Traumatized mothers of sexually abused children

DIANE - posted on 09/28/2015 ( 29 moms have responded )

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Do any of you mothers go through intense false guilt, flashbacks, trauma, grief, sorrow and ptsd of what happened to your innocent child?

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Angela - posted on 02/05/2016

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The quick answer is yes. My children were abused by my ex husband while on weekend visitation. My daughter disclosed the abuse about 3+ years ago. Since her disclosure I have suffered from anxiety, nightmares, depression, etc. It's rough because I almost feel guilty for even acknowledging what I am going through because it feels like I am somehow being selfish for even mentioning my own pain and how it has affected me.

Bonnie - posted on 06/16/2016

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I blame myself all the time - constantly looking back trying to figure out why I didn't see it....and how I might have prevented it....sometimes, you can't prevent it despite your best efforts....but the key is that now you know what happened and you have the opportunity to work through it....But to answer your questions, I go through periods of guilt, flashbacks, grief and sorrow almost everyday when I think about what happened to my children - and the fact that it was happening right under my nose (so to speak) and I never saw it, never saw any signs it was going on and now my children are suffering because of it.

Grace - posted on 08/16/2016

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Yes, even after a year since D-Day. At first I was in shock - no emotion, physically nauseous, my body felt like a strong jolt of electric current running through it for days. Then for weeks there were flashbacks, dark grief, sobbing, fear, anger, nightmares, intense, "how did I miss it?" thoughts. Gradually, those became fewer and farther between. Because of the emotional abuse from my ex, I have a tendency to disassociate. I have been working hard to overcome that. Recently, it has begun to feel like the numbness is wearing off. I'm able to face more of what my daughter is experiencing, not just the horror of what my now-ex-husband did to her, not just my own grief and pain, but the reality of what she is dealing with now. I am able to be more present with her struggles. It brings a whole new level of pain to see her ongoing suffering, but it feels healthy and right to face it and sit with it.

Maloneyaguayo81 - posted on 08/14/2018

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It was my ex hus that was the abuser and Just last night I cut up a scarf he gave me for our 10 year anniversary.. Piece by piece I cut it up..while watching Netflix alone... I never thought I'd be a single mom with an incarcerated husband because he abused our innocent daughter... My heart is broken but I'm sick and angry.

M - posted on 10/27/2017

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My three year old, about to turn four simulated oral sex with her hand and mouth and made other sexual references. Two years on I have managed to protect her, but now a "Clinical Psychologist" who was Jointly instructed to assess the situation has decided she has seen pornography with "a friend", even though her father was known to look at pornography in the house we shared at the time and there is no way she could have seen pornography "with a friend".I have been told if I go to Court there is no way I'll win and I just have to accept that he will have unsupervised access to her. There has been no help from Social services in my country, no help from anyone, and people just plainly refusing to accept that anything is really wrong when a child demonstrates oral sex. Even, with the Harvey Weinstein thing people don't want to know, especially if it's children. I feel sick to my stomach and if it weren't for my daughter I'd want to die. No one helps, no one hears, and society turns a blind eye. How can we not feel guilt?

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Langstonquiana6 - posted on 08/18/2019

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My daughter was sexually assaulted by her father at 5 months old during his 5 hour visitation and he also beat her as he started to say he hit her with a belt in the face before being told to shut up by his mom. Did a police report and they ordered a rape kit, they couldn't find her hymen, police tried to blame me for the bruises and raping her and the court gave him longer visitation time and told me to get over it.

I cry myself to sleep every night since this happened in February

Shannonbydesign - posted on 07/28/2019

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I'm looking to find a support group of women who tried to protect their children when they found out about sexual abuse, but the legal system went after them (me the mother), instead of the perpetrator. I know I can't be alone in this experience.

Love to all of you fighting battles for your babies! ♥

Shannonbydesign - posted on 07/21/2019

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Are there women here that would like start a small support group? Maybe we could meet once a week in the evenings. I have a zoom account. I feel like it would help me, to talk to other mothers going through the same thing. Please message me if this sounds helpful for you. I live in the central time zone in the US.

Brigitte - posted on 11/26/2018

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I feel the same. My 4 years old penetrated her babydoll with a pointy tool and sang "I don't like when we do this to me, it makes me sad and hurt". When I asked her who did that to her, she said "daddy". Since she haven't said it again to CPS, they don't believe me. Next week, I will now if her sister and her will résidence with their dad instead of me. Awfull. I am having flash back and I am doing my best to protect them, still it looks like I am the wrong one who is lying. The system is really wrong.

Brigitte - posted on 11/26/2018

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Yes...and I also have none to turn to. My daughter was 3 now 4 and the court is next week, where it will be decided if her sister and her go back to live with their dad fully isolated from me. Since they did told CPS, only to me, it looks like I am lying about it only to keep my daughters...The powerless feeling and injustice...

Maloneyaguayo81 - posted on 08/14/2018

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In response to the question above... Yes I go through this every single day. I have no one to talk to about what's happened or what happening. Nobody understands. I've lost so much and have so many other difficult things going on in our lives... It's all very overwhelming

Alison - posted on 03/20/2018

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Hi, i only found out last may that my 15 year-old son was raped when he was 10 by his cousin, it has been reported to the police about 2 months ago, im really struggling with the guilt, i always kept him at home and his friends came to our house to play, little did i know that i had let a monster into my home, someone i trusted and so did my son, the abuser was 15 at the time, i cant make any sense of this, my son is adorable, hes 16 now but he so sweet, kind and loving and he doesnt deserve whats happened to him, im angry, hurt, confused and im not sure how to carry on and help him, i just want to take it all away for him and make everything alright but i cant and that really tears me up, any mums feeling the same id love to hear from u

Shannon - posted on 01/16/2018

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Yes! I often feel like I may be going crazy as I obsess about our son being sexually abused. I feel guilty, grieve so deeply and pray for the Lord to return. It is difficult to face each day and the night is the most horrible. The only thing that keeps me going is that I know our son needs us more now than ever. He is in counseling and seems to be making some progress. I pray God's blessing of healing over each of you who have taken the time to share in this space.

Felicia - posted on 10/28/2017

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Yes I go through intense moments of guilt and blaming myself. I recently had a good visit with my therapist who helped me to view myself compassionately. Another thing that helped me to release anger and feel better is I bought an ax and destroyed some things that remind me of my soon to be ex (the perpetrator). I smashed and obliterated his old TV and DVD burner and an old painting of his. And two wooden cabinets. It's cathartic!

M - posted on 10/27/2017

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My three year old, about to turn four simulated oral sex with her hand and mouth and made other sexual references. Two years on I have managed to protect her, but now a "Clinical Psychologist" who was Jointly instructed to assess the situation has decided she has seen pornography with "a friend", even though her father was known to look at pornography in the house we shared at the time and there is no way she could have seen pornography "with a friend".I have been told if I go to Court there is no way I'll win and I just have to accept that he will have unsupervised access to her. There has been no help from Social services in my country, no help from anyone, and people just plainly refusing to accept that anything is really wrong when a child demonstrates oral sex. Even, with the Harvey Weinstein thing people don't want to know, especially if it's children. I feel sick to my stomach and if it weren't for my daughter I'd want to die. No one helps, no one hears, and society turns a blind eye. How can we not feel guilt?

Leigh_jennings14 - posted on 08/22/2016

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Feeling foolish as I said it was 16 yrs since I found out about the abuse when it was actually 26 yrs. Hard to believe it has been that long. Funny how our minds can play tricks on us. Grateful to have the distance and no longer be at the point where the abuse absorbs my every waking moment.

Leigh_jennings14 - posted on 08/22/2016

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I experienced all of these and even now 16 years after I first became aware my children were being abused I still sometimes deal with guilt.

Jennifer - posted on 08/15/2016

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At first I think more in shock and blocked a lot of it. My daughter now 17 was molested by her father rwhile we were together. I have the flashbacks, guilt as to y i didbt know and anger for him doing it, its been 4 years since disclisure.

Jennifer - posted on 07/29/2016

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I think I'm experiencing all/some of that. I know I'm depressed for sure. It's all I can think about.

Leane - posted on 07/26/2016

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I feel frequent bouts of rage. My daughter was abused by her cousin - my nephew. Instead of my family rallying round and supporting her they choose to protect him and ignore the matter. I would like to cut them all off only I don't want my child to see this and feel she is in anyway responsible. Lack of justice and the perpatrators continued denial combined means we get no closure. I feel guilt and dread every time she says "mummy can I tell you something" and it has even affected my own personal and intimate relationship with my partner. So no hon you are not alone.

Jennie - posted on 05/13/2016

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You are not alone. Every day is a struggle for me. My adopted daughter was molested by my biological father, for years starting at age 6. He was a wonderful father to me, never laid a hand on me or any other child. It has destroyed our family and my poor child, whom I adopted to prevent this type of thing from happening, is suffering as a 16 year old in so many ways. She only disclosed 2 years ago. It is a living nightmare. There is very little support for moms or dads who experience this. I am quite alone and even my best friend has left me. My daughter tells everyone in our community and of course I am the one being blamed. I am an educated, hands on parent and I had taken my daughter to psychiatrists, doctors, social workers, school counselors and psychologists trying to find out what was wrong. Secrecy is a strong strong dynamic in these terrible relationships. Hugs to you.

Di - posted on 05/05/2016

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I am a mother of a 13 year old now.. That has been malestered by her father. That I had no relationship with since she was conceived. He was the accident not my beautiful daughter. The issue at hand started when she was having contact with him on sleep over a after he was having. Supervised access. Docs made me give him unsupervised access. In 2009 DOCS TOOK HER FROM SCHOOL DUE TO ALLIGATIONS OF SEXUAL ABUSE FROM HER FATHER. I HAD MINIMAL ACCESS FROM DAY OBE. AND I HAVENT SEEN HER SINCE DEC 2012.. SINCE NGO HAS BEEN IN PLACE... IM TRYING TO TAKE IT BACK TO COURT ... CAUSE NGO SAY MY KIDS DOnT WANT to see me... Bull shit...

Sara - posted on 04/16/2016

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Yes. Especially when I look at photographs or pictures she drew from that time...the thing is I have to make myself remember or else I'm afraid I'll not be protecting her In the future...if I forget or diassaccociate. It's hard to compress knowledge like this. It just doesn't fit in my mind. The parts don't fit. I'll go back and forth believing the full extent and then my brain fades it so that I'm not freaking out all the time.

Andrea - posted on 04/12/2016

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Yes. I am immobilized sometimes. Too painful to think this can happen to an innocent child.

[deleted account]

Angela ,your not selfish we are human people forget to ask us as mothers how we are doing because of the circumstance. I know how you feel and you aren't alone my friend we are mothers and our children look to us for strength even though we feel broken inside we mask a smile on our face when in reality we are Broken!! God is amazing just pray trust in him please he will get you through this and we can only Believe with in time he will guide us in the path that is meant for us. Hugs to you my friend may God hold you in your darkest times ..

[deleted account]

Lots of prayers every time you feel this way just Pray ,Pray and ,Pray !! It stay in your memory and steals your happiness ..Its very hard always feel guilt and questing how did I not see this !!!! God help us All ..Hugs for you may God hold you and give you strength in your dark times my friend .

Natasha - posted on 02/23/2016

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I have been having these feelings a lot. I've been trying to figure out how to handle these thoughts. Its so hard to find advice on this kind of thing. *hugs* you are not alone.

Louise - posted on 02/10/2016

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All the time...it came out 18 months ago that my best friend had been selling my 14 year old daughter for sex while I was at university. She was arrested and put on police bail and I'm still waiting for a court date .The perpetrator walks free and denies she has committed any offences, although there is photographic evidence. I know where to find her..... my natural instincts are almost unbearable and Iwant to cause her pain and suffering .How do you deal with that part??!!

Sara - posted on 02/09/2016

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It's been about 8 months since my children disclosed to me of sexual abuse that had been going on for quite some time by my at the time babysitters 12 year old son and I have been an absolute mess ever since. I was pregnant at the time and I feel like I'm missing out on the joys of my newborn baby do to what that 12 year old boy has done to my family but I don't think that anyone should feel like they are being selfish for feeling this way your a mother its natural to worry about your children and all you can do is be strong for them and help them get through what they're going through

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