Loss of Son

Tanya - posted on 03/09/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )

7

4

0

My husband and I lost our precious baby boy in November. It was ruled SIDS. He was nine days short of being seven months old. I guess...I'm just trying to make it through. We have a daughter that will be 3 in May.



Our son, Atticus, was born on Easter Sunday last year. Ever since they've started putting Easter things up, I can hardly stand to leave the house. I can't stand to see or hear baby boys, including my friend's babies.



What I hate the most are people that say stupid/hurtful things whether they mean to or not (or if they think they're being helpful, they're the worst).



Since I lost him, I have heard:

We are lucky we still have our daughter.

We're lucky that he wasn't our first/only child.

That he's lucky that he died when he did. (This was at work!)

I'm selfish for grieving.



I've also been praised on how well I seem to be "handling" it, based on posts I've put on Facebook. Anyone else censor what you put up so that people don't avoid you any more than they already are?

17 Comments

View replies by

Doreen - posted on 09/30/2013

1

0

0

I lost my oldest child, my son 10 years ago. He was died on his 16th birthday from heart disease. At the time I had 1 daughter that was 2yrs younger then he. So I had really no choice but to make life as normal as possible for her.( whatever could be our normal , after our loss) How could I stop, that would send her the message that she was not as important as her brother. I had my Mother and my grandfather that I also needed me. I had to be strong for all of them, so they could deal with his death. there are really no words to express the heart-break one feels. life does go on but not a day goes by without missing him.
Shortly after his death I became pregant with twins. I was horrified. People say the most hurtful things. No one child can ever replace another. No one can tell you to move on, you do what you need to do. Life always goes on... You never loose that empty, broken hearted feeling. I adore all my children, just because my son has passed doesn't stop my love for him. I think about him always and as a Mother I can never stop loving him. I know that not everyone can understand this loss but people need to not compare nor make idiotic statements. Walk a mile in my shoes then you could understand.

Sabrina - posted on 04/26/2012

11

23

0

Shan-Nei: I am amazed at how closely I can relate to you. I had my daughter at 22 weeks and 4 days. The next day was Easter and I was able to celebrate it with my other two daughters. I was still in shock so I think that helped a little bit but I don't know what next year will bring.

Shan-Nel - posted on 04/26/2012

20

0

0

Julie it is rare that I can say I can strongly relate someone's else loss to my own but I gave birth to and loss my daughter, Ashley, on Good Friday last April 2011. I loss her at 21 weeks due to a placental abruption. They released me on Easter. This year both days were especially hard. I can only imagine the extra strength is must take to still have to be there for your daughter on that day. I am so sorry you loss your son just as I am that I loss my daughter. Hugs.



http://deathofababycopedealandheal.blogs...

Sabrina - posted on 04/24/2012

11

23

0

I just lost my daughter. She was a stillborn so I couldn't possibly know what you guys are going through but there are a few things that I have taken from therapy that might also be helpful.



1. I was offered to not view it as death but as a birth to Jesus. That helps thinking that my baby was born into heaven and maybe even being held by Mary herself until I can hold my baby when I join her.



2. Instead of grieving year round (the date I found out I was pregnant, when we received the news, the day she died, two days later when she was born, when I was due, etc), pick a day and celebrate the memory. There is a man my therapist knows that lost his wife and he celebrates her life every memorial day. While their anniversary, her birthday and her date of death were still hard to deal with at first, it made it easier than being miserable each of those days.



What I take from the second one is not to act as if my child never existed but not drown myself in misery either. I will celebrate her on the day she was born and remind my children that they have another sibling...she is just an angel instead of one that we get to play with and pick on.



I have heard pretty aweful things as well since my daughter died but not ones I feel should be shared. In our case, it was good that she went when she did. She would have suffered with the medical conditions that she had. SIDS is awful and I wish there was something that could help but healing happens in our own ways and in our own time.



Good luck and let those people know that those are the wrong things to say. That way, if they encounter a similar situation, they don't get physically injured by a distraught parent.

Gladys - posted on 04/17/2012

1

0

0

I know how it feels i lost my son too, it was a stillbirth, i was 8 months old. People don't understand the pain in our hearts, they don't see that we are hurting because we lost apart of us. All i can say is that sometimes you feel better and sometimes you will feel like crap but just always remember he is always in your heart.

Silvia - posted on 04/15/2012

30

0

6

Im so sorry for the loss of your son. Some people can be so cruel. My daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks in 2010. I have had people say to me at least it happened early. It doesn't matter how early you lose a child, it is still your child and the pain is unbearable. I'm so sorry that cruel people have said that to you. As far as as saying your selfish for grieving. That is rediculous! Its your child, of course your going to grieve. I have since had another daughter but that hasn't stop my grieving for my first. Now people say that at least have my second daughter. I tell them, yes im happy I have her but she doesn't replace my first. I feel like people think that those who lose their babies early shouldn't be as sad as those with later losses. I wish they would realize any loss of a child is tragic. I do have people say that I'm handling my loss well but that's just because I try not to bring it up, people who havn't gone through it just don't understand. It's been 21 months and I still cry everyday. I'm sorry again for your loss. It's not fair :-(

Beverly - posted on 04/15/2012

30

14

3

so sorry for your loss. yes, you may have your daughter but she can't take the place of your son yes, you have to be there for her. until they have walked in your shoes they don't know if he was lucky to die when he did. i lost my only son 12 yrs. ago and he was 17 1/2 and i think of him each and every day it will get easier but there is days when you think i won't get by but with the help of God and family and friends you will make it my love and prayer goes out to you. yes, he was my only child if anyone else reads this and is wondering thanks hope this helps you out. no you are not selfish for grieving.

Kristi - posted on 04/11/2012

3

0

0

i know exactly how you feel Tanya...i too lost a child to sids 22 years ago, and on march 10 2012 one month ago, i lost my other son at 16 years old due to heart failure...i still have 2 daughters, which i am so grateful for....the child i lost to sids was my firstborn, so the others did not know him, but i always talked about him, so it was like they had really known him...for my firstborn, time did seem to heal and we all moved on with our lives, we did not forget but the pain got easier....but now that i lost my boy that i raised for 16 years and got to know the human being he was becoming, i find myself wallowing in despair, i don't think the love of even my daughters can help me through this, because he was still my child, a seperate human being, who i nourished and gave birth to seperately from my other children, who i love so much, but i know i would be feeling the same way if it was one of my daughters, i could have 20 children, and i would completely feel the loss of that one missing child, that voice is that is forever silenced....you are not lucky to have a child, you are blessed....no one knows the shoes you walk in, execpt for the people who have suffered such a devastaing loss, i know of your pain, but i don't know your exact pain, only because no one else but you suffered the loss of your child, as no one but me suffered the loss of my child....i hope we can help eachother with this pain, i don't know how i'm gonna move on with the rest of my life, i feel so guilty on many counts...all i know is that i miss my son so much and cry hard everyday....i love my girls so much as well, so for them i have to move on, and for him as well...but don't ever feel selfish for grieving, you have that right to grieve for the rest of your life, and we have no choice but to handle it...but were doing it in our own private hell

Andrea - posted on 03/28/2012

37

2

4

Sorry to hear about your son. I lost my son 2 years ago at seven months old. He was born at 24 weeks and weighed 1lb and 10ozs. he had some complications but we were lucky to get to bring him home. although his life on earth was short he touched our lives in a way that noone will ever understand. He was our first and only child. I joined the March of Dimes but it only helps a little bit. I will never forget the day we had to take him off of life support or the day the doctor told me he was brain dead. It really dont get easier or it hasnt for me but Ive learned to live with it.

Amanda - posted on 03/19/2012

3

17

0

I am sorry to hear that i lost my first and only baby 5 years ago since i have gone down a long road of drinking and depresion you are not lucky i also heard all the above and more in time things get easier a little but you will need to give yourself time you are far from selfish for grieving you will find a way just be strong

Sara - posted on 03/18/2012

4

1

0

It has been almost twenty years since my son died (his death was diagnosed as SIDS). I can relate to much of what you have said. One of the things that I found so very helpful was to have other parents who had been through something similar to talk to. There are two websites from which you might be able to find some support. They are both national organizations and one of the jobs they do is to provide support to parent who have had babies die of SIDS and other sudden unexpected causes of death. They are http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-fami... and http://www.cjsids.org/grief-and-bereavem... First Candle also has a support group on Facebook and can be found at https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/38923666957/ If you would like some help in finding support more local to you, don't hesitate to contact me. I took a job with the agency in Missouri (SIDS Resources, Inc) over 5 years ago and I can look through lists I have. I know how very difficult this is for you right now. I also agree with you that things that those who have never been through this can say can be so hurtful. I think that having contact with those that understand the impact of this type of grief can be so helpful.

Meredith - posted on 03/17/2012

12

40

2

my son has been gone 9 years now....n ive heard those same things, n have even had my friends get mad at me if im having a bad time around his birthday or anniversary of his death...im so sorry for ur loss, n for everyones loss on here...wish nobody had to knw this feeling....much luv to u!!!!

Dixie - posted on 03/16/2012

10

0

1

Im sorry for ur lost........ I lost my little boy befor i could even hold him the only time i got to hold him was when he was already dead on the way too the hospital... I had him too earlie and at home so he aint make it his name was Gabriel... Im realy sorry for wat people have said to u i have got some bad ones too...... Some say that im locky that i aint have him all the way then he die.......Some say ill have more babes.....And the day after my son died i had a female blowing my phn up trying to get n touch with my husband telling me that when i dnt have him on a lesh he with her and she kept up with this for two days i wanted to hurt her soooooooooo bad........... Im very sorry thouh it took me awhile to feel better i had alot of break downs today is a month that he been gone.....All i can tell u is pray cause thats what helpt me......

Kavita - posted on 03/13/2012

14

1

0

Dear Tanya

Iam sorry for your loss.I lost my daughter when she was nine years old 2 years back.No one can understand what you are going through.for others it is a forgotten story and they feel that every thing has become normal where as things can never be the same.I really feel pity and keep asking god why you send these angels to us if they are to stay only for so short period.Please be strong and just pray.

Julie - posted on 03/11/2012

3

0

2

Absolutely. All of that. I am so sorry you lost your love.



Our son passed away at ten months last April on Good Friday. Facebook felt so irrelevant for a long time. I never post there about our son because I can't trust that there won't be some wretched "lucky you" kind of comment. Spring is tough for us, too because we have a four-year-old daughter who needs to celebrate and enjoy Easter. But it hurts like mad.



As for the hurtful things that people say, I have no answers. I know it helps me to know I am not alone. You're not alone.



And feel free to disconnect. To sensor or not to sensor your posts. Do what feels right for you. It's your turn to lean. If this isn't time for friends and family to give you unconditional love and support, then no time is.



Take care of yourself.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms