I feel guilty is this normal?

Stacy - posted on 10/08/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I have 3 beautiful living children that are 7,4,&2 but I also have two sons that died one on 1-17-06, and the other on 2-2-09 and 2 early miscarriages. I feel guilty when I am happy because I feel like I am betraying my boys by not mourning them yet when I miss my boys really bad I feel like I am betraying my babies because I am so sad that all I want to do is just cry and that is not fair to them because they didn't do a thing. In a way I want another baby but I know that it is just to fill a void and that isn't fair besides for the fact that I can't have anymore because my last about killed me. Is it wrong that I feel this way or is it normal?

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Nichole - posted on 10/13/2009

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Hugs to all u women, I also lost a daughter she was 15 weeks early born with group b strip she fought for 10 days and was just to weak to fight any more. she would be 9 this december 25th. Journie was perfect our little princess we miss her so much we pray to her everyday and tell her how much we love her. we had a son Harlee he had just turned a year on the 4th of december when we went into early labor with Journie he will be 10 this december. we also have another daughter that will turn 8 on the 19th of december.so we had a few years of hell there we were lost and guilty when I got pregnant so soon after we lost Journie we didnt want any more because we couldnt bear the thought of losing another child we didnt even try to love the baby growing inside me. But we had a heath baby girl and she is sweetie and cant imagen what it would be like with out her too. My point is everything happens for a reason when we lose a child its because God needed a perfect angle and thats what our babys are they are so pure and untainted from life that they could help god in all he does. Now with that said I know that dont help when your hurting and no one can say or do anything to help but love the ones you lost deply, and love the ones u have hear on earth unconditonaly and dont feel guilty for how u feel its all normal u will find that u still cry years later and still wonder what if.

Trish - posted on 10/13/2009

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I am so sorry. I lost my little girl in October of 2007. She was also sixteen weeks early. She only lived for 12 hours.

I think guilt is something every mother feels. Not only when we lose a child, but if our child gets hurt or even hurt feelings. Maybe there were times when we could do something about it, but that was not one of them. Eve would be two tomorrow. I don't think I will ever get over the guilt.

Jaclyn - posted on 10/13/2009

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I fight with guilt alot. I lost my son Hayden in 2007 he was 14 months old. But he is a triplet. I had the triplets in 2006 and they were born 16 weeks early. So after weeks in the hospital i got to bring them all home we didn't go very many places except doctors offices because of their immune systems. So we didn't do much out of the house as a family. Then when he passed away it was in May and we were aloud out of the house due to RSV season being over. I would feel so guilty cause it seemed like all we did was do stuff outside the house and we never did with him. I also feel guilty with family pictures cause he isn't with us. How can I have family pictures done when he isn't in them. We never got any family pictures done with him cause I was to fat and didn't want to be in the pictures. I also fight with the guilt of not being able to save him or knowing that he passed away while i was in the living room. He passed away in his sleep from undeterminded natural causes but they won't call it SIDS cause of some medical problems he had. He had severe cereberal palsy and was most likely totally deaf.

Trish - posted on 10/11/2009

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I feel that way still. I lost my baby girl due to a preterm delivery almost two years ago. She was my first. I just had another baby, a little boy, who is almost 4 months old. I fight with guilt everyday.

Sandi - posted on 10/11/2009

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Oh, you are completely normal!!! But you have to remember, you're not betraying your boys by being happy - they are in the presense of God and happy where they are! Their time there before we get there will only be like a moment to them, so they don't have time to miss us. I have three babies in Heaven now - I miss them like crazy, and at first I felt guilty for loving the ones who came after those losses. It is a crazy catch-22! If I had those children, I would not have these - and I can't imagine life without these kids! You can miss your children who are apart from you at the same time you are happy with the ones who are with you now. I can't have any more either, much as I want to. Yes, it is perfectly normal!!

Tina Marie - posted on 10/08/2009

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OMG I feel the same way I lost my 18 month old son in 2005 (he should be 6 on nov. 11) and I had another little boy the end of july this year my other kids are 8,9 and 10 (9 y/o step-daughter) I don't know if it's because Tommy's birthday (the one that passed) is approaching or it's simply the fact that there is another baby (my last/tubes tied) It doesn't help that every time I look at Bobby I see little bits of Tommy! I sometimes feel like I can't Love Bobby completly because I would be betraying Tommy (does that even make sence???)

The really crazy part is I'm a paramedic and I'm very familer with death. I'm on Zoloft for depression and ambien for a sleeping disorder I developed after Tommy's death. My ex and I are supposed share Tommy's remains and he is supposed to have him this year but I broke down and begged (ok asked since we are on good terms) him for them back. I spoke to a therapist but all she wanted to do was increase my dose of Zoloft and told me it was just post-partum depression. I was a bit depressed after Tommy's birth (partly probably because he had a repitory virus and had to be given breathing treatments every 2 hours until he was 6 months old) and I didn't feel this bad. Yet when Bobby smailes or coos at me I can't help but love him so much I don't want to let him go. I have a VERY very tiny house and I have a baby monitor right next to him with the reciver on my person or right above my head all my furniture is bolted to the walls (Tommy woke in the middle of the night and tried to climb into a small nightstand we used to keep diapers in)

Tina Marie - posted on 10/08/2009

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OMG I feel the same way I lost my 18 month old son in 2005 (he should be 6 on nov. 11) and I had another little boy the end of july this year my other kids are 8,9 and 10 (9 y/o step-daughter) I don't know if it's because Tommy's birthday (the one that passed) is approaching or it's simply the fact that there is another baby (my last/tubes tied) It doesn't help that every time I look at Bobby I see little bits of Tommy! I sometimes feel like I can't Love Bobby completly because I would be betraying Tommy (does that even make sence???)

The really crazy part is I'm a paramedic and I'm very familer with death. I'm on Zoloft for depression and ambien for a sleeping disorder I developed after Tommy's death. My ex and I are supposed share Tommy's remains and he is supposed to have him this year but I broke down and begged (ok asked since we are on good terms) him for them back. I spoke to a therapist but all she wanted to do was increase my dose of Zoloft and told me it was just post-partum depression. I was a bit depressed after Tommy's birth (partly probably because he had a repitory virus and had to be given breathing treatments every 2 hours until he was 6 months old) and I didn't feel this bad. Yet when Bobby smailes or coos at me I can't help but love him so much I don't want to let him go. I have a VERY very tiny house and I have a baby monitor right next to him with the reciver on my person or right above my head all my furniture is bolted to the walls (Tommy woke in the middle of the night and tried to climb into a small nightstand we used to keep diapers in)

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