Please don't aviod me

Melissa - posted on 03/23/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I feel like everyone around me is avoiding me. I can feel the tenseness in the room when ever I'm present. I have noticed this at my job and with family and friends. I lost my baby and kind words are comforting. Everyone just pretends Johnathan never existed and its so upsetting to me. I want to talk about my baby, tell them how beautiful he was, how much he looked like me, how much I love him. I do understand that people don't like talking about a death of a baby, but pretending he was never here is making the pain worse. I feel like everyone is looking at me differently now, like I'm a horrible, weak person for not being able to carry my baby to term and alive. I know I'm not imagining the awkwardness. God, I miss my baby.

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Cyndi - posted on 03/23/2010

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Melissa, I can't pretend to know your pain with the lose of a baby, I can tell you I know the pain of losing a child. My son was 13 when he was killed in an accident. I understand the feeling that you get when your around people. They don't know what to and what not to say. If they have never experienced a lose such as us, they usually don't have the sympathy necessary to the lose. Don't blame them, they don't know any better. This is a good outlet, Lord willing you will have others on here that will be willing to talk and allow you to talk. I found it difficult to talk to others as well. With time it will get better. At first you find the worlds coming out of your mouth foreign. With time that will get easier. I have a friend that has lost 3 babies before delivery. I will ask her to come in here and maybe she can give you the shoulder you need and advice that will carry you through. From me though, may God ease your pain and comfort you during this time and walk in your future....

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Kerrin - posted on 05/08/2010

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I'm so sorry for your loss & that you haven't been getting the support you need.

I had just one family member who was like that - my MIL - and that was stressful, frustrating & upsetting enough for my hubby & I.

I'm lucky enough to have the support of my own side of the family - my mother & brothers talk about my daughter all the time (even though she was stillborn). They refer to her by name etc... which is how hubby & I are. We may never have bought Ashley home, but she is a part of our family.

Maybe as some of the others have suggested, look for groups, counsellors, maybe outside friends etc... who you can talk about your baby with. Every lil bit of support helps I've found, even if we have to search for it.

Trinity - posted on 05/06/2010

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Melissa, I have been in your shoes. I had a son, Deamian on March 23, 2007 and he passed March 26, 2007 and then had a miscarriage a year later. Just Know you're not alone. I don't know if this is the correct way to handle it or not, But I basically forced people to talk about them, and still do. It helps me cope. Just know that it's not that your a horrible person, life just hands some people bad cards sometimes and no one can predict it. I hope that time will ease your pain, and to know that good things are still to come. I had a little girl 6 months ago and she is strong. I will hope the same good fortune for you. If you need to talk. I could've used the support when it happened to me. So talk back if you need to.

Amy - posted on 05/06/2010

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I know exactly what you mean. I've had the same thing happen to me. I guess its so hard for them to know the words to say they think not saying anything is better. I was the same as you though..."say something! Anything! Just acknowledge him and that he's mine." Please dont ever feel that your weak or that it was ever your fault b/c of the way people are. They just dont realize how truly strong we are for being able to get through something like this. Hope that knowing your not alone helps.

Rosita - posted on 04/09/2010

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Melissa, I dont know the exact pain u feel but I do know the pain of a loss of a child. My daughter passed away @ 17 months due to an accidental drowning. She wasnt with me at the time when it happen or when she passed away. I always talk about my daughter everyday with different of people. I included her with everything I do even if its in silence and just in my heart. She was a big part of my life that is now missing but because she isnt here in person doesnt mean she isnt her in spirit. It helps me I think to always talk about her with certain people I know the ones who are open and happy to talk about her and some that get sad and wanna cry. with those I tend not to bring my daughter up bc I dont want someone to cry for what happen but to be happy she lived for as long as she did. It will be 2 years since her passing this June. If u ever wanna talk about our angels im always willing too. I love to talk about my daughter :) take care and god bless with tons of love and hugs ur way ♥ Rosie

Anna - posted on 04/04/2010

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I agree that people ignore you as I think that perhaps our unpredictable emotions make them uncomfortable. I would also recommend talking to a counsellor or another person who understands your pain. It can be a very lonely journey and we have every right to talk about our lost children. Be strong and try to explain to these people how you are feeling. Even listening to you and giving you a hug is better than making you feel like you have done something wrong. Through the intense pain of child loss, we are also given a very special gift of now being able to see if people have good hearts or not.

[deleted account]

Everyone is looking at you differently because they are hurting for you. I doubt they are judging you, but are probably at a loss as to what to do to help you. People are afraid to bring it up because they think this will cause you more pain when, as you said, you actually need to talk about it.

Look for other moms who have experienced the loss of a baby (like here) online or in person. Your local hospital probably has a support group, and an organization called The Compassionate Friends was one I found very helpful after the death of my baby. There are books, newsletters (Stepping Stones is one), blogs, websites, and more to help you. If you feel comfortable about it, feel free to email me if you want to talk: LouraFriend@yahoo.com

Melissa - posted on 03/24/2010

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Thank you for all the advice and I am so sorry for all of your losses, this is the most intense pain I have ever felt. I'm sure all of you would agree and I pray that all of us heal the best be can. I know its hard for others to understand, but a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is better than nothing. I just hate feeling like the outcast. I suppose others don't know what to say, so they wont say anything at all...and you know I can deal with that if I'm not close to them, but its the avoiding me that drives me crazy. I mean, I don't have the plague people, I'm a grieving mom. I refuse to not acknowledge my son bc it makes people uncomfortable. He is apart of me and what happened to me changed my life forever. I'm not going to live a lie. Ok, I feel better now:)

Awhina - posted on 03/24/2010

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sorry to hear that this is happening to you

i had my beautiful angel serenity stillborn at 33 weeks due to toxemia april 2006

i am very open about her i acknowledge her in everything that i do i also have 5 living children and we often celebrate that we have such a blessing in our lives an angel watching over us

the most important thing to me is that if people eg: family and friends have never pushed out a dead baby then they will not make any comment to me they dont have that right and if they cant handle it then they can get lost they all have been told directly and im more than happy to get rid of negaitive people no matter who they are my daughter comes first and its that simple

if you play nice and let them treat you this way then they will go on doing it and alot of my lovely friends who are also grieving parents always say that they took my advice and they recieve more respect and understanding

im not saying be hard and mean im just saying that your miserable and you need that acknowledgement and love and being polite is an easy target for people to complain to you or just ignore you

people treat you the way you let them treat you

i love your sons name johnathan my support is here if ever you need a chat

Shelagh - posted on 03/24/2010

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As a society we really don't know how to cope with death anymore - not just when a child dies, but with anyone dying. When it's a child it's worse. Ironically, you are the one who will have to do all the hard work to get people to talk to you - don't let them get away with ignoring you. I remember going back to toddler group with my daughter after my baby son died - the silence was deafening! Don't expect people to be comfortable talking about the loss of your child - but you can make them talk about 'normal' things, which is better than nothing! And you can mention your child if you want to. As the saying goes, if there's an elephant in the room...

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