What do you do with a moody daughter?

How should you handle a daughter who is being temperamental or moody? What can you do to help calm her down?

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40  Answers

1 53

I am a mother of 4 girls. 4, 10 and twin 18yr olds. I believe that most of what is wrong with society as a whole is due to parents trying to be friends with their children. This is an extra and first and fore most, we are parents. Call me old fashion but I will not allow my children to run my house or "set the mood" in my house. I understand moods as well as my husband, with 5 girls in the house, but if they can not be nice or act nice then they have rooms to cool off in. If they get out of hand then they will get a spank or grounded. Out of all of my girls I have only had two temper tantrums. 1 from both of my youngest. There was no feedback when they did this so they didn't do it again. We ignored them and they stopped and to this day we act like it didn't happen. I have taught my girls from an early age that there are consequences for their actions when they misbehave. I believe that consistency and a sense of fear in our children is key. If they know that there will be nothing done every time or not at all then they will continue. Don't get me wrong, I do not have to spank my children hardly at all. I do talk to them as well. I am a very strong believer that if you do not show your kids twice the love in which you discipline them, then you shouldn't. Always tell your children you love them and how beautiful they are. My twins come to my husband and I both to talk about anything (to much sometimes) as well as the others and we all have fun and act silly. They both go to college and they are all very well rounded kids and Christian girls. Also, every one of my girls are different. I have a do it herself perfectionist that is very mild mannered,a high tempered drama queen and independent, a very needy dependent and my crazy loud go getter. Did I mention that I do not allow whining!! Super annoying!!!

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0 10

Hi Sarah, I too have 4 girls, and agree that there isn't enough discipline and parents are afraid to discipline their kids at the fear of possibly losing that friendship. I would like to believe that once you've done the hard yards the reward will be their friendship. I know my girls have on occassion when they were little would say, i'm not your friend anymore and I would respond thats fine because i'm your parent. and yes each of my girls have their own independant personality too. mum of 12,11,5 and 2. PS I am so over people saying don't you want a boy!!

2 13

I would say that most parents refuse to discipline their children because of what is drilled in the childrens' heads in regard to abuse. Children learn very early that parents cannot physically discipline them...all they have to do is tell a teacher that they were spanked and DCFS and the police move in...whether it happened or not... I believe if a child does something that could put their life or someone else's in danger, a swat might be in order...other infractions need different discipline...

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i am a mother of two girls, 8 and 3 years... to me raising them and seeing how well they are turning out is trully a pleasure. when my husband and i get to observe how our eight year old is so protective for her younger sis, we are nothing but truly moved. sibiling fight in our household is a rarity and my younger one tries to correct her elder sis's follies at times(in a playful manner). how did it happen?? the key is simply discipling them!! i had had the chance to work solely on my elder one( as the two are five years apart) and making her realize what we expect out of her!! she knows very well the her undue whailing or whinning is not going to do her any good and the only solution is to sit with her parents and talk about it!!! then its her fate what she is rewarded with later:) this has helped not only create a healthy environment but also has enabled both my girl to be really sensible and mature about their decisions!!

4 20

Right on Sarah! I love the way you think! I am a mother of 3 daughters 14, 13, 10 and agree I am their parent and NOT their friend. I don't let their mood control the house. They throw attitude and I simply walk away or send them away from the rest of us. The times I do get sucked into their drama it never ends well...things are said that are regretted and it becomes a vicious game of pushing eachothers buttons. I'm the mom when my girls were toddlers and would screamed in the store I would threaten to leave and many times I left full carts in the store just to not give idle threats. All too often I see kids scream for 10 mins only to have their parents give in...only teaching them it takes 10 mins of screaming to get their way.

0 1

I agree with your methods of disciplining and that bad or naughty behavior should not be rewarded. But I guess I didn't equate the question on "moody daughters" with whiny, disobedient, disrespectful or misbehaving in general. Or in running the house. I equated "moody" with "hormonal". My daughters (and my son) have never been allowed to set the mood in our house. If the question had been worded "how do you deal with your disobedient daughter", then I would have worded it differently. And really, why would disciplining a girl be any different than disciplining a boy? But it said "moody" so... :o)

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I agree with all of these comments and it's refreshing to see other Moms' raising children with many of the same beliefs; sons or daughters. Not sure that I agree that society as a whole has put these restrictions on us. When my children were younger, they did get spanked. Not hit...spanked on the bottom. They stood in the corner, had soap put in their mouth, wrote sentences until they were convinced their hands would fall off. If this is abuse according to my state, then the state could have stepped in any time and raise my children for me because if the discipline doesn't start early, the state WILL be raising a child will he/she is sitting in a Juvi home. Friends with my kids? Nope.....they have friends but only one Mom. I get one chance to get this right and prepare my daughters with *life skills* that they will need long after I'm gone. This goes both ways. I don't want my child to think that I'm their friend. I have friends as well. The moodiness definitely comes with the territory of raising daughters. Hormones, PMS, school, friends, boys,...etc. I'm sure I've been tackled with all of these at some point. I am very strict about the mood. If my kids can't find a way to communicate with me, they sure aren't going to be communicating with friends. I find taking away technology for a weekend straightens them up pretty quick. Everybody obviously has their own ways but I had to comment on this because I absolutely agree that it's impossible to raise respectful children into respectful adults when the parent is trying to be a friend.

1 4

Sarah.....What a refreshing answer. There are times I think that I am the only one with your point of view. I agree that so many of the problems parents have with their children are of their own making. If they concentrated on parenting instead of being friends we would all be in a better place. Between the parents that are afraid their children "wont't like them" and the pill happy doctors, is it any wonder we have children that are growing into adults that feel they are entitled to almost everything and unfortunately all too many addicts. I am a mother of 3 and grandmother of 2. I love them all and of course I would have loved to have had the luxury of being their friends however that wasn't my job. Raising well adjusted productive adults was. Fortunately I accomplished that. My oldest son passed away in his teens however my surviving children were very different. I could no more have treated my son as my friend, he would have walked all over me. My daughter on the other hand was and still is my best friend but she never once forgot who was the boss. So as I said your point of view is refreshing and I give you credit for your beliefs. It may not be the popular answer but it certainly worked for me as it appears to for you.

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Thanks, Sarah for the advice. I only have 1 girl and she is 15 months old. I am sure I will be able to use your advice as she gets older.

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This is wonderful. :-) Nice to connect with moms who are aware of cause and effect. I've heard so many mothers dismissing wild behavior with a shrug, and saying, "Well, kids will be kids." Right, but eventually, these kids turn into adults. Now is the time to learn how to behave. If they don't learn now, they're going to be in for some serious disappointment and frustration when they're out on their own.

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hello Sarah (love the name by the way) May I ask how you handled the drama queen and whining? have a 5 year old and also dont stand for children running the house hold. love her to bits but she can really push my buttons at the best of times. I dont let her get away with it but maybe i should try a different approach. so I was wondering what works for you?

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I don't think this question is about discipline, I think it's about helping her daughter learn to cope with the everyday stresses that are so much different then what we faced with as teenagers. I also believe that to many parents try to be friends with their children, but an iron fist isn't the answer either. You have to allow your child to learn and grow a bit on their own. There is nothing wrong with trying to understand your daughter's problems and helping her develop the tools she needs to cope.

1 0

As a Mom, I read the response and found myself confused and disappointed. If the question was how to avoid these issues, then it would have made sense. However great families, both Mom or Dad, may be disciplining and still have a "girl child" get moody or temperamental. It is not a new thing going around in families where the parent just wants to be friends instead of disciplining appropriately. A little help to those reading the answers of those that have been through it goes a long way. I wonder why a parent would want to respond to a question if it doesn't even apply to them? My daughter is 10, struggles in the mornings with moodiness, by mid morning her pleasant behavior kicks in. We struggle with how it seems to make for unhappy breakfast time. She is consistently temperamental in the AM. We have tried not responding, however to keep her moving through the morning to get to school on time we do not respond to the comments or behavior, just keep our eye on the task that needs completed. I would love if there was something that was a little more helpful in turning it around rather than enduring it.

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Thanks Sarah, I totally agree...

0 12

sad part is Ive tired most of these things, but when she comes back from her dad's house, my night is living hell... super whiny, super drama queen. I have told her its being a drama queen and she says "I dont care". There are only certain times when they get a spank. I have even gone as far now to get her a counselor for behavioral help. If she has a couple days home with Mommy, her brother and my boyfriend shes fine. I can talk to her when she gets upset and she usually claims right down, but after Dad's house...I running for the hills :(

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0 1

CHOCOLATE! :o) Seriously though, for me it has depended on what is causing the moodiness. I have 3 sisters, 3 daughters, several nieces and 2 granddaughters. Are they stressed? What's the reason behind their stress. What do *I* like to do when *I'M* stressed? Sometimes the daughter doesn't even recognize that she's being moody. I lovingly point it out and we discuss what she thinks might help. Sometimes she doesn't know, other times she realizes she needs chocolate or less people or "drive time", mom time or dad time. Basically I've found that there's no one answer that works. It depends on the age, the situation and the individual. Actually, I feel kind of badly for daughter number one because I didn't figure this out for years. Daughter number three is definitely getting the benefit of having older sisters. SO...I would suggest listening to your daughter...what she's saying and what she's not saying and go from there! I've found that even though they're young, they enjoy many of the same de-stressers that I like to use.

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Going to have to disagree 100% with you sorry... I think chocolate is only the answer if the question is how do I teach my child to emotionally eat ..... Really bad idea and I hope noone takes you seriously ...

0 18

I think it was supposed to be a lighthearted comment and not quite so serious :)

0 19

Honestly, you really don't need to take things so seriously. This will stress your kids out more than anything else.

0 1

Just curious to know if you read the whole thing. "Chocolate" was followed by "seriously though...". Do you disagree with the fact that sometimes the girl doesn't understand WHY she is moody? Do you disagree with lovingly pointing it out and discussing what she thinks she needs? Besides chocolate, things like "less people, mom time, dad time, drive time", etc. were suggested. It was even said "I've found that there's no ONE answer" and suggested that moms remember that even though their young, our daughters need to figure out de-stressers just like we do. I'm sorry that you read just the chocolate part and couldn't see the humor in that. Moodiness in our daughters is not a laughing matter. And I've seen moms not take this seriously. They will discipline or ignore their daughters' moodiness while they themselves, when faced with similar situations that cause THEM stress, will call a friend, or go shopping or take a bubble bath or go read a book or, yes...eat chocolate. Sorry you couldn't see past the chocolate.

0 19

I actually liked and agreed with what you "Lorinda" had to say. Children do need to talk more these days and they also need de-stressers like grown ups, after all our society has jumped so very far ahead that our poor children don't really get a childhood to enjoy as much as we "the parents" would like. So much pressure and distraught in their lives and at such young ages. I have twin girls that are 5 now and one of the excercises we are working on with them is at the dinner table every night we ask them "High/Low" - Basically, out of today what was your fav part and what was your least fav part. Then we sit there and discuss options to help "better" our days to come, it puts a very positive out-look on things and really gets them thinking.and participating in real life. So in other words: I myself and my husband are one of the few adults these days that are not raising our three children in an eco-friendly "anti-social" bubble so that by the time they break away from home, they are more delicate and fragile about being in the so called "Real World", that they can't even board a subway train without having an overstimulating anxiety attack. - So, Yes, I believe talking to your kids and talking out "moods" with your kids or giving them a chance to "de-stress" helps them and you as parents.

1 1

I have 4 Daughters my self and a nice that I raised. Girls get moody no doubt about it. I know that I even get that way and sometimes I do not relize I am. But you have the communication in your family. We all get moody for several and for differant reasons. What my make one daughter moody may not to another. We all have different ways to "cool off" In my home when one of is "moody" the others have the right and duty to say respectfully that you are being moody is there something I can do to help? That gives that girl.. my self included the "sign" to step back and think about what they have been doing or saying , apologize ask for some one to talk to or explain why they are being moody and try harder to control their behaivor. They all know that I will not tolorate being disrespectful or tantrams. They all also know that even mom has those bad days and that we just need to learn to reconize it, control it and be respectful of those around us. I agree that sometime you have to tech and give your children a chance to "de-stress" ... we all need that "venting time" to feel better every now and again. a suggestion would be to say ..I am sorry I am moody or upset but I need a few minutes to "vent" let that person " let it out" with out the fear of reprocussions and you may be surprised how much better everyone will feel....once you teach your daughters that its ok to have bad, or moody days, and its ok to need to " let it out" Just that there is a right way and a wrong way . As for chocolate.. belive it or not sometimes that does help... expecially around that time of the month.

0 12

sorry no chocolate for my kiddos. Maybe as a teen once in awhile, but candy is strict limits at my house. And definitely would be used as a way to get what they want. If they figured out telling me they were stressed and needed chocolate, I'd have bigger problems then the drama.

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Sarai, I am sorry that you got hung up on the "chocolate" issue. That was a light-hearted response. There is much more to the response than just "chocolate". I think it's important to realize that our daughters are "women in training" and that they deal with many of the same moods and emotions that WE do. It's hard to remember that sometimes. But if we step back and see that they, like US often need space or quiet or a convo and coffee with a friend or a shopping trip or a candle-lit bubble bath or (yes, again)...chocolate...then it helps us and them to deal with the drama. It opens up communication. It's not solely about giving them chocolate and that would fix it...that just teaches a person to eat to cover whatever pain they're in. It's learning to help our daughters identify why they might be cranky or moody and helping them to learn how best to cope with it. Read the response of Kim Roysdon...her's is right above yours. She probably phrases it better than I do. Again...I'm sorry that you were distracted by the chocolate comment and were unable to see to the heart of my response. It was only an attempt at humor before getting to the heart of the issue.

1 0

I love your response. I have a 5yo who isn't really emotionally balanced like her younger sister. She's often wonderful or horrible. She was really having a rough time, we were discipline, talking to her, calming her down, asking her about feelings, cuddling...nothing was working. I grabbed a bag of chocolate from the fridge and she is all better and being sweet and good again! So, I googled chocolate, daughters, mood and found your response. It was a good solution for her this time. She's very slim, so I'm not worried about emotional eating, in fact, some snacking would be good for her. She's not a good eater.

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0 5

Children, esp adolscences, have mood swings, this is nothing that has not been occuring for ages. Temperamental and Moody.... those are part of the game of raising children whether girls or boys. Children come under a lot of stress from peers, family, media, ect. Finding out what is bothering your daughter is the first step, if she doesn't know then what will help her cope. Becoming upset or angry with her will only put her on the defensive and serve no one. Keep a calm tone of voice,this is what usually quieted my daughter down but if I became upset or raised my voice so did she.

(mother of one daughter, grandmother of one granddaughter and mother of one son.... but, as a professional, have worked with children through later adult life for many years)

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LOVE your approach. Of course, I would… because it has always worked for me as well. I have a 15 year old daughter and 2 stepdaughters (19 and 24) who have been with me for many years. I believe TALKING first always works best. I agree that they are under a lot more stress than we were. I had my daughter late in life so things have changed a lot since I was her age. I have found that when I am stressed and she is in a bad mood or upset about something… it doesn't go anywhere near as well as when I am calm. THANKS FOR YOUR POST!!!!!!!

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Cindy, thank you for understanding and knowing about children... Thanks, Dean

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0 13

I try to give my daughter some quiet time. When she is in a good mood- we discuss ways to relieve stress.

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I have a 12 yr old and this is the approach I have used and it works!

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Ya I give my 4 year old some quite time and it works really well just let her go to her room or my room and play with her barbies or puzzle alone and she loves it.

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Always ask what's going on. If they are not ready to respond give them time. I find that the times my daughter is moody are one of two reasons, PMS or she needs some special attention. During PMS, we both have agreed to be aware and that it will subside and not to take things personally - sometimes we laugh about it when she cries for silly things.

When she is feeling insecure and need special attention, I encourage her dad to spend one on one time with her and I do the same as well. I've learned from my own lacking of not having a father when I was growing up and from my daughter when her dad has to work crazy hours - that there is a definite need for daughters to spend good quality time with dad. The moodiness can drive me crazy, but we've waded through and have figured out what works for us to help her through it. I don't dare tell her "I know you're insecure and need some attention". No, I just plan something fun with her or her dad will do something with her. Hope this helps.

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I'm a big fan of Love and Logic and I'm also reading a book called: Parent Talk, Words that empower, Words that wound by Chick Moorman. The primary description for the book is: "How to talk to your children in language that builds self esteem and encourages responsibility". The first section of the book is about choices and how many children do not realize that they choose their attitudes and behaviors (quoting the book here for the most part).

My Daughter is a moody one and I have to use what I'm learning with both of these resources to not over react and to help her take ownership of her behavior. It works 85% of the time =) Sometimes it's just plain out exhausting.

Also, another thing to keep in mind as the parent is the acronym HALT: hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?. It's hard being the one who has to be aware constantly of the barrage of things going on with a child at a given moment but it's they're worth it =)

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This is kind of funny to direct this to only a daughter especially if you have both a daughter and son. It is so hard to decide which approach will work depending on the child. With my children they always wanted to shut you out of their lives and make their own decisions and expect you to be the one to throw out the life saver when they needed it. If you tried to help before they wanted it they would close themselves off more. So I guess it was space for me even though there were issues that knocked me for a loop. But know that they are grown and I have grandchildren and soon to be great grandmother I have exceptional children and grandchildren. I have one grandchild living with me that I think I will have to turn to and intervention. I just hope that a lot of people go back to the old ways of my parents and go to church and teach common sense to their child and help them away from peer pressure. We also need to stand up and make a change in some of the laws that have become lacking.

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I agree with all three answers here, I also am a grandmother of 2 granddaughters, soon to be 3 granddaughters, along with the fact, that I am also a mother to one daughter, and dil; along with a neice. I was raised in a home with a sister and a mother; Our daughter who has 2 daughters, are all three moody, and testy. Our daughter and I would have our best conversations while doing dishes after dinner. Then we'd make plans for a Saturday, and I would get their father, to pre-occupy our son that same day; while I'd take her and disappear for the day; we'd go do lunch, and go shopping, not necessarily buying anything, but would most of the time, browse. We didn't get to do it alot, as she played soccer, which occupied most Saturdays. But when we could get a free Saturday, that's when we'd go. But then on other Saturdays, I'd do the same with our son. We'd have some wonderful, one on one time. It's a good way, to learn what is going on in their heads, get to know them as individuals, and maybe let them vent, if needed. Usually at the end of the day, they were all calmed down, and ready to face the world again, on Monday to go back to school. In the summer, it was different exchange of time, they were free'er, and we'd take a Saturday trip, just the 3 of us, and go to the city, and enjoy our time together. Most times dad had to work, so when he'd get a Saturday or Sunday off, then we'd spend the time together, as a family. I do remember a family food fight, that we really enjoyed. Not out of anger, just for fun! Then when we quit, we all helped clean the messes on the walls, ceiling, and appliances. Those were fun times. I even remember a food fight for a birthday party. It was fun!

0 0

Girls are without a doubt hormonal and emotional so much more than boys. I have two boys and one girl. My daughter makes me sure I could raise a football field full of boys compared to one girl. My daughter has been involved with people that she absorbed their manners, characteristics, temperament. Now that she is nearing 20 and out of the house, when she flys off with her hostile, insulting, name calling and out of control yelling behavior, I immediately let her know (without yelling back) that her behavior is NOT allowed with me and that it is offensive and disrespectful and I do not accept it. I have stopped our outings to take her back to her place when she rants at me and have told her I will not remain in her presence when she behaves this way. I put distance between she and I and let her know why. I will always love her but will not allow her to treat me with such horrid disrespect and hostility. I truly believe it is because she is unhappy in her own life and lives with a guy who himself has a 10+ raging temper. She must feel she has to compete with him when she is in his company and therefore it carries over to me. I AM THE MOTHER I will tell her and you do not speak to me in that manner. Mothers you have to set your boundaries and the sooner the better!!! Even at 2 years old. They may be soooo cute and you adore them so much, but you are their boss and they must learn they must respect and fear that so they don't carry on with temper tantrums when they are adults. Do NOT allow them to cross your line which you will establish. You don't have to beat them or yell. In a calm moment, you tell them what the rule is and you don't have to tell them the consequence because when they get older and more manipulative they will learn how far to push the rules and will even suffer your predetermined consequence to get what they want. Just establish the rule and follow through with a discipline item when it is broken, every single time. Be consistent. If they need quiet time, give it. If they know you won't stand for it, they will not try. You can talk together when moments are calm, but never try to get them to talk about their anger while they are angry. Girls are going to be full of emotional moments during their teen years because of how they feel about their beauty, body, boys, other girls, and during their menstrual cycles. Make a calendar when they get that and just be aware of mood changes. You were once her closest confidant but now her friends may become that. They may cut you out of the loop because they are doing wrong and would be punished by you. You are NOT their friend but their mom so be careful not to try to be their buddy. Be friendly but don't mistake them to be their friend. But moms, do not settle and be hurt by your child. If you allow them to hurt you by slamming you with words or actions, it will only get worse. Look to who they associate with always for a possible culprit. Remember--- a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life. Hang in there moms and stand your ground! YOU are the adult and the boss.

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It is so hard to handle. Hard to ignore...but sometimes I am just too tired to deal with it. My 16 year old treats me the worst but loves me and we are so very close. I know she is unhappy in her own life....things not going as planned but it is still hard to take the verbal abuse and sometimes i give it back which doesnt help but It just happens! The old saying she can go from 0 to bitch in a minute is veery true.!! lol.

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How do you tell if your 16 year old daughter is just going through the chaos of teenagehood or if there is some mental health problem which needs to be addressed?

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Personally, Elise, I think medications are thrown out there way too much I have followed parenting tasks first such as establishing rules, effectively following through with those rules and being consistent with them. These teens are trying to establish themselves with strong approvals as independent thinkers and doers with their peers first and foremost and we as parents are coming in a dead last to please on their list. (not all kids). Before running out to the mental health fields, try to be firm as the authority figure in your home and try these rule techniques first. It is quite normal for daughters to experience big changes due to their monthly hormone changes, keep it on a calendar when she is on her monthly and watch for changes to occur. Try to use normal methods before medications, those can sometimes run havoc and be over prescribed (Primose helps with cramps but if you daughter is on birth control pills meds or herbals can affect their efficacy). Don't forget to drug test if you suspect drugs and feel it is necessary. That issue as well as normal changes are a factor. You can buy kits inexpensively in CVS and Walgreens. Then you have to get the child to give you the sample. Don't give in to their shock about it. Tell the child "this is what you will do because you give me reason to believe it is necessary" if it is. They can add water to their sample which skews it so, go into the bathroom with the child (you can turn your back when they complain, but make sure they either step behind a shower curtain in the tub or drain the toilet bowl of water). Above all, do not accept disrespect from this child. I have learned it didn't pay off for me to cry in front of my daughter from her hostility or disrespect but to stand my ground that I am the parent and authority figure and her disrespect is NOT allowed. In calmer moments, I lead into communication about her feelings but generally great disrespect from her was most often due to her guilt feelings because her life is a mess by her choices. I learned to stop prying and just said when and if you are ready to talk, let me know. I didn't practice tough love all the way because this would throw her over the edge but I did demand nothing less than respect from her and didn't cave on that. The biggest thing for young girls was not to let them become involve romantically at a very young age. Keep them busy with sports or dancing or activities that enhance their own self esteem because romance throws a big BIG wrench in the whole teenage process. Save that for when they can mentally and emotionally process those activities better. Later on after 16 at least.

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Cindy, Your comments were so, so helpful. I would never think of medicating a teenager but I was thinking more of a mental health professional who is not me. When I was a kid, there was always an adult to talk to whether it was a friend, my aunt, someone other than my mother. We live in an apt complex far away from my sister and mother. There are no other adult women to talk with and to confide in. Thank goodness she has her skating coach who gives her the boost in self esteem she needs. I will take you advice and not cry in front of her. It's so hard no to - her words are so hurtful, but I will do the best I can. I'm not an authoritarian and it has always been hard to set rules, keep them and think of relevant consequences when they are broken. But I will keep your words in my mind's eye and work on standing my ground. Wish we had time to share over a cup of coffee. Thanks for your caring

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Elise, I know exactly exactly what you are going through. My daughter would scream at me and call me vile, horrible names, the worst kind and one time chose to physically body bump me to move me out of her way. This was power she felt because I had broken down and cried in front of her days prior. She mocked me when I did, wah, wah, wah. I wanted to slap her. When she crossed the line with insults and name calling and physical I gave her one warning in a totally calm voice, firm and without fear. "You touch me with even one finger, I will call the police and you will not go to juvenile detention, you will go to adult jail and you will have a domestic violence record that will follow you all your life and prevent you from jobs, your choice." Following this command, she continued to scream at me. In return, since she was now 18, I told her I would not live this way and she had to leave. She could not believe the strength I was showing, no more tears. She did leave and it took a very very long time for her to get out of her anger mode. It is still not 100% but if she starts with her disrespect and mouth , I reiterate that I will not accept and tolerate it and if I have her in my car, I will take her home and tell her that she is not allowed at any age to talk to me is such a horrid manner. I stood up for myself, and always will and no more expressing how hurt I was. I told her what it did to me but did not cry anymore in front of her and commanded and demanded respect. That's what is necessary. Do NOT take it from your daughter. The hardest thing to do as a parent is to place the rules and follow through all the time and then to allow them to fail. That is the only way they will get it is to suffer the result of their choice. It is the same thing in the adult world. We break laws, we pay the price. We don't always know to what extent we will be punished either so I have learned not to tell her "if" you do this or that, I will punish you with " such and such". You don't do that, because as they get older they will weigh out if they are willing to suffer the consequences to break your rules and typically they will do that. So you just establish the rule, be consistent, and as the rule is broken, decide ahead of time how you want to discipline but do not share it. Just dole out the disciplilne when it is broken and make sure you DO NOT cave in. There is to be NO arguing with the child when they do not like what their choice has resulted in. NEVER argue with a child. You are the authority figure and you made the rule. When the child argues and says you are not fair, immediately get back to your rule and tell her, "regardless if I am not fair, this is what is the result of your breaking my rule." Your magic word in all circumstances to stop a child from getting off the subject is "regardless". IT does work. I used to teach parenting for our juvenile courts here and that one word is magic. Good luck. IF you need any help, I don't know if it is ok or not but my email address is ckpeece@msn.com.

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My son is 5 years old. 70% of his time he is mourning, complainig, blaming others and moody. I have a 3yrs old son and he is totally different. Always in a good mood. Though sometimes he tries to copy his brother behavior, but in general he is ahappy person. It is difficult for us to make sense of his behaviour. He had severe fetal distress during labour and we suspect that is a major contributing factor to his character. We bought him a puppy recently and it has changed his character for the better. It keeps him busy and preoccupied. Otherwise we considering taking him for psychological assesement to exclude mood disorders, because at times it gets too much. We always try not to match his mood, and not dwell a lot on his behaviour. We remain supportive at all times.

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Kids that are moody at the age younger than say ten or eleven are for different reasons than children that my kids age at now, 13, 15, 17. The only time my kids were moody before that age especially some people are speaking of ages 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.. is either not getting their own way, extremely overtired, not eating or drinking properly, not being disciplined correctly and last not being respected as a child (but wont expand on that). Children at all ages need and want boundaries whether they realise it or not. Teenagers are hard work with raging hormones and new ideas, peer pressure, pressures of school and life in general. If you take your time when they growing before this stage to make them the best person you can. Their teenage years are still full on but will be far easier and when it all snaps a falls into place for them and the day that they turn to you and say wow mum/dad I'm sorry I was such hardwork and I know understand where you were coming from and appreciate all that you have done even though didn't really get it at the Time, I do now My partner's 21 year old son at the time went to his father with these words. I personally believe. Sometimes they learn to swim best if they are just left to it once they know the theory.. Anyway all is connected.

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she gets diciplined and i treat her like a 3 yr old and not any older or younger, don't get me wrong she isn't moody all day and night and most of her tantrums is when she doen't get her own way and there are times she stops and then times where she keeps going on to the point wherei lose my patience at at the moment i am expecting my second child so i try to stay calm and wait until she finishes and then she will listen to me. let's hope she grow out of it. soon

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I don't know, all children are different and everybody will have a bad day, nothing will ever change that it's called being human. To me a temper tantrum is brought on only really through total frustration of not getting your own way and telling you that this is how I will perform until I do get it.. You as a parent need to be strong and not back down even if you have thought about it and thought maybe it would have been alright.. What I am trying to say is once you have made a decision and given your child the answer, stick to it no matter what.. Always speak to them after the storm is over and everyone is calm and sorry to tell her how her behaviour makes you feel ask her to think where her actions got her and why did this happen and how does she feel inside when this happens.. Definitely remove a privilege of her's until she can prove to you that she will stop and think before carrying on this way. Speaking once all is calm makes the world of difference it makes a closer bond between the two of you.. If other family members are a factor get them involved also. When a child is in hysterics and have totally lost control, be calm as possible.. Tell them in a firm tone to take a few deep breaths.. Distract them from situation by telling them to come and wash their face and blow their nose which they most likely will need to do so anyway. With out being too Molly coddling rub their back in a way that you are still disappointed in their behaviour but that you do need them to calm down. Do not over do the attention. Once they are calm and listening step back a little more perhaps give them a brief hug but tell them they need to go lie down in their room for a while and you will talk about this later once they have done this and you have decided they can come out. They will most likely need a glass of water in there but will probably sleep.. If starts up again leave her for a bit until she calms again and try again.. Just some of my ideas hope some may help x

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My daughter was tough from the start. She cried from day one. She was a very early talker and I think that is what contributed to her early temper tantrums. She is 4 1/2 now and its much better but it was a very long process..What worked for me is letting her have her tantrum with no intervention. I used to ignore it. I felt like I was being cold heart but I had to do something about her tantrums cause it wasn't healthy for her or for me. When she had finally calmed down that is when I would talk to her. It worked. Now we are working on the whining. She has alittle brother that is 2 1/2 years younger. I think she is doing it for attention cause she knows its annoying... I've been making her sit in her bedroom when she does it. She has grown into a very loving and cuddly kid despite all the hardness. She says sorry and gives hugs when she knows she is wrong.

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You just show them that it's okay to have emotions but they should still be considerate towards you and others in the family. If kids, no matter if boy or girl, learn that the world revolves around them, they will grow up to be self absorbed and always carry an attitude of entitlement like they should get preferential treatment. You as a parent must maintain their respect in you, if you allow them to get away with too many things that are not right, they will not respect you and you won't have a fulfilling healthy relationship if you fear losing their friendship or allegiance. As a parent, you will always have to love your child more than he/she loves you and allow them to distance themselves from you at some point but if they respect you, they will always come back to you for parental love. That's why parenthood is not for the faint of heart and why not every fertile person is meant to be a parent

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I liked Theresa's post. They shut you out... and I don't mind throwing in the life saver when they need it, but i wish there was a way for me to get her not to shut me out in the first place. Could perhaps avoid the life saver issue later.

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My 4 year old and I have been down this road. She has a disorder called sensory integration disorder. Some of her moodiness is because I couldn't understand what she was needing to calm her down. Now we have a every 2 hour routine of jumping of a trampoline, spinning in circles, and dancing. In between we do a lot of coloring. It is her way of relaxing doing art. She has a lot of other neurological problems but this is the worst. We have also cut out red dyes from her diet and found that she has allergies to egg protein and milk protein. Her moodiness has calmed down a lot since we have figured out the cause of the problem.

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I would like to know what signs told you that her "moodiness" was the sensory integration disorder, would like to ask my daughter pediatrician about this.

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I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT THIS ALSO CONCERNING MY 4 1/2 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER.

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It started when she was born. She would only sleep in a swing and as she gets older she doesn't sleep' When we go to the store she has her melt downs. They seem like a kid with ADHD. She will be happy one minute and out of the blue they have a melt down over nothing. There is a test online. We found out through a psyciatrist that does behavior modification and she was doing occupational therapy whom are the only 2 that can diagnose it until 2013. Do a lot of research and it will help. I try to speak out about it because it is such a missed diagnosed neurological disorder.

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they also do not adapt to changes in routine like autistic kids. Some autistic children have this but my daughter is not autistic. We think it is due to her under developed brain.

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If you have more questions email me at harlleemomma@yahoo.com. It is so hard to explain.

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If your daughter is moody or temperamental I think you should sit down with her and discuss what the problem is Give a big comforting hug and pray with her, God has all the answers. God Bless all
Shirley Ellis

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I can't believe the answer suggesting chocolate has the highest votes? Seriously? The lesson learned then by kids is, having a tough day, eat a candy bar? Candy is the solution? Really? Next Generation of emotional eaters borne from this blog? I'm stunned.

I truly love the answer by the mom with the four daughters, Sarah Simms. A bad mood usually is a decision. You decide how you want to feel essentially. Now kids, they need a break on this and they need to be treated gently, but also you need to tell them the best way to handle themselves. Kids use their parents as a mirror. I am going to act this way, suss out how the parental units respond, and then either incorporate or discard the behavior based off the parents reaction. We forget how little they know, or how much we have learned about societal norms and values from our parents. I do totally of course believe their hormones drive them over the edge, their little bodies are changing and growing, they have these explosions of emotions that they can not articulate. I mean sometimes I am in a bad mood and I just cant figure out why and it looms over me, and sometimes the answer is just something small and insignificant, but it builds up inside of you. So the general thing I believe is long term bad moods are not tolerated at home. They are not to be encouraged. When you notice your daughter (or son) in a bad mood you ask them if they're upset, ill, hungry, tired, etc... if you can do anything to help them. A hug always helps. Lots of empathy helps. And then my favourite thing I do for my own general grumpiness or moodiness is putting things in perspective. You literally have to force yourself to practice gratitude for what you DO have going for you in your life. I mean looking at others, thinking how you could help them automatically makes you feel better about your situation. I mean when my 6 year old says she got picked on at school by a bigger kid, we turn it into an empowering situation, where I ask her how she handled herself, did she make the right decisions, and then the tables are turned, she instead can have empathy for her aggressor, and learn she has worth, and the bad moods diminish. I honestly feel like bad moods come from poor communication and feeling isolated. Then there are other factors too, like wanting things you cant have (like a $40 toy randomly in June), not owning up to lies (even when you have been caught out and feeling bashful and ashamed and turning it into moodiness), and general sulkiness. All times when dear daughters are sent to their rooms to give them some space so they can generate their own perspective and their own views. Generally within 15 minutes of silence (or crying) in their rooms I have little wet eyed daughters coming to find me to say they feel better and that they love me. The storm clouds dissipate and Sulky Susan leaves the house for the day.

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Chocolate was NOT the only answer given in the first answer. Note that it was followed by a "but seriously...". I'm thinking that maybe you didn't read the whole thing? Or were so hung up on the "chocolate" that you couldn't see the forest for the trees? The rest of the answer had to do with listening to the child, understanding that they have stress as well and teaching them coping mechanisms. LISTENING to your daughter was the main thing pointed out. And understanding that they have pressures as well.

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Your Answer was good Lorinda and i did notice that some people were not reading it correctly.....it was quite obvious to me that you were kidding about the chocolate. Gee people she got the most votes because those people read her whole comment. And just to add to this question....I find my toddler daughter gets moody when she hasnt done a poo the day before. I have her on actilax due to her constipation problem. She is a very happy little girl when she is pooing everyday..... just thought I should add

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I have a 15yr old step-daughter who has no respect for anyone except herself and even then its minimal. She is an angry child who is extremely jeolous of her father spending anytime with me or my daughter who is 12yrs old. Life can become so unbearable when she is around, we call it the 'black cloud' syndrome. The air is thick and full of tension for no reason. Even on a good day there is this underlying tension. Pouts, folded arms, black looks, uncooperative behaviour, not talking or if she does swearing. This behaviour is wearing thin and my bubble is about to burst - when she says "I hate your fucking guts I wish you were dead" I feel like giving up her. I know this is not the answer but wow its hard work.

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Adele, I'm with you. I don't remember if I was this way, but if i was, I don't know how my mother did it. You know, I think I'll ask her. Hang in there. We should all keep on talking until we're out of the forest in a few years. This is incredibly helpful.

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Give the space they need, usually my teen needs to chat with friends and later she will share with me but they usually need time to themselves and don't push the issue because it will push them away.

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I was the moody daughter - and I am thankful that I had parents who were parents, who were consistent and fair and who listened to me. I knew they always loved me. I know because my mum would always tell me - I don't like you right now, but no matter what happens, what you do or say, I will always love you.
I now have my own daughter and whilst she is very young, she has her fair share of mood swings. I hope that she will always feel loved the way that I did.

As the moody daughter my advice is give some space, be consistent if you say no stick to it, and know that your kid is most likely miserable just because they are. And knowing that they can rely on you to be there is the most important thing them, even when they are telling you they hate you.

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Mine will be 13 in March. Try and keep calm, ask her what's going on, what's wrong. If she says nothing but is still moody I let it go for a bit. When she gets snotty or any kind of disrespectful, I hault it. Sometimes that's when she breaks down and talks. Sometimes she needs to go in her own room and chill out. It depends on what has happened, what's on her schedule, and where she's at in her monthly cycle. Since she started that I can almost bank on those wonderful 7-10 days of mood swings. She is a good kid and can be very sweet and considerate. Just have to keep plugging away and remain their parent vs. their friend.

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Sometimes their moodiness has a lot to do with a self-esteem issue and on other occasions it just might be horomonal. Whichever or whatever, it is our job...as parents to skillfully dig until we find the answers we need to help them more smoothly navigate through their moodiness. I have an 11 year old granddaughter who is moodie 85% of the time. Often it's because she can't have her way. We do not indulge her bad behavior...nor do we condone it. There are just some behaviors that should not be tolerated or they will become ingrained negative behaviors that work against them as they journey through life. Administering an Xtra dose of TLC will help them to feel special and loved as they work through their growing pains. Lots of "SISTAH POWER" Love, Deborah

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Love, love cures everything, if you decide for a cutting comunication response, you will never know the real problem is.

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Having a teenage grandaughter living w/me I am dealing with female moodiness which is entirely different from my 3 sons male moodiness. I tell her she has a right to feel anyway she wants, but she does not have the right to subject the rest of us to her attitude! Sometimes I ignore her and when she is ready to discuss her reasons she will come to me. Sometimes I show extra kindness by not feeding it with an attitude of my own.

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Not saying I'm very good at this all the time, but "a soft answer turns away wrath". I try to stay calm and speak calmly when the girls get moody and loud. I do try to ask what's going on, but also step in and put the brakes on when one is continually picking at and yelling at the other. Giving the girls alone time helps too. And time alone with mom is often one of the best medicines. We've talked about how it feels to seem to be mad over nothing. Talking it out is really good.

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Threaten her. lol. I take away her cell phone, the only thing that seems to matter to her. She turned 16 a couple of months ago, I am refusing to get her drivers license until she matures and changes her attitude!!! It sucks. But she is my life and I love her so very much. She was such a sweet little girl.

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Diet is so important for children with sensitivities like those mentioned here. NO food dies, and consider other food allergies. Essential oils are a useful tool, as well as, encouraging her to understand her own emotions. We love a blend called Peace and Calming from Young Living. Encourage her to understand when she is starting to "lose it." What does that feel like? Encourage her to identify this before it gets out of control. And reduce your schedule, if you can. Too much stimulation and being busy can be triggers. My 10 year has been this way all her life. We are finally finding solutions that do not cause everyone to be frustrated or upset.

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I have an 8 year old daughter and at times it really feels like she is the ruler of the house. If she is having a bad day....the rest of us know it because she is a ticking time bomb. I have tried EVERYTHING to try and redirect her emotions. I have tried talking to her....no success. I have tried punishments (time out, grounding, taking things away, etc) and that only adds fuel to the fire. It's almost like she's bipolar sometimes. I have taken her to several specialty clinics and NONE of them can find anything "wrong" with her. She is "all over the map" with disorders. There is no way you can convince me that an 8 year old has 30+ different disorders. So they don't even know where to start checking what might be "wrong" and I don't know where to start with helping her cope with whatever is going on. Everyone (school, grandparents, etc) give into her when she is throwing a fit. She has learned that if she throws a fit long enough she will get what she wants...except with me. Only thing that I have found that works is let her throw a tantrum. Send her to her room and let her "scream it out". Eventually she comes and apologizes for being a "jerk". We talk about it and discuss WHY she was throwing a fit. I tell her that freaking out and screaming will not get her what she wants. Things are getting a little better. This has been a 4 year process :/ She doesn't throw fits nearly as often. I am not sure if it's because of our "talking it out" after her blow ups or if she is just growing out of it a little. As a single mom it gets draining. Honestly dreading waking her up fearing that she's going to wake up in a bad mood and I have to send her to school. I am truly hoping she is just growing out of it and realizing (because I have put my foot down with those that surround her and were giving her what she wanted) that you get better results when you "talk" rather than "freak out". It is definitely stressful and an emotional roller coaster dealing with a child that you want to help and there are soooooo many possibilities that are causing/adding fuel to her moods.

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The specialty clinic I actually too her too specialized in working with Autistic children and they told me "no". I am trying to remain optimistic, but it's hard when nobody seems to want to listen to you. Like many have said here I KNOW HER BEST! I know something is going on. Not sure if "wrong" is the correct term because Autism isn't "wrong" it just makes her "different". I have fought since the day I had her with the "outside world". I was a young mom and for some reason (I feel and many others I am sure have experienced this) I feel like I have been singled out and attacked. Treated like I am an idiot and if I am not demanding and down right hateful.....nothing gets accomplished. I have researched and researched and researched some more. The honest answer is she fits into SOOOOOOO many categories I am overwhelmed with WHERE to start. Autism, ADD/ADHD and OCD are the main ones I THINK she possess the majority of symptoms for. Her attention span is next to non existent. She wants to do/learn on her own accord and not when she is "supposed to". She does well learning one-on-one. I am convinced she is an audio-visual learner which is difficult in public school system because they mainly teach by audio and kinsetics (spelling?). She is a very bright girl, but struggles with grasping things quickly. She can learn things, but cannot keep up with "average" learners. Her and I cannot do homework at home because she simply will not do it. She is a master manipulator and because I know her best.....I won't allow her to say "I don't know how". She has wrote the numbers 20-25 before with me at home and when she got to 26 she "didn't know how to make the '2' ". At school they can't really do much. I just take her homework and say "ok" then you are done. She knows that I know what she is capable of and I hold her accountable. I don't care if she's mad at me, I just desperately want to find a "solution" if there is one. The real world isn't going to tolerate her behavior and as a mother I fear my child is only beginning her struggle and I don't know what to do!

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Your daughter sounds exactly like my five year old daughter. EXACTLY! She is so smart and her doctor has told me there is nothing wrong with her, but there are things I just can't put my finger on that aren't "right" with her. She didn't potty train until she was about to start school. She had extreme "stranger" phobia when she was little, including with members of my family and friends that she wasn't in contact with very often. I think she shows some signs of autism but my doctor has told me that she isn't autistic. We have problems with homework also. She will read a word perfectly, then 20 seconds later will tell me she doesn't know what it is. She will write a perfect row of numbers, except for two or three in the middle will be backwards. I don't know what to do with her either. She gets away with everything with my parents, which doesn't help. When they are around, she won't mind my husband or I at all. She cries and screams when she doesn't get her way, but when I send her to her room and let her calm down, she will usually do what I want. My husband has no luck dealing with her at all, but he has more of a temper than I do and can't stay as calm with her so they end up yelling at each other which just makes the situation worse. I'm at my wit's end. Don't really have any suggestions for you, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. I'm in the exact same boat with you. If you need to talk, send me an e-mail at myfacebookemail23@yahoo.com.

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My daughter would have WILD mood swings that left me reeling. At the time I had just finished having food allergy testing completed on me, and began to suspect she had some of the same allergies. Some foods make me irritable the moment they hit my tummy. I began the process of elimination of the same (and other) foods with her... and it has made a night and day difference! Just a thought. Keep on Keepin on! Your hard work and consistancy will pay off! xxoo

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oh my gosh you guys.... I have the same child and now she's 10 almost 11!! Nothing "wrong" with her but stuff I can't put my finger on. I call it manipulation also. That whole doing something several times and then all the sudden not know how... yup. Homework struggles and pissing matches. I hate waking her up, it's a fight from the get go. Brushing teeth and what she is allowed to wear to school are some big everydays that are just this year getting a little better. She is finally showering without too big a fight... Hang in there you guys... some kids are meant to rule the world when they are older. We don't get them and they make for harder kids, but they'll be wonderful adults one day. :) I had her in counseling and they said she needed some anger management. Did that for a while and she loved it, then she started coming home and asking "am I done yet, I don't really want to go there anymore". I'm not pursuing any tests or diagnosis for her... no special classes or help in school. She'll get what she gets grade wise and when she's good and ready she'll work hard for what she wants. Oh, she is also a room wrecker when I send her in there to calm down - writes on walls, peels paint, carves on furniture, tears things apart (like the lining of a lamp), just about anything...for that we just stopped fixing or replacing things. It's slowing down so I'm hopeful!

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I've had issues with my daughter as well. I knew since she was in Kindergarten I believe that something was up with her. I had questioned whether she was Autistic or had OCD, etc (so I was all over the map as well, she had symptoms of many different disorders, well most of them have many similarities). Finally it took me going to my family doctor and telling him I think there is something wrong with her and I was scared that she would hurt someone. My doctor reffered her to a Psychiatrist, she was later diagnosed with ADHD (apparently it represents itself in girls different then boys). She's been on meds and has been doing a lot better socially and behaviourly, she's also doing a lot better in school.

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I am that parent that is open to "ideas" but just because you have Dr. in front of your name or have a little more schooling than I do doesn't mean I am going to just take your word on it. In some ways my daughter "comes by it honestly", but she is an extremist. I have asked anyone that labels her "ADD, ADHD, etc" to pinpoint things MY DAUGHTER SPECIFICALLY does that leads them to believe she is actually suffering from a disorder other than "just like my mom with grandparents revenge" tacked on LOL. I am an intelligent person I UNDERSTAND the textbook definitions of these disorders. However, if you are wanting me to medicate my young child you are going to give me hardcore proof she actually HAS what you say she does. I am not fighting against your diagnosis. I just want actual examples YOU have witnessed. I think a lot of it is she's lazy she doesn't WANT to do many things, but when you watch your child freak out within 30 seconds of asking her to do something it's heartbreaking. It's heart wrenching to visibly watch your child go from "normal" to "psycho" out of pure frustration. My worries is there is seriously something going on and not treating it (whether that be through medicine...cringe; tougher consequences, etc). I want medicine to be an absolute last resort and a "only because it might HELP her" choice. Most children just need their parents to be "taught" how to deal with them. She isn't a typical child, for whatever reason or another. I just don't feel the answer is medication. ADD and ADHD are 2 of the most over diagnosed/over medicated disorders and I do NOT want my child to be part of that statistic. I want to learn how to deal with it as her parent and I am at a loss as for what else to do. I have discovered what NOT to do when handling her tantrums. 1) Don't get angry, just walk away and let her have her fit 2) Don't act as if her tantrum upsets me 3) Give a punishment and stick to it...yes she's going to freak out more but learns more in the long run to act "right" to accomplish things she wants. 4) Don't be too hard on myself/blame myself and think I am a terrible parent. She is entitled to "bad days" and sometimes children are angry...let her be angry and after fit is done try talking to her (this isn't overly productive but it allows her and I do end on "good terms". 5) Always love on her after she's done acting ugly. Tell her that it hurts MY feelings when she acts crazy and explain the ways to act nicer and TALK about what she wants instead of screaming/throwing a tantrum. In the end....some kids ARE more difficult than others BUT trying to bridge the gap and know she is leading a happy life is more important for the "long run" than dealing with the emotional roller coaster it puts me in. My worries are that she won't be able to cut it in the "real world" when she gets older. I know I'm not alone, but I feel like I am FAILING her....Like I mentioned before I hope she is "growing out of it" but it's such a risk and leaves me torn on a daily basis of what to do next and how to handle it...

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We adopted our daughter at age 8. She had been in foster care 6 years and 6 moa in a behavior hospital before we got her. Boy could she throw some tantrums. For her first Christmas with us we purchased a video camera. It was sitting on the coffee table one night when a tantrum started. I picked up the camera and started filming which made her madder. Then when a new tantrum started I would say we need to watch that video and she would stop. Soon the fits ceased. She is bi polar and with medication is a good mom,wife and daughter.

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Wow Kimberly do we have the same parents and child? My daughter has just turned 4 years old and is the same exact way. She cries and whines for everything and when she does not get her way she screams. She does not really listen to me or her father and I am trying to work with her on this. Her father does not have the patience for her and get very upset with her and tells me it’s because I do not discipline her. Which is not the case, just because I do not choose to spank her all the time does not mean I do not discipline her. I can say that she is getting a little better but we still have a long way to go. Good luck to you!

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email me at harlleemomma@yahoo.com and I can give you some of the stuff I have gone through with my daughter. She has what is called sensory integration disorder. What you 2 are saying is exactly what I have been dealing with since the day she was born.

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Robyn, I don't know if you have been doing this or not but start keeping a log (as best you can) of your daughters behaviors. When the tantrums occur, how long they last, triggers etc. This will help you see if there are any patterns in her behavior. This can also be used as tangible evidence as to what you are experiencing with your daughter when you speak to her pediatrician or therapist. Pediatrician's are reluctant to give referrals for any type of psychological testing but as your child's advocate, if you believe that there is something wrong then you must demand psychological testing. If nothing else this will help "rule out" any disorders and since she seems to fit into several different categories this will narrow things down for you. The really unfortunate part, like you seem to have already experienced, because your daughter is so young you are going to get a different diagnosis from each specialist you speak with. There is a tendency by mental health professionals to "over pathologize behaviors" which you don't want because then that leads to labels that will stay with your daughter throughout her life. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and work with children and parents going through the same problems that you are describing. I am going to tell you what I tell the parents I work with, you are the "expert" on your daughters behaviors. You live it 24 hours a day. You keeping fighting and fighting until you find that person who will listen. You are doing the right thing by setting limits with your daughter and not giving in to her tantrums. And to be honest your daughter more than likely has no idea why she acts the way she does and it can be very frightening for her as well. Talking with her about what happened after her tantrum is over is 100% right on target. Good job! During these talks you can even talk about what triggered her tantrum and what can be done differently the next time this happens. Make it a team effort (team being you and your daughter) working together. Also, set some small goals with her and reward her for "good days". If her tantrums are multiple times a day try setting a goal of having only 2 tantrums instead of 5 and reward her when she is successful. I know it is extremely hard especially after four years, but really try to focus on her strengths and the positive behaviors she demonstrates. While you fight the fight with the outside world to figure out what is going on, you don't want your daughters self-esteem to suffer either. Lastly and probably most importantly, take care of yourself Robyn. Make sure that you give yourself some time. I don't know what type of support system that you have but you must have one for yourself. You need it to keep your head above water. You definitely have a battle on your hands but do not give up!

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My daughter is 10. I could have written your post. You are definitely not alone. Our daughter/family have been to numerous specialists, read books, parenting classes, etc... Ug it seemed that nothing was helpful. We did try medication therapy, which was unwanted, yet helpful. We had to rely on ourselves a lot of the time. Mostly because she diagnosed with something different and everything under the sun from age 3-9. This was frustrating and helpful only in hind sight. The things that seemed to help the most, staying consistent, holding her accountable even when she didn't accept responsibility (I later cried how thankful I was on sticking with that, because it seems worthless efforts). After she matured a little, I was given advice from a neurologist to make sure we maintained "delayed gratification". Helpful advice for sure but I didn't quite get it at first. I would do the star chart for her and at the end of the week she could earn something. She couldn't get through a day at that point. So we broke the day up. Focussed on smaller pieces, 5 responsibilities in the morning, get dressed, eat, brush/floss, hair, backpack ready by the door. This sometimes took 1-2hours. Uggg. If she could do it at all (all 5 without a breakdown). She could watch 30 min of tv after school before homework. This is where we had to learn again because she would get in trouble at school and miss her supposed reward for morning. So she could put or pick a small item for her lunch bag, or allow her to make a choice on something, like bath before reading, what the side dish is with dinner...things she personally liked to do. Then school behavior had a separate reward system, then evening/Dinnertime. It was handwork for a year then it started to get so much better. Honestly. I truly hope you find some tidbits of help.

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The reward system mildly helps. I definitely agree that consistency and holding them accountable does help in the long run. It is absolutely difficult dealing with the "bad" days it seems like you are failing them and nothing is working/making it better. I do see small, gradual improvements as she's getting older. I hope that our next trip to the doctor will help us figure out what more to do. Medication is not something I am willing to try until I feel she can adequately discuss if she likes/dislikes the medications if it help/doesn't help. I might regret this later down the road, but if I don't know if it makes her feel bad or something it could just add to the already frustrating circumstances both she and I deal with daily. Her attitude at school is better. By this I mean she doesn't have total complete meltdowns nearly as often. The reward system seems to work at school, however, I know that she also knows how to "work the system" so I am afraid she is only hurting herself academically buy "skating by" and not sure how to address that without going back into the meltdown stages. Since we aren't entirely sure where she falls into the learning scale it's hard for me to know what to make her mad about at home and force her to do more difficult stuff at home. All of her behavior/learning issues goes hand in hand, but I just can't...for the life of me....figure out HOW the pieces fit together or HOW to help her in a productive way without it being a knock out drag out fight :(

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People with hurtles in their lives have a strong ability to adapt. With understanding they can overcome. When I was a child I had both a physical and learning disorder that no one figured out until I was nearly 20. I had an under developed retina in my right eye and it was crossed, causing double vision. Which my teachers thought was the whole problem. I also had a form of dyslexia and add. I had one teacher in 7th grade who was trained in teaching kids with special needs and she taught me how to track to calm down inside and focus, I still track to this day in my 30's, both my daughters benift from this practice. My oldest(7) has always been able to focus on art and music, English and math were harder, I find that if she is getting to worked up we take a break and dance around the house like a whole bunch of wild monkeys or do a craft or art projects, then we get back to work. My younger daughter (3) benefits from this too, she is more passionate aka louder and more pron to melt downs, we get her out of her funk then we talk and get to the bottom of what got her so worked up. The heart is what matters it is what comes out in their behavior. My children are not aloud to misbehave but I want a heart change not behavior modification, so understanding is key on both ends, and lots and lots of prayer. :-)

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I like Lorinda's answer. However, if the moodiness is not stress but rebellion, I would simply ignore her, she will speak to me sooner or later

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anonymous I lost my 23 year old daughter, not by death, but by rebellion, causing her to give in to peer pressure starting using drugs from A-Z, name it, she did it. She has 2 children, a little boy who is raised by his biological father and stepmother, and a beautiful cute little 2 year old girl being adopted by us. Answers I do not have, because she had the same sample that all the other family members have. We raised her in the church, learned her religion, gave her love and special time, without any possitive respons. With our granddaughter we have a second chance to raise a girl, giving and not spoiling, strict but not demanding, help her to make choices and bare the responsibility of her own decisions even on her young age. And we pray that her life will become succesfull.

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It is extremely hard to deal with the stress in my familys life that I know so much affects my 12 year old daughter. She believes she is bipolar as her dad has the gamet ..from Bipolar to PTSD with some annoying OCD thrown in. We talk all the time and yet sometimes I need to just let her vent in her room until she realizes that she needs to remain calm to be able to talk to me. Honestly we have a lot of nightly fights about her attitude and how she acts but in the end, we always make up and she knows I love her. She is going back to councelling because she requested it. She doesnt want to grow up like her dad. Sometimes, though she loves her dad, she hates how he is, esp when they argue, I feel like we would be better off on our own. Just had to throw that out as it is in the back of my mind everyday...

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Liebie, You've been through the rough waters I can sense that, and I';m sure you'll do a steller job with the new little one.

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Robyn, I read more of your comments; If it helps at all ; know it is not your fault, her moodiness, your struggles, what you feel and how or what you have done or not done, it is no-ones fault, especially not you. If people blame you, as may will judge parents and more often the mother " it is something she is not doing for her girl or perhaps something she is doing WRONG" remember, forgive them, they do not know. They are not in your shoes, and have possibly not had to go through this. I had a very challenging girl, and she has now gotten much better, she is 10 now. However, people blamed me, even my husband at times, and I did feel totally at loss at times. Listen to her, and give her space. Look at the great advice here, like certain foods could possibly make things worse.... you may want to try to be very selective with foods. Sensory integration exercises are great for pretty much anyone, they are calming. Of course art, movement anything she really likes that is not pressure for her is very helpful. I do not know how old she is, but my kids learned reading and writing and math " late" compared to others. At 7 my girl could not recognize the letters of the alphabet, and yet, now, she skipped grade 3 and excelled on her tests, in both math and language arts. My younger girl is having an even harder time to read than my first, but I am not worried. There is way too much pressure in our society, on both parents and kids. Look for a charter school or somewhere where they give more room and freedom for a child who needs more of that... we love Waldorf and Montessori charter schools, and they both give a lot more freedom for the individual needs in my opinion, than the regular public schools that are so pressured by testing scores. Look into any alternatives you can, they are out there and they are great. Occupational therapy is great too. since I do not know her age or more about you and her, it is hard to say, but many have similar problems, and you are not alone.

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I have a 17 year old that is going out with a 16 year old that has anger issues and got help for it by going to one session and also has low self esteem. He thinks my daughter is THE one for him and is talking to her about marriage!!!! She is an honors student with good morals and values. This is her 1st serious boyfriend. I broke them up before but she still wants to go back to him even though he is manipulative and controlling!!! She has changed so much and is so moody. She is not mean but is always sad now and never wants to go out with her friends like normal teenagers. I don't know what to do as she is soon going to be an adult in a few months.

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Carol most girls and some boys appear to be bipolar due to their mood swings. I worked with a 12 year old girl whose foster mother swore the girl was bipolor but when she described the behaviors, it was "normal" mood swings. That same child was also thought to be depressed and ADHD but after she was off her medications she was "normal" an honor student and now in college towards the end of her undergrad work, continuing without medications.

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Why would 10 year old bang her head on purpose on stairs

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Remember when you were a moody daughter, and go from there...

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OK, My Story is a little different. First of all, I like to congratulate, Sarah Simms!!~! :) :) :) ~~!!! What Book did you Read? LOL!~!! I not only like your methods of discipline, although, I have not done Much Spanking, I TOTALLY AGREE with your methods!!! I am Now the mother of a3 girls, ages, 28, (Just Married, 9-17-11), Now we are expecting our First Grand Baby. I say We, As in my daughter, and Myself; as I have been a single mom, for Most of their lives; although I have 2 girls, and 1 son, by a 15 yr. relationship, which their father, finally stopped acting stupid, and actually they have been in his custody for 16 yrs. The 28 yr. old daughter, followed by a son, age 23, have been on their own for 5 yrs. now!!! My Emily is 17, and remains with him. He also lives with his parents. My last , age 16, resides with me, my mom, and 3 1/2 yrs.. ago, my brother came to live with us, due to illness. So it is 3 by a 15 yr. relationship. One, 16 yr. old Daughter, by a short, failed marriage. The situation is a whole other story. I unfortunately had been diagnosed with stage iv, Breast Cancer, when my 17 yr. old was age, 5. I will have to Continue, Have appt. to keep. Be back around 9:00 pm.

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never forget to love her,and be a patient Mother.

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I ask her is she PMSing then she ask me the same and she gets thats she is acting moody and needs to explain her behavior. If that fails a class of wine for me and stay out of her sight! LOL

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Mostly i accept it. Everyone has their moods. I get moody too. Hugs, Humor, Ice cream, walks, dark chocolate help. Get from her how she wants/expects you to deal with her when she gets moody. If she cannot shake a bad mood, get some medical advice.

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Your question is kind of broad. How exactly is she moody and why?

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CHOCOLATE!!! THAT'S MY ANSWER LOL!!!

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Have a 5 YO Granddaughter and she is ok in school but when she steps in the front door of our home (where she lives) she starts whinning. There are times we can't understand what she is saying because of the whinning. Its like she doesn't know what the words, hush, stop, no, be quite,means PLEASE HELP US.

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I was surprise to hear my 3 year old answer back and have the mood swings of a preteen! However I quickly realized that she was first, testing her boundaries, second she was trying to act like mommy (specially when she puts her dolls and stuffed animals in time out for not listening to her) and last that it was her defense mechanisim to deal with mommy not being "happy". I noticed that sometimes I am focused on what I am doing and she will ask me something and when I answer back she gets defensive. I let it go and a few seconds later she comes asking "mommy are you happy?". It daunt on me that she thought I was mad and therefore was simply reacting to my non-verbal cues! Always remembering that "Children learn what they see" is helpful in watching how I behave in front of her and asking additional questions about what she is experiencing at preschool.

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My daughter is very head strong...at the age of nine she always knows what she wants.But sometime I know her choice may not be good for her in future ,then I have to be clear at that tim,e ..that no other option is better for her...that is always difficult time for mhe.She doe't understand without logics..and even if she understand she makes sure that her idea should be followed.Then I tell her the stories where the simmiler act(of her choice was done..and the consequences were adverse..) And I remind her that last time I had listened to her when it was genuine this time she should understand why mumma is saying this .But that time I have to be firm b'coj the children have there own ways of deviating you.And if not that time then also keep trying as there would be a time wn ur child will understand the reasons behind what u say.Keep saying what's best for them ...one day it will workj.

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wondering what i had ever done to deserve what has happened i have always supported her

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I hear and feel your pain.

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I have a 6 year old who is very disrespectul to us and even some visitors - and she does not grasp the concept of 'be nice to us and we will be nice to you'. We do deal with this behaviour with time outs, stopping treats and generally ignoring the obnoxious behaviour but this is getting harder as she seems to lack that caring element which should come out when someone knows how much they have hurt another person. I've been in tears so many times because of her hurtful words and actions but still she continues in the same vain the following day and sometimes even only a few hours later the same day! If anyone can offer any words of wisdom, as to what to do next please - I am listening!

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Have you ever told her how you feel? That when she says or does certain things that it makes you sad/hurts your feelings?

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i would like to know as my daughter can be very moody

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