Truisms..... Just for fun!

[deleted account] ( 24 moms have responded )

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest/ Garmin really needs to start their directions at stage 5 - I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail.

What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

18. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

19. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to the car to bring my groceries in.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

23. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

24. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far..

25. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

26. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

27. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jascinta - posted on 05/18/2010

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sooo funny!!!!! lmao. and oh so true. but dana..... i know the secret to folding a fitted sheet perfectly :P lol. i used to work in a manchester store.... fold the sheet in half, stick the corners into each other. then in half again and put the corners all in together. then just fold to the shape you want because you have a perfect square to work with. hope that made sense. :)

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Meghan - posted on 05/21/2010

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@ Dana... " No hunny, I love them! I'm just frustrated! "......

that is the funniest thing I have heard all day!!!! HA Chad, you're funny!

[deleted account]

" Cats
Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men will kick cats."

Bahaha! Chad always used to mutter under his breath that he was gonna kick my cat! I used to get so upset and ask him if he wanted to get rid of them but he said, " No hunny, I love them! I'm just frustrated! "......I gave him a way out but he couldn't just be honest!? LOL!

Meghan - posted on 05/20/2010

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A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.



A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



That is classic!!!

Jaime - posted on 05/20/2010

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LOL...okay I've hijacked your thread Dana...I'm gonna leave it at that for tonight. Thanks for starting this...I needed some good laughs tonight.

Jaime - posted on 05/20/2010

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Differences Between Man and Women

Names
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats
Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men will kick cats.

Future
A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Jaime - posted on 05/20/2010

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True Conversations between Lawyers and Witnesses

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.

Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Trooper
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing
A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Doctor (1)
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Doctor (2)
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Jaime - posted on 05/20/2010

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Bloopers based on Actual Court Room Transcripts and Trial Records.



Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first

marriage terminated?

By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?



Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.



What is your name?

Ernestine McDowell.

And what is your marital status?

Fair.



Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in

his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?



Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?



The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?



I show you exhibit 3 and ask you

if you recognize that picture.

That’s me.

Were you present when that picture was taken?



So you were gone until you returned?



She had three children, right?

Yes.

How many were boys?

None.

Were there girls?



You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?



You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up also?



Were you alone or by yourself.



Do you have any children or anything of that kind?



Have you lived in this town all your life?

Not yet.



Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

It was in the evening. The autopsy started

about 8:30 p.m.

And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time,

is that correct?

No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!



How long have you been a French Canadian?



Are you married?

No, I’m divorced.

And what did your husband do

before you divorced him?

A lot of things I didn’t know about.



And who is this person you are speaking of?

My ex-widow said it.

Jaime - posted on 05/20/2010

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haha, no Dana, copy and paste away...those were sent to me a while ago and I found them again on the internet. I love this thread. I can't stop laughing!

Jaime - posted on 05/20/2010

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Here are some more funnies...

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- Stephen Wright.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
-Bruce Baum

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeners.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra

He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
- Robert Gronock.

Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
- Frank

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.
(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.
- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
- Mark Knopfler.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.
- Barrymore.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
- Mork, Mork and Mindy

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett

When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
- Yogi Berra

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Dan Quayle

Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."
- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W. C. Fields.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
- George Carlin

[deleted account]

" Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first. "

OMG! Those are fucking hilarious Jaime! I have to share....I hope you don't mind me copying and pasting?!

Jaime - posted on 05/20/2010

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hehehe...I love these:

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. ( Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die from?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-DA is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is after every Flames game in Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays after every hockey game in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[deleted account]

So, what are you Nikki? If everyone else is an idiot or a maniac, what does that make u? I can think of a few adjectives....

Nikki - posted on 05/19/2010

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I LOVE THESE, I can't stop laughing ahh.
5. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? This is so me!

[deleted account]

" 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. "

Bahaha! LOVE IT!

Thanks for all those Amie!

[deleted account]

@Amie...

" 8. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. "

Oh God, I can't stop laughing.....isn't that the truth! LOL!

[deleted account]

@Jascinta..... those aren't mine.....I just copied and pasted it from an email I got! But thanks for the tip! ;)

Amie - posted on 05/18/2010

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ROFL! Here's a couple more from my notes. God I slay myself, LMAO!

Life's Peculiar Reflections
Friday, March 21, 2008 at 1:18am | Edit Note | Delete
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
4. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
5. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
8. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
9. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
10. I Don't Have An Attitude Problem ... You Have a perception problem.

25 Truth's of Life
Friday, March 21, 2008 at 1:19am | Edit Note | Delete
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Wine = Health
Friday, March 21, 2008 at 1:28am | Edit Note | Delete
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Amie - posted on 05/18/2010

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LMAO! This reminds me of a note I wrote on FB last year. I'll copy and paste it to here. It's about my experiences with my kids.

Things I've learned as a mom
Thursday, February 12, 2009 at 4:32pm

1) Kids are a lot smarter than people give them credit for.

2) Kids are very resilient, it takes a lot to hurt them and even then a kiss will make it alright, most of the time.

3) There is nothing funnier than watching a toddler give you sass.

4) When their older it's not so cute anymore.

5) Boys are a lot harder to deal with when small than girls are.

6) As girls get older then they become very difficult though.

7) My kids have stashes all over the house, these range from their favorite snacks to money to toys I thought long gone. Even with endless searching Ryan and I have not been able to find where these stashes are.

8) It's a good idea to have the number of a good carpet cleaner.

9) Being independent is all well and good but when they start it at 18 months it's just aggravating.

10) Kids can and will ask the hard questions, usually to the person most unwilling to answer them. haha.

11) You're not always entirely sure what kids will say or where it comes from so be prepared for the most embarrassing.

12) Kids are the best at being sneaky.

13) Kids are also very light footed when they want to be. They'll stomp around like elephants all day but night time comes and watch out. Lock your bedroom door if you have a lock on it!

14) My kids have an aversion to clothing, even if you get them dressed the clothes are gone within a few minutes, sometimes never to be seen again..... refer back to #7 and their stashes.

15) Cats are tolerant creatures, even when being held in a choke hold.

16) Child proof does not mean child proof, only an idiot will assume this true.

17) The fact that I have not had a heart attack yet, I think, proves I'm healthy.

18) Kids will put almost anything into their mouths to find out if it's edible instead of asking.

19) Even in the midst of a room full of toys they will all want to play with the same one at the same time.

20) Kids can and will most likely get their heads stuck in the weirdest places only for you to wonder how the hell they got it in there in the first place.

21) Your grocery bill will double, even if you only have one kid. For each one there after it goes up by another quarter.

22) If they are quiet, trouble is brewing.

23) If they are quiet but then screaming bloody murder more than likely a doctor will be needed.

24) It does not matter how late you keep them awake there they will always be there at the crack of dawn poking you going, Mom, mom, mom, moooooooooooooooooom.

25) Pretending to be asleep still only makes them talk louder, eventually shaking you and yelling right in your ear. If it is 8 in the morning consider yourself lucky to have slept in.

26) Beadwork toys/crafts are NEVER a good idea for a child to have. Getting one of the beads removed from an ear is not any fun for the kid or to watch

27) Try as hard as you might, your house will not remain spotless for more than an hour. Toys being stepped on are a daily occurrence.

28) Putting the toaster on the highest setting will not only turn the toast blacker than black but fill the house with smoke. Toaster still works though!

29) Your kids will ignore you until the phone rings, then all of them at once will have a million and one questions to ask.

30) Food always tastes better from your plate than their own. Doesn't matter if it's the exact same thing and they watch you make it, it is always better off mom or dad's plate.

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