having another child after a loss (miscarriage/stillbirth/genetic)

Amanda - posted on 02/17/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I was wondering how everyone feels during your pregnancy and after you have your child after a loss.
I lost my son @ 18 weeks gestation due to a cord accident, I was induced and had my precious little Rylan. 6 months later I found out I was pregnant and i was excited to have a baby in my body again but everyday I always wondered if it would happen again. Even after I made it past 18 weeks I still did not feel like naming the baby or putting a room together just in fear it would happen again. Luckily my doctor arranged for me to have weekly monitoring and ultrasounds from 19 weeks and on. But at every appointment when I laid on that table my heart would hang there until she said heartbeat looks good. My daughter is almost 5 months now and I look at her and just want to cry because I miss him so much and wonder what he would look like. I remember when she was just born I felt so distanced from her like I could not belive that she was mine.
I would like to hear from others to see that I'm not alone

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User - posted on 02/28/2010

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hello everyone. i am so sorry to know all of you here have also experienced the loss of children. all of us here can relate to each other in such a sad way, yet i think it also helps us to know we are not alone. that is one of the things that helped me through my son's death- knowing that this has happened to others before me and, although i wished this never had to happen to anyone else, knowing that it would happen after me.
my husband and i are "those people" who don't use birth control. we got married at 26 (me) and 30(him). we felt we were ready to have kids and wanted the control to be left up to God. it took 11 months to get pregnant! although we felt ready to have kids sooner, it was wonderful to have this extra time to just be a couple and enjoy life before kids. well you don't really know you're pregnant till you miss your period- so by that point you're already several weeks pregnant, i went to the dr for the test and was 4.5 or 5 weeks. we were super excited and announced it to the world- not waiting the common 12 weeks to announce. a week or so later i miscarried. :( i was so sad and disappointed and discouraged but wanted to have a baby and still wanted the control to be in God's hands not my own. it was only about 1.5-2 months later and i was pregnant again! i started bleeding at 8 weeks and got put on bedrest. i quit my job and kept my activity to a minimum. the bleeding was very light, sometimes only spots, some days none, but still bleeding nonetheless. at the 20 week ultrasound the bleeding had stopped, i was told it was ok to come off bedrest, the baby was very active and we were so blessed to watch him squirming around on the screen! i also started feeling the kicks right around this same time. everything looked perfect. but 2 1/2 weeks later something went wrong. he stopped kicking. i went to the dr and he was already gone. i delivered my son at 23 weeks gestation, stillborn. we were so heartbroken. my hope and faith is in God alone. He is what carried me through this time. the support of our family and friends also was a great strength for us. if it can offer anyone hope to share my story, that is why i am here. i do not have any control over life- my own included. that child was God's child. i had already chosen to dedicate him to God long before he passed away. those are the things that helped me through the most. and as i said, knowing i was not alone in this. we named our son joshua paul, and as someone else said, perhaps here or perhaps in another thread, everytime i meet someone who has lost a child, i hope that my joshua is friends with them in heaven!
well, needless to say because everyone here understands, when i got pregnant again i was terrified. i wanted so badly to be excited, and i was excited, but unfortunately there was also an underlying fear of loss. it was a very difficult 9 months! not a difficult pregnancy, but just difficult emotionally. i was pregnant 3 months after the stillbirth- and the stillbirth was at 23 weeks- so.....that means i was pregnant while i had to get past certain times, such as the time my son was due, and also, the timing of it worked out that my due date for this new pregnancy was just 1 week before the date of the delivery of joshua. boy were the emotions going crazy!
but God brought me through. i pretty much self-proclaimed myself to bedrest. i didn't do a whole lot for a good majority of the pregnancy. when i got past 23 weeks i was so thrilled but still so scary not knowing how this would result. well let me happily report that at 37 weeks i went into labor and delivered a healthy little boy (aside from the common issue of jaundice which was easily monitored by the dr's and taken care of). we named him michael after my husband and he is such a joy, he is now 4 months old.

everyone's story is different. everyone's feelings are different. everyone handles the pain and the grief different. but everyone's story can offer a hope, a peace, a strength to the others. i hope my story offers hope. there is hope in God, the God who creates life and holds life in his hands. and there is hope in children after miscarriage/stillbirth. it will be scary, that is true. there may be difficulties. the emotions will be hard to keep under control. but it is very possible to have beautifully healthy children after loss, even multiple losses. if you're reading this and unsure of trying again, please don't give up!

Lynn - posted on 03/04/2010

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hi amanda i had a little boy for one day and he died at 13 hours old with a congenial diaphragmatic hernia. i just recently had a little boy on the 1st of febuary there and during my pregnancy with him i did not tell anyone except my partner that i was pregnant untill my 20 week scan as that was when we found out with our first little boy as i was scared incase it happened again then i told every one but even every week after that i was still scared of loseing my littleone i was scared to give him a name or buy anything incase i had to go through the same process as my first coming home with no baby i then got swine flu when i was expecting and that put more worry on me but he is here noe nice and healthy and looks just like his big brother in heaven xx take care

Vicki - posted on 03/02/2010

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I lost my son at 28 weeks in November. I just found out two weeks ago that I am pregnant again, and to be honest, I am scared to death.

Sara - posted on 02/18/2010

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I was in a similar boat as you. We lost our first child at 32 weeks due to a placental abruption brought on by preeclampsia. I found out I was pregnant just 3 months after he was delivered. Due to the circumstances of the first pregnancy, I was closely monitored and was going to doctor visits every week at about 20 weeks and twice a week starting at 24 weeks. I was always on edge thinking "this baby should be moving, I can't feel it move!". Everything was fine and by the time they admitted me to the hospital for bed rest I was greatful that I would be monitored more closely. I think losing a child during pregnancy changes your approach. You aren't so naive anymore. It's not the blissful experience people say you should be having. You know it could go wrong. I still look at my 3 year old and wonder what his brother would have been like. But I know if James was alive, Jack would probably not be in my life right now. I think losing my first makes me appreciate being a mother even more and I feel so blessed that my first son gave me that. Hang in there. We are all in this together.

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Jamie - posted on 09/05/2013

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My deepest sympathy goes out to the families who have had to go through this type of lose. I am also a mother who had recently experienced a stillbirth. I'm 31 and all I wanted was another Baby. I have two healthy Boys 11 & 3 it's been a hec of a three years since I miscarried prior to my pregnancy with my 3yr old and had him at 35 weeks! Prior to this pregnancy in 2013 I miscarried but got pregnant 2 months later. I decided to take Progestron shots per the drs recommendation to prevent preterm labor for which I was willing to do whatever it takes to carry a healthy Baby! I was later diagnosed with placenta previa when I was around 20 weeks, which they say is normal for woman who have had c- sections for which I had 2. Supposibly everything was fine it was always fine per the RNP. One day during my 30th week I was at the drs office for an ultrasound which was a tues to check the previa, I also wanted a photo of my Son some
reason that day he wasn't giving us a good image I tryed drinking water walking around but nothing the dr said that was fine maybe next time and sent me home. Come weds thurs things felt different I felt the bby but figured as I grew farther long his kicks were less because of space as what I was told, come fri when I go for my shot which was every week I also ask to hear the babys HB the Nurse heard nothing and sent me to the hospital there also nothing no HB I was devastated I couldn't believe I did everything right and more for this pregnancy how could this be true, I cryed and cryed!! My history called for more attention attention by the prenatal
office Seriously I delivered my son it was heartbreaking and buried him at 30 weeks! This is all so fresh for me still and hard for me to function but I have two other kids who need me and o e I can never replace this is nothing like a miscarriage who h is also devastating especially Miscarriage, then still birth! And I want a baby but I
Traumatized! Thanks for hearing my story!

Sherma - posted on 05/08/2013

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Hello everyone, I had a still birth at 32 week due to placenter detachment. Am so scared f having another child.

Patti - posted on 03/05/2010

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You are definitely not alone. After our son died, I wanted nothing more than to get pregnant. It took 2 1/2 years but we did. Not a moment went by in the pregnancy that I didn't worry. Our lost son was fill term and still born. His cord detached from him. No way to predict this in the next pregnancy. You will always miss the son you lost, that never goes away. I always wonder what he would look like now, who he would take after ( I have 4 other children) and what the family would be like with him in it. It doesn't mean I have any less love for the last son we had, but it is a different love, just like for each of our other children. Keep a special place in your heart for your son and love your daughter for who she is. You are lucky to have her and she is lucky to have you. She is lucky to have the big brother watching over her and you from wherever he is now.

Ericka - posted on 02/26/2010

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My son Elias was born at 28 weeks on Sept 30, 2008 and passed away 15 days later. Three month later I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl Rhyanna. From when I was 13 weeks pregnant I had to get weekly progesterone shots and see my ob 3 times a weeks. It was really scary and When my daughter was born at 39 weeks she had to be put in the NICU and I was scarred out of my mind to loose her too. She is now a healthy almost 4 month old.

Janet - posted on 02/26/2010

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I was 38 when I was pregnant with Ella. We went over the odds of downs, it was the most likley thing to go wrong and my husband and I decided if our baby had downs that we could deal with it so we didn't do an amnio. Well its not the worst thing that can happen. So we didn't know until she was born by emergence c-section on Christmas day. We live in a small town so she was life flighted to Boise, Idaho that night. She died 4 days later. My first few u/s were normal, but I had one 2 days before she was born and they said I had a 2 vessel cord, its supposed to be a 3 vessel cord and there was a lot on amniotic fluid. But that was all they saw. But she was very small, 5 lbs 9 oz. My daughter was 8 lb 3 oz and my son was 10 lb 11 oz. So she was very small in comparison. We also had genetic testing done and we are not carriers either so that was some good news. We got to hold Ella while she passed away, we kept her and held for quite a while after she passed. It was very hard but I am glad we had our time with her. She was very beautiful with a full head of hair. I went to a grief group after Ella passed, my husband wouldn't go. But it was very helpful for me. 2 years later I miscarried at 11 weeks, we were devastated. Our Dr. said he couldn't say for sure if it was the same reason or not. But please don't let that scare you. I found out last March, on my birthday, that I was pregnant again and we now have a beautiful baby boy. We didn't deliver in the same hospital but I did get to have the same Dr. deliver him. We went to Boise to deliver because I had preclampsia and gestational diabetes. Good Luck

Tricia - posted on 02/26/2010

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Jane, If you don't mind me asking did you know early on that Ella had t18? Its weird because until I got his diagnosis at 13wks gest. I never heard of it. Then I heard it only affects 1 in 6,ooo women. I wanted to keep going with the preg. even though the genetic Dr. suggested I abort. I felt I would not be the one to stop his heart,let God do that,I just didn't think it would of been only4 weeks later. I guess I was nieve in thinking we'd be one of those parents that would get at least a couple of months with him. Was Ella born small or measuring small at various u/s? I had 3 of them and at two of them they said he was behind by like 7 and 9 days for growth. When he came out He was ok for height but not weight. The last u/s done after they didn't see his heartbeat showed him gest. age at 15.5 weeks,and I was 17wks and 1 day along. (9 days behind) but they felt he had not passed away too long in utero because the nurses said he looked good considering he had what he had. At first we were afraid to see him,but I have no regreats seeing him,holding him and spending time with him. The hsp. experience was so different than with my previous two,not just because he wasn't alive. I don't know if I'll be able to look at one of those rooms again and not feel weird.But my next will also be delivered there.My husband and the kids andI have gone through alot in so many ways with this experience. Its something you never forget. We have a hsp support group that we attend once a month that helps. About 3 weeks after i had him we both had genetic testing to see if the trisomy was genetic or inherited and if it was one of us. Its not,so Dr. said for any future preg. we shouldn't worry of a repeat. Now we just pray for a healthy baby,or try because in a way I feel I've lost some of my faith after this has happened.

Janet - posted on 02/25/2010

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My daughter Ella had T 18 also. She died at 4 days old. I had a miscarriage 2 years later at 11 weeks. I was supposed to be 13 weeks. I too wondered how could I not know. It was devastating. My husband was very mad, not at me, just mad. He wanted to know why the h--- we couldn't have a baby together that lived. Then last March I found out I was pregnant again. I was so upset, I didn't want to go through another loss. Finally we got the amnio results and the baby was fine. Only I couldn't stop thinking about all the other things that could be wrong or go wrong. Now he is here and all is well, but I still worrie, expecially about going back to work in 2 weeks. I am not overly religious, but I do pray to God to watch over him.

Tricia - posted on 02/25/2010

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I am worried too about this. I loss my son at 17wks gest. And they delivered him so we could spend time with him. He had t18 and hydrops,but looking at him nothing was there" visibly yet. We wanted to try again and were advise to wait til March. I lost him on Oct.30th. We found out I am preg. again in Jan. I was suppose to see my ob today who canceled appt.,and now have to wait to see her next Thurs. I'm on egg shells. I have two healthy children so it was a surprise that Louis was marked as unhealthy. Now I just worry and pray for this baby to be ok.

Kelsey - posted on 02/21/2010

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I was the same. I had a daughter already but misscarried 4 time between her and my other daughter who is now one. I never belived i wouls have her even when i was huge and could feel her move. I think we do it because you know the pain of losing a child. So you dont let youself get attached. It's like a protection mecanisim. When my daughter was finally born I cried, I thinkl all the heartache of the last four years just come out. I finally felt i could let go. So no you are not alone.

JJ - posted on 02/18/2010

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I had my first son at 33 wks, he ended up staying in the NICU for 3 wk which was really hard since he was my first. I got pregnant with my 2nd when he was 9 months old, everything seemed to be going good until I went in for my 20 wk ultra sound. There was no heart beat. My heart sank. I was so devastated. It was a girl. She measured at 18 wks. The doctors said she died 2 wks ago. I felt so horrible, how could I not have known. I was scheduled to have a DNC which I really didnt want, but everyone insisted it was best. I ended up having her at home on Valentines Day. It was scary, but at least I got to hold my baby. She ended up having a heart defect. I ended up getting pregnant 6 wks after that. I was very scared considering all that I went through with my 1st and 2nd child. The doctors monitored me closely. I was on pins and needles when I hit 18 wks and 33 wks. I ended up having my son at 36 wks he was healthy and fine. I got to bring him home when I went home which ended up being Christmas Day. It was a wonderful Christmas. I still hurt very much from the death of my daughter. Even though I have my sons, I still cant get over the lost. Technically, when I got pregnant with my 2nd son, I would have been 7 months pregnant with her. If I would have had her my 2nd son would not exist. Having him has definatly helped me cope some what over her lost when I look at it that way, but I still always wonder what she would look like. I miss her so much and when I do look at my 2nd son at times I often remind myself of her. I always wanted a little girl, but she was taken away from me too soon. I don't think the pain ever goes away. It will be 2 yrs since I lost her.

Michelle - posted on 02/17/2010

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Hi Amanda I had a daughter die after her being with me just one day. She was born at 32 weeks. I have had two children since. Through both pregnacies I was so afraid that I would lose another child again. Even after I made it passed the time when I went into labour with my first child I still was worried. I too know that feeling of dread. Some time I would get mad at other mothers who were expecting and were able to enjoy all the "normal" feeling and things that all mothers should be able to feel. We had a loss that changes our whole world and how we look at it. It will be 14 years ago tomorrow that I lost my Alysha I still look at other kids and wonder is that what she would look like? All I have to say is that you never get over it but things do get better as time goes on. I still have to keep myself in check that I am not to protective of my kids (ages 12.5 and 11) and just enjoy every moment that I have with them. So that they can grow up and live happy and well. I too heal a little every time I see their smile but it will never replace my daughter. I know now that thats okay. It helps to know that were not alone and it's okay to feel this way.

Michelle

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