In Turmoil

Rebecca - posted on 01/31/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )




As some of you have probably read on earlier posts I've made, my marriage is far from what I ever hoped or dreamed. Infact, for me it is over emotionally. The last 2 years have been a living hell for me. My husband has been emotionally abusive (not that he will ever acknowledge it), he puts his ex wife & their child ahead of the family we have etc etc etc.

We have been to 2 different marraige counsellors in the last 6 months. While DH has partially lived up to his end of the deal (in that he is no longer frequenting the numerous porn sites) I feel that the damage is already done & the hurt runs deep. In September last year I left & took our 2 children with me (after discovering the porn). He now blames me for the lack of affection that our 3 year old daughter shows him. The thing is that for the last 3-4 years I have been asking my husband to show me some NON-sexual affection ie a simple hug, & have been told by him that that's not him so why would he bother, but now it is my fault that our daughter shows him none cos we left for 4 weeks. Both my children are openly affectionate towards me but my SD is one of the most detatched children I have ever met emotionally. I absolutely can not stand to be around her. I have to watch my every move to ensure I don't even bump her shoulder or I get a look of utter disgust.

The turmoil I feel is that I just don't want to be with my husband. After I moved back in with the children DH & I were trying to make sure the lines of communication were kept open & he disclosed to me that he 'always thought it was a mistake to marry me'. Wow, that was like an axe ripping through me. I married him cos I was deeply in love with him, I wanted to share my future with him. I just wish he had told me that one BEFORE I came back but then I bet he knew that I wouldn't bother. I can't stand my life as a stepparent, I absolutely loathe his self-centred ex, am sick of taking all the flack from my MIL & just simply don't want to be a part of it anymore. My family have absolutely no respect for DH as he is great at putting on this 'I'm so wonderful' front when we have visitors/family around but I have since found out that DH now has the name 'the Dork from Dorksville' around town as people are so sick of him shooting his mouth off & offending them & running down other business' it makes me embarrassed to be his wife. I find excuses to not have to be seen out & about with him. I still don't trust him not to be into the porn & I certainly don't/can't trust him with my heart. I can't trust him to even look after the kids as twice in the last couple of weeks our 19 month old son has walked off the property & out onto the main highway when DH was supposed to be watching him. I feel no love towards him or from him. The only time he ever puts ANY effort into OUR relationship is when I reach breaking point & then only just enough to get me to calm down So he can twist me back around his finger.

I love my kids. I want to give them the best I can. I don't want them to be a statistic. I don't want to take them away from their father, from the only home they know. But I have come to the conclusion that I have to choose between my emotional well-being OR my marriage. For most people they go together. Is it being selfish to leave for myself? Are my needs more important than my childrens stability?


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Shelby - posted on 02/02/2010




Sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and that deep down you already know what you have to do- it's just a matter of building up enough courage to do it! Let yourself become a statistic the one in hundreds who wouldn't spend another day being miserable or how about the one in hundreds to stand up for the needs of her children instead of her needs as a woman.Better yet don't think about anything but your happiness and the happiness of your children. Your amazing! Don't forget it!

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I have said this can't take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself. The way I see it, it would be better for the children if you removed yourself and them from an emotionally damaging situation.

Veronica - posted on 02/01/2010




Rebecca, you are not alone in this believe me. You are not being selfish for the way you feel. You are hurt and unhappy, your kids notice this believe me even though they are small they feel a lot of what you feel. As long as you do not bash your husband in front of them, things will work out. Being a single mom is not a bad thing and you have been through a lot emontionally already, you will make it just fine. Hold your head up and move on if that is what you truely wish to do. Stability is what you make either with him or without him. Best of luck

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