things you shouldnt say.

Lisa - posted on 11/20/2009 ( 36 moms have responded )

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Its been 4 years since my little angel was born asleep at 20 wks.

This was no 'normal' pregnancy compaired to my first 2 Joe was my third. I did the routine blood test which came back raised risk of down's i was given 24hrs to decide if i would keep my child no matter what i would have her. I was then told the result was wrong as they got my dates wrong, so got over that shock for a week later to be told there was raised risk of spinal defects. Again no matter what i was having my child had a scan and everything came back fine was booked in 3 wks later 4 my 20 wk scan on the thursday. On the tuesday i went to see midwife i was worried as i had never felt Joe move my midfife had previously told me as this was 3rd pregnancy in 3 yrs i wouldnt feel movement so soon. so bump is measured my blood preassure taken then to listen to heart best .... nothing my midwife tried for good 20 minutses nothing i knew what had happened but to be on safe side i was sent to hospital. Right enough my baby had died i was booked in for thursday the day i should have been gtting a scan to give birth to a baby that was dead.



I found out later she had been dead for a bout 3 weeks. within days of my last scan my baby had died.



Now to point of topic.



My ex mother-in-law would confort me by saying things like

Your still young.

Everything happens for a reason .

Get over it cant do nothing about it now.



Even my ex would say the same get a grip baby is gone any time i would try tlk about her.



Its four years now n i have moved on but not from the pain of losing my daughter i will never get over that but im no longer with my ex im now married to a great guy who lets me talk about Joe he takes me to her grave n sits with me n conforts me. So yes losing my daughter helped me realise i shouldnt be with my ex.

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Shelagh - posted on 12/01/2009

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So many people get it wrong - I would like to tell you about a woman who I hardly knew (she worked with my husband) who got it absolutely right. About a week after I was back home from the hospital, she turned up with her two kids (aged 3 and about 6 months) and a bunch of flowers, saying 'If I don't come round now, I never will'. My own daughter was 2 and it was great for her to have other little ones around for a while instead of a Mum who was suddenly no fun at all. It was like a whirlwind hitting the house - kids everywhere, she handed me her baby without ceremony while she took the 3 year old to the toilet (it's very hard to hold a baby when you've just lost one, but it was wonderful to be just treated 'normally'), we drank tea, we talked about ordinary things, we even had a laugh.

[deleted account]

No one can say anything to make us feel any better. My son just passed in Feb the 12th and I can't listen all that rubish... you're still young, everything happens for a reason, he´s not suffering anymore... He is mine and I can't understand why his gone... now please let me be!!!
I do understand what you are feeling, no1 can understand the need to talk about our angels everytime but you can't really ask any1 to understand...

*stay strong*

Hillary - posted on 02/22/2010

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I lost my first child, Logan, to SIDS when he was 5 weeks old. It will be 9 years ago March 3rd. Prior to having him I thought I never wanted to have children, so it came as quite a shock that I liked it so much. He was born and I felt something fill up inside of me that I hadn't even known was empty before. Then he died. And I was MAD. I was mad at everyone. People with kids. People with good intentions. God. Everyone. Everyone would ask what they could do for me. I would say, "Can you bring my baby back?" They would say no and I would tell them that there was nothing that they could do for me then and to just leave me alone. A Jehovah's Witness showed up at my door the day after my son died. I told him that it was not a good time for me to talk about God because I was pretty angry at him. The man told me that God didn't take my baby...Satan did. I threw him down the stairs. I'm telling you...it was an ugly few weeks for me. Then I started thinking about how I was still Logan's mom and what if he could see me? I didn't want him to see me like that. I made the decision then to live my life in the best way possible, but to never expect that anything was guaranteed. I decided that if anybody asked if they could help me again that I would let them. The best way for me to be helped was to be allowed to talk about my son. I didn't want opinions or speculation. I wanted to look through every picture of him and figure out that he had his dad's nose and my grandma's chin. I talked and talked and talked. And through all of the talking I somehow started healing.

Sometimes you're going to have conversations with people and they won't have anything good to offer. Sometimes they will only have a little to offer. On the rare occasion you will have a conversation with someone and every word will ring true to you and you will walk away feeling blessed. As long as you walk into every conversation determined to only take away from it what you need then you can't lose. Some people ARE ignorant. But they are usually well intentioned. Usually.
The worst thing that anyone said to my family in the wake of Logan's death was this: My mother-in-law was getting her hair done a couple of months after the death. Her hairdresser told her that she had heard about Logan and that if she had known at the time then she would have definitely come to the funeral. Her exact words, "I've never seen a dead baby before." THOSE are the type of people that you can just write off forever.

36 Comments

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Melissa - posted on 03/16/2010

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"Snap out of it" ERRRR!

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Joe. Since I have lost my son at 18wks I have heard them all! But, "snap out of it" bothers the heck out of me! Yeah, ok Im just going to go over here and flip the switch to off and then Ill be happy go lucky again! I mean really, I just lost my son!! See how that comment gets me? lol I also hate "your so young, you'll have more babies", maybe thats true but they will not replace my Johnathan, he was my second son and no 2 children are the same. Or "maybe he was sick, you don't want a sick baby". My son was NOT sick, my body failed me, he was perfectly healthy. Even if he was sick, that couldn't change my love for him.

Marilyn - posted on 03/15/2010

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I lost my precious daughter at 19mos old after a years battle with Leukemia. The comment that gets me to this day is God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I beg to differ because he definitely gave us all more than we could handle..we have no choice but to go on......It has been a year and 5 mos and not one day goes by that I don"t question why this happened and why me....

Lyndsey - posted on 03/15/2010

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I heard alot of things that no one who has ever been through this should have to hear. I lost my baby at 8 weeks and had a D&C at 12. I had 2 people tell me I just called it a miscarriage because I got an abortion!! They didn't understand that sometimes a miscarriage requires surgery. One of them acted like my friend and said "well, I won't tell anyone if you really had an abortion; I know I would if I knew no one would ever find out". How messed up is that? Then the people saying that there was something wrong with the baby. Right before I was sedated for the D&C, I asked my OB where they were going to take my baby, and she said "It's not really a baby". She didn't approve of teen pregnancy so I guess, to her, I didn't have feelings because she also prescribed birth control without asking me if I wanted it first. I also heard the countless, everything happens for a reason. Yes, it does but you don't tell a mother who has just lost her child that. It's insensitive. Oh, and my husband's cousin called me on Mother's Day after I had my daughter and said Happy Mother's Day. Aw. I just wanted to wish you a Happy First Mother's Day and I said, well, it's my second (lost baby in Feb. 2007 and gave birth to my daughter in March 2008) and she said, haha, it's your first with her here and I told her that I already had one baby and she said that doesn't count. Some people really should think before they say things and others just shouldn't talk at all. I understand what you mean though.

Tracy - posted on 02/18/2010

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I remember that feeling.....wanting to just shut everyone up. It's been a year and half since I lost our baby girl. We lost her twin three months earlier. Everyone acts like you should just move on, forget, or try again. My husband is my rock, but I also have an amazing 5yr old. He had to bring a picture of his family to school one day. I helped him pick one, but he was sad because the babies were missing from the picture. Together we found to tiny heart stickers that we added to the picture. He said when the teacher asked about the hearts he told her that those were our babies in heaven. The world will move on, but they are not forgotten.

Zuraidah - posted on 02/18/2010

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Dear Lisa..

i share your grief though we are from differnt part of the world but..a mother is a mother no matter where, no matter what.

Obviously you are stronger than your ex..talking and sharing with your partner is the best way to deal with the loss..i was very sad when my son died and my husband was trying very hard to comfort me..then i realised that he has just lost a son too..our son. Our relationship grew stronger and up to another level..We still talk about our son and sometimes we cried together because we missed him so much..but life has to go on.

Crystal - posted on 02/18/2010

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It has now been 4 almost 5 years since my Baby Jayden passed away. She was 5 months old. She was my first child. Previous to me having children I had been the favorite aunt of all the nieces and nephews. One in particular was my nephew Xander I had him every Friday -Monday so my sister could have time to herself. He passed away at 15 months old due to a seizure disorder and at that time I thought I had died when he did. My daughter Jayden made me come alive again gave me a purpose to life again made me realize that I could be a great mother as well as a great aunt. I was at work when she passed away. The crib we had been using malfunctioned and broke and she suffocated. My ex went into check on her at 5 am because she had not woken at all during the night and found her already gone. They came to my work * I worked graveyards* and told me right there and I remember screaming then when I got there I wanting nothing more than to storm into the house and just hold my baby and they would not let me in. My mother and sisters drug me back to the car and took me away and I never did get to see my little one again until she was buried. Everyone kept telling me it would be ok she is in a better place. It was just her time, and you would not have wanted to see her that way. God had decided to take her to be with him for a reason that I would understand some day. Every time someone said those things I just wanted to slap them tell them to go away and how would they know whether I would want to see her that way instead of knowing I never got to see her face or hold her again. My father when it came time for my daughters first birthday told me to just forget about her and forget the date it was not worth fretting over.



I learned that everyone was just trying to say anything they could think of to comfort me. I also learned that the only one who understood was my now ex *her dad* we still to this day will talk about her go visit her and look through photo albums and talk to our 2 year old daughter about her big sis. Even though we did not work out as a couple we have been able to still be friends and continue comforting each other and talk to each other about our first little angel who made us realize how much love we have to give and now give to our 2nd and just as beautiful little angel Bella.



I hope with all my heart that you all will experience the joy of life and know that you will see your little ones again, hold them, love them and see their smiles.

Paige - posted on 02/17/2010

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my heart goes out to all of you! my baby girl was born sleeping at 22 weeks. she was gone for a week before that. it was and still is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through. the worst thing anyone has ever said to me was " well at least it died before it was a baby" that sentence still haunts me.. my little angel was a baby. she was well formed, had all her body parts, she just died. that doesn't make her any less special than if i had gotten to enjoy her life!!

Lucinda - posted on 02/17/2010

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Good Lord, I totally understand you all. My son died last year from a vehicular accident, and I have gotten a lot of remarks. I don't mind "I'm sorry" or "Bless you"; in fact, I find that better than silence. Silence makes me feel like I'm being put off, honestly. The cruelest one I have gotten is "Well, he should have gotten out of the way!". It took me all the power in my heart to not beat the crap out of that woman for saying such a horrible thing about ANY child! I wasn't even talking to her; I was telling a co-worker about it and she decided to step in.



But yes, the "It happened for a reason" is a saying that just drives me nuts. No, my son died because he died. There was no reason at all behind it; he got killed and that is all. It turned my life upside down, and not for the better, either. I miss him so very much, and the pain is still raw after 10 months.

Natasha - posted on 02/16/2010

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Dear Lisa

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your daughter Joe. It is hard. Especially if you don't have a support system. I lost my son Duvan at 33 weeks of my pregnancy. It was so hard, because the only support system I had was a friend in our support group. Cathy Heaton. She helped me allot. When I was feeling down she was a shoulder to cry on. I couldn't rely on family that much. They were like, why are you crying? He has been gone get over it. Well it has been 3 years since my son passed away. Its been quite a journey. Hope you are doing okay.

Toni - posted on 02/16/2010

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i lost my son about 3 weeks ago.. the worst thing someone has said to me is " you can have more'... or 'have another one"...talk about making someone feel awkward. its just something you dont say.. and i hate the youre still young.. like yeah i am.. doesnt make this hurt less... doesnt make it any easier here..i know some people just dont know what to say.. but sometimes no words are better then the wrong ones. My boyfriend has a aunt that well is a lil strange.. and ive had to put up with her talking to me and giving me advice.. you dont want to be rude but ud give anything to just not have to talk to these people right now.
I cannot believe your ex said that to you... to get a grip.. thats cold. im glad for u that your with someone now who is willing to accept and comfort ur emotions- whatever they may be.
take care... all the best.

Miranda - posted on 02/11/2010

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After our little boy died after only 19 days in this world everyone kept saying "it's probably for the best". I hated that!! I wanted to slap them and say it's the best for who?? Tanisha is right in my opinion...most of the time silence is the greatest comfort.

Tanisha - posted on 02/11/2010

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I lost my precious baby boy Dylan at 25 weeks last spring. Hearing everyones opinions and useless remarks just further depressed me. I just wanted everyone to be quiet. Its as though they don't realize that most of the time silence is the best comfort you can ever give.

Mommy_Luv - posted on 02/10/2010

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i agree with u 100 percent.they should have not been so ignorant in their thoughts.it hard enough loosing a child they should have relized that n conforted u in a betr way n chose their word more wisely.im happy u got away from that negativity n found sum1 that realy apritiates u n ur life

Nina - posted on 02/02/2010

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Rachelle... I think those are the exact words that my husband's best friend said when he was told. Indeed, they seem the only appropriate words.

Rachelle - posted on 02/01/2010

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Nina i think your post is perfect. my daughter was born at 28 weeks and didnt make it but her life was very purposefull and i will always cherish it.
one person had just the right words to say to my husband after she passed. "thats messed up"
noone should have to loose a child.

Crystal - posted on 02/01/2010

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People tell me after losing a parent or a relative they know my pain..... No you don't there is nothing worse than losing a child.

Crystal - posted on 02/01/2010

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You need to talk about your baby it keeps the memorie alive. Sometimes I wish people would not talk. I had twins my baby cara passed away at one month.



I got these sayings from people





Everthing happened for a reason



You still have one



It might be a little bit easier for you.....sickest one



There is no rhyme or reason.......if another nurse said that to me one more time I would of killed her.



She is in a better place........a better place a baby needs its mom home is where she should be



so many more.

Nina - posted on 02/01/2010

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every day we are told it is taboo to talk about the children we have lost. We're told to shut up and hold it in, don't dwell on it, get over it... you have more children that need you. I say this. Loosing my son taught me how to love my daughters. He completed his life's task by dying, and I know this from the bottom of my heart. The jolt, the realization that life is precious and not promised, that love will go on no matter what happens... these are things that I took from my son's death. My father, who I hardly ever hear from since my son's death, told me one thing while he was helping us get rid of the crib and furnature... he told me "Don't let everything die, take life from this death and make it grow." He said this to me as I was getting ready to throw away the flower I had been given at my son's birth. I looked at him, then the orchid, and then back at him. I set the orchid down in a box and took it with me. I tended it and tried to help it flourish, but it died. That's when I realized... sometimes, no matter how much or how little we nourish, no matter how much strength we push with, no matter how much love we coax with... sometimes life just ends before we are ready for it to. What we need to do is take from it an example and a lesson.... I learned how to love. I learned the joy of being a mother was more than just a badge. I learned that holding my children when they cry, hugging them, snuggling them, and letting them know every day that I love them... is the most precious thing that he taught me.

Kerrin - posted on 01/31/2010

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I got all sorts of strange or insensitive things after we lost our daughter (she was stillborn @ 36 weeks).

The 2 that used to irritate me a lot were 'it just wasn't meant to be' & 'it's God's plan'. I always felt as if them saying this was like brushing aside my daughter but a year down the track, I realise with most of them it was because they didn't know what to say or just said what kind of gave them a bit of comfort (especially when what they said was religious cause my husband & I aren't).

In some ways, I would rather have people say anything to me than pretend Ashley was never born - which is what my MIL does. She's never once spoken to me at all about our daughter, won't even mention her name. Threw a hissy fit because Mother's Day last year, hubby wanted to make the day about caring for me 'I'm a mother, not her' was my MIL's response & the clincher was when at Christmas we gave her a copy of the lovely photos we had especially done in our daughter's memory (we didn't have a lot of money cause we were paying doctor bills from my surgery in October at the time) she had the nerve to call it a 'cheap' present when for us, it was priceless - all the other family members loved them (my grandma even cried).

I think sometimes we just have to do/concentrate on what feels right for us, even if it means ignoring comments or sometimes people (I no longer speak to my MIL, which was not an easy decision to make seeing I'm very family orientated).

Kelli - posted on 12/19/2009

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I completely agree 110 % with you ladies. People who have not experience losing a child have no idea what it feels like. The most dumbest thing anyone has ever said was my friend said "I remember when my grandma died... that about killed me!!" I also hate when people say that God probably took the baby for a reason... maybe the baby had something wrong with it!! That one really gets to me because I dont care what kind of condition my daughter would have been in... atleast she would have still been here with me and I would love her regardless!! She was obviously healthy during the whole pregnancy, it was just during the delivery her heart rate kept dropping!! I used to be a believer that everything happens for a reason, now I definately don't believe that. If things happen for a reason why would things like this happen

Donna - posted on 12/18/2009

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aww i can feel 4 u, i lost a baby girl at 22 weeks an 6 days, an i can tell i heard all the same quotes, u can try again , things happen 4 a reason, yes i know tht now 3 years on but at the time tht is the last things u wanna hear, u want 2 be able 2 talk as much as possible about the baby, not bury in n 4get, i talk about my wee girl every day sometimes its 2 myself but i need 2 rem every wee detail about hr take care pet xx

Ronna - posted on 12/17/2009

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After my Baby Larry died 32 yrs ago, the words of others still remain in my head. When it is so close after i hated to hear others say "You have two girls, to love" Yes i did, and he was the boy i wanted to give my husband to carry on his name. I bet i heard that 50 times. The most consoling thing to do was to talk about Baby Lary with me and how he looked and how big his feet were and such ,even though he only lived 2 days. It was a nurse who did this and i will never forget her for just talking about him with me when others would avoid it. I do regret not giving my husband credit for his grief. He seemed quiet and strong but later people told me how he broke down with them. I was wrapped up in my own grief. He is with our Son now. Baby Larry died dec 15, before Christmas and His dad died ON Christmas day 4 yrs ago. My advice to people is to Listen and Talk because it helps so much.

Krystyl - posted on 12/16/2009

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A friend of mine said to me, ; "you're mind is mature, and wise, but your body maybe just decided it wasn't ready"... this hurt me quite badly, as though I am young (19) my baby was planned and , I don't know, I guess it just seemed as though she was pointing out a flaw in the planning.

Jill - posted on 12/14/2009

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I'm sorry for your loss. It is very hard to hear the "bumper sticker" phrases after you lose a child. I've heard them all as well. The biggest one that i heard that I will never forget was that I was a bad baby maker. I've had one still birth and two miscarriages and every time I lose that phrase comes back to mind and it kills me. To hear "it was gods plan" or "every thing happens for a reason" doesn't help it just hinders because you wonder "what did I do that was so wrong that he/she had to be taken away?" and the truth is nothing and there is no higher plan and there is no reason. As in all rehabilitation it takes one day at a time and I'm going on five years of one day's.

Autumn - posted on 12/11/2009

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My daughter was killed at 18 months old almost 4 years ago, and I have gotten to the point where I can deal and most of the time I'm ok. I quit talking about it for a long time because I got tired of hearing those same things. I also don't want people imagining for themselves what happened to me, because they just can't.

From my own personal experience, I have to believe that there was a reason for this happening, but for most of the last four years that was hard for me to see, because I felt guilty for believing, even for a second, that there was some greater plan for me that did not involve my beautiful daughter. But, I too am remarried and repregnant, and so very much happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. It was not, however, something that i wanted to hear from anyone else, rather, it was just something that I had to realize and come to terms with on my own.

My empathy to you all

Megan - posted on 12/07/2009

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i know just what you mean the whole time i was in the hospital after i had lost my son the drs and nurses kept telling me o your young you can have more and now i just get so tired of everyone thinking that i need something there like i am so so sorry if you ever need anything but everyone knows what we all want and its the one thing we cant ever have i am always grateful for them wanting to help but it just gets tiring

Thanisha - posted on 12/05/2009

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People would always say dumb things to me....people who have never been through this sort of thing. Just so they could hear themselves talk. Still makes me angry to think about it. But I must confess, I was probably that person to someone else. I'm definitely more sensitive now.

Beverly - posted on 12/01/2009

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i have been through things similar to you but it was my son's stepdad. i have a wonderful husband now and he lets me talk,holds me, let's me cry if i want to and he has even told me to wake him up anytime i need him. that is a loving man. he has a heart. it also sounds you have a wonderful husband too. no the pain is there and always will be. 10 yrs. for me on the 12th of dec. my love goes out to you and the others through the holidays and forever

Michelle - posted on 11/21/2009

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When I lost my son the only words I wanted to hear were that I could have him back .. ALIVE. Obviously I never heard those words and the bumper sticker quotes people would say to me to comfort me would just irritate me and make them seem insensitive.

[deleted account]

I was told 3 days ago by an old school friend, after my baby boy was lost at 28 weeks of pregnancy, that she understood because she had recently lost her mother-in-law. It took everything I had not to say anything horrific back, or to lose it completely. People often just don't know what to say, but feel they need to say something.

Felicia Neikolle - posted on 11/21/2009

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Lisa,
I too know what you mean. So often people offer words intended for encouragement and don't even think about the damage they can do instead. The one I hate the most is, "It will happen when it's supposed to happen" ... really? If that's the case then why did I get pregnant in the first place? If it wasn't supposed to happen now then I shouldn't have been pregnant now! They just don't understand. Even the "Everything happens for a reason" statement shouldn't be offered as words of encouragement. Yes, it's true that everything happens for a reason but when that is said to someone in mourning it sends the thoughts swirling and causes the likeliness for depression to spike as we start to focus on what the reason for a loss of this magnitude could be. I'm glad to hear you have a happy ending. I'm sure Joe is in Heaven with my Brittannya running through the fields and picking the flowers and dancing in the Sonshine. I know I will never forget the children I've lost. Brittannya was lost at 19wks in similar fashion to your Joe. Our children will always live on ... as we continue to share the love for them their legacy only grows. Good luck with all your future dreams - and may Joe's light forever shine through the hearts of those who love her!

Shannon - posted on 11/20/2009

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I am sorry to hear about your loss.

In relation to your topic, I heard it all as well. Because I was only 20 when I was married and up until this year, we had been trying 7 years to get pregnant and with no success and multiple losses hearing "your still young" and "everything happens for a reason" or my ultimate favorite which I heard from everyone doctors, friends, family etc "just relax and it will happen". If they all only knew what myself and my husband not too mention too many others have gone through, maybe they would be more empathetic, but probably not.

I am happy to hear your story has somewhat of a happy eneding, mine finally does too. After losing our b/g twins at 21.5 weeks in December 2006 we now have 6 month old identical twin boys, and we couldn't be happier.

Continue to have a wonderful new life, with your precious Joe, always in your heart.

Jelena - posted on 11/20/2009

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Dear Lisa,

to be on the truthfull side - ur ex-mother-in-law was right. everything happens for a reason. ur sweet baby was consived and died so u could learn something. when i lost my baby girl after 94 days of her birth, my first reaction was: what was that? why was my family, not to mention me, put through such pain? why did my angel need to be born so she could be so taken away? I was all in doubt about life itself until at some point i realised that her rolle in our lifes was to teach us the most important lessons ever:

1) Love never dies. After i take my last breath, my love for her will live on in my surviving children and their children...

2) we are faced only with hardships we can endure. if i lived after the second i realised i have my dead child in my arms, i had no choice but to live.

3) ppl who love u will share ur pain as well as ur happines and will never question ur need for healing.

4) ppl u love are precious just for that, they have blessed u with that feling.

5) and yes, everything does happen for a reason but not in a sence ur ex mil meant.

I am happy for u, for this new breath of hope and i do pray u will lead a good life with ur new husbant. cherish the memory of ur baby and enjoy ur children.

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