Police Officer Husband driving me CRAZY!!!!

[deleted account] ( 27 moms have responded )

What is is with these men? My husband seems to think that just because he works 12 hour shifts and works at nigth, that when he gets home he is free to lounge around, play video games or go to sleep immediately when he gets home. I don't understand that. When I get home I have kids to deal with, homework to look over, kids to put to bed and if i'm lucky I might get to bed around 11 p.m. and then turn around and get up at 4:45 to get ready for work. Where is my ME time.

I'm just venting right now. But I know someone else has to know how I feel.

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Mua - posted on 10/18/2013

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PO think that they were 'created' in this world to do 'bigger' things than doing 'home staff'. They are 'better' than us. If you don't like it just divorce..... If you like being treated like sh*** because you are not 'one of them' stay with him ;)

Zaneta - posted on 02/01/2010

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Have you ever gone on a ride along with your husband?! I have and I know what they go thru. It is a high stress, constanty on your toes kind of job.They don;t know what is going to happen when they get out of their car or go to a call and knock on someones door. They have to be on alert like you wouldn't imagine! When my husband comes home, yes he does lounge around, and yes it bugs me. But seeing first hand what he goes thru at work I let it pass because I am thankful that he made it home safely!!!! They need to do something to wound down when they get home, they can't just jump from cop mode to dad/husband mode. My husband gets 3 days off, so on 1 day I get a day off, then another day is for us, and the other is specifically for our son. If he has court that day, we work around it. When he gets home he will play with our son for about and hour and the rest of the evening is for me. It takes a strong woman to be a police officers wife(I'm not saying anything to offend you, so please don't take my words and twist them). Police officers have the highest divorce rates in the country. If you have family nearby, see if they will take them for a night. Be strong and hang in there!

Tami - posted on 12/26/2009

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Amen to all of us! We are not alone. We need a support group to go to each week to vent! My husband is exactly the same and we have 3 kids! I'm a teacher so he thinks that I have a "free" job. Meaning I'm free to do EVEYTHING! There are many days that I'm so tired I don't have patience for my own children much less my students! But, his job is much more important along the way. Coming home after teaching Kindergarten, coaching 3rd graders, and dealing with 9, 6,and 2 year olds and everything that comes with our life can be absolutely exhausting. I've tried the "talk" and "try my life" scenorio but he doesn't bite. He's a baseball coach (I'm the team Mom!). Somehow my coaching requirements are overtaking my home but his aren't??!! We are all preaching to the choir but at least we know we're not alone!

Audrey - posted on 01/20/2009

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YUP! My hubby worked overnights for 10 years and it was A MESS! He would come home in the morning...goof off LITERALLY for 1-2 hours then sleep until dinner time or later than eat, get ready for work and leave...REPEAT FOR 10 YEARS!!! FINALLY, he got day shift and I LOVE IT...he is home for all the mormal things and sleeping like a normal person...however there is talk of him getting overnights again...uuuuuuuug....Im fighting it with everything I got, LOL!!!

27 Comments

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Jennifer - posted on 01/10/2010

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We have an 8 year old and twin 13 weeks old boys. I am going back to school right now (his idea) to finish my nursing degree. So between soccer, babies, school, homework (mine and my son's) and house chores and the PPD i am trying to fight off, I am up all hours of the night. While hubby just goes to bed while I am doing the nightly ritual with the babies. Not to mention the days he works all day while I am at home with the babies, and then gets online to play video games with his friends. HELLO, I have just spent the day pulling my hair out with two little babies, a little help would be nice!!! He just tells me that the boys like me better and don't go to sleep as well when he rocks them. Sometimes I just want to kick him!!! Moms don't get "nap time" When the kids go down is when we are doing dishes, laundry and such. Just once, I want my hubby to notice the stress and help out with out me having to nudge him awake to help with one baby while I have the other.

Melissa - posted on 12/02/2009

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I so understand how you feel. I am in the same boat. my husband and i have a 3 month old daughter and he didnt get any time off since she was born and he also works 12 hour night shifts and he sleeps during the day when he is home. so i do all the night shifts wether he works that night or not and he says the same thing. " i work 12 hour shifts, all you do is stay home with the baby. you cant complain about being tired you dont work" yah its REALLY frustrating. i also have no ME time and thats all he gets and he gets to sleep. he has no idea what it is like to raise a child by yourself and then when he comes home make sure the baby doesnt cry too much to wake him up. its aggravating because im married but im basically a single parent and he may work but raising a child by yourself is a 24/7 job with no brakes or sick days or vacations therefore what we do is much harder we just dont get paid to do it. if you figure out a way to get it through thier heads that raising children by yourself with no help from your partner doesnt work and they finally start realizing that and helping out plz let me know! but for now i completely understand how you feel and it aggravates me to!

Chris - posted on 07/07/2009

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I guess I am very blessed! I have times when I feel "used" but it's mostly by my kids... not so much by the hubby. Don't get me wrong.... When he was on patrol, I think that it was worse... he would come home and just pass out until dinner was done, then eat and sleep again. Now he's in an office and it seems that he comes home in a much better (and more energetic) mood. I think now that the kids are older and self sufficiant, it's easier on both of us. All I can say is hang in there..... It really does get better!!!

Christie - posted on 05/27/2009

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I feel that way sometimes as well. Hubby works 4 ten hour shifts then is off three days but he thinks sometimes he is the only one with stuff to do when he is off and I just left his laundry for him, didn;t pick up his personal hygeine products when i went to the store and when he inquired i told him that i am too busy being a mother, wife, cook, doctor, and teacher with my toddler and carrying his son when i was preegnant recenlty and he finally got it, one day when i got up showered and left him alone with both kids when the baby was around 8 weeks old, and had me time with a few girlfriends and wold not answer his calls, told him if it was urgent to call our mutual friends phone, and he told me when i got home that he seeshow hard things are and he fully respects me

Sam - posted on 03/26/2009

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I hear you all, but I have been on the other side of the fence, prior to being a mum here in Canada I was a police officer in the UK. The job is stressful etc etc but I think it is just a man thing in general. My hubby also thinks it is ok to come home lounge on the sofa, play computer games and then do an hour or so training. I have two girls, two & 4 months, and last night I went out to do the grocery shop with the eldest about an hour in I got a call to let me know that the baby had been crying off and on for the full hour. Later he actually siad to me "I don't know how you do it" my god was I amazed that was the first time that I think it actually dawned on him that being at home with the girls is bloddy hard at times. Never mind I still love him most of the time, well I must as we have been tigether 21 years today!!!!!

Amy - posted on 03/22/2009

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I completely understand where you are coming from. I work from home, I have my own daycare center. I work 12 hour days too, and have two boys at home to take care of, with homework, afterschool activities, dinner, etc. Everytime I ask my husband about ME time, he says take time. Ha Ha! That is a joke! Everytime I try to take ME time, I hear Mom, I need this, Honey I need that. It is never ending. Our men have the luxury and lifestyle to just nap when they want, watch tv when they want or do whatever when they want. Seems like the day we got married OUR lives as woman so very much changed, and the day that we married our men got live in housekeepers and maids. LOL

[deleted account]

It takes time. My husband and I have been together for 7 years now. In the beginning he was all about the job. He has had some struggles at work and the birth of his two daughters that has changed his views. He is also drawing closer to God which at first was weird but is now nice to see him in that role. Many nights he will come home and just plop down. I have to heavly encourage him to help with baths and bedtime routines. I also let him know when I need my time and I don't feel funny about it when I say it either. With that said I always ask him what kind of day he had. Some of the things he see's are horrific so I have learned when I need to be sensitive to it and when I don't. I have learned that by asking that question before he gets in the door (via cell phone) it helps us both for the evening to come. Hang in there, best of luck and it does get better with time.

Nicole - posted on 03/14/2009

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I know how you feel! and I've responded before but I have decided to read up on some books. one is I love a cop And I got this from another posting on here its by ellen kirschman and then I found a book on the 5 languages of love I pullled up the website for it and found it very inforamtional and then I looked in to how to be a better wife and that gave me this crazy site about the things not to do in a marriage and while our feelings are valid it gave tips on how to approach the husbands who plop their happy bottoms on the couch when they first get home. i recently had my husband home for  a month and we have our first child and for some reason here lately I have been given the opprtuniy to go to the nail salon and the mall all by myself. ccrazy but very refreshing!

Lynette - posted on 01/16/2009

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It's definitely a MAN thing!!  When I call to check in on my son when he's with my husband (and I'm at work).. and my son is taking a nap.. my husband then takes his nap during the day. I find it funny though, that when I'm home with him I find things that need to be done.  (clean up the house, pay bills, etc...)  They just don't understand what we do. They think life is just easy and it's not a big deal if something isn't done by the time you get home. He doesn't understand why I don't take naps if our son is sleeping!!  It just doesn't work that way.  Trust me.. you're not the only one around that feels that way... again.. they're just MEN!  They'll need guidance throughout their life.

Jenn - posted on 01/14/2009

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It definitely helps to be able to talk to other people who are going through the same things I am. Other moms just don't get it. There is something unique about the attitude of a police officer that makes it a little more difficult to deal with. I think it's the fact that at work they can say "do what I said because I said so" and people have to listen or they get handcuffed and thrown in the back of the car. At home they can't do that, and at least for my husband it's hard to make that transition.

Nicole - posted on 01/14/2009

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 alot of us know how you feel. Mine makes his own meals and then leaves the mess for me the next morning or has decided he doesn't have to help with the laundry- excuse me...i think he won't have any clean laundry. but you know it takes a a real special wife to be able to deal with feeling like a single mom when there is someone else to rely on. I've gotten a lot of advice from my posts it helps only to know that i am not the only one  out there and i feel like i'm in a losing battle sometimes even like i might be losing him. but i have to remind myself why i went head over heals for him. and unfortunately you have to be honest with him in your own way. but be sure when you do its not out of ragfe a and disappointment. I wrote mine an e-mail i think he got it. i hope it he did bc he has changed but there are more issues to address and this weekend is a 3 day and my mouth will be opening. ......

Jenny - posted on 01/13/2009

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I always thought I was the only wife who felt like this. I stay at home with our 3 kids because we can not afford child care. But what drives me CRAZY is when he talks about taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, doing laundry, and cooking is MY JOB. Ok I understand to some extent but he gets two days off a week, where are my days off??? All I ask for is a little help. Take out the trash, help with the kids while I am trying to clean or cook. Don't holler at me with I am cooking to come change the babies diaper while you are playing playstation! Like most of you I tell him how I feel and it normally helps for a few days but then they get bad again. I would give anything to have a job so I could get away for a little while everyday and then he would have to share in all the responsibilities, but that will never happen.

Rebecca - posted on 01/13/2009

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I know how you feel! I do think all men are like this in a way but I think POs have tough schedules and stressful jobs so they may feel they need downtime more. It is so hard for me some weekends when my husband is sleeping after working all night and I am having a really hard day with my son. I know he needs his sleep but I don't get much either :) I think it helps to talk about it with them but it is certainly a conversation that we have over and over!

Janelle - posted on 01/12/2009

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We have what I have started calling Mommy appreciation days. The days when I don't have a sitter for the youngest one and the oldest one is out of school, and daddy is home with them while mommy goes to work. Of course I still have to do all of the house work when I get home because they tear it apart in a matter of hours but he knows how hard it is now to get stuff done with little ones running around. But I must say we have daddy appreciation moments to. Like this morning when he is on day shift and I had to take Justin with me to take Tristan to school. It made me appreicate the mornings that its just me and Tristan headed to school

[deleted account]

He kept asking why I was so upset. So I explained in detail, everything I do when my down time is (the few hours i sleep at night) Then i nicely told him how he works , sleeps, and plays games.  He said he would try to do better. Its gets better for a while. About once a month I get really upset and explain it again. So if we have a monthly reminder talk then things don't get too bad.

Janelle - posted on 01/12/2009

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I totally agree, that is why I had to finally say something to mine. I got the you don't know how stressful my job is speech. I followed it with your right I don't, BUT I work full time in Insurance none the less so I am just as hated as you, plus having to take care of two kids and do all of the house work AND yard work, plus try to spend time with you. I will be the cop for a day, you be the mom. Needless to say its gotten a little better.

Jenn - posted on 01/11/2009

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used to...fill is in on what the secret is to not feel like that anymore. I'd love to know!!!

Jenn - posted on 01/08/2009

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I totally agree. I know all men are this way to a degree, but I think police officers are even more so. He says "I have a stressful job, I need some down time" which I understand, but it's also stressful working plus taking care of 2 kids plus trying to keep the house clean and prepare meals. They just don't get it I don't think.

Kelli - posted on 01/07/2009

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I am totally with you on this one. We have two kids and i am working mom. I AM TIRED TOO

Angela - posted on 12/31/2008

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Tell me about it! I also work full time but I don't get the 3-4 days off a week that he gets! And on the days I work I still have to do work at home. We made a deal that on the days he works, I cook dinner but on his days off, he cooks dinner. He is expected to help out around the house and run the kids around on his days off when I'm at work. :)

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2008

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Oh how familiar that all sounds to me!!!!! The only me time I get is when the kids go to sleep but even then I am normally doing all the house chores I couldn't get done when they were awake. My husband does the same thing. I truely think it is a man thing more than a PO thing. I dont' think men really get the fact that when your married and have kids you have a lot more responsibility and not as much lay around time. I don't bother my husband too much the 3 days he works but the 3 days he is off I expect him to help out. I now give him a heads up before his days off to let him know what I'm going to need his help with. He's slowly getting the idea.

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