I NEED HELP!!!

Krissy - posted on 11/12/2011

yes, add structure, clear consequences and try to take away yelling...

But most important, it sounds like your boys and you need to start enjoying one another again.

We go through phases here when I, as mom am more burned out and I don't take the time to just really love on my kids...

These are the times when I yell more and when they disrespect more. I'm in no way saying that you should neglect the rules or laying boundaries or enforcing them, but be sure that the in between times are full of fun for you... all three of you! When your kids have a good relationship with you, they are A LOT more respectful and milder discipline is usually enough.

((speaking from experience here LOL!!!)))

Ginger - posted on 11/15/2008

I would first try to take a deep breath and stop yelling. I know it will be hard but yelling only leads to more yelling. Next, I would make a list of house rule ( doesn't have to be long) and go over it with the boys along with the consequences for breaking those rules. Next time they leave you to carry their stuff,walk right up to them, take their snacks and send them back to the car to get their things! You might also try some counseling b/c of the recent separation. You and your kids are dealing with a huge life change and even in the "friendliest" separations, kids are feeling angry and hurt and mourning the loss of their family as they know it. You don't deserve disrespect from you kids and shouldn't tolerate it. Let them know that you will only listen if they are calm and respectful and lead by example. No one can keep their cool all the time but the more you, and they, practice it the easier it will be. The first few weeks will be rough, but if you stick to it and don't back down about respect they will come around. Hope things get better for you!

Erika - posted on 09/08/2014

How do I explain my separation when my kids are so sensitive? All of my children have fever blisters in their mouth and are scared of their future. I just got a letter from my fiance' stating that we need to leave ASAP because he needs to deal with his issues. He lost his job and children because of anger issues. He was always great to my kids, but in times of distress he just asked that we move. I sold EVERYTHING because he asked me to and now we're broke because of loss of jobs. Ironically we lost our jobs three weeks apart. I finally got job today, but it's not much to support 4 kids. Any survival tips?

Joanne - posted on 11/07/2013

It would be interesting to know when your boys started treating you in this way. It truly is NOT OKAY as they seem to be unrespectful. You mentioned that you are separated from your husband. This is only a guess, but it could be that your husband has been telling your boys bad things about you. Kids hate it when their parents get separated or divorced. They can become very unbearable because of this. They are either blaming you for the break up or their dad is saying bad things about you. Did you ever have a discussion with our boys about the breakup? You should and get their viewpoint on the situation and hopefully, they stop the negative behavior toward you.

Debbie - posted on 05/02/2013

We have begun to implement the happy face token system & are awe-struck by the results we're already receiving. My almost-9-year-old son is motivated toward goals (of wii time, in particular) like never before, and we love the idea of blessing our kids rather than always "being on them." In the book, From Combat Zone to Love at Home, there are some wonderful "battle plans" that give step-by-step instruction for less yelling and getting more happy obedience. This family program is structured for the success of mothers to be at their best most of the time. The very nature of the "heaven-sent" program is counter intuitive and provides a unique, simple consistency factor that allows the parent to gain control and happy compliance from her difficult children. Amazingly, it seems the more difficult the child, the better the system works. I have been telling my friends about it and they are singing praises too! It doesn't take long (about 2-3) weeks and the children will be asking how they can help with the hope that they will earn happy face tokens. It's not a guaranteed result, That's where the control comes in, but when the children are being so helpful and kind to one another, it's worth the reward. The counter-intuitive experience comes as you see how pliable and adaptable the system is with mom's moods & stressors to aid in the coping capacities. The frustration and yelling factors all but discipate and even though they are not eliminated, they are minimal and spaced out better. There's a good website for strong willed children that talks about this happy face token system here. http://strongwilledchildren.com Hope this helps.

Leslie - posted on 08/27/2012

stop asking them several times....Ask 2 Times.....3rd time is Time Out Time...and make sure to separate them when they are doing there Time Outs...Good Luck

Beata - posted on 08/26/2012

It is not easy situation, maybe my little reflection helps:)



http://beatastasak.hubpages.com/hub/What...

Krissy - posted on 11/12/2011

wow, I just noticed how old this is!!!! yikes!!!

Margaret - posted on 02/02/2009

It sounds like they know they can bully you and get away with it. I would start by setting some boundries and rules. Set them down and look them in the eyes and say what you want them to know instead of yelling. I also think that they should be carrying their own stuff into the house, make them take responsiblitly for their own stuff. I would also tell them that as well. Also with snacks tell them there are no snacks until you put your things away and wash your hands. Give them something to do so they just dont go running for the snacks. They need to know that they have to do this and this in order to get the snack, that also calms them down and gets them focused i think. When my kids come home from school they put their things away wash hands start homework and get a snack. They were told this and they know the plan and follow it. I hope this helps. I dont know if they do this but i had this problem. When you call their names make sure they dont answer with "what" or "yeah" that shows a sign of disrespect , i think now i dont mean make them say yes mam and all that i dont really care for that but a nice yes mom will do. Once they know you are not going to be talked down to then they will realize you mean business. Also make a chart of events for the day that might work . like a schedule so they know what to expect, i just thought of that. Good luck

[deleted account]

I promise you the moment you stop yelling and talk to them in a deep tone explainging things it will all change. I promise.

My boys answer us with a Yes mama No Mama and Yes sir and no sir. they are not allowed to disrespect any adult. Now don't get me wrong there are times that I have to give them THE LOOK but for the most part I am blessed that they are well behaved.
but it started from the time they could walk and talk. They new that MOMMY and DADDY were the bosses and to disrespect us is to disrespect Jesus.

I will pray for you. I can't imagine how hear breaking it is to deal with this and to be separated.

Michelle - posted on 01/29/2009

It's a very tough situation you are all in right now but even though you have two separate households it's still important for you both to be on the same page.  I think first you should sit down with the boys' dad and have a talk about what your goals are for the boys because the more stability the boys see in you guys the better they will feel.  Kids always act out when in stressful situations. And make sure that their dad isn't allowing them to be disrespectful, although you are not together you are still a family and have to support each other.  Also, I'm bad about yelling as well and it's not easy to just try to be nice when you've yelled for so long.  I've got a new thing I'm fixing to try out and so maybe you can try it too.  I'm going to make a schedule that will have the kids' daily duties, this will help you with the house and get them involved in helping.  Reward them for good behavior and make sure you follow through with consequences for bad behavior.  I think once you and the boys' dad have your talk and are on the same page you should both sit the boys down and talk with them.  No matter if you are together or separated you are their parents and they are looking to you both for security and stability.

Rebecca - posted on 01/28/2009

Check out www.positiveparenting.com I did a class with this lady based on a book Redirecting childrens behaviour. I was miserable before and our 5 yr old was angry and wanted new parents. I sat him down one issue at a time and asked HIM what he thought should be the consequence for a given issue. He got to choose for the first, second and third time. It was a lot of reminding the first few weeks but he is getting it. I tried to find non angry ways to deal with them not doing things. I told them that any toys not picked up would disappear after they went to bed as I could make them disappear.. Our house has been a lot cleaner since. Give them age appropriate responsibilities. Like getting their own bags out of the car. Setting the table. Helping clear the table. Putting underwear and PJ's away (clean laundry away). And the key, have at least one Geniun Encounter Moment each day with each child. Where you stop what you are doing and really get involved in what they have asked. eg look at my picture and talk to them about it. Take 10 mins out and play a game of UNO. Turn the music up loud and dance like crazy people. Have a pillow fight. Tell the kids that when you feel steamed your going to go into your room for a few mins and that when you come out you will have calmed down. If they understand where and why they are less inclined to follow. Good luck.

[deleted account]

Thanks for all your replies! It is all very helpful. I will try it all. Stopping and taking a deep breath doesnt work for me, I will try my best not to yell but I have a hard time taking that couple seconds to wind down myself. If anyone has any suggestions to help with that they are certainly welcome! Thanks again to all!

Hilary - posted on 11/16/2008

I agree with the other posts. Granted I have 2 girls and they are a lot different than boys, I still have the same problem with what seems like disrespect and me yelling. I have found that if my girls know what the ground rules are that really helps. They know that I will ask or say something a min of 3 times, if they havn't listened by the 3rd time thats when I may yell (actually, it has changed from yelling to my stern voice), time outs happen, or they lose a privlage (like a tv show). Sometimes I only have to hold up 2 fingers to let them know that they only have one more chance to do whatever it is I asked.



Start by setting ground rules and sometimes, if your children are old enough, talk to them about respect. I found that talking helped with my 6 yo daughter. Make sure to take a breath and time for yourself, too. Best of luck.

Noël - posted on 11/15/2008

i think it is important to have clear consequences and to not give any kind of emotional response to their choices, like yelling. it is really easy to get sucked into getting/feeling angry about their choices...but if you can set out clear guidelines and rules, like ginger said below...and then stick to them...i think it makes a difference...hang in there, you can do it!

Jessica - posted on 11/15/2008

I feel your pain! I have a five year old boy and it seems like I am yelling all the time or saying "Don't do that!" and I get tired of it. My husband also yells at me for yelling at the kids. I try not to be loud, but nothing else seems to work and the yelling hardly ever works. I really don't know what to do either....it seems to be better for myself and my son when it is just the two of us but when we are in the presents of other people he disrespects me and never listens! It is driving me insane!