Anyone relate? Lost 4 month old son

Robin - posted on 04/29/2013 ( 23 moms have responded )

57

0

13

We lost our 4 month old son April 12,2013. Finally had his service/celebration of life April 26,2013. He did not die from SIDS. We do not have cause of death yet we are still waiting for the report. Just hoping to connect with someone that can relate. Willing to share my story in more detail just don't wanna waste time if I don't get replys.

23 Comments

View replies by

Robin - posted on 05/19/2013

57

0

13

I am just sad and lonely without him. My heart is hurting. My heart feels broke. I love my other children so much. No one can take the place of my baby. I will forever be heart broken. I will forever miss him. I wish he didn't have to leave me. Sometimes I even wonder if this is some kind of dream. Been over 5 weeks now and I still want to have hope I'll wake up. I love him so much!!!

Robin - posted on 05/13/2013

57

0

13

Thank you! Some of my friends bought me some scrapbooking supplies. Not ready to do it yet but I definitely will. I want Gannon to me remembered. I want everyone to see my beautiful baby and enjoy looking at them. Thank you. I'm at the point of good days and bad days. Wish it was a nightmare I just haven't woke up from. : \

Aimee - posted on 05/12/2013

64

20

2

Robin we lost our daughter Kayleigh at birth seven years ago we suffered from placental abruption. I want you to know that you are not selfish having four children! The pain never really goes away you just learn to live with it and allow it to fit into your life. You will always wear a badge that nobody should have to wear. I dont suggest hiding from your pain. I understand it as moms we are suppose to be the strong one but its okay to show your children that you can be weak and strong all at the same time. After losing Kayleigh I decided to do a scrap book (it was actually one of my shower presents) and for Christmas that year I made a scrapbook for each grandparent and aunt/uncle. It was an amazing healing process. Maybe doing something with your whole family might help. I am sending you strength and love.

Robin - posted on 05/11/2013

57

0

13

Thank you very much!! I am so thankful for the time I had with him 16wks3days here plus the extra time I got with him while I was pregnant. I know I am so lucky and blessed that I had that time with him, yes it was short but also longer then a lot of other moms. God has a plan and I know good will come from this!!! God wouldn't make moms suffer like this without a reason. I won't turn my back on God, I will embrace Him even more everyday. I know I am truly blessed. I'm sorry for you too. You remind me how lucky I am I had the time with him I did. Thank you. ((((Hugs))))

LeighAnne - posted on 05/09/2013

48

17

3

Robin I'm so very sorry for your loss. My only biological child I lost the da before my due date to an umbilical cord accident. While I can totally understand the loss of a child, everyone's story and pain is different. I'm glad you got to hold him and see his eyes open, spend precious moments with him...but so sorry you're time with him was so very brief. ((((HUGS))))

Robin - posted on 05/07/2013

57

0

13

Well I lost Gannon 25 days ago now. The pain is just as real as it was that night. Probably always will be. My other babies are 10(son) 9(daughter) and 22 months(daughter). I felt so complete when we had him. My son was beyond excited to finally have a brother and I was excited my final child was another boy. Sometimes I wonder if I was being selfish by having 4 kids and that's why he's gone. I see people who can't have kids or that lose their baby when they were pregnant and I feel sad for them for I have been blessed four times. Have 3 other babies doesn't make the pain less. If anything my pain is double as I watch my other kids in pain for the loss of their brother and I can't protect them from that. Moms are suppose to protect their babies and I can't. If I don't take something I can't even sleep. That makes for a very bad next day. It's not fair for my other babies to see me lose it all the time so I hold a lot in. Don't wanna make their pain worse. I need to remember to ask God for strength. He's the only one that can make the pain bearable. He's the one that can help me get through the pain. I don't know if I'll ever have any more. I know nothing will ever feel the void and wouldn't want that to be my intention for another one. Not sure if I could be a good mom to another one. How would I not freak out the first year? How would I sleep? Gannon was gone so fast!! My hubby walked out of the room and back in in 3 minutes and he was gone!! 3 minutes!!! Started CPR immediately and nothing nothing!!! I guess I have to stop freaking out and know it was the plan. It was his time. He's with God, where he's suppose to be and where I will be.

Cathy - posted on 05/06/2013

188

0

5

Awwww....honey...it's almost like u knew...if he was special from the other kids...or different l should say. I'm sure he watching down on u giving u strength just like Ariana does with me. It 16 weeks today I gave birth to her. God I miss her. I just want to be a mummy...so bad. One day. Will uz try again Hun?? How old are ur other children Hun?? Love to u xxxxxx

Robin - posted on 05/06/2013

57

0

13

I'm sorry. Why can't time be a little different ya know. The ER doc said he thinks it could have been cardica arrest of some sort just cause they never could get his heart to beat. But when I was pregnant with Gannon the perenatoligst had ordered an Echocardiogram because I'm a diabetic and that is one defect it could cause and that came back normal. I remember the cardiologist saying everything he can see looks perfect. I know it isn't 100% accurate since he was in the womb but its just another thing that doesn't make sense. I did talk to a SIDS support group and got a better understanding of SIDS. A lot of people believe SIDS is a cause of death. When they can't find the answer and call it SIDS they believe that it is some type of immature brain or something that causes organ failure and we just haven't found where the connection is. So I don't know what to think anymore lol. I kinda felt before SIDS was a copout to them just unable to find the problem. Well hopefully we will find out something!!

Sandy - posted on 05/06/2013

2

34

1

I totally know what you are going through. I lost a little girl at 4 months 23 days. Paramedics initially said SIDS, but she had a bad heart, which just gave out on her. The day she passed away, she was supposed to go to the heart doctor to schedule open heart surgery for about 2 weeks later. She should be 16. In fact her 16th anniversary is June 6.

Robin - posted on 05/06/2013

57

0

13

Thank you! I'm so sorry about Ariana. That had to be very hard as well. I feel luckier then the rest of my family, I got to have a relationship and bond with Gannon for 9 months while I was pregnant with him. I remember when he was born and I was still waiting to finish the labor process and my doc and nurse were with me and as I laid there looking at him on the warming table he was so peaceful. So calm quite and sweet. I knew he was so special. Didn't know I was only going I have him for four months after that, but he seemed different then my other babies from day one.

Cathy - posted on 05/05/2013

188

0

5

Hello beautiful, I'm so sorry on the loss of your beautiful son. Life is so cruel and unfair and some how we have to move on and live with out our angels. I personally did not get to see my angel...Ariana was born sleeping at 39 weeks pregnant. Born 15th January 2013....I had a perfect pregnancy and no pain what so ever...just hadn't felt her move and got her checked and she was gone! I gave birth naturally and she was the most beautiful little princess iv ever seen. But to get back to ur question.....we have had autopsys and genetic testing done...and they still have no cause of death.....nothing...no reAson....and it's so hard to accept that a baby just stops breathing for no reason. I so sorry and I know my story is diffrent but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and ur not alone. And if u need anyone to talk to through this tough horribly sad time in ur life...I'm here for you. I hope u get answers babe. And I send my love and prayers. I will say....the cry over Ariana is far and few In between now...time doesn't heel...it just gets easier to deal with the loss. We will always miss and yern to hold our baby's. I'm so sorry Hun. Xxxxx

Robin - posted on 05/05/2013

57

0

13

Thank you!! My sister is very close with my kids and I know this has been horrible for her as well. I actually called her on my way to ER and when I knew we were gonna lose him I asked her if she wanted to come in the room with me and my hubby and she said Yes, I was here when he came into this world and if he has to leave I wanna be there too. Needless to say she was my hubby and my support during delivery. I know that night when he passed it was almost harder for her then me. Like I've said before when I saw Gannon God gave me a peace about it not being him only his body. He was with God already. The images I have in my head from when they were trying to revive him don't hurt me like most other people in these situations. I knew he was gone the whole 45 min I was next to him as they tried. God has been so wonderful to us during this time. I know without Him I wouldn't be able to handle this. Not saying its easy cause it isn't AT ALL. But my strength comes from God.

Alberta - posted on 05/05/2013

60

11

1

I am so sorry for your loss. I AM the Aunt of Benjamin who died just 1 week short of his 4 month birthday. My Sister still struggles with it as do I but try to focus on his beautiful face and not on the heartache. I will pray for you and your family.

Robin - posted on 05/05/2013

57

0

13

Thank you so much. It's so bittersweet to have moms to relate to. I don't want anyone in this world to have this pain but plain and simple I am not alone and I thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I believe in God and I am just trying to rely on Him for strength and guidance. I can't even say why me?? Cause that might mean this would have to happen to someone else and I don't want that!! Thank you.

Mary - posted on 05/05/2013

3

0

0

Hi Robin,

I am so deeply sorry to hear about your son, Gannon. I applaud you for reaching out to others for help. That can be a difficult thing to do. Kasandra is right about the pain. It will always be with you. The challenge now is learning to live with it. Your "new normal", as they say. Your body physically aches to have your son back. I've had a difficult time getting to a point where I can accept that this is my life now. As bereaved parents there will always be a hole in our hearts and our children will always be missing. Your family may feel incomplete right now because Gannon is not here. I like the quote, "I could go on to have 1,000 more children, but there will always be one missing."

I lost my 2 month old son, Logan on October 25th, 2012. It is still every bit as painful. It took me a long time to be able to genuinely smile. I walked around in a fog for three months and since then it's been a roller coaster of emotions. Take each day minute by minute. If you feel like crying all day, then cry all day. If you feel like screaming, then get in your car and scream. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be gentile with yourself and allow yourself to feel the pain, as much as it hurts.

Wishing you and your family well.

Robin - posted on 05/01/2013

57

0

13

Well I don't have a Facebook but would we be able to correspond through email? It's funny you mention your relationship with his father. We have a lot in common. I'll post my email on here and if you feel comfortable feel free to email me. I am new to the whole forum thing so I don't know if they allow it but I'll find out lol. Ok well it wouldn't let me have it on there so I tried to private message you to see if that works.

Kasandra - posted on 05/01/2013

10

0

1

well, let me tell you my story really quick.. My sons father and I were split up at the time of his death.. We had equal custody (our arrangement) every other week. My son was with his father when he gained his wings..It was a Thursday, and I hadn't seen him since Friday.. Jace's father and the police state that Jace was put to sleep by rocking him, and was laid down on his back for the nights sleep. His father had gone to sleep on a chair, near where Jace was sleeping.. When he awoke in the morning Jace was face down (this is how he has slept since he was born and since he could pretty much crawl he slept like that more and more) and blue, and cold to touch.. The blanket that had covered his bottom half was no where to be found. They called 911 and tried CPR until the ambulance arrived. The EMT tried to revive him the entire ride to the hospital. He was too far gone =[ The 911 call was made around 7 in the morning... His time of death as stated on his death certificate was 9 ish that morning (thats when they stopped trying to revive him) I didnt get the call from the police until 1 in the afternoon. I remember that day like it was yesterday... so much pain I never knew my heart could hold. I placed blame instantly on his father. I knew it wasn't fair but at the time I needed to blame someone. Because Jace was a child they began the investigation like they would a homicide. I didn't get a cause of death or any answers until a month after his passing... So many questions were left unanswered for far too long. They finally said that his cause of death is positional asphyxia and it was accidental so no one was at fault.. I didn't receive my sons belongings until about a week ago when the case was finally closed.

Part of me still wants to blame someone, in my heart I just don't see how a 6 month old mobile infant can just go to sleep and not wake up. he was healthy and happy, and perfect. I still to this day don't understand.

For awhile there I literally couldn't talk to anyone. Christmas was extremely hard.. It would have been his first. As I watch my daughter open her gifts I instantly broke down. it was hard for me to watch her and not think of him.

But (as horrible as this sounds) losing my son made me realize how much I needed his father in my life. How much i love him and how wrong I was for leaving in the first place. We have been back together since December and going strong. His father is having a really hard time with this, Jace was his only child, and i had my tubes tied when I had Jace, we agreed that if we had a son we would tie em up, because both of my pregnancies were extremely hard. I regret that decision now... =[

I had many thoughts of suicide after I lost my angel, and many times i hurt so badly that i literally could feel my heart break. but I stayed strong, and when I looked into my daughters eyes I knew that i needed to keep going. If not for me i needed to do it for her.

I promise it gets easier. yes the pain is going to be unbearable for awhile, but as time goes by it will be easier to think of him, look at his pictures, talk about him...



Do u have a facebook? I would love to talk with you from time to time, help you whenever needed. I think that could benifit both of us... What do u think?

Robin - posted on 05/01/2013

57

0

13

Right now and the last few days, well almost a week, it's taking everything for me not to lose it. The pain is making me ill. I feel like I'm gonna just freak out. I can't even explain my feelings honestly. I do have an awesome family and a lot of support but I really feel like I am losing myself. In the evening the house is loud and all three kids here and even my hubby and friend and I feel alone and empty. I am so thankful for my 3 babies that are here but I am still feeling all this.

Kasandra - posted on 05/01/2013

10

0

1

Okay, I am really going to be honest with you. The first 3 months are gonna break you down. You are going to feel like you have lost yourself, your motivation, your hope, and just about everything else. Right now, you are most likely feeling numb... That could explain why you feel as if u are coping pretty well. I did well after losing my son up until about 3.5 weeks after his passing when I awoke from a dream thinking that my son was crying to wake up and look around and remember that he wasn't here. It started to get harder and harder, especially when my daughter who is 4 will constantly ask about her brother and says things like "why did God take my baby brother, why couldnt he take someone else's" breaks my heart


I am lucky enough to have an amazing support system. Some days I lay in bed all day, look at photos, listen to sad songs, watch videos and cry my eyes out... and it helps believe it or not. For about the first 2 months I felt a ton of guilt.. what if i did this, i should have done that differently... the list is endless. I would feel guilty if i smiled, or laughed or felt something other than overwhelming sadness. But i knew that my son wanted me to continue living even tho he could not. I made a slideshow with songs that made me think of him and his pictures from birth to death...I watch it all the time...

truth is, you are never gonna be the same person you were before ur son gained his angel wings... you will never love, or lose, or hurt or feel the same ever again. You will however learn how to live your life celebrating his every memory that you hold so deeply in your heart.

If you would like more advice let me know, I would offer more now but its late and i need to sleep lol. If u wanna hear my story i can reply with it tomorrow.

Sleep Sweet ♥

Robin - posted on 04/30/2013

57

0

13

Trying to find someone to relate to. Need help dealing with my feeling and knowing if they are normal or not. Maybe advice to help me get through these first hard few months. It's been 18 days since I lost him now and I am praying to find help. I feel desperate for anyone to have words of encouragement or even to cry with.

Robin - posted on 04/30/2013

57

0

13

You replied to my post about losing my 4 month old son on April 12, 2013. For some reason I can not reply to post only start a new one so hopefully this is something that can be fixed. Ok I'll just start with what happened. I returned to work when my son turned 12 weeks old. He was a BF baby and had issues adjusting to taking the bottle of BM while I was gone but it was improving for the most part. My hubby was home with our two youngest babies. 22 month old daughter and 4 month old son. Older 2 were thankfully no there. Gannon would sometimes get fussy at feeding time so sometimes if they laid him down kinda at a tilt on a pillow for tummy time before feeding he would calm down and then after about 5 minutes he'd be ready to eat. So when he did that with him Gannon immediately calmed down and so he decided while the milk was warming up he'd call his grandma to tell her happy birthday. The phone convo was 2 min and so Gannon was alone for approximately 3 min. When my hubby walked over to get Gannon ready for his feeding he noticed he wasn't breathing and his head was more towards the pillow then him holding it up and when he turned him to pick him up there was a frothy blood coming from his nose and he was gone. He started CPR right away and as he did that used speaker phone to call 911. Once they for here they took over and took him to the hospital. I got there about 40 min from when this all started. And my hubby still hasn't been able to leave the house cause of the police. They took me back to the room and Gannon wasn't in there and I started freaking out and screaming and yelling and then my hubby came in and the doctor told us that they were still working on him and asked if we wanted to go in the room. When we walked in the room, filled with 8-10 people working on my baby, I saw him and knew he was gone. They continued to work on him for about 45 min and after they ordered the 9th dose of epinephrine the doc had to call it. It has been 17 days and the first 12-13 days I did ok given the circumstance, but every since about Wednesday the 24th I've been struggling more and more. California takes 4-6 months to have a cause of death so we have no clue. The er doc was thinking possibly cardiac arrest since he couldn't ever get his heart to beat again. He was a healthy baby. Teething and had a low fever 100.4 and did take acid reflux medicine but they said those things shouldn't have anything to do with losing him. I feel desperate for help right now. I hate that someone is feeling the pain I am but I need help. I've been praying to God for strength and help and I know he will help me. Right now maybe I'm not praying right cause the pain is so unbearable I feel like I'm losing myself. Any advise is appreciated and I am thankful for just you taking the time to read this.

Robin - posted on 04/30/2013

57

0

13

I've been having issues being able to reply to post and I just switched over to desktop version and it looks like its working now. I'll see if I can copy and paste the new one I started to being it to this one.

Kasandra - posted on 04/29/2013

10

0

1

hi there, first off I want to tell you that I am so very sorry for your loss. And I know you probably hear this all the time, but I do know what you are going through. My 6.5 month old son Jace passed away in his sleep on October 25th 2012... It was not SIDS. He would have turned 1 on April 4th. May I please hear ur story, and I will try and offer any help or advice that I have learned in the 6 months I have been grieving...and ill share my story with u as well

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms