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How do you respond when your little girl tells you all the kids at school are mean to her?

Children can mean to each other and hurt each others feelings without even realizing it. What do you do if your little girl comes home and says all the kids at school are mean to her?

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18  Answers

9 13

I had this problem and i went to the school to talk to the teacher who actually told me my daughter was lying. She said there wasn't a problem and my daughter was just trying to avoid gym class. So, i gave my daughter a small tape deck and taught her how to engage it without anyone knowing it was on...yes, you are right, i bugged my kid. And she went off to school and engaged the tape when she was being picked on. And guess what i heard...the teacher picking on her as well. I made an appointment with the principal and invited the teacher along, but not telling her why,
I explained the principal what my daughter had complained about, and knew the teacher wouldn't be able to keep her mouth shut and she did exactly what i expected...called my daughter a liar and a trouble maker and said my child was the one calling people names....and then i played the tape.....My daughter was allowed to go another classroom, with a much nicer teacher and that teacher didn't return the next year.

4 12

Wow, unbelievable. I had a similar situation in preschool with a playground helper but I didn't think about wiring my kid. I'm pretty sure the helper wasn't being honest with me either. Glad you were able to bust her and help your child. This year we start kindergarten and I pray she doesn't have a teacher like this!

1 2

It's bad enough that her mates pick on her, but her teacher too!! That's downright mean and unacceptable. Good for you and your child; playing the sleuth like that :-).

4 13

You would expect a teacher to be the one to stand up for kids, it's sad that your child had to go through this. Sounds like the principal did the right thing, though.

33 2

Wow you are one smart Mommy! I am so glad it worked out. I was bullied from K-12 small town, one school same people. I am terrified my kids will go through it, although my first just started school in sept and so far so good. My daughter's teacher is amazing this year as well, although we are paying to put her in a Montessori school, so maybe that is helping. I will definitely file this idea away just in case.

4 0

Pretty impressive.

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76 32

Last year my son was coming home in bruises every day and when i asked where he was getting them a certain boys name kept cropping up in converstation and rather than go to the teacher i went to the childs mother (we talk in the playground anyway). on the day i was going to talk to her i didnt even get to say hello before she told me HER son was covered in bruises everyday because of MY son. when i told her what my son had told me we both burst out laughing they were just boys being boisterous boys, playing rough and tumble, no bullying had been going on at all!

Also this year he was coming home every day saying the same girl had been hitting him punching him, kicking him in his nether regions, strangeling him, nipping him, biting him, i went in to see the teacher numerous times and every time got the same answer "shes like it with everyone" , in the end she had to be removed from the class and placed with older children who could "handle" her behaviour. IMHO social services should have been alerted about her as its no way for a 5 year old girl to be bahaving and she's obviously either learnt it from somewhere or got alot of anger in hern from circumstances at home.

anyway, in both cases i nipped it in the bud straight away. If something like bullying is going on you should always speak to the teacher / paretns of the other child.

11 0

I know not all is going to agree with me, when my oldest son was in 6th grade he was being picked on by a group of boys it was bad they would try to throw him down stairs and tell him they were going to shot him if he told I went to the school many times and nothing was being done even called the big wigs at the board of education they put more teachers on patrol between classes but it didn't help so I taught him how to fight and told him if anyone puts a finger on you start swinging and don't stop till they hit the floor, a few days go by I get a phone call he's been in a fight he won the fight and the rest stopped picking on him.

5 10

Amanda Im with you on this. I understand completly. I have honestly flat out told my little girl, after she was coming home from preschool with bruises and bite marks. If the teacher didnt listen and didnt stop the other girl from hurting her...then if it happened again, she had my permission and full support to punch her. She is 5 now and I still tell her that. I tell her while she may get in trouble with the teachers she will not get in trouble at home for it if she is defending herself. Though She will be in more trouble than she can imagine if she ever tries to be a bully herself. Shes a good girl though she always tells me its not nice to hit. Though I know she will defend herself if necessary. I love my mother, but wish to god she had done more for me when I was a child. I was tormented in elementary school and middle school by everyone. She never once did anything for me even when I came home crying every single day. No teacher stood up for me either. Words can leave lasting issues I know first hand. And kids can be so nasty sometimes.

4 0

Of course, what you did was right, Amanda. From a distance of a 1,000 yards, a teacher can tell you the provisions for 15th year pension coverage, but not notice a child getting pushed and bullied each day.

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61 1

Mean, nasty, ill-mannered children who have been taught nothing productive at home. Yet another reason we are home schooling. No distractions and loads of learning.

18 0

I have a beautiful daughter who complains about the kids at school, but homeschool is not an option for me. However, ALL the families I know that homeschool report there are sibling problems now and then, but the parents take care of that, not an uninterested teacher. I think my daughter would really benefit from homeschooling. I wish there was a homeschool I could send her child to!!!

8 3

Don't ignore her telling you something is wrong. Nip it in the bud. Have a parent teacher conference(phone or face to face) with the teacher. Get a hold of the school counselor and let him/ her know what is happening. If it continues to go on, get ahold of the principle. Your little girl looks up to you for her better interest. I had a teacher who picked on my son. I had a phone conference and she was very upset that I questioned her. This is obviously a problem if she is telling you so.

45 17

I agree that our children look to us for help, and how we handle it may determine if they ever return to tell us anything in the future.

8 3

That's right. If they can't confide in you when they have something going on in their life, they will seek others to confide in and it may not always be the right people to trust.

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1 30

Unless it is becoming a regular problem or physical, I validate the feelings help them to find the "truths" of the hurtful words. I encourage them to take control themselves and speak to the teacher often times it is fixed after that. My daughter this year got the one teacher she had dreaded getting all summer. About a month it so ago after her complaining regularly and telling her counselor in tears every week we met with the principal. Turns out the only issue is that the teacher has a volume issue which we already knew but due to some family issues she has become very sensitive to loud voices over the last few years. So everything someone raises there voice she gets emotional. The principal alerted the teacher to the problem and weve not had any trouble since! As a side note the teacher was aware of her problem and was making effort to correct her loud voice.

99 48

Ahhh. Poor lil munchkin. I feel for her. That a heart-hurt too for a mama to hear.

FIRST AND FOREMOST....she DESERVES a hug!! Apologize. Reassure her. When she asks you "why", tell her. YOU DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER TO HER QUESTION MAMA. I know we, as parents, wished we had all the answers, all the time. Well we don't. Be honest. Give her the honest answer she deserves. Give her an alternate NICER explanation for the other children's behavior.

Inform her that you can help her figure out what to do next time. DO NOT SOLVE THIS PROBLEM FOR YOUR CHILD. DON'T DO IT. Instead, let her know that together you and she can TRY to fix it. ASK HER ASK HER ASK HER.................. FIRST-if she knows what she can do next time they are hurtful towards her. Yes or no.....GIVE her an example of how YOU try to fix it when it happens to you. Share with her that people are mean to "big kids", "adults" too. People your age are mean to you or have been as well. THAT MAKES YOU HUMAN MAMA AND EVEN COOLER..... :P

So.....Imagine this: She comes home from school, crying, upset, sad, etc. Tells you that some "kids" or one "kid" or a certain "kid" (i prefer the word child or children, but this is the word children use), said some mean things to her. What do you do?

Ahhh....your heart breaks a little for her. That's the first thing. Hug her and IMMEDIATELY. Then say something like, "Oh honey, I'm sorry this has happened to you. You must feel really sad (and that's the emotion they feel). What they did was wrong, but it had nothing to do with you."

Now, she's going to ask you "why" or "why did they say that or why are they always picking on me?" and so forth. Well.....YOU DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER MAMA. Try to remember that.

So, say something like this: "I don't know why they were acting that way. It's not nice to do things like that to other people. Maybe that child was having a bad day and took it out on you. I don't know. But I DO KNOW, that NO ONE deserves to be treated like that.

She will probably ask at some point what she should do the next time. Or more likely, she will say she doesn't want to go to school anymore or doesn't like school anymore. Poor thing.... :P

Tell her you can'f fix this problem BY YOURSELF. Tell her you need HELP so you can help her (children love to help mama) figure it out. Make it important TO HER and FOR HER. LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN to whatever she tells you. Then go from there. Tell her that "even mama gets picked on sometimes."

Whatever you decide to do and say to your daughter, keep in mind that we, as parents, should ALWAYS take the high road when it comes to other children's behavior. We DON'T KNOW why they act the way they do. YOU aren't their parent, so YOU cannot speak for them. But YOU are a parent to yours, and that's all that matters. Your child should gain many things from this experience:

Hurt, Sadness, Isolation (the other children's actions), Confusion, Love (from your hugs), Reassurance (that it's NOT her, after all), and Faith (that you believe in her and she can do it).

I would also SUGGEST that you tell your daughter that IF (not the NEXT TIME-you will scare her-don't say NEXT) this happens again, your daughter can say to them: "I don't like what you said/or did. It makes me feel sad inside. I can still be your friend, but only if you are nice. If you don't want to be nice to me, then I can't be your friend RIGHT NOW." Then leave.

She should also tell her teacher how the other children have been behaving towards her. She can or the teacher may even suggest ways she can respond favorably to the other children. That's what we are there for.

Good luck to you and your daughter. One more thing: Your daughter needs to understand that there is the possibility this will happen again (and it will). However, feel safe and proud in the knowledge that you've helped her problem-solve and given her the right tools to do so. :p

12 0

As a teacher and a parent, I have had to deal with this in my classroom and with my kids. The teacher is there to make sure school is a safe place to learn. If the teacher won't stand up for a child, who will?

33 2

What can a teacher do when the abuse happens when their back is turned. If they have to step out of the class for a minute, and this happens, they have no control over the classroom.

18 0

My daughter has had trouble with this all year long. At first she tried to 'buy' friendship by bringing the other children who were rude to her little toys. Then the kids started demanding more. I told her you don't have to buy friends and to stop that behavior. Now it is exclusion. Not invited to play games, left out of parties. My daughter is no angel, but she can get along. She told me recently that she often forgets to remind her dad and I that she can bring a snack to school because her lunch time is so late. She says that the girl next to her will pull out a big bag of chips (not MY snack of choice) and dole out the chips to all the other children but my daughter, meanwhile reinforcing this behavior with words: "So-and-so gets to have some chips and you don't". I asked the teacher to move my daughter and she said "kids must learn to get along with each other". My daughter doesn't say anything, but I feel her sadness and frustration. I remind myself constantly to get her her OWN snack, but I fall through the cracks. I just feel bad for her that this kind of behavior is tolerated by the teacher. If my daughter complains, she is labeled as a troublemaker.

0 0

First of all .... mean to her how? Like not letting her play a game a recess? Not sharing a secret? Or by actual name calling or body contact? Girls will be Girls! We say it about boys and we tell them to toughen up when something happens. Yes girls are more fragile and emotional. You really have to look at this from all perspectives.
If my daughter came home with an issue about how the other kids are mean to first question is what happened/why do you say that? It is really simple ... not everyone gets along all the time. We all have moments where we make a choice to engage with others either positive or negative.
If we don't start teaching our girls not to sweat the small stuff and focus on more important things then their adult lives are going to put them all in therapy. I don't approve of bullying of any type physical or verbal, so let's be clear. But, really if your child doesn't get along with some of her classmates, playing or working in groups sometimes, that isn't a reason to call the school. You don't get to choose your co-workers. You don't get to choose the situations you will deal with on a daily basis. What you do get to choose is how you will handle that person or situation.
If we stop trying to "SAVE" our children from our own experiences - which by the way helped shape us. And GUIDE them through it, maybe a little better that what we were taught things would be different.
I love my children very much but I always try to remember I am not raising two children, I am raising two adults.

0 0

13 0

I had this problem with my little girl we moved and she started a new school she struggled to make friends and said that some of th kids where mean to her another little girl imperticular from day 1 picked on her I went to the school and spoke with them on several occasions I then kindly reminded them of their anti bullying policies and it got sorted , she seems to have settled well now and made a lot of friends with the help of the school , as there is nothing we can really do as we are not at the school the best bet is to speak with the school/ her teacher and get regular updates on how things are for your daughter I'm sure the teachers will keep a close eye on her if u go speak to them

15 51

First amd foremost speak to her teacher at school and get their opinion and deal with that appropriatley....another idea as much as you dont want to if it is found that a child is picking on yours, approach the parents or send an invite for the girl to come over and spend the day with you and your daughter, maybe just maybe the ''bully'' may get to know your daughter better and become an alli at school...

11 43

Focus on building her self-esteem and self-worth...the focus is to buid her up and raise her to feel confident enough about herself so she does not become an adult seeking out acceptance from others, still feeling the rejection that devastates her now...
Help her also by becoming involved with groups that focus on children and youth...this will provide you with opportunities to expose her more to milieus that are filled with positive reinforcement, open-arms caring and acceptance of her as a unique gift rather than a lonely child, who is cast aside because she is different instead of special and unique...

56 20

You have to remember with children everything is absolute. My son told me the same thing, but he had an extremely sweet and watchful teacher. When I asked her about it she told me there was one boy, one he was friends with off and on, that he had fights with sometimes. It wasn't everybody, all of the time, it was one boy sometimes. He wasn't lying, his brain just sees things as all or nothing, children that age do. I'd talk to her teacher, and if you aren't satisfied with what she has to say, talk to other teachers or the principal. Definitely talk to your child and try to help her if she isn't able to distinguish the difference between sometimes and some people and everyone all the time. Good luck!

14 25

Be careful about telling them to tell the teacher all the time they can be known as a complainer. My DD2 has no problem telling the teacher. We need to give them tools to help sort the issue out. For DD1 I heard a particular child was being mean to her, She is not a complainer and will suffer in silence. I asked the child over for a playdate so I could see what was going on and to allow them to be better friends. They are not best friends and the other child can still be mean but my child is not as affected by it as she was. My second child I now need to get her with the child she seems to have an issue with as well, my daughter tends to think people are mean when they do not want to play her game.. i need her to stop feeling sorry for herself and complaining.

9 11

We have had instances where our daughter has said that someone has been mean to her in some way. We often tell her to let the teacher/person in charge know about the situation, and at the same time, make sure that 1.) She didn't do anything to start the trouble to begin with and 2.) We also tell her that just as she needs to be nice to others, that no one should be mean to her. Often times, when she has been mistreated at school, the "guilty party" suffers the consequence. One time, a few boys were diong something mean to her, when she never started any of it, and both boys got their behavior cards turned to red for their bad behavior!!!!

45 17

I'm glad that the boys were "punished" but I still dont believe in the colored behavior cards. They're just gonna teach these children to hate certain colors, and these children may not even understand why they hate the color red or purple so much.

9 23

And if they are sent to their room when they are punished they will hate their room, etc. Maybe they should leave people alone and they won't have to hate a color. Kids who are acting out need consequences. Consequences should bring some sort of hurt or pain or taking away. However without not feeling sorry for committing the incident they will be repeat offenders.

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29 57

In my daughter's case, it wasn't the whole class. It was just one little girl. My DD kept coming home and telling me that this same little girl was mean to her and I was getting tired of hearing it. To make a long story short, I talked to the teacher b/c my daughter wouldn't, and told the teacher about the little girl being mean. It turned out that my daughter wasn't the only one getting picked on and that this little girl was just mean. I did feel bad for my DD when she would tell me that she cried b/c this other little girl hurt her for no reason what so ever.
I guess to answer your question, maybe you should ask her why she thinks they are mean to her and if it repeatedly happens maybe you could talk to her teacher and solve the problem together.
I hope that helps you somewhat. I guess I just felt bad for her and then talked to friends and family about what they thought I should do.

14 4

We nipped it in the bud immediately but this year we are going Further and homeschooling.

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