My story...

Casey - posted on 12/20/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )




Im 22 years old, and have been the victim of domestic violence by the hands of my sons father on far too many occasions. We were together for just about 3 years, & its now been 1&1/2 years since i left him & i feel like i am never going to be free of his evil. i havent been able to move forward & be involved in any new relationships. its taken all this time just to repair the damage he caused to my mind, my heart & my spirit. cuts bruises & broken bones heal in weeks, the damage done inside takes years heal.... & you can never go back 100% to who you were before it happend. i have moved away from him, im now an hour & a half away. my father passed away in july and left his house to my son and me, and my ex was here many times when we were together. when i first left him last august i went into hiding, i changed my number & moved pretty far away, to an area that i had no connection to prior to moving there... and he still found me, somehow. him & 2 other men were caught in the act of breaking into my house by my neighbors, they were never braught up on charges because they had fled by time the police arrived & i couldnt prove it was them. he went to jail shortly after that for unrelated chargers, which he has just been released from about 3 weeks ago. during his incarceration in rehab we began comunicating again in regards to our child because I hoped he was changing his life around, but my hopes were wrong. He already started w/the phone threats of violence, last week he even threatened to kill me. Im so tired of going through all this, the fear of what hes capable of & guilt i feel over my son having him as a father. i was doing great before he got out of jail, i was 100x happier & stronger than i was when i was with him, or even than i currently am. its just that he knows too well how to break me down- i dont show HIM that what he says(or threatens to do) gets to me, but it does. he knows so much about my past & my family & all the hardships i have endured, and he uses them against me very effectively. he can no longer physically beat me down (though theres always the chance of him showing up here) so he uses the worst moments/experiences of my life against me... twisting it to make me think/feel like im one thats to blame for it all.. i know better than to believe anything he says, but when he uses my own words & experiences against me it gets to me just a little bit at a time, creating doubt where there was confidence, or anger where there was joy, or just shame, guilt &/or depression in general. Its made me miserable on the inside; being afraid to get too close to anyone because I dont want to see them get hurt because of me, always looking over my shoulder waiting for the day his threats start to turn to action. i dont know if he truely means it or if hes just trying to manipulate me & break me down but it doesnt matter. its still destroying my peace of mind. I want to be happy, I want to be able to be free of his evil & find someone who truely loves me & my son, and will be there for us like a real man is supposed to. Be a loving Father to my wonderful son, not just use him as a tool to manipulate. Has anyone else been through anything like this? How do you get through it? Not just survive it, but overcome it? What does my life matter if my heart & soul have been broken & destroyed.... God help me.

Since posting this message in another group on circle of moms dec 13th, i have started making steps forward (with the support of other Moms & victims). Me & my son were granted a year long PPO by the courts w/ absolutely NO contact from him, I joined & program at the church called Celebrate Recovery to help anyone with "hurts, hang ups or bad habits" and I joined a local support group for women of domestic violence that is helping me deal with and overcome all of this. it is a process, and not an easy one... but the very first step for me was speaking out and asking for help, I cannot explain the strength & comfort I recieved from reading stories other women shared... to know that i was not alone... AND NEITHER ARE YOU!!!! I pray that you can take something from my story or this group that is beneficial & helpful to you... that you can allow it change your life in a positive way. God loves you & so do I!


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Casey - posted on 01/20/2010




thank you so much for sharing sharmaine! you are strong & beautiful & your life will blossom into something wonderful, in all aspects, i am speaking from experience here. thank you so much and God bless you!!!

Sharmaine - posted on 12/21/2009




I think that making this group, is a great idea!!!!

i'm 20, and have two beautiful boys. i got with there dad when i was 15 had my first baby when i was 16 and left him when i was nearly 18 had an AVO out on him for a year. And when that ran out silly me went bak to him, thinking that he had changed...and he had he was so must worse and it was never good before. we only lasted 10 months and i left when i was pergerent.

I moved bak home to mums, and i love it here! And mum has an AVO out on him now so he isnt aloud near our house, i dont have one cause he told me when we were together if i was to do it again he would kill me.

i never used to talk about all the shit that went on because i think it is embarrassing n it makes me feel sik! And that i went bak makes me feel so so so stutupit!!!

I now go to a group that its great, and i talk to people and i think i say things pretty straight fowrad and how things are..before i was with him i was a really loud bubble fun outspoken chick, and slowly getting bak there. he changed me so much, and made me feel so broken n angery! i hate him for wat he has done to my 3 year olds head and wat he did and has done to me.

I am so so lucky that i have such a supportive family, he used to try so hard to get them to give up on me and to make me think they dont care about me and did the same things to my friends, but my family never gave up on me and i always will and have know that they love me no matter wat! n i now know who my true friends are, the one that are still here and didnt go anywhere.

so many people dont know how many families are living in DV, or know the affects it has on their children. Or see how bad is really was till u out of it.

i knew while i was there that is wasnt good ever but never thourght it so bad till i go out and told to other people which is one of the best thing anyone can do, talk. makes u feel so much better, stronger and seeing someone elese reactions makes u realize how wrong it really is.

There needs to be way way more support for familys in, getting out and have been in this kinds of situation.

i think that once ur out things can only get better!

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