Feeling negative about being a single mom?

Every mom - single or partnered - wants to do what's best for her child. So it's sometimes conflicting to hear so many messages about the importance of a two-parent household. Single moms, what are some tips you can share with your fellow single ladies about dealing with negative feelings surrounding their single situation?

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16  Answers

4 1

Being a single mom is not as stressful as many think.... I have been a single mom for right at 15 years.... 3 children 19,10 and 7..... Yes I am acollege graduate (20 years)and had goals.... My oldest is now 19 and is doing VERY WELL in college (not community or junior) ... It is all about choices.... As a teacher I see it everyday... People want to say single parent home produces non productive children... This is NOT true... many have two parent homes and their children are totally messed up..... However if the relationship is dysfunctional what are you teaching your children..... I myself was raised in a single parent home however my parents were divorced..... My father was a great part in my life...... From one single parent to another: Go to church.... (reguarly..... tithe.......) Set goals for both you and your children...... Let your children know your expectations........ Have rules.. and consequences..... set a budget... stick to it..... live within your means..... use your time wisely (time management)... DO NOT DEPEND ON CHILD SUPPORT.... it is not guaranteed money......... REMEMBER: look at life as a need or a want.... dont make unnecessary bills..... you can only do one of two things... bring your income up or your debts down.... in the process to not loose yourself.... being a parent is an inconvenience.... We buy food that we dont eat... wash and buy clothes we dont wear, and the list goes on and on..... harsh but real..... Always remember what the devil meant for bad God turns it around for our good.....

0 0

Well said! And your children will appreciate what you teach them.

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15 20

Being a single mom isn't as unusual or carry the same stigma as it did even 10 years ago. However, regardless of what society says, it is the opinions of those closest to you that weigh on your mind and heart as you chart the course through single momhood. So tips to counteract the negativity that may come your way are as follows:

1. Seek out a strong support group. This can be a church family, other single moms from school or neighborhood, or your own actual family. Lean on them, gripe to them, and allow them to help out. Most people out there truly are willing to help, all you have to do is ask.

2. Provide a positive male influence for your child(ren). This isn't about teaching your boy to pee standing up or dancing with your daughter. There are inherent differences between men and women and how we deal with life. Your children need to view those differences so they can learn how to interact appropriately with the opposite sex. This male could be grandpa, another relative, or the husband of a really good friend.

3. Take advantage of opportunities to better your position. Single moms already sacrifice so much on behalf of their children. Don't put off your own goals until they are grown. There will always be excuses to put off becoming a better you. Enroll in a college course or complete your college degree, seek for better employment or promotion within your current company, learn a new skill or hobby. Your child(ren) will benefit so much from having a mother who is fulfilled and doesn't resent her life.

4. Accept your limitations. Yes, you sacrifice so much for your child. They need to sacrifice as well. You don't need to put them into every after school sport, enroll them in every summer camp, or make sure they attend every event set in front of them. You probably can't afford it either financially or emotionally. Our children are too overscheduled as it is and are missing out on family time. Teach them to prioritize. Teach them to save. Teach them that having it all really isn't about having it all. Read to them, pray with them, sing to them. As they get older, they will read to you, say their own prayers, and carry a song in their heart.

0 29

I think that the stigma must depend on what part of the country you live in. I live in the south and I have not been able to find great support groups for single people at all and my friends who are single moms feel the same way. I have been a single parent now for 12 years and have reached out to do numerous things over the years and I have found that being a single mom is extremely difficult socially. I have always been a very social person and well liked and since my divorce in 2002, I have faced the harsh reality that married people do not want a divorced woman in their group of friends and my daughter has not had any friends from divorced families until two months ago... so we are very much in the minority and although I have a handful of good friends, they are all single and what has bothered me the most is that I cannot participate in events that my daughter does, because it is extremely awkward to be the only single mom in her grade. From my experience, single moms have to forge their own way and be ready to be done with what once was

6 49

I have been a single mum since the birth of my boy and yes it is very very hard and just occasionally you need someone to help you to take the emotional strain off your shoulders as anyone does. But as long as you can fulfil both sides of parenting then it will not cause any harm to your children surely. I can teach my boy how to use a screwdriver as much as I can teach him to respect a girlfriend (should I ever allow him to have one haha) but as for having a man influence in his life, I am lucky that he has an amazing cousin that he can love and respect. Sure, kids need that other influence in their life but it can be found other places. If they have never had a father in their life then they are not 'missing something'. If that makes sense. And to the children that have and have lost, its amazing how hard a mum can and will work to make up for it. Never feel negative about being a single mum. Its hard enough as it is.

6 49

my boy is 3 now.

1 0

I'm a widowed single mom with three kids, two of which are special needs (I didn't find this out til after my husband died & my youngest was only 4 months old when he passed away). I tell myself I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. I'm sure that other moms that suddenly find themselves in this situation would end up doing the best they can too. Kids do not come with a manual whether you're married or not & each one is different. I pray A WHOLE LOT too.

0 10

I have been a single parent for 15yrs; my son will be 15 in April. His father has never been in his life and I actually think my son is better for it. Yes, it has been hard but would have been harder if his father had played a role. Every man is not a good man; he may have been decent as a boyfriend or lover but that does not make him a father. Not to say I did not try to incorporate him but in the end I realized I could not make him be a part of his sons’ life, he had to want to be.
I have continued on to finish my college degree and move up in my company while caring for my child. My son has always had my father to play the male role. My dad had two daughters and always wanted a son, he found one in mine. It’s important to look within your own circle to find support, love, and understanding. If you need help you have to ask. My son spends every summer and school vacation with his grandfather. I think children need a balance; every boy needs a father (or father figure) so does a girl. Real men can teach boys how to become real men and teach young girls how to respect themselves and love who they are instead of loving some man in hopes they get loved back. Raising a boy is difficult on my own because although I can teach him a lot, I can never teach him what it really means and is to be a man (since I have never been one, lol) that is where a positive male influence can step in.
My son is now an honors student, gifted musician, aspires to become an attorney, and has already picked out his top 3 colleges he plans to apply for his senior year. I believe this ambition and focus is because of a positive influence from me, my choice of friends, and my family. If you do not have a strong family support there are groups out there that can be that support if you really want it. You can look to your male friends as well. The male friends I surround my son with are engineers, lawyers, sound family men, thinkers, and doers who wives or girlfriends are just as influential. You have to set a good example for your child within yourself and with your choice of friends. I chose to surround myself and my son with people who are positive in their actions and words. Your child is always watching you, especially if you are the only one he/she can watch.
Single parenting is hard, expensive, and sometimes very lonely. You must always put your child first but please do not think you are not as important; If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy. Build yourself up while you are building your child up. He/or she is looking to you for guidance, stability, and focus. It’s okay to have some me time… I used to tell my son to give me 20 minutes alone every day to just be by myself. It didn’t work when he was younger (toddler age) but once he was around 5/6 years old he began to understand. I sat down and talked to him letting him know that sometimes, mommy just needs to have some mommy time and once that time is up then he can have all my attention.

6 8

I think it can be beneficial to have a 2 parent household but definitely don't think it is a requirement. I have been a single mom for 8 years and it's hard but my children are doing fine. The best advice I got and give out is to do what is best for your children and yourself, not to ever feel bad or selfish if you need to take a few minutes for yourself. Being a single parent is hard and noone understands that until they are in that position. If you have friends that are single parents be supportive and understanding no critical.

67 17

I was a single mom for about 6 years. I am now in a loving relationship with a man that has chosen to step up and be a positive male role model in my daughter's life. No he isn't her Dad, but he's the closest thing to it. I think really the biggest tip is to love yourself and love your child. Nothing else should matter. You made choices and circumstances happened to you that have you at being a single mom. Do what you have to do to provide and raise your child in a loving household. Nothing else should matter, especially not other people's opinions.

3 0

I grew up in single parent home and it was hard for my mom to raise us without help from my dad but she strove and did it and who is to say we were worse off? We had happy, content and enjoyable childhood full of morals and yes If fathers are attentive and good role models yes the children do miss out. But if they are useless, hopeless and lazy the mother and children are probably better off without their lazy influence. I am not a single parent myself I had my children after I got married and I find it hard and I have support when he is home so may God bless all those who do not have someone coming home to support and help after work. Single parents have become the surprising stars of today. Men are not stepping up after sowing their seeds to maintain, nurture and be present for the parenting and raising children and it is amazing women who end up doing the role of mom and dad and how fab you ladies are for keep going.

621 0

Never feel guilty about being a single parent beacause obviously the relationship was not mean to be and take the time to spend with your kids and find out who you are and what will make you happy. Being a single parent is hard yes but so is being married. In todays society most married couples both work as well and unfortunately the days of styaing home with your kids are gone. I used my time as a single parent to complete my degree and get a successful career. I also used that time to reflect on me and to gain confidence and strength in who i was. It takes a lot of courage to be a single parent but i firmly believe it is better to be single and happy than with someone and miserable. Shit happens in life and all one can do is handle it to the best of their abiliities and be the best person and parent they can be. Some of my happiest times with my son were when i was a struggling single parent as we spent more quality time together and he learnt the value of a dollar and hard work. Even now as a married parent my kids dont get handed everything they have to work for it. Also as a single parent i learned how to live within my means and to make a dollar stretch. I feel no need to keep up with the Jonses and live a simple happy life that we all enjoy, I admire single mothers and i tell all of them to believe in yourself and work hard and good things will come

1 0

Children are very perceptive. They will know if you are happy or not. Being a single parent is NOT easy, but neither is being a parent period. It will take time to find a balance as a single parent, learn to find time for yourself and everything else pulling at you. Being alone is not a bad thing, during that time learn about who you are, what you want, build your family without feeling less than. Provide your children with love, security and guidance; you can do this!

37 45

To be honest I like being a single pareny my boys know my rules in our house and they don't get mixed messages! They are let away with a lot more and get their own way at their dads, but after consistently telling them my rules are different to their dads they are learning. Being a single parent has its negatives but on a whole my boys are well behaved, but wen they are naughty in public I can see people looking and judging me! At the end of the day we all have to live with our own circumstances and noone is perfect parents single or otherwise! You do the best you can and that all you can do xxx

4 4

I've been a single mom for 7 years and the one thing that I've noticed is that very often, most women might as well be single moms. When I look at my married friends, the moms are on duty 24/7. Yes there is a man in the house but they're not involved in the nitty gritty of everyday. They tend to step in when the poop hits the fan, when mommy has had more than she can handle on the discipline end of things.

448 72

This is so true. Being a single mom is not the most devastating thing in the world!! In fact there are alot of joys in single parenting whether you are a mom or dad. I knew right away not to depend on Child support either so what Ckesa said below: SO TRUE!! I have been struggling with my degree since I had my son and listening to other success stories of single parents who made it are so encouraging. I want my son to see his mom succeeding at her dreams. That has been on the forefronts of my mind lately this past year and I am waking up to new ideas and dreams and goals.. and leaving alot of the past behind. Its exciting and I am so thankful for the encouragement of other single parents that have traveled in my shoes and can really affirm and encourage. Thank you!

26 14

The journey of single parenting is not unusual, however that doesn't make it easy. I have learnt to keep the right network of people- those that are supportive of your situation, sensitive to your needs and those who aid your personal progression and growth.

One thing I learnt is NEVER explain to anyone why you do certain things or how you come to decide what you do because truly they will never understand and sometimes don't care. Furthermore you owe nobody any explanations. . Only do what works for you and your kids at any given point because we already have enough to worry about in our daily single parenting lives.

4 0

A two parent household is important for children because they require a lot of attention and effort, especially in their younger years. The best way to deal with negative feelings surrounding a single parent situation is to do everything you can to spend the most amount of time with your child/ren as possible. No mother on her death bed ever wishes to have spent less time with her children and more at work. Humility is a foundation of good character so don’t take extra hours at work just for extra material goods that will only serve to spoil your child/ren. Always cover the basic necessities (food, clothes, shelter) and remember that time with your child is just as important if not more so than anything you could give them. Nothing will show your child how much you care more than bonding time together. Additionally, nothing will help you get to know and understand your children better than this bonding. This all pays off the most in the teenage years when they will either respect you or rebel against you. Rebellion usually comes from a place of not getting enough attention or feeling misunderstood. There is usually already some separation between the mother and child that the rebellion is fueled by, leading the child to believe they've been on their own already and can handle it.

9 27

Realize that half of the country is dealing with the same problem. Get the facts. It will give you proper perspective.

12 0

when you are a mom, you are a mom. period. but what i see is single moms still trying to burn the midnight oil...between babysitters, school and daycare and after school programs, they rarely see their children. not to mention still running around with their friends at all hours like they are childless...its not right or fair for the child. where did all this 'me time' stuff come from anyway? there is no me time until the child leaves home. our parents and grandparents had no 'me time', they made mega sacrifices, and you can't deny the HUGE difference between our generation and this current godless one. i also notice how the single moms in my life gift their children with every gadget in sight..just anything to keep from hands on parenting. and let's not forget how many single moms get pregnant then return home and expect for the parents to treat them like housewives. gee. what a world.

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