How do you handle your child's' aggressive behavior?

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29  Answers

7 7

I have a six year old boy that is exhausting strong willed and stubborn. When he was just a toddler he would choose to stay in the corner for more than half an hour, rather than say sorry. HE CHOSE TO STAY IN THE CORNER!!! there was no way he was gonna give in! that much stubborness from just a toddler!! I fear his teenage years lol!
My best advise is to stick to your guns, and stand your ground. If you say he/she can't do "whatever" today, don't let the aggresive behavior win. I think the best strategy is to not give in. I know how not just physically but emotionally draining it is to try and out last an argument. nobody likes to argue. it's awful and causes so much stress. Still The kids need to know who makes the desicions in the house.
My biological mother didn't raise me. But she has another daughter, just 14. She never disciplined her, never taught her a tantrum isn't the answer. All she had to do was start throwin a fit, or yelling or whining and she got away with it. Now she's a teenager and she's more immature than my six year old!!
Whatever the negative behavior is, it's wrong, and not how you get what you want.
Stay strong!!

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4 0

Wise words "a child left to himself shall bring his mother to shame". I saw a grand mother carrying a 5 year old girl up on her shoulder from school. The grandmother is a very small framed woman. I asked her why she was carrying the girl; and the girl was smiling. The grandmother said because she said she is tired. (Neither parents are in the childs life). I told the grandmother and the girl that all the other kids from school are tired but they manage to walk home the full 3 blocks. I told the grandmother her grand daughter is smiling and that I believe she is strong enough to carry the grandmother sometimes. An attitude od anger and refusal to walk set in with the little girl. I told the grandmother that the little girl has been trainer her; not her training the little girl. It took some time through tears and stubborness before the little girl would final finish her walk home with grandma. But grandma stood firm; she no longer carries this 65lb child home, she walks on her own. We have to start early in traing our children and give them small responsibilities or they will think they do not have to do anything they don't want to do.

3 21

This is so true. We have to start early if we are to instill to them that stubbornness and being strong willed especially if done for the wrong reasons or for the wrong things is not the answer. And yes, it is straining and draining but you are right Stephanie, we especially as parents have to be much firmer and much strong willed if we are to teach them what is right. I know because I have a 9 year old daughter who is just down right strong willed and she is very adamant about what she wants. And she especially knows she can get away with it because her father easily gives in to her and she has a lawyer called grandmother who would always be at her side. But I stay firm and strong to what has to be done and she would eventually give in to me but it does take soooooooo much time but, like you said Stephanie, patience is the best solution and it always works!!!!

15 2

I have a daughter who was like that. When I asked her to clean up her toys, she refused. I gave her 'time out' in her room, where she would throw furniture at the door! She'd kick and scream until she fell asleep from exhaustion. Talk about stubborn! She was diagnosed with ODD at age 5. My husband and mother-in-law would side with the child. I tried to be firm but was often overruled. I tried to discipline her, but my husband would let her off behind my back. She lied and stole through her teenage tears. She dabbled in drugs and spent some time in jail for criminal acts caused by her violent temper. Today this child is 25, is still very willful, impulsive, uncooperative, and a bunch of other negative adjectives. I wish there was a happy ending to this story, but there is none. Every child needs discipline, some a lot more then others. Stick to your guns! Kids need to learn young that there are rules that everyone needs to obey. They may as well learn in while they're young. My daughter still doesn't 'get it'.

10 9

"not to give in?" this sound more like a war strategy then LOVINGLY raising a child! And i am talking out of very extensive professional and personal experince. This is not a war where you disclipline soldiers... you are raising a HUMAN BEING, who needs first lots of love and lots of attention, communication... and watch back and see how their young wisdoms kicks in and they grow so wonderfully!

79 0

Tatev there are some kids and situations that more love works whereas there are some kids and situations where its actually a war..a battle field.. I hav soo many stories I can't share because of time of moms who have used that strayegy of no discipline (because we all love our kids and as far a I'm concerned, discipline is also an act of love) those moms don't have good ending to their stories.. My kid tried initially to be aggressive and I nipped it in the bud by being very strong willed and disciplining..now she is such a sweet and loving child..those who didn't believe in "spare the rod and spoil the child" have ugly stories to tell..some of them don't even need to tell the stories..we see manifestations every other day

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4 23

I had a friend who sent her children to pick up big rocks out of the yard so she could mow. you have to find things for them to do. they need to spend working hard at something. change the direction they are going in, than let them see what they can do constructive. when snow comes shovel the snow, when they are done feed them hot coco and cookies. there is not enough for kids to do

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10 9

the WISEST answer i read so far!

40 36

Read the book 123 Magic Book. Very good information.

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7 24

u know my pediatrician told me to get that book does it really work?

4 7

Read "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen. Far more helpful in understanding child behaviour and what to do about it than 123 Magic, a book I've read and really didn't find all that helpful when faced with a child who would go psychotic at the mere thought of a 'time out'.

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5 0

I really liked 123 Magic as well - see my post below for other great books that worked it is under Altheas' comment.

10 9

TIME-OUTS... what a horrible way to deal with little humans. Read or watch Alfie Khon. Then you may be surprised on how counterproductive punishment is!

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8 0

good question its hard to answer every child is different every child will reacted different to what u do. With my middle son i tried everything and i still don't know what the answer is............its rough but i just try and hang in there.

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3 12

I have two Foster Children who are both very willful and stubborn. They are both have 'Reactive Attachment Disorder' and have very violent outbursts at times. We call them 'meltdowns'. I have been reading up on Rad and the advise I received was to use a backward parenting tool. It was also backed up by the childrens psycologist. It entails not getting into a tug of war with the child. Thats what they want. They want you to give them attention no matter if its 'bad attention' or not. I choose to give them no attention. Dropping the rope in the tug of war so to speak. I make sure they are not going to hurt themselves, tell them firmly there behaviour (what ever it is) is not acceptable and they will not get what they want carrying on and then walk away. If they have no-one to engage with there is no point in the carry on and you'll find they will settle down and start to think about their behaviour. I go back to them once settled and you'll find they are more willing to talk and negotiate with you. Most importantly once is all said and done make sure you tell them you love them. I tell my kids all the time. I love them no matter what! I do not however like their behaviour. It works for me. Good luck I hope this is helpful.

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5 12

I love this!!!! I used this so much with my kids. It works!!! :)

3 12

Thanks Judy. This is working for us. Also the Psycologist suggested a book that I have been reading and it makes a lot of sense. Its called '10 Days to a less defiant child' I got it off Kobo but I'm sure Amazon has it as well as all good book stores.

7 7

I follow a similar pattern. When my son is acting out, i scold him, which usually results in angry words or crying and whining. I tell him its ok to be mad, or sad, just no using angry words, and he has to go to his room until the anger or crying is done. He is allowed to haveemotions, and express them, in a healthy way, but im not gonna listen to the crying, or the negative attitude. He can cry all he wants or huff n puff (no yelling, or hitting walls, or throwing toys, ect) in his room. We talk bout the choices made and what would be a better choice next time after we have calmed down. Then we hug and say i love yous when all is right again.

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2 29

I find fish oil tablets help . . . if my son is getting feral I ask him if he's been taking them, and he usually replies "not lately".

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8 8

When my son starts too get crazy, I send him to his room and don't let him out until he calms down. There are only a few toys in his room and no TV or video games. He hates being confined to his room.

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HELP!!! I have a son who is almost 10. His behavior started when he was in diapers, and has not gotton better over the years, its only gotton worse. Way worse.. Were at our wits end with him, He has seen many different specialists, and behavior teams through out his whole life, He is on 2 different meds at this time after basically being a ginny pig with any meds possible.. he is at the strongest dose for his age and size, on the one med which has helped a little. It only seams to help when he is in a good mood, if not. he turns into a monster. so to speak...
He has done so many things, that has taken a gigantic toll on me and my family.
Through out his life he has done the following ( on a daily basis ):
sneaking out of the house all hrs of the night or day, throws everything that is not nailed down, tables, dressers, matresses , toys, shoes, eggs around the house through the night, he has even threw scissors at his brother, and even a knife at me ( missed me though ) we had to throw all our kitchen knives in the garbage, cause we kept finding his mattress cut up and knives stashed in his room, he breaks everything, puts holes in the walls, rips screens in windows,
when he got out of the house he got into trouble, lots of trouble. and now when he goes out to play, he goes out the door and runs right out the boundaries, when he comes back, he has been kicked out of some local stores for stealing, kids are after him, we found pocket knives on him that we have never seen before, and he goes to call on friends, if they arent there he has actually gone into their house to put back a game he had aparently borrowed. its to the point that aside from school he hasnt been ablew to go outside at all, i know thats not good either, but even if i were to go with him he wouldnt stay with my, and going to the park, he throws rocks and runs all over hitting people.
We have done everything from reward systems, to trying to spend more time with him, doctors, ect.. we havent had any luck, he is getting harder to manage, i dont want to give up, it just feels like we are sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop.. almost 9 years of this, and no one has been able to do anything to stop it, we've tried everything, it feels like were out of options. hes heading down the wrong path and we cant stop it...thought maybe someone out there might have some new ideas or something...

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4 16

Wow, Dee. I cannot even begin to imagine your frustration, stress and sadness. You said "we are at our wits end" - I'm assuming that is your husband you are referring to? And if so, is that your sons biological father? Perhaps if it is not, he is acting out about his biological father being absent? How is he at school, and what are his teachers doing to keep him focused? Have you tried getting him involved in sports? Your post is heart-breaking. It seems as though you have tried any and everything to help your son. My brother (now 33yrs old) was a total nightmare when we were growing up. I am 2yrs older, and we are eachothers only siblings. My parents were in a similar position as you. He would wiggle his way out of time-outs, hit my Mom, take butcher knives and put them in his toy box, he would be mean to me and hurt me - seemingly on purpose, he was mean to the neighborhood kids, he was not staying on task in school and was often in trouble. If he was upset about something (in his toddler years) he would destroy anything in his path - even smearing his own fecies on his bedroom wall. Pediatricians put him on Ritalin and it only helped a little. My parents were consistent with him though. If he did something wrong - there was a consequence. He snuck out one night as a teen-ager and was caught miles from home in a dangerous area skateboarding. The next day, my Dad made him take his skateboard, put it in the burn barrell, light it on fire, and watch it burn. That was the last time he ever did that again. We had to work, picking berries, every summer beginning at age 12 so that kept him out of trouble during the non-school year. He evenutually over the years calmed down (on his own) and is now a father of 3 and doing great. He is an amazing Dad, and a hard-worker. There is hope - so try to keep your chin up.

6 18

Have you had him evaluated for Autism or Aspergers (which is an Autism Spectrum disorder)? Could he possible be developmentally delayed or mildly mentally retarded?? Keep seeking out the answers. Try to see if there are any agencies in your area that offer assistance for behaviorally challenged kids.

8 8

My daughter is now 30 and was just diagnosed as bipolar II, with hypomania. She never got into the trouble your son is in, but anytime we disciplined her or told her there was a consequence, the screaming and defiance began. When she turned twelve she began anorexia. She told me this year, it was the only thing she could control. She complained for years of inability to sleep and her thoughts constantly swirling. She also focused on one thought (it did not matter what it was) and then everything became dark. Don't give up. Tell your son every single day, every hour how much you love him, how precious he is to you, and that he was given to you to help in some way. My daughter ended up in rehab at 24 for anorexia, then still struggled with sleep, rages and wild thoughts until her diagnosis. The medication helps, but now that she knows, she is learning to live with it. If your child can sit for a moment, teach him meditation -- how to concentrate on his breath. We have had 30 years dealing with her -- and underneath the troublesome soul, I saw the sweet, beautiful daughter she truly was. Now she is happier, and finding her way.

0 0

A lot of it has to do with diet. There's not really actual food in food anymore. Read the labels--its all chemicals. It's starting to affect our children. It's causing neurological problems---ADD/ADHD, OCD, "Autism Spectrum Disorder"-I put that in quotes because Autism is so over and wrongly diagnosed, ODD, Etc. Doctors are making it worse by putting kids on meds instead of cutting out the horrible foods that are causing it.

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0 0

We have been taking care of my grandson since he was a baby now hes 61/2 yrs old. very stubborn, he is doing good at school. he makes faces, noices to kids so they laught and is the way for kids to like him. When he gets home and doesn't want to do something he gets angry, call us I hate u , no respect at all , we give him time out, take things away then we talk to him when he settles down. He see his dad ones a wk for 11/2 hr and every third wknd. his mom is my daughter doesn't come often to see him and she gets him 2nd wknd for only 1 day and half. My husband is 64 yrs old and me 61. we got guardianship . he is been going to a parochial school this is his third year.

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0 0

my son is 14 yrs old not listening to us not eating good food not studying well always playing with street boys irritating us we feel like to beat him punish him severely.

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0 0

I have a 9mos old son, He is such a happy child but lately specially when he is annoyed or mad he hits or grabs peoples faces. He does is alot when kids are in his space but he is in Daycare and I need to come up with a way to stop this and teach him Different any suggestions???

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1 16

Finding an activity that channels the behavior is helpful. My daughter is a VERY strong willed girl...she is also physically strong. These traits can be quite beneficial, especially in todays society but having both of these elements in a pre-teen girl on the verge of puperty can cause a firestorm of the utmost proportions...LOL!!! My husband and I knew early on that she was going to be a handfull and yes, we've made some mistakes alsong the way, but for the most part I think we've done pretty good with her and one of the best decisions we made was to enroll her in Tae Kwon Do. She has been studying for almost 2 years now and is about to promote to her high red belt. For Christmas we bought her a heavy bag to practice on and let me tell you, if you want something to let some aggression out on this is IT! TKD has given her self confidence as well a self-control, which sadly is lacking in many of today's kids. She still has her moments, heck every kids does, but if you have some type of outlet for it (any physical activity will do) then things can go much smoother. Good luck to you & God bless :)

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3 9

I have a three year old daughter who is much like what most of you are discussing. She is very willful and stubborn. We jokingly refer to her as our little adult because she soesn't understand that she isn't the boss of everyone. But, all joking aside it is very trying and exhausting sometimesdealing with someone so small will so much will and strength. I have a mild birth defect called Cerebral Palsy wich inhibits my equilibrium sometimes. She's already learning how to use my off balance to her advantage. Her dad and I keep working on new ways to work with her and somedays are better than others. She is very much a mirror child, if i tell her something, the next time she wants me to do something she will use the same words and tone back at me. I am slowly learning that paitience is my going to be my biggest weapon.
We spent 15 minutes in the groecery store chasing her because I let her out of the cart and she ran circles around the store before we could catch her. By the time we did my husband and I wre so exhausted we didn't really want to shop. She was laughing because she thought it was a game. We've tried explaining the dangers of doing things like this but she doesn't fully understand. It is definetally an uphill battle. I just keep reminding myself that she's still God's gift and I have to do my best. We have found that ging her positive reinforcement by telling her bad choices has concequences and good choices have rewards seems to be making some headway.

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7 7

I know exactly what you mean joking "little adult." andmy son does the same thing in usung my words back at me! I fully understand how draining it is. I have found that explaining to my son in the moment of a bad decision, that he has two choices, continue yorbehavior, which is a bad choice, or take this chance to make agood choice. It works so well! Also, he really enjoys contributing. He loves to work and do chores! Itmakes him feel grown up, and important. I am so dreading his teenage years! Lol! I cant even imaging how much his stubborness will grow! Lol

5 12

My son had emotional disorders that would cause him to be aggressive. Each situation is different however what worked for us was "safety holds" (taught by a professional), physical activity... he and I would swim laps until he could calm down enough to discuss the situation. He was allowed to be angry but not to hurt someone else if he needed time to calm down he had a safe area in his bedroom, he could sit quietly listen to music, read, draw whatever it took. I also am a firm believer in aromatherapy in conjunction with coping skills. Lavender, vanilla and chamomile work in my opinion.

Using a plug in warmer in his room helped to keep that a sanctuary for him.
He is now 21... and still uses the warmers and other coping skills he has learned.

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how did you get your son to stay in his room during fits? I bag e the same "safety plan". My daughter knows she is supposed to go in room until she can calm down ,but when she is caught up in a fit she does everything but. Instead she comes after me: hitting, kicking & throwing things at me. I usually lock myself in my room until she calms down.

5 12

Part of the safety holds I learned helped... if he was throwing things or lashing out where he was a danger to himself or someone else he was placed in the hold... basically I wrapped him in a hug and didn't let go ... he learned really quickly that it was better to go to his room than to be in a hold. BEFORE ATTEMPTING ANY SAFETY HOLD you NEED to be trained!!! for your safety and that of the child. But Please understand that my son was hospitalized 17 times in 9 years... he has punched me, hit me, kicked me, swore at me, thrown things at me... I didn't give up, nor did I allow him those behaviors... if the child understands that what they are doing is wrong in the moment (my son did not, his body reacted and he didn't realize what he was doing) the consequence should be appropriate. IF the child is reacting without thought... yes there should be a consequence, but it should be tempered with understanding. I have called the police to have him transported and cried my eyes out while admitting him to the hospital. It is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. But my eye was on his future... teaching him to cope and learn how to live in society so that he wouldn't be forced into institutions for the rest of his life. I would like to share the positive outcome of all of this....He is now 21, no longer medicated, he lives independently, has held his job for 5 years and is helping to care for his elderly grandparents.

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178 0

An aggressive child is reacting to some kind of stimulus. Maybe even a positive stimulus (like positive attention for a good project at school or something). If they're acting out, they need help, simple as that. That's not to say you should just put up with the behavior. But, reacting by yelling or using physical punishment probably won't get you anywhere. If it's possible, let them get it out of their system (safely) and when they calm down is when you can try to talk to them about what's going on. Young kids get angry or overwhelmed and they go to a place in their brain where you really can't get through to them. Once they come back is when you can communicate and get to the root of the issue.

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I read through all these comments. I have to say, it is comforting to know that I am not alone. I am a single mother, my daughter is 9. Her father passed away when she was a baby, so its always been just her and I. As of right now, she is diagnosed ADHD, with a mood disorder NOS (not otherwise specified). I am a Parent Educator (certified through age 5), and have a Masters Degree in mental health counseling. My background makes it even harder for me to deal. I know what I have to do, which should theoretically be effective parenting. I have been a affectionate parent. When she was little, we had a routine, I read to her every night. My weekends have always been set aside for quality time with her. While I was in school, my parents watched her. It has been the 3 of us consistently for her whole life. However, I do believe that her not having a father plays a big part in our problems. I can say that I do NOT give in to tantrums, but as she gets older (and bigger- she ways over 100 lbs already), it gets harder and harder to follow through. She is getting braver and more physical when she has her fits. When I give her time outs or set limits I can almost guarantee that something in the house is going to get broken. Last night, we spent sometime at the Crisis Center. I had to tackle her to the ground twice in order to restrain her from hitting, kicking, and throwing things at me. The counselors there confirmed what I already knew- she doesn't know why she gets so angry. She really just looses control of her actions when she is mad. See does see a counselor and is on Medication (against my better judgement. Meds were my last resort, but after 5+ years of dealing with these behaviors, I decided to give them a shot). I am going to continue to look for ways to help my daughter become a successful adult. Until then, I am thankful for sites like this for moral support to help me along the way.

Thank you!

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hi there my name is kerry i am mum to a 9yr old boy who is verbally,physically and emotionally abusive he did have a tough start in life but this past yr he has been acting out both at home and school he has a b.s.t and being refered to a clinical pshycologist.Has anyone else been refered to one of these of so could u please tell me what they do please as dreading getting the appointment for assessment.Many thanks

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I think it is great that you are bringing him to see a spychologist. It isn't a scary thing, they will just ask you and him some questions about his behaviors & what triggers him. Then they will suggest solutions (counelsing, maybe medication). I have a 9yr old with the same issues. She has been on medication for the last 6mos- a year & since then, she hasn't had any problems at school. I do still have a hard time at home with her. She sees a counselor regularly to work on anger managment strategies.

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0 15

I find that my child has a difficult time with controlling her anger. Fish oil is something I was recommended to do by a naturopathic that I took her too. She also recommended no red dye in foods.

Love and Logic. Ebay it or ipod the book. Helps give you REAL solutions.

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1 19

My son is ADHD,but i never heard of ODD,he is sometimes full on, be good 2 know more of it just 2 be on the safe side.

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5 40

How do you stop a toddler from throwing temper tantrums ONLY when his father is present. My son turns into a demon when his father is around. Now not only when his dad is around does he occasionally BUT it is more so when he is around. I don't know why either. Any suggestions??????

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Perhaps it's because his father gives in to this escalating behavior? Your son probably knows if he kicks and screams enough Dad will eventually give him what he wants, but with you there's less chance. Just a suggestion :)

7 3

My 2-year old is the same way. He is so much better when daddy is not around. I was wondering if he needed more attention from his dad?

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1 5

I suggest that anyone with an overtly aggresive child have them evaluated. My son is both ADHD and ODD. If you have never heard of ODD it is Oppisitional Defiant Disorder. This is serious. If not diagnosed and worked on early enough the individual can become sociopathic. My son is not the most empathetic individual but with counselling and a lot of hard work on mine and his schools parts, he has become a decent young man.

I urge anyone with a child that is overly aggressive to PLEASE have them evaluated. It is also a help to you to know that you are not the one causing this and to have some guidance on how to raise a child of this kind.

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I have to agree there. Mine is the same way but is more ADHD than ODD but still shows the signs of ODD.

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I was sure it was me when he first started exhibiting the signs, but he really does have a condition that needed behaviour modification.

87 12

That's not even a real thing. It's just a way to label children who's parents have failed them. I used to work with a boy who supposedly had this and was an angel for me. He only acted out with people who gave him what he wanted if he acted that way. When I was little I could have been categorized as having that, but it was just that i had parents who were neglectful and abusive failures.

87 12

Treatment of ODD involves therapy, special types of training to help build positive family interactions... <-see a parent's job was not done.

1 5

Kyrie, You obviously do not have a child who is like this. I NEVER gave in to my child. He DID have a condition and you are completely ignorant if you do not understand that. I am NEVER neglectful and was NEVER abusive to my child. You are incredibly ignorant if you base your entire outlook on ONE boy who you USED to work with. That is the utmost in arrogance on your part. I hope that you never have a child like this because I fear what would become of it.

0 16

Kyrie, that is extremely judgmental of you. I do believe that SOME parents do let their kids get away with everything, and give in to everything, and that is a recipe for disaster. Yes, some parents and neglectful, and abusive, and failures of parents, but that is really not fair of you to say there is NO such thing as this disorder. I am a teacher, and I do see that drs are quick to diagnose, and some children really are fine and the result of bad parenting, but there are children who do actually suffer from these disorders. You completely ignoring that it is a real disorder is hurtful to the children, and also very judgmental to the poor parents who really are trying everything. You putting the blanket statement out there that it is not a real thing is extremely uneducated, and very unsupportive of the families struggling with these problems.

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@Kyrie. Unless you have a medical degree, I think it is incredibly reprehensible for you to discredit a diagnosis that a parent has for his/her child from a licensed physician. And to further indicate that the condition is actually due to a lack of proper parenting is disgusting. While I do recognize that sometimes the attitudes and behaviors of children are a direct cause of parenting (or a lack thereof), this is not always the cause. I am a Master's Degree level educator, and I have taken many courses that deal directly with the cognitive development of children. There are some children who have been properly raised and disciplined who still have issues. I have had students in the past who have had major issues with behavior and they have excellent parents. Furthermore, I have dealt with families where there is an issue with only one child but the others are fine. Are you to say that the parents did not then properly parent the one child? While our society is over-diagnosing at times, I do believe you cannot discredit all diagnoses or make a parent feel he/she is doing something to harm his/her child if you do not know.

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Kyrie that is a very uneducated comment to make. As far as I know you cannot make a clinical diagnosis. Many parents do not seek help because people say it is their parenting so it's their problem. That is not always the case.

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we are all just trying to help are children Kyrie Smith maybe you could say something positive!!!

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WOW! I think because you had neglectful & abusive parents, you have a different way of looking at things! I know from experience that this is a true diagnosis! ADHD & ODD! My son is diagnosed with both & I feel like I am a VERY strict parent! I find myself thinking that I am a B*** because I am always correcting or punishing my son! I'm not going to go into all the things he does b/c I would be here all night! But, I will say that my parents raised 7 children & only 2 have showed signs of ODD! They raised us all so, if it wasn't a real problem, then why do some of us live, responsible, law abiding, drug free, & non-abusive lives? But, my siblings cannot?

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14 3

this is actually something i'm having dificulty with at the moment my son is 3 1/2 and he's started hiting me alot more when he can't get what he wants, i'm also 6mths pregnate so quite often i have to leave the room when he has a melt down to protect both my self and the baby from the violence, i actually really need some advice as to what i could do when this happens and i'm on my own with him. it's gotten to the point where his father n nani(my mum) need to always be near in case it happens. Can anyone help me with this issue

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10 4

Tabitha, I'm so sorry you're having suchba hard time. As difficult as it will be, you MUST regain control as a leader in your home. What do you think will happen once the baby is born? Your toddler's behavior will only worsen. If there is serious rage going on, try seeking a child physcologist. Or sit down with your husband and work out a discipline plan. You both need to be on the same page and support each other. Whatever you choose, be firm and consistent, talk things through each night with dad and set next steps. Try to find out where the negative behavior is coming from. And every discipline action should be followed by a conversation about expectations, consequences, proper behavior (and why), and love. I empathize with where you're coming from. I have a highbsoirited, often stuborn child and he's that way by nature. Lol, gets it from mommy! We must be very firm with him. He knows hitting is not permitted but he does lose control once in awhile. No matter what the reason though, if he hits he goes into the corner. He is also oraised for positive behavior though. Kids love positive reinforcement. Expect him to fight you discipline but stay firm and let him scream it out. He MUST learn you are in control. This is how we keep our children safe and teach them how to be successful adults. If he hits you, hold down his arms and get on his eye level. Do not raise your voice or get angry. Firmly tell him what you expect and because he broke the rule he will have a consequence. Once the discipline is over, explain. Whatever you do, don't give up. God gave children parents for a reason and it you're persistent you can prevail :) Good luck!

14 3

Thanks Lashonda, it has been a dificult few months, my son loves the baby so much that sometimes he wont let us near him. We have recently learnt that he has Aspergers (Autisum Spectrum Disorder) it has now become that when he has meltdowns he goes to his bed to calm down he doesn't often strike out at us anymore he will still strike out at any of his peers if he feels threatened or something goes drastically wrong in his routine. We are doing our best, somedays r worse than others, but now that he's going to preschool he's learning slowly the rules of society.

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0 13

struggling rigth now with my 6 year old..very aggresive, I would love some feed back!!...today he has been prescribed focalin for the ADD...

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2 0

my son was given ADHD mediciation at 4 because he not only had ADHD but O.D.D. and I can tell you that medication has helpped. He still has behavioral issues when the mediciation wears off at home, but he doesn't have the issues at school. When he was 4, he was going to be kicked out of preschool, after testing and therapy and having an amzing dr he was able to get the help he needed. I would try the medicine and see if it helps.

10 9

too many kids are being overdiagnosed with adhd, only to convenience boring teachers and not enough attention at home. Has nyone ever noticed how a kids who's diagnosed with ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER can actually play a playstation (or anything else that truly interests his attention) for 2 hours without loosing any concentration????

14 3

Tatev Petrpssian have u ever met a person with ADHD that wasn't on their meds, let me say i have, in fact i married him when he forgets to take his meds he is a very dificult person to be around and his concentration is very absent, when he takes them he is quite a pleasant person to be around and like u said can sit their for hours playing games or doing his school work. then there is my lil sis when she hasn't had her meds in the morning she is so distracted that she can't even eat let alone play games or learn, once her meds kick in she actually can get stuff done. so don't go sprouting about how kids r being over-diagnosed for convenience of teachers and parents. Drs take a lot into consideration before they diagnose a person these days weather it be a child or adult, they don't want to miss-diagnose because its their licence thats on the line if they get it wrong. so stop preaching and learn some more first

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0 19

I am raising a granddaughter who is the light of my life. The problem is my daughter, her mother, who is anything but. I love her dearly but when she chooses to make an appearance and then leave again, usually for days...we pay hell. I know the six year old is angry, hurt and feels abandoned. She lashes out at me and is stubborn as a mule. It's been my thought to tell my daughter to stop coming around until she is ready to be mom. I feel it is unfair to both of us that she behaves in such a way. It is important to me that they have a relationship but this is not good for the little one. Any help?

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87 12

Don't let your daughter come around. It can cause your granddaughter permanent emotional damage with her going through this at this age. They can have a relationship when she is grown. My best friend in high school was raised by her grandparents and didn't really see her mom until she was grown and now they are friends and my friend is well adjusted while her little sis who was raised by her mom is all kinds of messed up. If she doesn't want to be a mom, she's no kind of example to have around a child.

3 12

i am in the same boat except I am a Foster Mum. My kids settled right down once Mum was no longer in the picture to confuse them and bring back bad memories. Sometimes its in the best interest of the child. Good Luck

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126 11

Hmmm, this very much depends on a number of factors:
Age of the child...is it developmental and just needs guidance and patience (and self restraint as well as consistency)
The gender...if it is a boy, then they are naturally more aggressive, especially when they get theor regular testosterone boosts
Your definition of aggressive - this could be willful stubborness with the odd hurled toy or slap when really frustrated of hurt or out and out physical fisticuffs or manic behavioural episodes.
The latter more likely needs intervention, but all can be helped using your own self confidence and knowledge of your child, as well as referring to friends, peers or books.
I personally have gotten stricter with each boy, but in fewer circumstances so I pick my battles. I have also resigned myself to a career as a shouting fishwife, and a serial user of time out, confiscation and occasioally a hot bottom. I am lucky the aggressive behaviour I deal with is all absolutely normal, if not completely infuriating.

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87 12

Children should not be punished for being aggressive. If they are being aggressive then something is causing it. You should first correct the root of the problem and once that is fixed then sit down and have a short conversation so that a toddler can understand what is not okay and why. My children are not aggressive regularly. When they are it is just playing rough and never hitting or biting because I taught them empathy. My youngest is 3 and my oldest will be 5 in a week. Occasionally they test boundaries and I have to put them in their place whether it is a short time out (no more than 5 minutes, long ones teach them NOTHING), just a stern lecture, or just a calm and mature verbal correction. Most of the time with mine they just got a little too excited from something going on and needed to be reminded that normal rules apply (this happens with out of state visitors), or they are tired because we are making a late night visit to Walmart. I which case we get in and get out so the kids can get to bed because it is not their fault they are tired and cranky and not thinking straight because we have them up past bedtime. lol, my children are ALWAYS complimented on their outgoing personalities, intelligence, and behavior.

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1 14

I'm sorry don't agree with you Kyrie, except in the case of very mild mannered children (which sound like yours). I agree there is a reason for aggression, but that reason is not always appropriate. For example: my daughter doesn't like me talking on the phone, so she will hit or bite me to get my attention - there is a reason, but it absolutely needs punishment/consequence. Or the other night after her usual 3 bedtime stories she wanted more, so when I left the room she tore up one of her books. Again, I know the reason was because she was mad at not getting her way - but that doesn't mean it's ok. It is not because I have neglected to teach her empathy - she is just very strong willed and will constantly push the limits and test them. Its a constant battle to be consistent and strong about boundaries and consequences. Without 'punishment' or consequence for her actions, they spiral out of control.

87 12

My children did start out as mild mannered, they tested the waters like every other child. I have had my moments where i did too much and did too little and carefully observed the consequences of my actions to immediately adjust things next time something happens. It's not as easy as reading online that it's the child's fault because children are different. I just happen to have a history of babysitting alone since I was 7, also volunteering in church daycares a bit before and after that, then I took Child Development and Child Related Careers in high school, did some internships, worked for a before and after school program called HANDS for 1.5 years, and learned that all children as children, are exactly what their parents make them whether they are doing it on purpose or not. The most well behaved children are the ones whose parent react as mild-mannered as possible when the child does something wrong. I am a hot tempered and high strung person. My reaction would be to scream, throw things, and spank a child. I don't. If I feel like I want to then I just block out everything for a minute, breath deeply, and try to remember what I love about my family and how I want my children to turn out. The parents with the worst kids are the ones who either do nothing at all or who overreact/over punish their children. If your daughter is biting or hitting then she wasn't appropriately taught not to at some point. My children can be mad about not getting their way, but through you reacting appropriately, they learn that it is not okay. She is not doing those things because she is mad, being mad doesn't force you to react a certain way. You need to teach her appropriate actions and what is not okay. A child slamming a door and going into their room to spend some time alone cooling off is okay, it's a safe way to let off steam and much better than the other ways they can let off steam like tantrums, hurting others, breaking things, etc. Locking a door while in a room is not okay. After a lot of work my daughter gets angry, grumbles a bit, then goes into her room to lie down until the anger is gone and she is ready to talk. My son just cries and pouts when he is angry. They both tried everything that other children try when they get angry and I simply did not accept it and did not overreact. It's the same with other people's children. There was one boy who got very violent at the before and after school program and started attacking people and breaking things. I was the biggest adult there and simply sat down and held him for the half hour it took for him to calm down. My arms were scratched to shreds, my legs covered in bruises, and I had a few bite marks. He was in the 4th grade. I did not react to him hurting me. I acted as if it was nothing. I simple sat there hugging him. I talked to him calmly. He never did it again after that and had a new found respect for me. Every other adult there would have ignored him and allowed him to do damage while waiting hours for his parents to show up and do nothing or called the police. A child's actions should always be responded to immediately. This was a child who had been aggressive before, but never like that, and he was never so bad afterwards. ♥ Every child is malleable. They have personalities that make them different, but they all want to be loved and will do anything they can to get the approval of the ones they love. Perhaps you should think more about what you may be doing to upset your child and how you react and where you try to place the blame. I have yet to have a child try to be as nasty to me as I've seen them be to their parents.

5 4

Well,i have been asking my son ,who is now 6 yrs old to do deep breathing when he gets extremely aggressive,meditation helps to cool down the senses as well as gives lot of concentration.This has surely helped,would recommend moms to try it....:)...

10 9

AGREE with Kyrie!

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3 0

i let my 2 year old boy go to time out... he stays there untill he calms down and apologizes... there is NO leniency. maybe i should clarify.. by no leniency i mean he is not allowed out untill time is up.. he gets told before he gets a time out. and depending on the severity of the behavior he may be told more then once.

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10 9

and thats EXACTLY he will treat you when he's older...no leniency!

3 0

can you give me a situation where i would need his leniency?

126 11

Consostency is indeed the key with any approach...to some extent it doesn't matter how you deal with it, as long as it is a method you can feel comfortable implementing. Once you get there, then you have to keep it up and not back down. With young children we are helping them learn, and changing the goal posts routinely is not a useful thing to do. I think you are quite right Flo

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8 6

It took months to establish what was causing my toddlers aggression. First, I had to find out if she was in pain. Giving her pre bed tylenol showed that she was much less aggressive towards sleep. Then I had to figure out what made her so furiously angry that she would hold her sister and I hostage to her moods. At the same time as testing different toys for a few days to see her interaction, I had a special needs worker help show me how to physically restrain my child during her fits. That was an eye opener! After about two months, I was able to see that her aggression spiked when she believed she was not wanted because of her moods. This was dealt with using doll therapy. She would huck her doll to the floor and I would then treat the doll as if it was a baby and asked her to help me comfort the baby. She told me the reason why she threw the baby in anger and it helped me deal with how she was dealing with her own moods. Now, she can walk away some of the time, yells some of the time and only hits out about once a month. It has been a very long haul of 2 1/2 years for her to understand how to interact with people instead of against them.

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5 0

Try melatonin instead of Tylenol - it worked wonders for him and I have sleep issues too and it works for me as well. He is 8 and has generalized anxiety disorder, is quite aggressive and is being tested for other issues as well. Impulsivenss seems to be a major issue with aggresssion and he needs overcome his natural impulse to be agressive. We have worked with him on things that stop him and they have helped. We have to change them out every now and again and they need to be tailored to each child. We have been working with therapists for a little over a year and have made huge strides and improvements. It is tough but it can be done. I think we all know that a very structured environment is key along with sleep (we use Melatonin and are very strict with what we do at night - only a 1-2 times a month does his sleep get out of schedule) and getting him to recognize aggressive feelings that are coming and stop them B4 they get to out of control - that will be your tough one. We listed all his feelings, what made him act out and then discussed solutions. He felt he was a part of the solution and when they feel like they have ownership they are more apt to do it as he did. With him breathing didn't work and other punishments, time out, taking toys away (those are short term) - it was something he had to do - make things with his hands like snakes, bunny ears think shadows you would make on a wall works well for the time being. The different snakes and other things he makes are quite difficult so he really has to think and this alters his thoughts/impluse and he is physically doing something instead of violently doing something. A series of good books that follows the child from toddler to adult are by Jed Baker, PH.D and the one we are working on now is The Social Skills Picture Book - Teaching Play, Emotion and Communication to Children with Autism. He has another one similiar to this one for High School and Beyond, Preparing for LIfe, No More Meltdowns and Social Skills Training and Frustration Management - all that can be ordered online at Amazon.

8 6

Yes, Melatonin was also used. Actually, it still is otherwise she would never sleep! Her father does not know that I use this because he is exceptionally combative. I realize that this is a big part of the problem. As of yesterday the help we need from outside sources are starting to happen. I like the hand shadow idea, it will suit her personality. None of the regular things work for her at all. She has been learning to see her own feelings as her own and not to project them onto me. At 5 yrs, it is much harder for her than her sister. Her baby brother is now 7 weeks old and has been key to her stepping up to ownership of her emotions. I am doing everything i can to be very sure that she is involved and also gets special times too. It is exhausting yet well worth the effort that it takes. He smiles at her often and quiets down when she sings to him. It just makes her day complete to see everyone smile at her. It helps to say I need you whenever she does meltdown. I love you does not work as well for some reason so I am going with what does :)

7 33

I am a mom of 5 goin on 6 children I had a rough time with my 15 yr old whom did out grow stubbornness bullying mouthing off amoung other behaviors well 15 yrs later I have a 2 in half yr old whom is gettin violent with me and others hitting ppl head butting and biting I used all the tricks I have used on my other children and an naddah not to mention screaming like he is being murdered and he gets rough with his sibblings I'm worried what might happen after baby is born

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