Loss of a older child

Rene - posted on 02/20/2010 ( 35 moms have responded )

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Ok I have joined this group because it was about loosing a child.
Has anyone lost their child not during pregnancy or as a infant? I lost my daughter when she was 24. I lost her 1 1/2 years ago and the pain is just horrible, there are days that I just don't want to go one but I have a 17 year old son that needs me. The bond that my daughter and I had was like no other, we were not just mother and daughter we were best friends. I miss her so much and I would give anything to have her back.
Most support groups are just general grieve support groups and all grieve sucks but I wish there were more support groups for when you do loose a child. No one seems to understand the hurt unless they have gone through it, which I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.
Is there anyone out there who has loss a older child? How did you get through the loss? I need help before I loose it.
Thank you for listening
Rene MacDonald

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Lori - posted on 02/26/2010

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I lost my 32 yr old son on June 4, 2009. He was a type 1 diabetic from the age of 13 and the complications hit him hard his last 2 yrs of life - mostly because he refused to live the strict regime necessary for a type 1 diabetic and because the disease ravages the body on the inside every day, regardless - but we never dreamed we'd lose him so soon. He was going through valuation for kidney/pancreas transplant but never made it. The only peace I have is that he passed away peacefully, in his sleep. I don't know if AM getting through his loss. I cope as best I can but the pain is there every single day & night. All of the questions - what if I'd done this or that.. ? If only I'd known I would have... It goes on and on. I know he lived his way despite all and there was nothing I could do to change it, including his death, but it haunts me constantly. I miss him so much it actually physically hurts and it hurts that he had to go through so much during the short bit of life he had. There isn't an answer. MY prayer is that the thoughts and memories of my son will entually make me feel him with me instead of the ache from the gaping empty spot he left. I can't tell you it gets better. He's been gone 8 mos, now, and when I wake up in the morning it's like I just walked out of that hospital ER room the day before, dropping to my knees and screaming "No!" after they told me that the paramedics couldn't revive him. You're right - no one can understand except someone else who has gone through it and we all grieve differently. I didn't go to any support groups. I didn't want anyone telling me how to grieve for my son. There are several people I know who have lost their older children. A woman in my church lost her 32 yr old son, as well, and her pregnant daughter-in-law with him. It was over 2 yrs ago when I lost my son and she told me then that it was as raw as the day they got the call. My mother-in-law lost her daughter at 32 (my husband's sister) to AIDS (caught from her own husband) many yrs ago. My sister-in-law lost her 15 yr old daughter to a car accident with a drunk driver. All of them grieve and cope differently. My mother-in-law couldn't bear to have any reminders of Kathy around. I am the exact opposite. I don't WANT to forget my son. I have his pictures out everywhere. I talk about him all the time and try to honor his life as best I can. He was my son and even though it was short, he did have a life and I want his mark known that he was here and made an impression. That, I guess, is how I cope. The pain will never really go away. But I don't know if I ever want it to. I don't know if I've helped you - probably not - but know that you are not alone and as others have said, feel blessed for the time that you did have with your daughter because it will always be a part of you and your life. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.
Lori

Serena - posted on 02/25/2010

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yes, just lost my son on 11/26/09 to a drunk driver, he way 22. tommy was our 3rd child, we have 5 in all. the drunk took his life in our frunt yard and i watched him die in a fire. the drunk was going 100 mi hr with lights out. and is alive. i dont care if your child was 1 day or 50years old the pain is the same for us all. and the pain i here is the same the rest of our life. so this is our life, im new to this and im sure i one day i will learn to live with out my son. but forget NEVER he was my life. i dont think any support groups other than ones for lossing child is for us, i have lost a sister and brother and never was the pain like this. dont get me wrong i loved my sis and bro with all my hart. but this pain no one could know but a mom or dad who has lost a child. if need to talk serenaballman@yahoo.com

Marie Christine - posted on 03/11/2016

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I understand what u are going through. I lost my 28yr old son little over 6 mos ago&i am experiencing many of the same things. I am not a facebook or very good with computer but i felt compelled to post looking for understanding of the pain i feel.i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but sometimes i wish i could put someones hand on my heart and say feel this if just for a minute so they could understand the pain&total devastation i and mothers who have lost children go through no matter the age. Any good thing is always in the shadow of my sons death so to experience total happiness now is not possible. Friends family get tired i guess of dealing with our pain and sadness they want to go back to normal lives again for us that is impossible. Im sorry that we understand each other because our hearts are broken you are right some things cannot be fixed they can only be carried.

Linda - posted on 01/02/2016

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The only thing that keeps me going is to know, in my heart, that Jake wouldn't want me
to suffer unceasingly. At first you just do what you must, then begin to add things to your life because "you should". Accomplish small projects...breath through the pain when it overtakes you. Sometimes let the pain come and embrace it. But, you must try to put it away. I try to imagine my son is watching and I don't want to cause him any grief, or disappoint him or his legacy, in his family and friends lives. I WILL see him again. As you WILL see your daughter again. Know this....

Kathy - posted on 02/26/2010

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I feel for you. I lost my son when he was 18. He was in the first week of his senior year in high school. I went to a grief support group but was the only one who had lost a child. I turned to Compassionate Friends because most had lost children too. I also had younger children who needed their mother and there was support for siblings through compassionate friends. I lost my son 12 years ago. I think about him everyday but now am able to remember the happy times and not focus on his death. The hurt is unbearable and more painful than anyone else could even imagine. I know it sounds cliche but it does get more bearable with time. I took me a couple years before I could laugh again and feel joy but it did happen. It is what our children would want for us. Just know that you are not alone, there are many like you out there.
Kathy Frothingham

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Lorie - posted on 05/27/2017

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I am new to this circle I lost my only child to colon rectum cancer on 11-06 2016 he was 25 years old suffered for 2 yrs I was his caretaker we tried everything from chemoe to radiation lived in new York for a month in a trial study it was a very aggressive cancer that spread to the brain leaving him blind paralyzed and deaf his last couple of weeks.it was the most horrifying thing I have ever experienced in my life watching your only child being torchured and suffering and I couldn't stop it as a mother we want to be able to protect our children and make them feel safe and this for the first time I had no control over I can hear his voice periodically saying mom I don't want to die and me saying you are not going to die god is going to heal you after 8 months of chemoe several months of radiation the doctors tell you theres nothing more they can do so we put our faith in the lord apparently he needed him more for reasons I will never know how do you tell your child they are going to die I will have to live with this pain for the rest of my life asking god why not me I have lived a fulfilled life my son has not he never got to experience a wife kids a family he had his whole life ahead of him I feel I should have saved him he was my world my everything I would have devoted my whole life taking care of him he passed away in my arms in the comfort of our home I can still hear him breathing I still think of our future with him knowing it's not reality but in my heart I want it so bad I cant escape this pain I have I have endured a lot of loss my father my mother brother nephew but this pain is unbairable

Cheryl - posted on 11/01/2016

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It has been just about 3 years since the death of our son. I truly understand the horrible pain. Some days it is almost unbearable. It was in "Oct. that we found out he had liver cancer and a month later he passed away. We took him home from the hospital. There was nothing anyone could do we cared for him for 12 days and then I held his hand and watched him pass away. I did not believe I could go on. That was just about 3 years ago. I got a Jesus Calling book which helped me a lot. My faith in God also helped me. Trying to do the best I can just taking 1 day and living that day to the fullest.Talking to someone about it often helps. I talk with my husband. The most sad and hard thing is you can not make it ok. I do not understand any of this so the only thing I can do is trust in God to get me through all this. I believe there has to be something better and that is heaven where we can all move on to happier and better things. Praying for you and for the pain you are in.

Sandy - posted on 03/05/2016

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I think your coping is so much harder than my coping of my 19 yr old daughters death. I just have to picture the car I saw and knowing it had to be extracted from her body in pieces cause that was what was left of her. You have to deal with could I have said something , done something, changed anything, missed anything? It was not your fault! You too are left with a brutal picture of her death in your mind mind for forever to play over and over. I hope you get over that part. Good Luck. Another Grieving Mom.

Sandy - posted on 01/02/2016

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How lucky for you to have younger children who loved and needed you. Your life still had purpose, I had but 1 child and she died at 19 just 4 yeas ago on 4-25-11 in a horrific car accident alone by herself going from college to work.

Sandy - posted on 01/02/2016

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You WILL NEVER be the same, EVER! You have buried your child. You can't be the person you were and family/friends will never understand you because they can't comprehend your pain nor you not being able to get on with your life. They disappear one by one, they don't want your grief to touch their lives. What if it was contagious? They become insensitive idiots and you are very fortunate to have 5 people who want to still be in your life. I can only die when it is GODS will. I have to be with my dead child in Heaven. I lost my 19 yr old daughter in a horrific car accident 44-25-11 a and I'm at a stage here I have blocked all memories of her because the pain would not stop!! I can barely look at her portrait above the mantle! Months go by before I sneak a peak! I've gone thru 5 weeks, 5 times each week of 6 hours each day of grief therapy, psychologist for years, spiritual,reiki therapy, depression meds, more ekly therapy and I AM SICK OF TALKING ABOUT IT! I just want to hide and leave me alone. Some things broken can NOT be fixed.

Linda - posted on 12/28/2015

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Me too...my 23 yr old son collapsed and died alone at work on Nov 8th, 2015...I am not coping...it just gets worse everyday...he has a twin sister...everyone says it will get easier but I can't see that happening. He was my husbands best friend and my rock. We have 3 other kids counting my daughter. I think it's difficult for Moms because we couldn't help them...hang in there and know you are not alone. I take it one minute at a time.

Sandy - posted on 10/28/2015

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I too feel as you do. I want the Lord to take me so I can be with my family, be happy with them and take me out of this hell on earth.

Sandy - posted on 10/28/2015

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I also lost my 19 yr old 4 yrs ago. I too can not move on. I have no interest in life, family have distanced from me cause they can't stand to see my grief. Only a few close friends have stayed at my side. My health collapsed 2 yrs after her death neurologically and now at age 58 I'm on disability. Now no contact with coworkers after a lifetime as an accounting clerk/receptionist/secretary. I have a little Shih Tzu dog I love. My life sucks!

Dlholland80 - posted on 09/09/2015

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I lost my son Michael 7/20/14. He just turn 34 7/15 He was stabbed to death in a parking lot by a 17 year old He has ran to Mexico and we are still waiting for paperwork to go after him. I miss my son so much. He was in the Navy for 14 years. I miss being able to call him. I miss his post on Facebook. I miss him giving his sister a hard time. I just miss knowing he is on this earth. I want my son back. I hate my life.

User - posted on 04/02/2013

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My daughter Rochelle birthday is Dec 6 also
I miss here so much
She passed away Dec 30 2009
the pain gets better but Im sad some days more than others.
We hung around every day together. When I see something that reminds me of her the sadness is there. It never really leaves. You learn how to live with it.
God has a way of letting me know it will be ok. He loves us and we have to have faith.
This is a temporary place we will all be together some day.
People struggle with additions almost all of us, in some way hers was just herion.
Food can be a addition too, etc. God knows are hearts. Maybe some day you can help someone who has lost a loveone. Remember this is not our home were just passin through

Linda - posted on 03/19/2013

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I also lost my 24 daughter from a heroin overdose . She past away on Jan. 5, 2013. She had been struggling with her addiction for about 3 years. She went into detox last year on my birthday. She went to a 1 year drug community. She had made bounds and leaps with her addiction. She had 8 months of being clean and sober. She turned 24 on dec. 6, 2012. We had a wonderful birthday celebration and we had a wonderful xmas with the family. Then Jan 5th she relapsed and it killed her. My heart is shattered. I miss her so much There are days when i don't want to live anymore. But i know that would be selfish to my family and friends. I journal to her every night. That helps even through the tears. i go to a support group at my church which helps alot for awhile. Some days it is 1 day at a time, some days just an hour at a time.

Hope this helps.
I also see a grief support counselor but the pain is always there.
Hope this helps somewhat.

Ann Marie - posted on 03/07/2013

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I didnt know life was suppose to be so hard. My daughters name is Rochelle she just turned 30 I miss her so much. I think about heaven where she is my dreams, visions. Shes not dead shes in her new home with jesus. I saw a vision of a lamb after she died.
she went in her sleep they did a autopsy but undetermined. No cause. But she always knew she was going. I dont understand how she knew. But god made us were not suppose to understand I quess. Life is so short we have to keep going for our family and friends. So hard I cry everyday.

Ann Marie - posted on 03/07/2013

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yes my daughter was 30 she passed away in dec 30 2009
it is so hard every day all day I think about her I miss her so much
She was my best friend we did everything together

Sandra - posted on 01/04/2013

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dear renee jan 18 2013 will be 5 years since i lost my oldest daughter jamie, at that time she was 32, had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. by the time we found out what was wrong it was to late to do any thing. not that there is much that can be done for that type of cancer but i would have given anything to keep her. she lived 6 months after the diagnoses we got to celebrate another set of holidays together and i will always be thankful for those times. she loved the holidays. oct was halloween nov 19 she turned 32 than came thanksgiving. she got weaker as the weeks went by but god love her she hung in for christmas and the new year. days after the new year it all went down hill. she became very week by early jan she was in a coma and hospice was in my house. we had the opportunity to have some serious heart to heart conversations. i will always cherish that quality time as she made me make her 3 promises, one to always love her son. she was in a gay relationship and he is not hers bioligically but he is and always will be my grandson. he is 9 now and i have him 4 days a week. she also wanted me to know that she was ok with what was happening an needed to know that i would grieve but stay strong an go on the 3rd was that she had a friend that was pregnent an she feared she would go back to drugs after jamies death and she had no family to help her with the baby, i promised that i would not let zak ever get into the system as long as i was alive. what she forgot to tell me was that 3 weeks after her death cps removed zak from his mother an i had a brand new baby to raise. people thought i was crazy but i felt like he was a gift from god to help me smile at a time so diffucult and that he did. i had him for 2 years an by the grace of god his mom got her act together and got him back, he is still a grandson to me. well now that i rattled on so long the point of all this is to let you know with time the pain gets easier and when you think of your child an remember some good memories they will make you smile again, but the hole in your heart will never close it just gets easier and you will smile and laugh again. i hope this helps some. god bless and happy new year'''sandi

Lynne - posted on 10/07/2012

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Hi I came upon this web site by accident and am I glad I did. I lost my beautiful caring daughter on Dec 12th 2008 very very suddenly we did not even know she was poorly but she died of bronical phnumonis, sepsis and emphya she was only 19 and trainig to be a paedriatric nurse.

I miss her so much and cry all the time, Ihave 3 other daughters 2 married with children and one who is in remission of cancer, if it was not for her I would not be here, as I miss Vicki so much and just want to be with her. I dont enjoy anything anymore and my marriage is in tatters. I feel I have no-one to talk to as my friends feel I should be getting better by now but even after 4 year the pain is sooo raw and I want to cry all day, I cant believe she is not coming home, and wonder what she would be doing now. It helps to kanow that other mothers feel the same and that I am not alone in the world x

Rosemary - posted on 10/01/2012

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Hi Debbie, I went to your daughter's website- so beautiful and your site was helpful to me. I'm so sorry for your loss. She is so pretty and so special.

I lost my beautiful daughter July 16, 2012 on her birthday and my wedding anniversary. I am really lost right now but I'm finding some type of solace knowing others do understand some of my sorrow. The things you say are exactly how I feel.

Thanks for sharing.

Love,

rosemary

Penny - posted on 10/01/2012

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To Rene, I too lost my best friend and daughter at the age of 31. I really have no suggestions. It has been over 3 years and some days are unbearable. I wish I had a friend who knew what this is. I hate pretending that everything is ok. I don't feel grateful for the time we had. I am grateful that she was in my life, but would have preferred her to still be here.. I wanted her to have children and watch me grow old. I have days where I think I can survive. In the beginning, I didn't. It will never be as it had been. Losing a child is losing a piece of your heart. I am sorry that any of us have to experience this.

Rosemary - posted on 09/30/2012

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Your daughter is gorgeous. I'm so sorry for your loss. My daughter died July 16, 2012 on her 30th birthday and my anniversary...hit and run accident and the driver wasn't found. (can be googled Claire Rose hit and run Santa Monica). I am very truamatized and sad.

Love,

Rosemary

ELLORA - posted on 09/08/2012

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My heart breaks for all mothers who have lost a child.I lost my only child......my son YASH on15th Dec2011 all of a sudden in his sleep to a sudden cardiac arrest.I am so devastated ...i do not know why i am alive and what is the reason of my existence.My son was 21yrs 7 mnths 20 days old.He was in final yr college,a guitarist and composer,a football player and had no major health problems.

Kathleen - posted on 08/31/2012

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I lost my son Ben May, 30th 2012, he was 20 years old. His death was a very sudden, tragic accident. My pain is so strong that I don't know what to do with it. I'm so lost. I just want him back. Can someone please say something that can help?

Jojo - posted on 08/31/2012

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Rene, I totally understand your loss. My daughter Ellis suffered from Cystic fibrosis, In 2010 I was watching her die she was just turned 19, then a miracle, she received a heart and double lung transplant. The joy at having this chance and getting back my vibrant beautiful girl was all I could ever want. Sadly after a pretty healthy year she went into chronic rejection and by September 2011, Ellis was once again, in a wheelchair dependent on oxygen 24/7, and once again I was watching her life fade away. She passed away on 16th April 2012, and I am struggling to come to terms with this. I have a son of 4 who needs me, but the bond I shared with Ellis was special, I knew what she was thinking, what she needed, equally she understood me like no one else could. I know it's early days, only 4 months, and I'm doing all the normal things, I'm breathing and smiling but inside I just feel emptiness. I promised Ellis before she passed away that I would continue her blog, at the time, I didn't really understand why she would want me to do this, but I guess it shows she knew me better than I knew myself, writing down my thought and keeping her memory alive does in a small way help. If you would like to read the blog - http://smeg91.blogspot.co.uk/ x

Rene - posted on 03/09/2010

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Thank you to everyone that wrote to me, we really are a special group of people.
Your words have helped, at least I know I am not going crazy because most of you feel the same things I do and have even done what I have done.
Thanks again and if any of you need to talk I am here for you too.

Judith - posted on 03/01/2010

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i lost my son 15 yrs. ago from 2 many open heart surgery. at age 20 right after his brithday . had saint judes heart valve. after 4 open heart sur. iwould like 2 say it gets better it really dont. take one day at a time. if it wasnt 4 my other kids i would of snaped.

Sharon - posted on 02/28/2010

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To all of you Moms who have lost a child - my heartfelt sympathy. My daughter, Amanda, passed away on August 8, 2005 - she had just turned 3. I still ache with the loss of her. I have an older daughter (now 13) and she is how I survived. I focus my love and attention on her - she and I are extremely close. My husband did not deal well with losing Amanda. He died in December 8, 2009 - most likely due to his severe depression. While I understood his pain, I just could not understand how he could not be there for Rhianna.

At this point, I feel Amanda with me always in all ways - when I need a lift, she is right there beside me. When I feel I cannot go on, I know that she would want me to. The pain and sorrow of losing her will never ever go away. But, it has gotten more manageable with time.

Try to honor the memory of your child. I try to focus on living my life for her now, too - that means doing the best that I can to make her proud. Take care of yourself - you have others around who need you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Robyn - posted on 02/28/2010

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I lost my only daughter July 28,2009 to suicide. She was 29 years old. I know how you feel and I still am trying to cope. There is not any words to convey the hurt and loss I feel. I sometimes wonder if I will ever get past this. My husband and I have been taking care of her children , 10 year daughter and 6 year son , since this tragedy. I miss her so much. I go to counseling and I have to take medication to sleep and to stop the nightmares. I found my daughter in the bathtub with several knives, razorblades, and she shot herself in the head. I just wish she was still here. I love her so much and I miss her even more. I went to a support group called HUGS and it helped to be able to share my pain with people that understood and shared my grief. I send my prayers and compassion to you. It is the hardest thing in my life I have had to deal with as I am sure with you to. I handle my life one day at a time. So far it hasn't got any easier but I am hoping with time it will but I doubt it. How does a mother get over a loss of her child? I try to remember the good times I had with my daughter. She was a beautiful girl inside and out. Try to hang in there. I will be trying too.

Lisa - posted on 02/26/2010

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Hi Rene,



You are not alone in losing a child. I lost my son on July 21, 2008. He was 17. He was born with multiple health conditions and over the years they gradually got worse. His health started going downhill in 07. I had to make the hardest decision a mother should never have to make and that is taking him off the vent and let him die peacefully. That is what I did, but I also talked to him and that was what he wanted. I miss him very much and the pain will always be there, will never go away, but it will ease eventually. I have pictures of him up and talk to him and give him kisses everyday. At first it was very difficult, the first year being the hardest, especially christmas, for that was his favorite holiday. I go to his grave at least once a month or more to visit with him. No one knows how it feels to lose a child unless they have lost one of their own. Everyone deals with it differently. I have an older child, who kinda got pushed to the side when my son was alive for he spent a lot of time in the hospital and needed 24/7 care. Now that he has passed, my daughter and I are very close. We think about him and talk about him all the time and remember all the good memories he gave us to reflect on. It will take time but I know in my case that the pain eases up and the memories stay.

Lisa

Donita - posted on 02/25/2010

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Hi Rene,
Know that you are not alone. I just recently lost my son in September, he was 25. It was very unexpected, he caught a cold that let into the flu and then pnemonia in a course of 6 days and not once did he miss work because he just thought he had a cold and could self medicate himself.
Not a day goes by that when I wake up he is the first thing I think about and the last thing on my mind when my head hits the pillow each night. I have pictures of him all around and some on his belongings with them. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact I will never here his big rolling laughter or his big bear hugs he used to give me.
I still cry all the time and carry his picture in a locket around my neck. And I talk about him all the time and I can never let him be forgotten, that is my biggest fear of all.
Please know there is other parents out there going through what you and I are going through, and no matter how old your child is when they pass it is the greatest pain of all and read somewhere that grieving parents will be rewarded greatly when it is our time. We are in a VERY SPECIAL Circle of Mothers.
Hugs to you!

Toni - posted on 02/25/2010

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Im so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that I am close with my mom like you said you and your daughter were- and my mom makes my life special every day- im 24 also. There is no bond like mom and daughter from what ive seen so far in my life, my mom has always been there for me and i love her more then anything. Im sure your daughter felt the same way about you. I also know the pain you face- of losing a child- my son was 8 months- but i feel that our pain is also different in many ways. I hope you can be comforted by knowing how close you and your daughter were- and how much you meant to each other. all the best, take care. Toni*

Debbie - posted on 02/25/2010

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Hi Rene, I lost my daughter Jan 12 2008. Her name was kayla and she just turned 16 on Dec 02 07 and was killed in a auto accident Jan 12 08. She also was my best friend.
She was a amazing girl. Its been just over 2 yrs now and i still cant handle the pain. I feel like one of these days im just gonna lose it. I CANT HANDLE IT !! :(
My house is filled with pictures of Kayla..I often go to her grave and just sit there on the ground and talk to her. I have a small picture of kayla on my night stand, i kiss her each morning and night before going to bed, and even sneak a kiss durning the day, and i tell her how much i love and miss her.. Im suffering from major depression because of my loss..its so hard. My problem is i just cant get my brain to beleive she is gone. She was killed on my parents 50th anniversary. We were at the hall that morning decorating for that night when the police came there to tell me the news. The surprise party never took place..and my parents wont celabrate another anniversary..they say its a day they dont want to remember.
Rene i just wanted you to know your not alone..i know exactly how your feeling.
My heart goes out to you..
www.kayla-ludwig.last-memories.com

Debbie

Tonya - posted on 02/21/2010

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There are other women here, I know for a fact because I've spoken to them. I lost my best friend in 2000 when she was 24. It was the same type of bond; we were close as sisters or twins. But after I lost my daughter I realized not even that grief came close to what it felt like when I lost my daughter.



All I can tell you is that you have to focus on the positive to get you through. You had obviously 24 incredible years with a very important person. You are so lucky and blessed for having had that opportunity. Don't forget that while you're in the throes of your pain.



(hugs)

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