make it difficult for me to use contraceptives such as the pill and I also have a latex allergy that makes it uncomfortable to use condoms, and my husband was also the only person I've had sex with.... and therefore, 4 years into our committed relationship I did have an unplanned pregnancy and our firstborn child before marriage... it was just how the cards played out, technically we didn't get engaged until we had a child already... but, we still had planned on getting married... and did... anyhow, I would've loved for both of our beautiful children to have been born after we were married but... one was born before and I suppose I don't have any real regrets because it turned out so well regardless :-)

Tah - posted on 08/31/2012

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That's how I feel Marian...It makes me so happy that he thought enough about me to tell the world and God(we are christian) I was his wife and he wanted to care for me in everyway. I felt honorable and much more respected and loved than when I was living with my daughter's father(ex-fiancee) for almost 7 years....I have a debate on this in my 'Just debates" group, where a secular study was done on living together without marriage..check it out..

Marian - posted on 08/31/2012

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Thank you! Your reply brightened my day! I absolutely LOVE being married. It makes me feel wonderful to introduce my husband and to know that we have this bond. I highly recommend it, good for the heart and soul!



Wishing you an amazing evening and terrific weekend!

Lynn - posted on 08/31/2012

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Congratulations on having the baby! I am glad that you look at marriage as a good thing. SO many posts I delete and emails I read are from people saying that marriage is what ruins things, and that they are fine with the way they are.

Marian - posted on 08/31/2012

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My 1st relationship I lived with for 11years. We were engaged the entire time, no kids but we bought a house together and were common law married since w had community property.



My relationship now...I am very happily married with a beautiful 9mnth old baby girl and his 2 sons from his previous marriage. We have been together for 4 1/2yrs, married for 2 1/2. He was also with his ex for 11 yrs, married for 3 of those.



I personally believe there is a huge difference, but I have also experienced both scenarios. My husband is a wonderful man and I am proud to have his name. The only thing that changed after we got married was the blessing of our miracle baby.

Vanessa - posted on 08/30/2012

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I explained the examples of bf/gf relationships that I don't agree with, I know a lot of people who are already planning on getting married when they get pregnant, but the ones who are not planning on getting married but get engaged after they are pregnant, it's for the wrong reason, yes, good for the child, but maybe not good for the partners. And bf/gf is a commitment but marriage is the ultimate-binding commitment, and because in my mind, marriage should come first, I wasn't thinking about having children with bfs, when I got together with my husband, I knew, I just knew that he was the one I wanted to marry, but that's me

Stephanie - posted on 08/29/2012

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that said, I did end up marrying my now husband, but I waited until our daughter was 15 months old and I had already applied for my last year of financial aid in college!

Stephanie - posted on 08/29/2012

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Vanessa-- boyfriend's and girlfriends are making a commitment to one another, it depends on how you view your relationship. Additionally, not everyone fits that sterotype.... just because they aren't married doesn't mean they aren't committed to one another although it does denote a different level of commitment. There are also other considerations that you may not have thought of.... if I married my husband prior to completing my Bachelor's degree in college it would have costed me about $30-40,000 more!!!!! My profession requires a college degree, not everything is black and white...in an ideal world, yes you should get married before you bring a child into the picture but consider that 60% of marriages end in divorce... marriage isn't always the healthiest decision...

Stephanie - posted on 08/29/2012

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I believe there is a difference although I didn't see it quickly. I was excited about getting married even though I lived with my spouse and we had one child together before marriage. We didn't want to rush into marriage because it is a huge commitment & we wanted to get married for the right reasons so that we could make the best decision for our, at the time, child that has since turned into children. I don't regret waiting and it does make a difference, marriage is more binding and requires more commitment.

Vanessa - posted on 08/29/2012

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I think if there are children involved or your thinking about having children you better be married. I'm so sick of seeing bf and gfs having babies and then getting engaged and then breaking up and on and on, if you cannot make a commitment (marriage) to one person, then how do you think you can make a commitment to be a parent with that person? I don't care if people want to live together forever and never get married but as soon as they want to bring a child into the mix, it's like their way or thinking they are gonna tie the other down and now they will never leave me, oooh that drives me crazy, and only marry because you just know, there's no way to explain the feeling, but that you just know, so if you don't know or are unsure, don't do it! It's not a joke!

Angela - posted on 08/28/2012

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I think it depends on the couple. My husband says it feels just the same as before we were married but living together but he's the one that's happier that we're legally committed.



Every individual will have their own opinion and experience. Even within a couple, both partners aren't necessarily going to think the same way.



I hate to hear of married people using their married status to loftily put down those couples who adore each other but aren't married. Also those unmarried couples who go on about marriage being "just a piece of paper". Cynicism is just as unattractive as snobbery.

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being a widower im not sure i would remarry. sure life seems so hard now doing it all solo, then i see some friends who are miserable alone and with company. i myself at times feel the same way, but i have learned to adjust being alone.

Tah - posted on 08/26/2012

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You MUST MUST MUST discuss the expectations that come with being married. People may change after the vows, stop dressing up as nice or as often, gain/lose weight, etc. For some, their outlook on marriage changes and they begin to view the other as property instead of a mate. Again, that has to do with the person. I am sorry you went through that.

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