Confused

Teresa - posted on 07/26/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I need some advice. I lost my son a little over 5 years ago. I still miss and love him so much. I still cry when I think of him. In addition we just lost my mother-in-law this past January. They are both buried in the same cemetary and I have found that I am having real problems going to his graveside. Is this something which is normal with grief or am I a bad mother for not going to his grave every weekend (or daily) the way I used to?

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Rose - posted on 07/29/2009

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I lost my daughter 15yrs ago and I rarely go to her gravesite. I light a candle or incense at home in rememberance, that has helped me more than visiting a cold stone and a nameplate

Cherie - posted on 07/27/2009

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There are no right or wrongs in this you just have to go by the way u feel...I am going to see a greif therepist soon maybe u should try it and see if it helps..I have also bought me some books about grief and they have helped some. I hope you feel better and god bless you.

Lori - posted on 07/27/2009

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Hi Teresa:

I have contemplated this question myself quite often. When my daughter first passed away I could not go a single day without spending hours at the cemetery. I just felt drawn there, and that's where I felt close to her. As time went on I moved from daily to every other day to a couple times a week and eventually to weekly. I'm not sure I was even aware of the change at the time, it was just something that happened. As you begin to heal you feel less compelled to go to the cemetery. I think it's normal for the healing process for us to go on with our lives. It doesnt mean we love our deceased child any less, it just means that we are healing. We Know that our child is not in that cemetery that they are angels with God. Early on we miss the physical presense of our child and therefore are drawn to the only physical reminder of them we have, but as time heals we learn to accapt the loss of their physical presense and learn to carry them with us everywhere. They are in our hearts and memories. I noticed that the less I went to the cemetery the more i started to talk about our daughter. It's more important to me now to remember her than it is for me to mourn her. I want my children to hear about her and carry on her memory, and to feel connected to her. Don't get me wrong, there are still hard times! The death of someone else close to me is always a set back that sends me running back to the cemetery and feeling guilty for my absence. The anniversries every year and the day of her birth are still hard days too. Two years ago I moved 5 hours from where my child is burried and went through a period of guilt and depression, and fould myself driving in the middle of the night for 5 hours out of a need to feel physically close to her. But even that settled down. I have made peace with the death of my child and accepted that life goes on. A month ago I moved from NY to TX and I'll probably be lucky if I get to the cemetery every third year. I may not be able to go to the cemetery as often as I would like but I have accepted that this does not make me a bad parent, and neither does it make you a bad parent. Giving up the habit of going to the cemetery just means you are healing and ready to move on to a different type of relationship with your angel! I hope that this is both comforting and helpful for you. Allow yourself to feel and act however you feel compelled and things will work out in the end. God bless you in this time of need.

Karen - posted on 07/26/2009

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I agree with Jaime. Our loved ones are not at the gravesite, they are in our hearts and minds. They live on in our memories, no matter how briefly they may have been in our lives. Grieving is a very personal, complicated thing. There are no rules on how you should grieve or how you should celebrate the memory of your little one.



You obviously love him and miss him, that is all the evidence that you need to know you are still a good mom.



May you find peace in your heart and remember your little one with joy.

Karen

Jaime - posted on 07/26/2009

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I do not believe that not visiting a grave site makes you a bad parent. I feel that grief is a personal expression, and is unique for each person. You still love and think about those that you have lost, and that is the most important part of it. As long as they remain in our thoughts and hearts they will forever be in our lives. My grandfather died over 10 years ago, and I have not been able to visit the site where he rests but twice. Both times I heard the gun solute that happened at his funeral. I didn't like the feeling of loss each time I visit, therefore I do not visit his grave site. I choose to talk about those I have lost, and heal through remembering how they lived and visiting "happy memory" places I have. I hope that helped a little, but it is only my opinion.

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