Want to connect with moms ho have been through a criminal trial

Jennifer - posted on 09/19/2016 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Sometimes I feel so alone in this journey and I'm looking to talk to another mom who has been through a criminal trial. In my specific situation....my husband, their stepdad is the defendant in the case. However, anyone who has been through this process would be helpful to me.

Thank you,

J

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Jennifer - posted on 09/26/2016

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Thank you so much Suzanne. Every hand that reaches back brings more light and less darkness.

Suzanne - posted on 09/25/2016

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I think it was "When your child has been molested."
There weren't many books out there 18 years ago when I discovered the abuse.
There are probably more now.

Again, I am sorry you are facing this betrayal.

Tell yourself what you need to tell your child:
The abuse is not your fault.
You are a good mother.
You are not alone.
You are safe now.

I know how guilty parents feel. Just like victims do. And it is hard to find community and people that understand, so we are isolated, again, just like victims.

Suzanne - posted on 09/25/2016

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I went through a trial against my son's father.
Going to the forensic doctor and psychologist was scary for me. I would feel very anxious. The whole thing felt like a nightmare.
I read many books.
There was a book that said that going to court, as hard as it is, is the best thing for the child.
And so it was in our case.
My son came out happy AFTER court. Before, he was quite scared. Poor thing!
I think that being believed and protected is crucial to healing.
Going to court protects your child and other children.
Get all the support you need to walk through this: therapy, friends, support groups, writing, etc. Join a 12 Step group. Maybe CoDA? Not sure.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand all the overwhelming feelings, the conflicted feelings. Write a lot to your "Higher Self" and you will get some guidance from inside.

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Nicole_pink - posted on 07/04/2019

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Hi There, I have been through this process. It took a long time from the time that the perpetrator was charged to the time that the trial began, approximately 1 and a half years. In my case, it was my child's biological father who sexually abused my child. At the end of the trial, this man was acquitted of all charges. Honestly, I feel it was a waste of my time and energy to proceed with a trial. Nothing came of it and he is out in society once again. Please note that my child was the second person to come forward and press charges against this man. He was acquitted the first time as well. It just seems that there are no consequences for men who commit such horrific crimes. When I hear of other men who have been charged with sexual interference or sexual assault they may receive a short sentence in prison of less than a year. The harm they cause individuals lasts a life time. Best of luck to you, N

Claudia - posted on 01/08/2017

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My daughter is 27 and just told me about the molestation that started at age 12 and she was finally able to have the strengths about a year ago to say no! Is it even possible to prosecute at this stage or had it been too long ago? Do you know?

Katina - posted on 11/07/2016

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I'm going through something very similar right now. Its hard to explain but most of all. I am hurting right now. After I called the police to get my daughter and I out of the house. My daughter was put in foster care and now I'm having a hard time getting her back. I have gone through so much and its hard to find mothers who have walked a mile in my shoe

Jennifer - posted on 09/26/2016

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Thank you Grace. I never had to struggle with ambivalence. I was not happily married to this man. It was a nightmare from the day we moved in with him....basically the day after our wedding. It was like Jekyll and Hyde. I knew I was miserable, but I never had any idea he was hurting my kids. From the moment my child disclosed the abuse.....I confronted him immediately. He said we had to keep it a secret. RED FLAG! My kids are my whole world, so the next day I made a few phone calls and made a plan on how to act. I informed him I would be reporting to DCFS and then after that report, decided to call Law Enforcement. If I knew then, what I know now.....I would have just called Law enforcement from the get go and not involved DCFS. DCFS is a good agency if reunification is your goal. I had no intention of staying in the relationship. I can't even imagine having to live with the knowledge that you have and not being able to do anything about it. All I can tell you is this: even though we are in the midst of a criminal trial.....the system is really rigged and messed up in my opinion....so I have to trust that if the legal system fails....God will deal with him in due time. Maybe that one small thought might bring you peace......much love to you.

Grace - posted on 09/25/2016

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Hi Suzanne, do you remember which book talked about the benefit to the child of going to court? I'd like to get a copy. Thanks!

Grace - posted on 09/25/2016

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Hi Jennifer,

Although I haven't been through a criminal trial, I want to respond because I do know how alone it feels sometimes. My 28-year-old daughter disclosed to me a year ago that her father - my husband of 36 years - had molested her throughout her childhood. It has been her choice not to report him, and all of the counselors involved have honored her choice. So I have been spared the trial. I have since divorced him and am working through the challenges we moms face in this situation of parenting a wounded child, coping with my own wounds, and finding a path forward with this altered reality. One effect of his not being reported is an imposed silence. Besides my daughter's need for privacy while she heals, he has threatened legal action if any of us expose him. I will absolutely protect my daughter's privacy. But I feel ambivalent about protecting his. Have you struggled with that ambivalence at all?

Grace

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