Unspoken mothers grief

Erin - posted on 02/10/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

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1 1/2 years ago I discovered my b/f of 7 years had been sexually abusing my 14 year old daughter. We walked thru hell keeping her from self destructing and getting him sent away to prison. Everyone in this group I am sure can totally relate to the aftermath of this trauma. We have focused on helping her recover and pulling the family back together. However, now that life is settled down and my daughter is on a good path I find myself struggling with the loss of my partner/best friend. I have been so focused on getting thru, now a new kind of grief is surfacing. I can honestly say it has probably always been there but the anger has clouded my willingness to face it. I find myself with a big void in my heart for the man I loved, for the life I lost with him. Don't get me wrong I do not miss him, I miss the friend I had in him. The grief almost paralyzes me at times. The worst part is this grief is not something I feel i can talk openly about to my family and friends. He destroyed our family and stole so much from my daughter. No matter how many times I tell myself these things the loss is still very real. In no way would I EVER want to be part of his life again, I just grieve for the life and the future we dreamed about. Has anyone else felt this "unspoken" grief?

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April - posted on 03/26/2015

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wow, well i hear you. i found out my ex- husband step dad to my daughter was doing some things and he was removed and i started the healng process for my daughter and it was hard and all i heard was how everyone wanted to kill this man. I wanted the same thing but for more than one reason. He took away her innocence he took away our future and he took away both out trust, and when someone talks about it they always ask how my daughter is but no one has ever asked me how i am. and im mad as hell as her mother and as his ex wife!!!!!!

Tatiana - posted on 11/09/2015

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I believe the answer is yes, that others feel it too. You just so happened to be one of the few brave enough to bring it to light. Denying our feelings doesn't stop the grief process, it only delays it. I am sorry for the loss that he caused you and your family. NONE of you deserved it.

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Louise - posted on 02/10/2016

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I feel this grief. She was my best friend for 30 years and then sold my 14 year old daughter for sex while I was at university .She was like the sister that I never had....always the first one at the hospital when I had my babies...sharing endless birthday celebrations as we were born 4 days apart and were best friends from the age of 4 .This grief surfaces after a while, like someone has died, right? I know our situations are different, but I also feel something that resembles grief and I feel guilty for having it after what she did to my little girl

Donielle - posted on 12/07/2015

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I read a book called back to life and they speak of grieving a ghost life. If you had a true friendship with this person then I wonder if he wasn't sicker yet for the ability to live a double lie. I too had a grieving period for my lost spouse but realized after really good support from a 12 step group related to sexual addiction and therapy. That all that "love" was a lie to manipulate and harm myself and our children. Friendship includes honesty and boundaries.

Briana - posted on 11/25/2015

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Hello, I thank you for posting this. I to am missing My friend and I am looking at this as a death. My Divorce hearing is coming up in Jan and I haven't seen him since I left him. I wish this was all a dream, but its very much real and my Therapist said im grieving and its normal..
So I will tell you the same thing its Normal.. What we've been thru is not normal!!

Cm - posted on 11/18/2015

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I discovered my 16 year old stepson (who my husband and I raised for the last half of his life) was molesting my 10 year old daughter for a year. When I discovered this, I began having constant nightmares that often involved watching my stepson getting hurt, or killed, or apologizing. But the worst nightmare I had was when I dreamed my stepson and daughter were laughing on a car ride and were just so genuinely happy. It was all so normal and wonderful. When I woke up and I realized that the dream wasn't true, but I had actually woken up in a nightmare, I cried so hard I had to stop myself from vomiting. There is no shame in grieving for the loss, not only of your child's innocence, but the loss of a life that you honestly believed was real. It's like grieving over someone who has died, although in my opinion, having experienced both, I think grieving over death was easier.

Lorna - posted on 11/03/2015

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I've been so strong for my kids too, but I lost something too. A past that I thought that was ok is now all a lie. I get rid of every reminder, every picture. And I feel like all the focus should be on her, and I feel guilty that I feel alone and sad.

Erin - posted on 04/06/2015

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This was the stigma I feared would come if I said anything about the grief. It seems focusing on the anger and solely on my daughter is the easy answer for what has happened. I am an intelligent woman, I have made my daughter and my family my 100% focus from day 1 and continue to do so. Ask any of my kids, I have been their hero and pillar of strength thru the spin out, court hearings and recovery. The abuse only started in the last few months, I caught it very quickly. I am just feeling loss, feeling the emptiness in my own personal life. This does not mean I am not strong, or not focusing on my daughter or that I EVER want him in my life again. I have not been able to find any groups or books or chat rooms about the pain. I know it is not the same, but if a man cheats on or beats his wife even though she is happy to be away from him, that anger/pain does not take away from the grief for the loss of that relationship. What makes the pain worse and probably harder to work thru in my case is that it isn't something I feel I can talk about, I feel shame when I cry for the life and dreams that burned to the ground in a blink of an eye, and this post has confirmed why this truly is the "unspoken pain". People think it is sick or selfish, I only posted to see if there were any others suffering the same shameful pain, also struggling to find others to connect with that would understand and help each other work thru the pain.

Angel - posted on 03/26/2015

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When I read this, I get the feeling that he was with you for so long because he could molest your daughter. How could you call someone like that your best friend? I would think that he forged wonderful relationship with you so that he could continue to prey on your innocent daughter.

Truthfully, with it having been only 1 1/2 ago... I would still be focusing on my daughter. That is not a trauma you get over in such a short amount of time.

I hope this is not taken the wrong way.

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