My Ben would have been 28 in 2 weeks

Linda - posted on 11/08/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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We lost our Ben to colon cancer Sept 9, 2008--I still hurt as much as I did the day he died, some days are better than others, but as his birthday gets near, I find I am getting more and more down--his brothers promised him they would have a big party every year on his birthday (he loved a good party)--I am not sure I can do it--thought about doing something else but the boys had a fit, said it would just "be wrong" to not be there. I seem to be hearing more and more--it is time to get on with life--even my husband told me that once not long ago--I don't think I am ready. The last week has been really bad for some reason, but feel almost guilty for being so sad when the brothers are planning this big cookout/bonfire party.

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Barbara - posted on 11/11/2009

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What I noticed in the 8 years since my son was killed in a car accident is that when I have high anxiety about an event it is so much better than I thought. The opposite has also been true. When I thought it would be okay, I've had to leave. There is no way to predict how a situation will make you respond. We have celebrated Adam's days all 8 years. My husband had the most resistance every year up to the last 4. He helps plan it now and we look so forward to seeing friends and family who also miss Adam and loved him. Someone else said to relish the memories his friends have. I LOVE it when they are here helping to keep him and his funny, goofy, joking self alive. Try it and see how it is. Don't even think oyu won't cry cause you will but that is part of our healing. Pushing it away and "maybe another time", well when will be the right time? If it doesn't work out and you really hated it don't do it again. Seriously, how do you know unless you try it. You may start to look forward to it like my husband does. I wish you peace in your heart as you move forward in your grief journey.
www.beautifulmourning.com

Kimberly - posted on 11/11/2009

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Hi Linda, We lost our son Joshua in 2003 unexpectedly in a car crash. The anniversary of his death just passed and the entire month of October I am edgy and emotional. This is still very early in the process for you. I went to my doctor about my blood pressure and asked what I could do about the depression and anxiety. He gave me an anti-depressant. I am a nurse and have resisted taking medication for this for a long time. I can say, it is really helping me, but it has been 6 years since our loss. As for you, my best suggestion is to go with your gut response. You didn't make this promise to Ben, your other sons did. It amazes me how people pressure others to do what they think will be healing. I agree with Julie above. If you can, just say "I'm sorry, but I don't feel like celebrating, I hope you can understand and maybe next time". Birthdays and anniversaries of the death can be hard. I try not to commemorate any day and that seems to help me right now. I go about my day like any other, so I definitely understand your sensitivity. Being honest about how you feel is the best thing and if other people don't consider your feelings, that is shameful. Take care and I pray you find comfort and healing soon.

Terry - posted on 11/09/2009

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first son at the age of 3 days and experienced so much pain for such a long time. He would have been 38 on Oct. 24th. I too, still find myself saddened when the anniversary date comes back around. Having said that, I know that the pain of losing an older child would be so much worse, as my love for my children has grown as they have. One of my greatest fears is that I will lose one of them now that they are grown. I can't even imagine living through that pain, but I know that we do. Don't push yourself, everyone grieves at their own pace. I have found that for me it helps to talk about my Tony and relive the few short moments I had with him. Please try to attend his party and you may find that it helps you as well. Please be kind to yourself and don't think badly of others that tell you to "Get over it." They mean well and just don't want you to be hurting. It is so hard for our friends and loved ones to know the right things to say. Time will "soften" the pain just as Robyn said. In the meantime, know that your family and friends love you and miss him too.

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Mary - posted on 11/15/2009

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I don't think we ever really move on and people that say that haven't lost a child. It has been 6 years since my 25 year old son took his life. 1 week after his birthday, so I am pretty emotional the whole month of October. His birthday and a week later on his death anniversary, I still need time to be by myself, preferably in bed, to grieve.

My son always told me that he did not want a funeral, but a big party. We had a huge party for him and video taped his friends sharing their good memories of him. This was for his memory and something for his children to have and know their father was a great guy loved by all. There was laughing and crying, the first he would have wanted and the second he would have understood. The day after me and his closest friends took his ashes to a spot he told me brought him so much peace to be. I had engraved heart urns made for me and his 2 daughters to wear on necklaces, so he will always be close to our hearts.

Sometimes, the hardest things to do, will bring you the most peace. But, that being said, everyone grieves differently. You must do what is right for you, just as your other sons will and they will need to understand it. But, one thing that struck me by your post was that your son requested that before he died, like my son requested a huge party wake. I was not at all up to it, but wild horses would not have been able to keep me away from it, because this is what he wanted and that was more important than what I wanted.

RICKI - posted on 11/14/2009

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LEARN TO SMILE AGAIN.CELEBRITE WHAT YOU HAD AND HAVE WHILE YOU HAVE IT OUR CHILDREN ARE PRECIOUS

Serafina - posted on 11/13/2009

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my oldest son 11 years ago due to a car accident he was 20. The entire month of October is also bad for me. I don't seem to function very well. 3 years ago in March, I lost my 3 month old granddaughter to SIDS. I can tell you that it never gets better. Everyone told me that eventually you will feel better... This is of course from people who never suffered such a loss. It hasn't gotten any better. Oh yes there are days that are good when I think of the joy they both brought to my life, but how i miss the hugs, kisses and from my son, the daily "I love you Mom".



If celebrating his birthday is good for you then by all means do it. Don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for how you handle the death of your child. I have 6 other children and never really got a chance to grieve for either my son or my granddaughter, because I had to be the strong one and help everyone else deal with their feelings. Especially when it came to my granddaughter, she died on her mom's (my daughter) birthday. Every year my daughter is reminded of the horrible reality of losing her precious 3 month old baby on a day when she should be celebrating. I'm so very sorry for everyone on here who experienced a similar loss. I truly think this is the best thing that I have joined on facebook because I'm finally able to share how I have been feeling for the past 11 years. Thank you to all of you, and I will keep each and every one of you in my prayers. Thank you for listening.

Elsie - posted on 11/13/2009

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We all deal with the loss of our children in our own way ... the boys are celebrating Ben's life. As hard as it may be to deal with go to the party just for a little while ... you may find, as people talk about Ben, memories that you didn't know about and yes it's still ok to cry ... they may even be happy tears from some of the stories. You have made it through some major rough times ... his first birthday gone ... first holiday season gone. You will make it through this ...

It'll be 2 years December 26th since Chris died, which happens to be my other son's birthday. His birthday was February 6, which he shared with a cousin (born with hours of him) and an uncle. I have a hard time because I still have to celebrate birthdays on the day he died as well as the day he was born. I just take some time by myself and talk to him ... let him know he's never far from my heart or my thoughts.

I hope this helps ... best of luck and my condolences to you and your family on your loss.

Elsie Murray Wight

Cherie - posted on 11/13/2009

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(((Hugs))) Linda. We lost our 15yr old son 3yrs ago. He would have been turning 19 on the 24 Nov. It is ok to feel that way and if you are unable to be there, that should be ok as well. Maybe sit down and really explain to them how you are feeling, and that you will be there if you can but not to be angry with you if you aren't. I hear that that as well, 'you need to move on', but that comes from people who still have all their children, they have no idea of the hole in your life, the pain that is there every day. You will be ready in your own time, men seem to grieve differently than us and at 1 stage i did get annoyed with my husband as he didn't seem to get how i was feeling, but it was just that he was in a different stage than me.

Doris - posted on 11/13/2009

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Linda please let us know how the party went. As I just lost my Eddie Oct.28, 2009, his 22nd birthday is November 28th. I know it will be a very hard day. No parties planned, I think its to soon to plan anything. So sorry for your loss. This is the worse time of my life. I thought lossing my mom and youngest sister was hard, this is by far harder.

Doris - posted on 11/13/2009

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I just lost my Eddie Oct. 28, 2009. I am trying to go on with everyday life but life as I knew it is gone forever. I have another son Tony who is 33years old and 2 garandchildren, Eddie's dad, a very large family and many friends, all of whom are there for me. As much as I love them all, I'm still empty without my Eddie. Eddie had Cyctis Fibrosis, he was 21 years. I knew the day would come when he would leave us but not this soon. I'm lost!!

Doris - posted on 11/13/2009

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Quoting Linda:

My Ben would have been 28 in 2 weeks

We lost our Ben to colon cancer Sept 9, 2008--I still hurt as much as I did the day he died, some days are better than others, but as his birthday gets near, I find I am getting more and more down--his brothers promised him they would have a big party every year on his birthday (he loved a good party)--I am not sure I can do it--thought about doing something else but the boys had a fit, said it would just "be wrong" to not be there. I seem to be hearing more and more--it is time to get on with life--even my husband told me that once not long ago--I don't think I am ready. The last week has been really bad for some reason, but feel almost guilty for being so sad when the brothers are planning this big cookout/bonfire party.


 

Linda - posted on 11/12/2009

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I find that reading all of the lovely things helps--My heart goes out to everyone in their loss--this is a case of being able to say that--for the most part--I know how you feel--and that is why each word you have sent to me means so much--I am still not sure what I will do about the party--but I will let you know--bless you all

Lori - posted on 11/12/2009

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I lost my son Connor to Cancer on Aug 30, 2008. He would have been 19 on Oct 11th this year. I still struggle every day and ask why this had to happen to such a healthy young boy. He fought for over 2 years. I still feel like my world is a complete mess and I feel like I will never recover. It really makes me mad when people say get on with your life. My children are my life and with one of them gone our family seems so broken and disjointed. If you aren't ready then you aren't ready Linda. Don't let anyone try to rush your grief.

Joan - posted on 11/11/2009

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My daughter would have been 28 on Oct. 29th. We lost her on Oct 10th, 1983 and there are times that it stillhurts as mucn, like you said, especially when it gets close to her birthday. My kids are what kept me going and maybe having this party is part of how they deal with it so you being there may be very important to the, By helping them, you may find it helps you too. It really hasn't been that long for you. Don't let anyone ever tell you when it is time to move on, you must find that on your own and you will. Spend time with your kids and if you have a religion to believe in, faith is a great help. Also, I found that talking to others who lost children was a big help too. You will find your own way. My prayers are with you.

Kimberly - posted on 11/11/2009

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Hi Robyn, don't feel badly about the ashes. It took me a year to pick my son's ashes up. My husband couldn't even "know" that they were in the house. He didn't want to come across them, so I didn't know where to put them. The funeral home was nice enough to keep them for that time. God bless you and I hope you are hanging in there.

Terry - posted on 11/10/2009

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I lost both of my parents to lung cancer. They were in their 60's when they died, 2 years apart. I am a nurse and I encouraged them to stop, tried to educate them to the dangers, even begged them too. All to no avail. In the end I had to accept the fact that it was their lives and I couldn't stop for them. Of course, it was me and my brother and our children that lost out in the long run. I miss them both deeply and feel that I have been robbed. My brother continued to smoke, as well as his teenage boys. Even though I was very hard on them. The greatest thing is that my brother stopped smoking about a 1 1/2 years ago and is still smoke free. It took him 7 years after we lost our mom to finally quit smoking. Don't feel guilty about the life choices that your children have made. We can only control our actions no one else's.

Please know that my heart is going out to you as well as Robyn and Dorie for your recent losts. The pain will lesson as time goes by and you will gradually find joy in your life again. Big hug and prayers are coming your way.

Dorie - posted on 11/09/2009

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Linda, my son Matthew was murdered on January 3, 2009. On September 7, 2009 he would've been 16 years old. I also didn't know what to do about his birthday. I went back and forth about it. At the last minute I had a balloon memorial, where friends dropped by all weekend and would write a wish on the balloon that Matthew would want for them. On his actual birthday Labor Day we did a birthday party. His friends dropped by and stayed the whole day with all of us. It was difficult, but like your son, my Matty loved birthdays. I thought I was doing this for me, and I did, but it brought such a good feeling to his younger brother, his older sister and both of us, his parents. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the pain you feel.

Julie - posted on 11/09/2009

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My Mom lost two grown children wthin 6 months of each other. It took two years for her to feel at ease enough to even mention birthdays. If you don't want to be there 'don't. You the one that has to deal with much more pain that anyone else. Tell them you'd like to but maybe nest year. If you have to say it again next year! I lost my son 25 years age and I can see how this would be too soon for you.Moving on can take forever, I hope next week is better for you. Please, just don't feel guilty you have the right.

Linda - posted on 11/09/2009

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Thank all of you for your wonderful comments--it does help--one thing I did not say in my initial post was that ever since Ben died, I have begged the other 3 boys to stop smoking to no avail--I have told them I don't think I could live thru that again, have even offered them money to stop--I know it is a terrible habit to break, but you would think Ben having cancer would scare them into it, don't know what else to do

Bunni - posted on 11/09/2009

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Attend the party, celebrate the person your son was and share some memories, especially the ones that make you laugh. I lost a "stepson" to suicide in 1994,two weeks before he would have been 27. I still am not over it, but I cherish the memories I have of him and like to share them with the children and others he left behind. I know how difficult it is... you don't have to push yourself, but be there to listen to the memories others have of him, that helps me. I like to hear of the memories others have of Greg. My heart goes out to you.

Robyn - posted on 11/08/2009

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I lost my Son in October this year and even though its still such a short time I know the grieving will never stop...only you will know when you are ready and i hate when people say time will heal...time doesn't heal its softens...don't let people force you into something your not ready for....i still cant go and pick my sons ashes up i have tried a few times but chickened out...I am sorry for your loss if you ever need to talk Id be happy to listen

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