moms that dont have patiece with there kids.

Nicole - posted on 03/29/2009 ( 60 moms have responded )

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the last couple of months i feel all ive been doing is yelling at my 5 yr old son, it seems we argu like little kids im fusterated and hes fustrated and dont listen to me.i get upet and start swearing its terrible im the adult, i feel im teaching my child to disrespect me when i am doing it to him. last night i calmed down and asked him why he doesent listen and why he treats me the way he does? he answered b/c you are mean to me! all you do is yell.hes right i do yell, so i told him hows about if we treat eachother nice and i will do my best not to yell, but you need to listen to me! i thought about going to the dr to get something to calm me down, i do take something but maybe i need a med change. please give me advice. am i the only mother that yells at her kid????

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Jenn - posted on 03/09/2011

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I have two daughters, 6 and 4. I found myself yelling at them, then they yelled at each other, then unhappiness took over the whole house. Miserable! Then I took note of my 6 year old's favorite teacher. She's like the child whisperer. It is the craziest thing to watch. The children in her class run around insane, then she appears and speaks to them in an almost inaudible voice and they obey her every command. Awesome.

That's the key, I learned. It is all in tone and delivery. When my daughters are driving me nuts, I lower my voice, speak slowly and very to the point of what I want them to do or how I want them to behave. I make it a game with myself to try not to yell. It throws them off! ha :) We do sticker charts. We give lots of hug-it-outs (they can let out alot of aggression in a tight hug squeeze!).

Kids always have and always will react to how their parents react. Even as babies they did, remember!

So I try very hard to remember I'm the mom. I'm the grown up. I should behave how I want them to mirror me. Then I schedule Girls Night Out once a month for therapy!

Lea - posted on 03/31/2009

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If you find yourself repeating the same thing over and over ( brush your teeth, get reading for the bus, etc) try writing what you expext from him down, or use pictures if he can't read. Come up with rewards and consiquences. Stick to it...that the key cause kids are smart. I did that for my son, and life has been a whole lot eaiser.

Kari - posted on 03/30/2009

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what I have had to do was calm myself down and make a determined decision to chage. I have to set boundaries for my kids and make sure I stay on it- it requires a lot of effort on my part but in the end they behave better for me and that helps. I say no once, do not keep saying it- and then it is time for consequences. I have four kids and when I do not stick with the solution I live in the problem. I have to be motivated to stay on them or they will see through me and run the show.

Jessica - posted on 01/15/2013

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i feel like this too! :( and ive tried sitting down with my son, and telling him i hate when we are like that, and i hate yelling at him and making him sad. i too have been told im mean, rude and hated. ouch. by a 6 yr old. 6 yr olds shouldnt know what hate is. but it gets us nowhere :( my mom thinks i may be bipolar, and sometimes i wonder if shes right. i see all these moms so happy and cheery with their kids, and lovey dovey, and im over here like Someone wanna buy some kids?? being a parent is so damn hard sometimes :(

Abigail - posted on 04/01/2009

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Quoting Stacie:

Hi, i find i have the same problems with my 5 almost 6 year old daughter. we are always arguing, and im having trouble seeing any good in her which i know is a bad thing. she is very disrespectful, ignorant, and just plain rude to me. i have a son also, who is 18 months old. (whom i never have any problems with!) i just cant seem to find a way out of the circle. whatever consequences she gets for being rude/naughty it just doesnt seem to phase her. ill say 'if you keep on ignoring me you wont be watching tv tonight' ...all that happens is she changes her argument into 'well in wanna watch tv!!' and then thats a whole new argument. nothing ever seems to get resolved! i really dont know what to do with her anymore. i want to start our relationship from scratch, new terms and conditions. can anyone help me???



You are warning her and giving her another reason to argue.  Instead, when she wants to argue just say "I know" over and over again or "bumber" or "nice try" over and over again.  Then if she refuses to do what she was asked, don't warn her.  Just wait until it is tv time then tell her, "oh, how sad (and you have to sound like you really mean it!!!)  in this house tv is for kids who do what they are asked"  or "how sad, I'm not feeling respected enough right now to share my tv with you."

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Mary - posted on 10/04/2015

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I am a mother of three boys 4,5 and 10. My oldest son i am having so many issues with. I also catch my self yelling at him to the point where i wanna give him a huge spanking (but i catch my self and walk away). He isn't just rude to me he is also rude to his teacher. Telling her he doesn't have to listen to her, slamming his book on his desk, and walking out of class with out asking. He is also so mean to him lil brothers he gets mad at them when they don't understand what he wants or if they don't wanna do something he wants. My oldest also has a lil learning disability and has ADHD. But his behavior is beyond his adha he is just acting out for no reason. I have tried everything. I have told him he needs to respect others and he would get it back in return. I have even tried to do things for his good behavior. I've grounded him when he is naughty. Made him sit in his room without toys or tv and nothing seems to work. I have dealt with his anger for so long now that it's getting way out of control. If you have found something that helps please let me know.

Kristi - posted on 07/31/2014

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Reading most of these its like I personally wrote them all its exactly what I am going through. I am a single mom with 3 boys who 4,5, and 7. With my kids I feel at a loss there is almost no joy in raising them it's all stress screaming fighting as bad total destruction of my house. I can't take them in public heck I can't even take them to the park anymore!!! I'm ready to send them away to live with someone else if something doesn't change fast but after reading these comments I'm gonna try the books and see what happens ( I've tried meds to calm me and all it does is keep me calm to let them railroad me) I hope the books works!!

Jessica - posted on 05/18/2013

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I know this is an older post but i am going through this with my kids right now. Can you offer any advice to what you did? I keep wondering if I need meds or if this is normal to always be yelling and by the end of the day feel defeated and bad about myself?? ANy help is appreciated.

Debbie - posted on 05/02/2013

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I found a book that was an answer to my prayer as a desperate mom feeling like you describe. I too thought I would go crazy. I sometimes felt like the children had more control over me than I had over them. I'm the Mom, I'm supposed to know how to take charge. At least that's what I thought. Then I found the ultimate survival manual for frustrated parents called From Combat Zone to Love at Home. What an amazing experience it was to read and try with our family. For the first time I felt there might be hope! I found a website that described all my desperate feelings and so I tried the book. I figured I didn't have much to lose, but maybe, since I prayed about it, this was the answer. It was. Here is the link: http://christcenterdparenting.com/bribe....
Hope you feel better soon.

Debbie - posted on 05/02/2013

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I know just how you feel! I told the Lord I just didn't know how I could continue unless something changed. Then I bought a book at the Homeschool fair in OKC. What a blessing. For the first time I could see some hope. The lady who spoke about a book called From Combat Zone to Love at Home seemed like she was talking just to me. Funny thing is that the whole room was full with standing room only. Tears were being shed as she was speaking but the motivation she left me with encouraged me to try the program she developed called the happy face token system. It didn't solve all my problems, and Prozac might help too, but what a difference this program made for me and my family. I don't even homeschool, I was just hoping to find something that good Christian parents could use to raise children with. I found just what I needed.

Liz - posted on 08/31/2011

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I am so proud of you for having the strength and courage to come forward, step-up and ask for help. You can only better yourself and your situation from here on out! I went through a horrible phase where I was constantly snapping at my children and I felt so consumed with anger all the time. I realized my anger had absolutely nothing to do with my sweet babies and everything to do with some unresolved issues. But I also realized I was becoming something I deeply despised and if I didn't get help, I might do something I could never take back or never forgive myself for. For me, it was a call to the doctor and therapy. I'm so glad I did. I pray you find what works for you and your family...

Krystal - posted on 08/24/2011

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No you are not the only mom that yells at her kids. Frustration sets in when they dont listen. The advice I give your is to allow time alone to get your thoughts together first then come back to talk to your children.

Shaylynn - posted on 08/23/2011

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You are far from alone. I have a 5yr old and a 3yr old and sometimes it seems like my heads gonna explode from yelling. This finally stopped about a yr ago without any medication or seeing a therapist. Now i tell my kids "mommy needs 5 minutes, so please go sit down for a few minutes". I will put them in their room where i know they cant hurt themsleves and go sit in the bathroom or y bedroom for a few minutes until i calm down and realize that im freaking over nothing. It takes some time but im sure ur a strong woman who can handle it :)

Kimberlee - posted on 08/16/2011

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I am feeling completely overwhelmed at how much my 6 year old son and 4 year old daughter scream and whine and yell about EVERYTHING, in public. I am embarrassed to take them out in the front yard at this point because every time I do, somebody has a total meltdown and starts screaming and throwing a fit so loud I'm sure you can hear it several houses down and then when I say get inside now if you are going to act this way, they will run and scream even louder and I have to chase them down and carry them in. I just took them to the school to ride their bikes and they wouldn't stop screaming and yelling about everything, if the bike didn't do what they wanted they'd throw it down and kick it, if I was talking while my son was trying to ride he would fall over and then scream at me for talking and messing up his riding. It was one thing after another, so I finally said we are going home and you two can sit on your beds for the next few hours, and so then my 4 year old SCREAMED bloody murder the entire ride home about how she hates me and she doesn't love me and she's NOT going to sit on her bed. The entire way home. I am sure everybody in the neighborhood was watching out their windows. I tried to remain calm but when we got home, I spanked her and put her in bed. They have been on their beds for a half hour and are now in there laughing and yelling "Can I come out now?" I am literally at the end of my rope with these two. I feel like hopping a train and taking off and never coming back. Last night my son threw a fit so loud outside in front, his dad had to carry him inside. It was very embarrassing as the parents who live arond us are all teachers with kids who don't act like this. I feel we are the worst parents ever to have kids who behave this way. I don't understand why all they do is scream at me, sceam at each other, constantly do things we tell them not to, climb up on the counters, get into things they KNOW they are not supposed to. I have literally had it with them. I am at the end of my rope. I am ready to drive myself to a mental institution.

Raven - posted on 03/10/2011

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My kids dont listen. Its like i have to yell to get there attention. My husband gets mad at me for yelling so much but they dont listen to him either. Its gotten to the point where im ready to send them to there room all day.. I dont think i should tell my 5 year old again and again to do something. My 9 year old is mouthy and i was raised to respect and listen.. My 8 year old has adhd and is bi-polar and he's just as bad as the 9 year old.. I hate yelling but how else am i going to get them to listen. I tried calming telling them to pick there stuff up and i end up calmly telling them at least 10 times. But if i yell its done by the 3rd time.. Is it me or do my kids just dont listen?

Jessika - posted on 03/09/2011

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I'm going through this with my son right now. I've found that if i yell he just gets louder and meaner so its come to the just seperate for a little bit, you go to your room and ill go to mine for a little while...but he's gotten really self destructive lately-like yesterday he bit himself so hard that he bled in one spot and there are very dark bruises where each of his teeth were against his skin. he did this while at school when the teacher was trying to calm him down from his prior incident of slamming the back of his head repeatedly on the brick wall outside in their playground area because he was mad. he used to bite himself really bad but hasn't really done it in about 2 yrs (he just turned 5 about 2 weeks ago). i mean im happy he's not hurting other people but i dont like him hurting himself either. and one of the worst parts is, is that when he does these things it doesn't seem to phase him. that bite on his arm had to hurt but he had no reaction to it. he keeps blaming it on being tired so we came home from work and school today, he ate dinner, i had him get his jammies on and brush his teeth and he's off to bed at 5 in the evening...another thing is his story telling and lying lately. he's doing it on things that are not good to make stories about like his friends beating him up and he has stopped telling you that he's just telling a story and will fight you that its real. its got to stop and soon, for my sanity and his safety-i'm really worried he's going to seriously hurt himself! i've tried the giving no reaction, the 'it makes me sad when you hurt yourself' speech, the time outs, sticker charts for good behavior, etc...im just at a loss and i need help!

Jessika - posted on 03/09/2011

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I'm going through this with my son right now. I've found that if i yell he just gets louder and meaner so its come to the just seperate for a little bit, you go to your room and ill go to mine for a little while...but he's gotten really self destructive lately-like yesterday he bit himself so hard that he bled in one spot and there are very dark bruises where each of his teeth were against his skin. he did this while at school when the teacher was trying to calm him down from his prior incident of slamming the back of his head repeatedly on the brick wall outside in their playground area because he was mad. he used to bite himself really bad but hasn't really done it in about 2 yrs (he just turned 5 about 2 weeks ago). i mean im happy he's not hurting other people but i dont like him hurting himself either. and one of the worst parts is, is that when he does these things it doesn't seem to phase him. that bite on his arm had to hurt but he had no reaction to it. he keeps blaming it on being tired so we came home from work and school today, he ate dinner, i had him get his jammies on and brush his teeth and he's off to bed at 5 in the evening...another thing is his story telling and lying lately. he's doing it on things that are not good to make stories about like his friends beating him up and he has stopped telling you that he's just telling a story and will fight you that its real. its got to stop and soon, for my sanity and his safety-i'm really worried he's going to seriously hurt himself! i've tried the giving no reaction, the 'it makes me sad when you hurt yourself' speech, the time outs, sticker charts for good behavior, etc...im just at a loss and i need help!

Nadia - posted on 03/09/2011

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you are most definately NOT the only mother who yells!!! I do it too with my 5 yr old daughter and i hate myself for it! She just frustrates me so much sometimes.... the worst of it is that i know i shouldn' t be losing my temper so easily but i feel like i can't help it. i'm sorry i don't really have any advice, but i'm just trying to take a step back very time i feel like yelling and think "how else can i deal with this?". i don't really know wat else to do.

Krissy - posted on 03/08/2011

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I'm going to get slaughtered for this... LOL...

But I used to yell, and still do sometimes. I work so hard at being calm and reasonable.

The best way to remain that way is to discipline BEFORE you get mad. Don't wait til the fifth time telling them to brush their teeth. Discipline the FIRST time they don't listen... EVERY TIME!!!

And, honestly, here's the part I'm going to get slaughtered over. If my more creative disciplines don't work. I do spank, and I use a spatula pretty good.... they get one swat per year of age (but I don't do that to the little ones... it's not til they are at least 4-5)...

I do other discipline as well, but if taking away dinner... playtime, etc... doesn't work. I'd rather be in control of a severe spanking rather than wait until I blow my top.

Cristy - posted on 03/08/2011

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im glad to read this i fell the same, i have meds or a med and i have two girls 4 almost 5 and 2, very fusrated and i fell like a bad mom, pluse your kids tell you that, but its olny after you tell her something she cant do, but she does not listen, ill take some help too

Susan - posted on 04/28/2009

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So not alone! My son is now 9 but I can remember him being 5 and wanting to make me aware of his 'personality'. If the problem is mainly in the morning - ie getting ready for school as mine was, make up a chart of all the things he has to do either on his own or with help,(ie take plates to sink after breakfast, wash face, brush teeth, pj's under pillow....) for every task he does give him a star/sticker on the chart and at the end of the week if he reaches the target number of stars reward him with a treat - not a big thing - maybe a trip to the local park or a comic? I have moved this on with my son and the mornings are a breeze now - we still have the off day but doesn't everyone!

Angela - posted on 04/27/2009

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I am so glad i read this post and all of the responses. As you have heard so many times on here...you are not alone!!!! Everyday I feel like the bad mom because i feel I am constantly yelling at my 5yo son. He is such a mama's boy (I created it) that he knows what to do. It is almost as if he does it on purpose. In fact I told my fiance tonight that I am just plain tired of the stress between my son and I. I have tried the time-out to no avail. I have taken tv out of his room and that doesnt bother him. Now I am on the "take toys away". I feel as if more than half the time that I am with him we are fighting and argueing and that is not how I should be spending time with my son. I recently stopped working as much and was looking forward to spending time with him but now....I would almost rather be away. If we are not doing something that has to do with him and all the attention on him than he wants nothing to do with it and will make me miserable. Whew!!! So glad I am not the only one. I will definately keep checking back on this one to see where it goes. :)

User - posted on 04/15/2009

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You are not alone!  I am constantly having to raise my voice to my 6 and 7 yr old daugthers.  But when I speak to them calmly they seem to listen alittle easier, sometimes.  This too shall pass, hang in there!=)

Melissa - posted on 04/15/2009

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Everyone makes good points. Go with what they all say and run with each and everyone of them. I personally have found you have to try the whole time out thing. Go read a book or run on the treadmill or something to calm you down before you go back to the kids. I know I go for a "time out" and come back just a few minutes later I haven't had a time out. Maybe try the time out rule 1 minute for every year of age. Your 25 so take a 25 minute time out!!!! Let the kids start the time out timer for you. I like Tracy's suggestion about leaving stuff where they start and end!!!!

Tracy - posted on 04/15/2009

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NO!!! i believe alot of the yelling comes from frustration outside of our kids and just carries over...I suggest that you take some "me" time (even if its 10min out of your day), and I would also like to suggest, as hard as it may seem, leave work at work , leave frustrations with the spouse in the bedroom, and try to take on each day as a new day that you have with your child to bond!!!! Good Luck!!!

[deleted account]

My son and I have a thing...I don't know how well it would work for everyone, but this is what we do.

I find myself losing control of the situation and begin to scream and cuss, my son mirrors me. So we came up with a way to get it out before we say anything else. One of us will stop and just simply say...its go time! We grab the nerf bats and start beating hell out of something, like a pillow or some clothes that might be hanging up in the living room. It works, we end up laughing and settling down enough to talk to each other like humans again. Sometimes he will get in a head shot or something, but he gets grounded for that!

After we have gotten it out of systems we can calmly assess the situation and come to some sort of compromise. The most important thing it to let your child know you respect his opinion, but everyone must respect the other. We are all humans.

Moira - posted on 04/13/2009

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Oh and by the way I think we sometimes forget that children are just that CHILDREN. They dont always know what we are asking or what we want them to do...put yourself in thier place. If a mathemetician asked you to explain something complex could you?? What if he therefore yelled at you because you couldnt do it at that moment?

Yeah...frustrating...Mommyhood it is hard but the best thing you will ever do. You are creating the next batch of awesome humans:)

Moira - posted on 04/13/2009

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I have to take Lexapro and it works great for me. I only take 10mg a day and it is just enough to keep the calm endorphins flowing. there are other meds out there and I have tried them all but Lexapro was the one that seemed to work the best for me. Just think ladies 20 even 30 years ago they put us into institutions because we all went crazy from raising children!!! lol



Find what works for you and make sure to talk to your doctor to adjust it when needed.

Bernadette - posted on 04/13/2009

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Well after reading all of these I feel better.  I feel like the worst mum in the world because I yell at my son.  He is an only child and I love him more than life itself ... but the frustration at times is unbelievable.  The problem is I think I have taught him how to yell now too!  He thinks it is acceptable.  I try to keep calm, reason and all the rest of it but can only manage that for a certain amount of time and when I am running late for work and he is procrastinating well - after about 20 minutes of trying calmly - I lose it and yell.  Doesn't work!  I am just trying to keep calm, pick my battles and remember that even though I yell, I am a good mum and he is a happy, healthy, well adjusted (if not naughty sometimes)! beautiful 5 year old. Don't be too hard on yourself!

Trine - posted on 04/13/2009

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NO! You are NOT the only mom who yells at her kid!!! And yelling does NOT make you a bad mom!!! You are human, and humans tire sometimes. I know that traditionally it's the 3-year-old's that are called 'difficult', but in my experience, the 5 year olds are just as 'difficult'. at least!! Starting school is hard on them, and therefore also hard on their moms: it's a new world with new rules, they are constantly being challenged to define themselves as individuals, they have to learn what they will accept from others and learn how to communicate it too. My own son is 11 now, and in retrospect I don't really like to think of all the things I could have done better when he was 5 :D, but the one thing that helped me the most, was to try and approach him not as my little boy, whom I should help and protect, but as a sort of 'partner in life' : both of us has to live here, so we need to figure out a way to make it work. Of course, you can't talk to your 5 year old like to an adult, but you can talk to him -  just like you did. And it is also quite possible to explain to them, why certain things are the way they are; why there are rules for bedtime, eating, cleaning, homework etc. Living together is a collaboration, and when children are old enough to make demands, they are also old enough to (in part) help make the rules and make the whole thing work. We as adults generally dislike having to obey rules we don't understand and have no influence on, and as children grow older, they will start feeling that way to. At least mine did - explaining and discussing the rules helped us. And when I didn't have the energy to go throug all that, I told him that "there's a reason for this rule, but I'm really tired right now, so for now you just have to accept it, and I promise we'll talk about after dinner (or at bedtime or when ever you think you'll have the energy and the patience)" To sum it up: my general experience is, that you can come a long way with just being extremely clear (kids can't read you as clearly as adults, they're still learning), and with remembering, that as they grow they develope their own opinions about things, and (although these opinions quite often are somewhat unrealistic) that if you take your kid seriously, they will learn to take you seriously as well - human to human. And last, but absolutely not least: learn to pick your battles!!! Nobody can fight every little issue all the time, so try and figure out which things are really important to you, and learn to close your eyes to the rest. A lot of things can be altered little by little over time, so don't try and make everything perfect at once. The most important thing is to build an open and trusting relationship with your kid - sometimes the price for that is dirty laundry on the floor or dirty dishes left on the dinnertable for a couple (or more) of years. If it's any consolation, we still have dirty laundry on the floor and dirty dishes on the dinnertable, but I live with it, because my son is able to tell me, in a calm and friendly manner, if there is something he's unhappy with - even if it's something about me B)) I wish you the very best of luck, and hope that you will once again find the energy and surplus to enjoy the wonder of watching another humanbeing finding his way in this world. Kindest of regards from Trine B))

Cathy - posted on 04/12/2009

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I find I really have to make a conscious choice not to yell at my son when he's not listening - you have to 'decide' that it is just not an option anymore - period.  It's very hard to control, but with practise I've noticed a huge difference in the way my son and I relate to each other.  It's very easy to forget and start yelling, but you need to constantly remind yourself that it's just not fair to your child and they really don't deserve it.  I struggle with it daily.  But its sooo worth the effort to stay calm and if you have to give yourself a few minutes to breathe and calm down then take the time and then you have a whole new perspective on the situation.  It sure ain't easy, though.  Toughest job in the world !!



 

Ann - posted on 04/12/2009

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One thing I found helped was to call my 21/2 year old son's bluff.  He would not listen to me when I was asking him a question like what would you like to drink for dinner or to go and put on gloves to go out.  For the drink thing if he didn't answer I would say in a matter of fact voice that I guess that meant that he didn't want anything to drink.  He wouldn't believe me until we got to the dinner table and there was no drink.  It would result in a complete meltdown and probably not the best dinner but the next night when we went through the same scenario when he didn't listen I would remind him of the previous night and...trust me.... he came up with a suggestion for a drink.  I think the same applies to anything you are getting them to do.  Make sure they know what the consequence of them not listening to you are and then FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!!  One miserable dinner, night etc. can mean the difference between a listening child and a not listening child.  For the putting on glove situation I would tell him that it was cold outside and did he want to wear gloves.  I said I was going to.  If he chose not to listen I would put the gloves in the bag and we would leave.  Soon enough he would be complaining about it being cold and I would say remember to listen to Mommy next time and you won't end up with cold hands.  He puts his gloves on now.  Sometimes he still doesn't listen but I refuse to buy into it.  Pick your battles.  Is it the end of the world if it doesn't happen and if by him not doing it impacts his life then let it.  Don't let him make you run around after him.  Tell him you don't feel like getting it or tell him that he can waste time in the bathroom at bath time but that will just mean there will be less time for something he likes and FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!



I hope this helps.

[deleted account]

Nicole, have you tried setting up a reward system to encourage your son to do things that he refuses to? It could take a while for the penny to drop, but I think that once he sees that his positive behavior is being rewarded by, for example, extra play time, then his behavior and attitude may start to be the norm rather than the exception.

I like you, do blow a fuse on many a time, but for me, the above has worked. I've also explained to my just turned 6 year old, that mummy gets stressed when he doesn't listen, that I still love him and always will but that it makes me sad..... It's amazing how responsive he is to this.

Like the previous post, I give my son a warning (only 1 now he is 6). I tell him that if he repeats the said behavior that he will lose something- tv time, park time, or sometimes he sits out and I call this thinking about his actions time.

Hang in there. If you decide to try out these strategies and you are still finding it difficult, do seek further advise from doc. or other.

Good luck. :)

Sally - posted on 04/12/2009

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Hi

You are certainly not the only parent to have guilt for yelling! I hear you and have been there many times myself.

Been attending a 'suppourting childrens learning' course and the best advice I was given was to 'write it all down', I found a pattern when it was all laid out in front of me in my own honest handwriting. For us my v senstive 8yr old was responding to my stress and becoming stressed himself.- Mirroring Me.

The second best advice was 'not to argue'- Hah easy to say by teacher when her children are grown and she's not living/dealing with the s**t daily-ask them calmly to do what you need them to do once, twice then tell them if you have to ask them a third time this (whatever you decide I use Nintendo DS confiscation) is going to happen, tell child that this is thier warning and they wont be another one. Try and stick to it-Then walk away, do not hang around for the screaming/crying and throwing of shoes etc that follows - they will soon learn.(the hard way) that Mum means business

Have been trying really really hard and it's starting to work. - AND i'm starting to feel better about myself.

Luck

Nicola - posted on 04/06/2009

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I just wondered if when you ask him to do stuff you make sure to have his attention first before issuing the request and always use respect when you talk to him. I find that as long as most of the time i am calm and polite my children are too so the occasional yell when you are really frustrated doesnt affect them badly and makes you feel better especially if you explain afterwoods why you where yelling.

Nicole - posted on 04/06/2009

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To the mom's who say meds help - Can you tell me more? I am wondering what you take and how it helped, and why you chose to take it, if you care to share.

Jeannette - posted on 04/03/2009

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You are not alone, my son is five and has always been very challenging in his behaviour and pushes every single button he can when he's in that kind of mood. I used to yell, yell and yell some more, you know it gets me no where, don;t get me wrong I don't always manage to stay calm, but now I mostly do and he responds so much better for it. My daughter who is 4 is also now pushing the boundaries and with her shouting really upsets her, so it may stop her from doing whatever it is she is doing wrong, but it leaves her so upset that I feel there has to be a better way, there is, I talk to them, sometimes maybe too much but since Ive stopped shouting so much everyones happier, now all I need to do is stop my husband from shouting at them!!!

Heather - posted on 04/03/2009

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OMG. I have been there and sometimes still go there. There is nothing worse than feeling like all you do is yell at your kids, but kids can be sooo frustrating. The main thing, and most important thing, is that you are aware of your relationship with your kids. And talkign with him was an excellent way to handle it. ( its what i have to do with my daughter) The way inwhich I counteractedthe yelling in my house, is setting aside time each day jsut for my daughter to talk. ABOUT ANYTHING> And I just sit and listen to her. i always expect her to listen to me, but I rarely foundthe time to listen back. Now i make sure I make time. Most of the time its silly playground gossip, but sometimes we can get into a good conversation about things that I never realized she thought about. Now I'm not saying that we don't get into our tiffs still, but they are not longer screaming matches. Parents and children are always going to get on one anothers nerves at some point, but the more both sides listen the comforatable the relationship can be.

Karen - posted on 04/02/2009

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HI, i came on to read Nicole's question & can't believe Sssooooo many mum's feel the same. I have 5 kids ageing from 18 - 3 & sometimes feel i'm at the end of the line though lately almost all the time. I thought i was the only one as i look at other mothers & think how in control they are unlike me. I seem to have lost my way & don't know how to get  back.  I can be calm in telling them to do something one minute then i fly completely off the handle the next. I feel like the worst mother in the world & i'm sure my kids think that..... So it is very encouraging to hear that i'm not such a monster after all......XXX

Laura - posted on 04/01/2009

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Hi Nicole,




You are not alone. I have three children (twelve, ten and six years old) and I am a yeller and swear all the time in front of my children. I have tried stopping but I always seem to resort back to yelling.  I have tried many different things and read several books but I still yell. I know I am doing more harm then good. I just can't seem to get a grip on things. Somebody please help us!! 

Robin - posted on 04/01/2009

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yes, i feel like i yell too much too! and it seems like that is the only tone of voice they listen to. i try to talk calmly, but when i get nowhere, i end up yelling and that's when they start paying attention! i am on antidepressants and i am hoping that once my life calms down, i can too. i am in the middle of a divorce and i am sure the stress is getting to me. i have 3 kids and they are all very loud and vocal and i have never been this angry person before. i never lost my temper--now i can't seem to keep it! but, i have realized that when i overreact, they do too. they throw temper tantrums because they have learned it from me. they raise their voices because i do. to them, it looks like i am having a temper tantrum. i have to really work to keep myself calm. sometimes i don't know how to stop myself and i feel like a bad mom a lot. i am trying to work on a new parenting "technique" i learned at a class, called "Love & Logic Parenting." i am hoping i can get used to it and that it will work for us!

Ronda - posted on 04/01/2009

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You are SO not the only one. I think if you didn't get upset like we all do you would probably just spontaneously combust...lol. I have always had anger issues to a point but it's like children just seem to bring it out so easily. I don't always think that meds are the right answer but in my case they were. It may take several changes in meds before you find the perfect one for you but it does exist. Don't loose hope and remember you are definately not alone...

Nicole - posted on 04/01/2009

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Quoting Faith:



I feel the same way with wanting a clean slate sometimes.  I don't know if it would change anything, but it just sounds good!  It does make me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one going through this and I can say that since reading some of these posts, I have been able to stop my yelling just a bit.  It's like I'm a bit more aware of it and don't let it go AS far.  Hopefully that's a start?  Thanks everyone for advice.. and thanks Nicole for posting this originally!





 

Abigail - posted on 04/01/2009

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I think we all yell sometimes, but if you feel it has become excessive, than it probably has. None of us is born knowning how to be a parent or how to handle the many things our kids will throw at us. I highly recommend loveandlogic.com and my husband has a group here on facebook called "parents raising the odds".



It sounds like your son is fighting for some independence. Instead of telling him what to do, give him choices. Would you like to brush your teeth with Crest or Colgage? Would you like to go to bed with a book or without one? Would you like to wear this shirt or this shirt? Always give him choices in such a way, that no matter what he chooses it is an acceptable choice with you. Then, when their is no choice in the matter you can say, "I let you make a lot of choices and decisions today. This time it is MY turn to choose." It plays on a child's sense of fairness and gives them a sense of independence at the same time.



When he wants something, make him say please first, it is the beginnings of respect, not just manners. You can teach him this by saying, "I am happy to provide X for kids who say please." No anger, just a simple statement of fact. If he rebells and refuses to say it, simply refuse to get him what he wants. He will give in eventually, if you are determined to wait him out.

Faith - posted on 04/01/2009

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I feel the same way with wanting a clean slate sometimes.  I don't know if it would change anything, but it just sounds good!  It does make me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one going through this and I can say that since reading some of these posts, I have been able to stop my yelling just a bit.  It's like I'm a bit more aware of it and don't let it go AS far.  Hopefully that's a start?  Thanks everyone for advice.. and thanks Nicole for posting this originally!

[deleted account]

Hi, i find i have the same problems with my 5 almost 6 year old daughter. we are always arguing, and im having trouble seeing any good in her which i know is a bad thing. she is very disrespectful, ignorant, and just plain rude to me. i have a son also, who is 18 months old. (whom i never have any problems with!) i just cant seem to find a way out of the circle. whatever consequences she gets for being rude/naughty it just doesnt seem to phase her. ill say 'if you keep on ignoring me you wont be watching tv tonight' ...all that happens is she changes her argument into 'well in wanna watch tv!!' and then thats a whole new argument. nothing ever seems to get resolved! i really dont know what to do with her anymore. i want to start our relationship from scratch, new terms and conditions. can anyone help me???

Kristie - posted on 04/01/2009

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My kids just won't listen to anything I say.  My twin daughters are 11 and fight daily.  Their brother is 15 and knows it all and says he wishes that they were never born.  It's a daily thing here.

Kristie - posted on 04/01/2009

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No, you are not.  I am sure you are a wonderful mother.  My kids all say that is all I do is yell all the time.  I get so aggravated because they do not listen to me.  I told them if they would do whatever I said the first time, then I wouldn't have to yell.  I don't like myself when I yell at them.  You are not alone!!  My kids are twin daughters who are 11 and a son who is 15 and knows it all.

Adrianne - posted on 03/31/2009

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All I do is yell I feel like a crazy person!!!! So glad I'm not alone. Don't take any ike zanex stuff my mom did that when I was 5 and she can't live without it now. Lexapro it replaces all the missing elements in you brain to make you feel better That's my take not a medical view. I think moms have so much in our minds we don't sleep right. So they call it depression when it's sleep deprivation.I have a5 year old son and a 19 month old daughter. They make me CRAZY. I feel you.

Barbara - posted on 03/30/2009

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As you can see, you are not alone - and I'm happy to see that I am not either! Ditto to just about all that is above with the addition of this: I try to remember that the countering virtue to our "sin" of anger is kindness. (try being the oprative word :-) ) If I am reaching a boiling point (which I do often) I try to breath and do something nice or say something nice or think about how the situation may look from their perspective. Even just empathizing by saying, " I know you are really mad right now - so am I. Let's work this out." Easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I know!!!

Amber - posted on 03/30/2009

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nope...i'm right here with you! I now take Ativan (sp) and It really calmed me down. I was with my children 24/7 i've now put them in daycare so I can work..its like a HUGE break for me and I enjoy my children a million times more when I get them from daycare. I know its not something a lot of moms are willing to do but i woke up one day and went down stairs and was immediately mad about something...and i knew I couldn't go on like this. I got meds and sent them to a daycare and it changed our lives. I hope this helps.

Kari - posted on 03/30/2009

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what I have had to do was calm myself down and make a determined decision to chage. I have to set boundaries for my kids and make sure I stay on it- it requires a lot of effort on my part but in the end they behave better for me and that helps. I say no once, do not keep saying it- and then it is time for consequences. I have four kids and when I do not stick with the solution I live in the problem. I have to be motivated to stay on them or they will see through me and run the show.

Kemi - posted on 03/30/2009

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Hey Nicole, I find that I am also yelling a lot. was scared that this would drive them away from me and teach bad habits. when i find that i am reaching bursting point and not getting the desired response from my angels, i try to calmly ask them (or the cparticluar culprit) 'do you want to shout at you?' this doesnt work all the time and i do let rip but i find that it helps both sides (me and the angels) realise that we are at breaking point. Hang in there. You're a good mother to be concerned about your relationship with you son.

Nicole - posted on 03/30/2009

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its with simple tacks like brush your teeth, get your shoes on before the bus comes, disrespecting me saying give me milk, or come here now, ( that upsets me) hes very bossy and spoiled i hate to say it, and i need to stop it b/c it will get worse, i dont want him treating like this when he older. thank god for my husband, my husband disaplines him, but sometimes ill get mad at my husand lol . kids they know what to do to us!

Julie - posted on 03/29/2009

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You are not the only one that yells lol! I agree with Melissa, you can get this under control :) I have four kids and if I start to yell my whole day just goes down the drain. I don't give my kids the option to fight or argue, if I have to repeat myself more than once or twice ( not so much with my 3 year old and 22 month old but my 5 and 6 year old) then they know they are going to be consequences. For example they know that everyday after school they have to do specific things like feed the dog, and after dinner everyone does a quick pick up of bedrooms so we start the day fresh. If they give me flack then they don't get any TV or Xbox for that day or the next. Instant grounding. It may sound harsh but with so many kids I can only do so much and if I get overwhelmed life is not happy. If you feel yourself losing control tell him he needs to go to his room for a minute and you take a breather so that you can talk to him calmly.

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