my adult daughter is a narcissist

Patricia - posted on 11/16/2012 ( 254 moms have responded )

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My 46 year old daughter is truly a narcissist. I have read a lot on line and she fits the description. I have had problems with her all her life, and once again i am out of the picture. I finally realize that it is "Play by my rules, or you are off the team". She has in one day alone sent me about 60 texts, all of which are full of rage and blame. I have a 19 yr old grandson and 14 yr old granddaughter, whom I have been close with all their lives. Now we are once again estranged, not the first time, and what is really breaking my heart, is the grandkids have chosen not to communicate with me either. In the past, I have found myself agreeing with her acceptng blame for what most of the times I never really knew, just to keep the peace. I just can't do that again. She has so many conditions attached to her..."Do as I say, or you will not include you in our lives", Act the way i want you to, or else... or else...you will be punished. She said in one of her many texts, When will will feelings come first...You meaning me, should devote your life to your children, No I dont think so....She had a good childhood...but all should does is blame and make up stuff and I have tried to fix things by agreeing with her and actually told her "I will try and do better". How pathetic is that...The holidays are now here and no family, how can my grandkids just forget me...we had so many good memories...this is just breaking my heart,,,oh I function because I have to...but this is really getting bad...thanks for listening

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Diane - posted on 02/13/2014

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Hi everyone. My daughter is a narcissist, too. I see now that she always was. Even as a child she had a hidden side to her. I used to say she had shuttered eyes. She was the oldest child and the golden one, always shining under my attention and making me laugh. I was her best fan. And then I didn't give her something she wanted because it was morally wrong and she turned on me when she was 21 years old. She married and now she had a husband and no longer needed me for supply. Of course it was years before I could see everything clearly, but now I see how she played me for years and used me and the affection from her was never genuine. Mommy just was her source of supply. The years after that were confusing. She turned her children against me and started spreading rumors about me to our friends. She was cold and haughty and cruel and yes, she almost destroyed me. The evil a narcissist does in insidious and winds around you like a snake until you're almost dead -- no self esteem, no sense of self, and your history robbed from you and replaced with lies. I am so sorry that anyone has to go through that with a child that they loved and reared with every care and love and respect. No one is perfect but I was a good mom. We have been good moms. I think she was born that way. I have had to separate myself and begin a new life without her. It's hard, but I am finding my way. I wish everyone the best who is dealing with this. It's not pretty.

Kathy - posted on 10/14/2013

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I suspect my 34 year old daughter suffers from narcissistic rage behavior. I was a single mom. She was the oldest of three. Since she left home, she has twisted truths to be viewed as a victim. When she went to college, she joined a church and her "testimony" was that I was the cause of all her problems. When I went to visit and went to church with her, I was looked at like some monster. I have two sons who also see her disorder. She is now married with 3 children. Its too hurtful to write about all of the things, but 3 months ago I witnessed her rage at a neighbor, and her 7 year old son. I witnessed my grandchildren constantly hurting each other and watch her husband walk on egg shells. I decided to broach the subject by praying, telling them I had some concerns, and let them know what I read in the Bible first, before even getting to the concerns. Well, to say the least that led to rage, gritted teeth and being told I was lucky that she even shared her children with me. We live in different states. I was at the end of this one other time years ago, when she again, blamed me for every problem she had. Her father has the same problem and my adult children cut off relationships with him. My other 2 children love their sister, but see her as a problem maker. I just can't keep apologizing to keep the peace. My grand babies age range from 3, 6 & 8 and they love me. Her husband acts as mediator for her and defends her anger. He is a good man and I love him very much. The parallels between her and her father are becoming more and more in common. Messy home, the same anti-depressants (which don't work), refusing to take sincere responsibility for their actions, raging, neighbors not liking them (by her own admission, but that is their problem because she yells at the kids). Her boys are just "boys being boys" they are acting out in violent ways. I was a teacher and know the difference. They yell at her that they hate her, and other disrespectful words, which are not corrected. Her husband is getting his PhD, so he tunes out, but he has to because he is studying. But before he was studying, he wouldn't say a word to them unless she told him to. I am concerned and hurt and don't know what to do. She has already ruined my reputation with people I don't even know. She tries to with my sons, but they shut her down. I just don't know what to do. She has convinced her mother-in-law that I am a bad person, so understandably, she steers clear of me, which I feel is a shame, as she is a really good and kind lady, as is her husband. I just don't know what to do. This has not stopped hurting since July and it is now October. Any suggestions?

Julie - posted on 02/07/2014

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Narcissisits won't go to therapy together because it is never their problem. They are simply done with you and they will slander and lie to get people to see them as victim and us as monsters. I grieved, I validated, I sent loving little emails and never got a response - it's now been nearly 4 years and I finally have come to the conclusion that I need to live my life and live my truth which is that I was a good and loving mother. I'll not have her steal my joy anymore.

Elizabethsarmor - posted on 08/20/2014

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I hope the moderator of this web can look over this occasionally to see if there are the "trolls or raging narcissistic children who hate their parents and can not understand [ there truly are parents who are not at fault for their adult children's behavior. A mother who would be seeking support on these webs does not need additional abuse and pain from those trolling to add insult to injury even taking away a place of support and refuge for these parents due to your posting of shame and blame on them. Find your own web support and rage there. Give these parents some space to vent. Blessings

Vicki - posted on 01/06/2014

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My daughter is a narcissist. I did everything for her because I wanted her to make it. She was placed in special education and I fought to get her out. I helped her with her homework, bought her three cars that she totaled, did most of her work in college so she could graduate and have a chance at life. She lied about why she got divorced. She said he had tried to strangle her. The truth was he went out on her. My grand daughter was the greatest thing ever in my life. I was there for my daughter and my grand daughter up until three years ago. I helped take care of my grand daughter, played with her took her movies, paid a number of times for her child care because my daughter kept writing hot checks. My daughter was arrested for a ticket and a warrant was issued, I paid the $600 to get her out, I paid for part of her rent and so on.
She never thank me ever, but that is okay. I let my daughter and grand daughter live with me when my daughter was out of work, I would have never let it be hard on them. About 4 years ago my daughter met this man on the internet and he is living with her. Within a short time, my daughter said my grand daughter could not spend the night with me any more. Within a couple of months she wouldn't let me see her at all and it has been three years. I am afraid my grand daughter will think I have abandoned her and it still eats me up inside. She rents a house in the most expensive part of the Dallas area and tries to get my grand daughter in everything that will hook her up with wealthy neighbors. Two of her friends in the past, have told me that my daughter was a loser and I got really mad at them. However, now I realize she had used them up. I have read a lot about narcissist and it scares me for my grand daughter and that they don't change nor feel empathy for anyone. I really don't know what to do. It seems like you are there too.

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Mary - posted on 05/05/2018

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My life is much more at peace now that my daughter is out of the house staying with friends. I love and miss her but I am so grateful to God that I have my home back.

Liveweyerd - posted on 04/30/2018

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Oh, dear. Let me go back in time about 12 or more years ago. no, 35. My daughter is 35 and she was my joy. Follow by evil divorce, going to husband's custody to evade all rules and supervision and he was manufacturing meth, crazy and drilled my kids on a police standoff. Insane but really true and there's more. She moved to him at 13 yrs old, the age when we teach ethics & moral compass especially. She left his home when her brother committed suicide. I hold the ex wholly responsible for this devastating loss. She drifted but showed up with boyfriend where I worked to take them out for a full meal for lunch so they ate. Spent time with evil mother in law. then to my sister's. but then..she became pregnant and came to me. From that point on, I took care of her, hands on and financially. I moved to her house so that she could work 9-5 and I would do the cooking, cleaning and nanny duties while working odd hours myself and pitching in fully. One day she and boyfriend went to visit an out of town friend over the weekend, I babysat. She stayed gone an extra day and would not answer phone. I decided to spend time with grandson and not clean that day. She came home over 24 hours late, blew her top that the house wasn't clean and kicked me out in mid winter. Called the police to throw me out. I had my own place but had let utilities etc go. Moved 1000 miles away near sister and got a good job. They couldn't say my name for 3 months because the little toddler would go to the door and cry for me. Then mailed gifts daily to grandson, some trinkets and sometimes nice things...did a big part of his room for him. Eventually took over paying her rent + so she could go to college and care for grandson who had health problem and did not need to be exposed to day care. Between kicking me out and then getting a new boyfriend, she got abusive towards me. I wound up cutting off the money when she yelled at me that she didn't need it because she said I was late. I wasn't. No contact. She has played No contact from since she was 13...I did n't see her or speak to her for 1 1/2 years despite court ordered visitation. Broke my heart in two and started a pattern. She played on "she was all I had left after son died". I over indulged her. Is she grateful? not a bit. none of the things I did for her all her life are of any value to her. So, she has done the "I will try to talk to you, to the devalue, to the discard so many times that it quit devastating me. I got used to her not being in my life and went on with mine.
So, it just happened again. She called, I was supportive, I had an emergency problem she could have helped with and said she would. That was a lie. She started the devaluing and abuse. This last abuse was such a low, low blow and so hypocritical that it made me look up the possibility of narcissism. It's either that or borderline. I don't know.
But I am never going to forgive or forget what she said to me this time. I cried for 2 days.
My grandkids do not know who I am. I realize she will never again be the daughter I delighted in and was so proud of. Someday long in the future she will contact me again. I will want to be mom-daughter so badly. But now I know there is no hope. Life is much easier without her in it to be truthful. I have to hold that line somehow that this last round of abuse was the last straw that broke the camel's back. To let go and walk away and stay away. seems so surreal. My life was about my kids, none of this should have happened, ya know? She is successful..because of all the tools I gave her but she has yelled at me not to take one tiny bit of credit for anything that she raised herself. wtf? Her "Illness" trumps all logic. I also discovered how unable she was to be emotionally supportive this last time..always before it was only about her. I have to be done. I know her next round would be even worse. Her responses to me showed me that she is a total hypocrite and about image. Kicked me when I was down and because I am disabled, as if it were my character fault that I cannot work. Her image is very compassionate. I did call her out on a few things cause I knew she was going to discard and I am glad I got to tell the truth a little bit and call out her lies. She thinks I am just manipulative...pure projection. needed to get this off my chest.

Eladmh1002 - posted on 04/28/2018

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My daughter has been estranged for 10 years and my heart has been broken. I see her occasionally at family parties, and even attempted to reconcile last year, though half-hearted on her part. She has told everyone that my fiance, who lived with us for 8 years when she was younger, physically abused her. She said that her chiropractor told her (10 years ago) that her symptoms of fibromyalgia were consistent with early childhood abuse. She had sudden onset memories and refused to talk to me about it, but rather spewed venom at me. When she first told me, I immediately called my ex and in a deliberate accusatory style demanded to know what happened. He denied ever touching her, said that I would have killed him, that is true. She took him to court in a civil case and the judge threw it out. Perhaps she was looking for money. The reason I have difficulty with her claims is that she said I was there when it happened. Unless I'm losing my mind, that is just not true. I just can not recall it the way she remembers it. It is true that my fiance was a loud, raging type that I now know must have caused emotional damage, just by his larger than life grandiose presence and was therefore an easy target for an abuse accusation. I am to blame for allowing him in our home, I was young and alone and had been raised in a home with a crazy mean mother, so his behaviour was familiar, and I saw the good in him and mistakenly tried to fix him. I have a severe anxiety disorder( since 18 yo) with horrific panic attacks and bouts of depression which get triggered during times of stress. My other daughter always maintained that this accusation was not true, but a few years ago, she apparently started having recalled repressed memories of abuse after reading a book on ptsd. She said she was having dissociative feelings and someone gave her this book to read. She and her sister got in contact and, who knows what happened. I always felt very close to my daughter who didn't estrange and and now there is much psychic distance. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My PTSD has kicked in and I feel like I'm drowning in sadness mixed with a constant feeling that I'm going crazy. My psychologist just assured me that I am not a narcissist nor am I losing my mind, I'm rather being gaslighted by my adult daughters. This is both crazymaking and so painful. I made mistakes when raising them and have apologized for anything I did that may have hurt them. When they were young, I was in treatment to heal my tragic childhood of physical abuse and was determined to raise my kids differently. I now spend most of my time raking my memories for the things I've done wrong. I just do not share my daughters memories of physical abuse. How can I remember something that I just dont remember? I told them I believe them, I just don't remember nor would I have ever tolerated physical abuse. I even took my fiance to a program entitled 'systematic training for effective parenting' when they were young to learn some skills to raise kids without using corporeal punishment like I suffered at the hands of my mother. I heard that my daughters think I'm a lying narcissist. It feels like mind games to me.

Lelelo27my - posted on 02/12/2018

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wow my heart does go out to you. i have a 29 yr. miss know it all ... i felt it would be best at her age to move on ... i have been there myself and it is hard !! she might grow up a little... my daughter needs to grow up and take responsible for her son she abandoned 7 yrs. ago . daughters i think are for me the hardest to raise when they get 18-29

Mitzicoleman1 - posted on 02/05/2018

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Yes sometimes I don’t even know what I’ve done but in her mind i have once again messed up and must be punished. I’ve watched her have a fight with my phone and me not even say anything. Oh and I’m a evil manipulative witch who should die a horrible painful death. So I know lord knows I know.

Mitzicoleman1 - posted on 02/05/2018

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I have a grown daughter who is narcissistic. Things have been getting progressively worse over the last couple years. I would walk away, I need to walk away but I fear for my grandchildren. The oldest grandson has moved in with me because he is a Teen Ager now and she can’t completely control him anymore and things were starting to get violent. (pushing and shoving and throwing things at him and screaming ugly things at him) he has calmed down so much since he has moved in with me.
My daughter screams at me how much she hates me and wishes I would die and when she is not cussing and berating me she will send text after text making me know for sure what a piece of crap I am and I was a no good mother on and on and on. I did not know what was wrong with her until my grandson went to counseling and the counselor told me to go look up narcissistics I did and cried and cried. I blame myself and I feel sorry for her. Someone called CPS on her and she is supposed to attend counseling but I seriously doubt she does. The last example was last night. She has never gone to any of her sons basketball games and she called and cussed me out because it was my fault. Makes me crazy.

Gelisgi - posted on 01/08/2018

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We have an 18 year old narcissistic daughter. I won’t go into all the details as it would take all night. But we are worn down to nothing. There is no joy in living anymore. We love her, but whatever we’ve done for her, she’s thrown back in our faces. She’s mean, verbally and emotionally abusive, the whole narcissistic ball of wax. So we’ve begun distancing ourselves emotionally from her. She still lives with us, and now that we’re not running and jumping to her demands she is ANGRY. Oh so very angry. And she’s stepped up her game. We are non drinkers, non smokers, apparently boring people. We’d no sooner delve into prostitution and drugs than we’d jump off the roof. So she’s working that angle against us now. She claims she’s doping and prostituting. Who knows if she really is or not. I see no evidence that she is. She lies constantly about everything. But I’ve had enough. Our health is failing seriously from the constant unrelenting stress. I’m 60 and my husband is almost 60. We’re drowning in this. And there is no solution. If she were a little older I’d say, fine, make her get out and learn about living in the adult world. I did at her age. But then I did not have her mental health challenges. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. Narcissistic abuse is very isolating. Just being able so say something “out loud” on this forum was good. I love her with all my heart, but I really don’t like her at all. Her cruel ways are killing me. And, strangely enough, it appears that she expects me to enjoy that. Sigh.

Mary - posted on 11/20/2017

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have a 22 yr old narcissist daughter who has been diagnosed as a depressed bi-polar individual - she creates havoc my home. I am struggling with making her leave the home but she has no where to go and no job. Should I send my child out in the cold? I feel like I at my wits end, can't sleep, eat and she encourages my son (19) to join in with her name calling and abuse of me. I don't know what else to do. Please pray and any suggestions you have will be greatly appreciated.

Karen - posted on 11/16/2017

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Starliene, I too experience the very same thing with my 26 year old daughter. The hateful, abusive texts she sends me are devestating. She blames me for not responding within a time frame that suits her, but yet never answers my texts or phone calls unless she feels like it herself. Her father (we are divorced) gives her everything she wants because she has threatened suicide and he is afraid of her rage. She expects the same from me and I won't give in. This has included things like rent, nose jobs, breast implants, vacation travel, college, hair extensions. You name it, he will give it to her to prevent her raging behavior. She lives with him because no one else can stand to live with her and she cannot live on her own and take care of herself. This has totally alienated her older brother from her as well as their father. I'm SO tired of being told that I need to apologize to her for the "abuse" that I put her through in her childhoold and all of her mental problems are "my fault". I love both of my children, but she sure does make it difficult. The times that she shuts me out and will not talk to me are as equally devestating as her hateful texts, but they are peaceful. There is always a pain in my heart, though, that just never goes away. Please know that you are not alone out there! As I sit here at my desk at work writing this out of pure frustration at receiving another hate bomb this morning at 3am, I at least feel that there are other moms out there with very similar situations and feel the same pain. Thank you all for posting your replies. They are read with kindness, respect and prayers and are so very helpful.

Tracy - posted on 11/15/2017

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Sorry to hear what you are going through I know your heart is broken as mine is to but it is best that you cut ties for your own health and keep yourself busy with things that make you happy.

Cdcarmenjlo - posted on 11/08/2017

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Hi Tracy!My daughter has put me through hell with her narcissism.My youngest sister is narcissist too.She gave my daughter drugs and also brainwashed my daughter against
My granddaughter is 16yrs old and she had me miss 14 of her birthday but invited my evil sister and not me.I cut ties with daughter yesterday after suffering 25yrs of her abuse.My heart is broken but l have to be strong.

Tracy - posted on 11/02/2017

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I'm so glad to have found this site I felt like I was the only one with a daughter who has given me so much problems making me feel like I was going crazy but I know I'm not alone I have experienced a lot of what I've been reading and then some, I been hurt by her so much that I have no feelings for her at all I have to act like I care about her when she is around but its at that point where I just want her out of our lifes, we can not have a normal conversation without it turning into a argument because she twist evertning you say around. I just can't take It no more!!!!

Tracy - posted on 11/02/2017

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I'm so glad to have found this site I felt like I was the only one with a daughter who has given me so much problems making me feel like I was going crazy but I know I'm not alone I have experienced a lot of what I've been reading and then some, I been hurt by her so much that I have no feelings for her at all I have to act like I care about her when she is around but its at that point where I just want her out of our lifes, we can not have a normal conversation without it turning into a argument because she twist evertning you say around. I just can't take It no more!!!!

Ghislaine - posted on 10/26/2017

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My Goodness! My heart goes to you! I have regrets of my own myself, but I'm learning to accept things that I cannot change...

Ghislaine - posted on 10/26/2017

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Well, I've devoted my life to my only daughter, now 40 yr, and she has all the NPD symptoms... You name it, she has it...

I've tried everything from understanding to counseling to kindness, and she's played games with everybody... Now, I do not believe that's a cure... They are always trying to outsmart everybody, even the people who are trying to help them... My daughter even blamed for not playing Barbie with her although she's always had girls her age to play with! I told her that I didn't believe that there was a support group for this kind of "trauma"... And I was there, having a custom doll house built for her Barbie dolls and sewing outfits for them...

She's moved on to her next manipulation, and on and on and on... People with this kind of disorder always seem to find a a reason to dislike you no matter how good you are to them... My daughter even accused of trying to buy people, including her and my family, by being kind to them...

It's hopeless, and she's given me so much grief for as long as I can remember... Now, I can hardly wait for her to leave my home...

Ghislaine - posted on 10/26/2017

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Well, I've devoted my life to my only daughter, now 40 yr, and she has all the NPD symptoms... You name it, she has it...

I've tried everything from understanding to counseling to kindness, and she's played games with everybody... Now, I do not believe that's a cure... They are always trying to outsmart everybody, even the people who are trying to help them... My daughter even blamed for not playing Barbie with her although she's always had girls her age to play with! I told her that I didn't believe that there was a support group for this kind of "trauma"... And I was there, having a custom doll house built for her Barbie dolls and sewing outfits for them...

She's moved on to her next manipulation, and on and on and on... People with this kind of disorder always seem to find a a reason to dislike you no matter how good you are to them... My daughter even accused of trying to buy people, including her and my family, by being kind to them...

It's hopeless, and she's given me so much grief for as long as I can remember... Now, I can hardly wait for her to leave my home...

Joyce - posted on 10/08/2017

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Ann Hurley - I am waiting for the book "Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad--And Surprisingly Good--About Feeling Special" to come in the mail. I recently realized, after almost 40 years, that my daughter is also a narcissist. It did not come out until we went into business together and she ruined us financially. Then the narcissistic rages started. Up to that time we have always got along. I started spending hours reading about the problem and a few days ago came across the book. I feel at this point that if I gave the book to her she would totally reject it. How did that work out for you?

Monica - posted on 09/01/2017

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hey theresa ... when one reads all these posts one cant but finally get it. We have raised a generation of horrible, selfish, greedy, dispassionate BRATS. I also thought my daughter would one day grow up and finally find a moral compass. She didnt. Nothing uglier than a 47 year old Narcissist. I no longer allow her near me. But I do miss my grandchildren,

Monica - posted on 08/25/2017

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totally disagree with this approach. I tried it that way for nearly 30 years. she just gets worse and worse. narcissists do not change. there are not drugs. there is no therapy. but the longer you let them feed off you they wont stop until they have bled you dry.

Monica - posted on 08/25/2017

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twenty years ago my narcisstic daughter (then in counselling) told the counsellor that her father had sexually abused her from a very early age. the counsellor believed her ... it was an out and out lie. she also told the counsellor that she had turned to me for help and my response was to tell her not to tell lies. This didnt happen either. She made the same accusation against my sister .. another lie. so not only do I have an insanely narcisstic daughter but she is also a pathological liar who will say anything to get attention, look for sympathy and feed her ever-hungry ego. I allowed her to crucify me for over 20 years. the only solution is to cut all ties and rebuild your own life.

Monica - posted on 08/25/2017

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feel so sorry for you my dear. my daughter is 47 and really and truly I could copy your letter word for word. I have been having counselling for my own heartbreak and unfortunately it seems that breaking all contact and getting on rebuilding your own happiness is the one and only answer. Your daughter will never change and neither will mine. Dont blame your grandchildren for bailing out and deserting you ... you can bet your bottom dollar that their mother has told me not to contact you OR ELSE

Lindacourtemanche92 - posted on 07/26/2017

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Wow ,I can't believe I created a beautiful little girl who I so wanted ,,,,well ,,nasty ,very cruel ,makes things up how she had PST or whatever ,I laughed ,I feel stupid because I just couldn't understand why ?? 2 months ago she started using the word narrsasite ,yup sad ,lonley guilty & so much more , So crushed iam that I'm gonna say bye for now ,,😥

Ptgill2000 - posted on 06/29/2017

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Maddie P.,

Thank you for those words. Very healing. It's so good to READ my THOUGHTS!!!

Sincerely,
Ella D.

Jane - posted on 06/21/2017

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I am so glad I am not the only one with a daughter with NPD. I went for a month of no communication because she was demanding an apology for some crazy thing she "thinks" I have done to hurt her and her family. It was a very peaceful month.

Omie - posted on 04/11/2017

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I have raised four beautiful children that are all adults with children of there own. Out of the blue, my youngest daughter is accusing me of abusing them when they were small . I know I did my best to give them a good life especially after their father left. My other three are very upset because they don't know what she's talking about and they see that it hurts me. She has all the signs of narcissism. Has anyone else experienced This?

Starliene - posted on 04/09/2017

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I came here today because I am looking for answers, advice. I am so glad I came. My 28 year old daughter exhibits all the traits mentioned in these posts. I am raising her two kids, have tried and tried over and over to help her etc... As if yesterday I am done. I had to call the police and have her removed from my home. This is not the first time. She is a beautiful girl in the outside but it's hardly noticeable because she is so ugly on the inside. It's sad. She too has at times blown my phone up with horrible texts which I save. I save them all. A couple of months ago she was seeing a counselor. I thought great she is getting the help she needs. But no. She said she got one so she would have someone to vent to. As always, as soon as they see her true colors, they try to help her and then she quits going. She'll never keep going unless she finds one who is on board with her narcissistic personality.

Maddie - posted on 01/10/2017

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Thanks, Suzie.

I'm not afraid of my daughter taking advantage of me. I'm learning that if I choose to do something for her, I have to do it without expecting anything in return. I'm also learning to not expect her to behave the way I'd like her to.

My expectations along those lines were unrealistic and because of them I constantly felt that my daughter was unappreciative of me and I felt that she was letting me down and I resented her.

When I stop expecting her to be a certain way or do what I want her to, I don't resent her. Just like writing the article on NPD: If I really needed the article and was being paid for it, there is no way I would have asked her to write it because, realistically, based on how she has sometimes behaved, it's very possible that she wouldn't write the article even though she said she would. Then I'd be screwed and mad at her for messing up my job opportunity and professional reputation.

What I'm learning to do with my daughter is to have no expectations about her behavior and to only do things for her when I want to, not because I want her to be grateful. In addition, I'm learning to not do things for her when I don't want to--either because I just don't want to do them or because I don't want to feel like I'm being used and not appreciated. I'm also learning to verify things that she tells me because sometimes she lies. I would especially get angry with her if she lied in order to get me to do what she wanted me to do. But I'm learning to control how I interact with my daughter, instead of allowing her to control my behavior. This is the only sane thing for me to do since, realistically, I can't control her behavior but I can control mine.

I want to help my daughter have a healthy level of narcissism because I want her to be happy. I'm not doing it to make her appreciate me. I think and hope that as she becomes a happier person she will treat me better. But that is not my goal in trying to help her. My goal is for her to become a truly happy person.

I can't stress this enough: I have not always behaved well. I have been very narcissistic at times. It wasn't my normal way to totally disregard other people's feelings often like my daughter does but I was not a goody goody person either. But I've changed and am continually trying to be the best person I can be. If I can change, my daughter can too. Actually, I believe we were born into each others' lives to help one another become better people and happy people. By being the way she is, my daughter is helping me examine myself and I am determined to help her examine herself too. None of us is so perfect that we can't improve and all of us can become better people if we want to and try to. My daughter is no different.

Suelin50 - posted on 01/10/2017

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Maddie

I understand what you are saying. Yes my daughter and I have opposite personalities even though we look somewhat alike. She is quite a bit like certain other family members. I was raised very critical by my Mother and lenient by Father therefore I should be narcissistic but I'm not at all. Others can verify I'm a super giving, loving, generous and kind person just like my Grandmother. That is just the way I am. Everyone says I have a super sweet personality. My daughter sees me as a "pushover." I did insist she do well in school, be hard working and responsible and she is. However, she is also out totally for herself. She is going to get what she wants no matter what it takes. She has a husband who will do anything for of which I never had. I see very little of myself in her. I see alot of my Mother though. I understand you wanting to help your daughter I'm just saying be careful. I have done so much for mine that she doesn't appreciate.

Maddie - posted on 01/10/2017

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Hi Suzie.

I don't know about the situation between you and your daughter. From what you've told me, it sounds like you two have opposite personalities. It's not like that with me and my daughter. She is not like an opposite version of me. At her worst, she behaves like me at my worst but multipled a thousand times. Actually, that's not even true. When she was young, I did things to her that were worse than anyrhing she's ever done to me. When I see her behaving badly, I see the parts of me I don't like.

But, as a Buddhist, if my mind is clear, I see everyone as a reflection of me, not separate. So, when I change, so do the people in my life. I've seen this happen many many times.

Researchers say two types of parenting styles can cause a child to become overly narcissistic--too critical or too lenient. My parents were too lenient. I was too critical. The end results were the same: Both my daughter and I grew up to manifest unhealthy levels of narcissism. If I can change for the better by recognizing, taking responsibility for, and changing my flawed behavioral patterns, so can my daughter. I really believe this and I saw evidence of her inner change when she called me yesterday, a small change that happened, I think, because she recognized her behavior in the material I gave her to read.

"Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad--And Surprisingly Good--About Feeling Special" taught me several things: Too much or too little narcissism are equally unhealthy, narcissists can change if they want to, narcissists are profoundly unhappy, narcissists will lead miserable lives if they don't change, and there are healthy ways to deal with narcissists that can help me and them (unless they are on the extreme end of the spectrum, which someone like Hitler was and my daughter isn't).

If I can help my daughter, which I believe I can, I'm doing it. But I couldn't really help her until I got over my guilt about my parenting and got honest about the ways I need to change and got over my anger at my daughter and began to see her as someone who is profoundly suffering.

Suelin50 - posted on 01/10/2017

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Maddie

When someone shows you who they are believe them. You're daughter basically told you she is a narcissist and you can't fix it. No amount of advice, apologies, being there for her is going to help. She will use you and abuse you. She will not respect you. The more you apologize the weaker she will see you. You are a pleaser like me and they have no use for it. She is into power and control. If she can get something out if you by laying a guilt trip, she will. She has no compassion for you. Believe me and the apologies, gifts, money, time means Nothing to her. I have just totally backed off from my daughter. I can't be around such an abusive tyrant without feeling sad for days and I can't fix it.

Maddie - posted on 01/10/2017

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Like I said, I don't feel great about it, but the fact is my parenting contributed to my daughter becoming overly narcissistic. Researchers say that, as with most mental illnesses and disorders, unhealthy narcissistic behavior is a result of a combination of genetics and how a person was raised.

I was the trigger--along with my ex husband--that caused my daughter's genetic predisposition to become narcissistic to manifest. I can see how I was. I'm taking responsibility for what I did. But I'm not overcome with guilt about it.

It's the same with me. Undoubtedly my parent's over-indulgent parenting style triggered my genetic disposition to be how I was as a kid, a tantrum-having terror. As I grew older, I became a depressed, bulimic substance abuser who later developed bipolar disorder and went on to sometimes be overly strict with my own kids because I didn't want them to develop the problems I had as a result of my parents' inability to set boundaries with me when I was my kid's ages.

I used to blame my parent's overindulgence of me for how I turned out. But, like I said, I grew to realize that they parented me the only way they knew how and, as an adult, my choices and actions were my responsibility, not theirs.

My daughter's choices are hers but, as her mother, if I can help her develop a happy healthy life, I'm going to try. At this point, no one else but me will do this for her. Although I am glad for all the lessons I've learned in my life--including the ones I learned as a result of going through my worst times--if someone had known how to help me and really tried to do it out of compassion, not judgement, I might have responded positively to them. Might have. Then my life would have been better.

I'm glad I found "Rethinking Narcissism." It gave me insights into my daughter's psyche and helped me see how I can help her and not just be angry at her, to feel real compassion for her instead. I might backslide, depending on what she does. But at least I have a book that can help me learn how best to deal with her, for my own sanity and to help her lead a happy healthy life.

Suelin50 - posted on 01/10/2017

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Child is extremely unkind, they actually cause their parents to act horrible. I know my daughter did cause me to become extremely frustrated. I wasn't mean to her but her behavior was appalling. One time when she was a teen I came home early and she had the child tied to a chair. My daughter was never treated this way! Yet she was mean anyway. The most kinder I was the meaner she got! She would bite, hit, say horrible things, kick people in wheel chairs, pinch me, pull my hair and just act like a Tasmanian devil. When she got an earache instead of whimpering or crying like most children she would bite the h--- out of me! I tell you some kids are just mean!

Suelin50 - posted on 01/10/2017

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Maddie

You didn't cause your daughter to be there this way! Trust me she was born this way! Sometimes when a chil

Maddie - posted on 01/09/2017

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Hi Suzie.

I understand about your daughter getting worse the more you reach out. It got to the point with my daughter where I just stopped calling her because whenever I did, she'd tell my kids or ex: "Tell her I'll call her back" but never did," which is passive aggressive behavior. I felt like I needed to step back and let her come to me.

Granted, I was giving her unsolicited advice in an obsessive manner and she got tired of it. But still, I felt that, as her mother, she should have responded to my calls anyway, the way I would have done toward my mother, even when I didn't like her giving me unsolicited advice.

In any case, although my relationship with my daughter has always been tumultuous, and, as I mentioned before, I did some truly horrendous things to her when she was younger, as I've gotten better, I wanted her to do so as well. Even as much as she frustrated me and made me angry, I never stopped praying (I pray by chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo--Buddhist) that she'd become a happy person.

When I came across the description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I recognized my daughter. Of late, she's been saying she's "detached" and only interested in what benefits her, as if there is nothing wrong with being this kind of person, as if she's had some type of philosophical awakening that was unique to her and a few special people who had the same understanding she had. She said "Mom, I know you always said I only think about myself and now I see you were right. That's who I am." And she was cool and aloof when she said this.

So when I read about introverted or covert narcissists, I feared that my daughter was doomed to lead a miserable life because, according to psychologists, narcissists hide their deep insecurity complex and fear of being vulnerable under a shield of superiority and arrogance. So, I realized my daughter was fundamentally this miserable person and, as she got older, she would just become more and more miserable and unable to form real human connections and have no real friends because no one but her family would tolerate her attitude and behavior.

At first I felt guilty because my abusive behavior during her formative years helped her become who she is. Now my daughter wasn't an easy to get along with person as a kid but it's also true that I did damaging things to her.

Finally, through prayer, I released the guilt, realizing it was pointless because I can't do anything about the past. Instead I adopted this attitude: "Since I contributed to my daughter becoming a narcissist, I can help her overcome it."

So, reading about NPD, I came up with a plan while she is visiting her boyfriend out of state. I'm a writer and my daughter is a very good writer too. I didn't think she'd respond with openness to me saying she was a narcissist. So I messaged her last week and said I had a writing assignment that I couldn't complete and I'd pay her $100 to do it for me, which was the full fee I would be paid. I told her it was due this week.

I had no assignment. I said it paid $100 because I needed the amount to be so much, she would take the job. I told her the assignment was to write about NPD. I sent here references to use in it--all the stuff I'd been reading.

A few days ago, I called her and she hadn't started the assignment. She sounded smug and aloof as is her new personae, like she was better than me. It can be very unsettling to have a person behave this way. I didn't like talking to her.

But, at the same time, she's my daughter. I prayed to soften my heart toward her, to feel real compassion for her and to realize she's suffering and that's why she acts like she does. I've been praying this way for years, even at times when I couldn't stand her. I was of two minds and didn't want to be. I wanted to simply be concerned for her welfare and not see her as a bad person, just a sick one.

Reading "Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad--And Surprisingly Good--About Feeling Special" has been totally eye-opening. It helped me see that narcissism is something we all need in healthy doses and that too much or too little is unhealthy. It helped me see my own narcissistic tendencies and how they affected how I treated my daughter and other people.

Anyway, today, my daughter called me. She'd completed the first draft of the article. Suzie, I swear, she sounded like a whole different person than the one I talked to a couple of days ago. She sounded like a genuinely caring person. She asked me questions about how to complete the writing assignment. I told her that by reading the material, I could see my own narcissistic tendencies. When we talked over each other, she said "You go ahead, Mom. What were you saying?" And she didn't say it like she was faking being considerate as she has in the past. She sounded like she meant it. I feel like I've broken through.

I don't expect she'll be able to overcome her addiction to feeling special 100% just like that. But I feel like she's made a major breakthrough because she's read professional material that says her new philosophy and the way she's related to people for most of her life is unhealthy. I feel like there's light peeking through for my daughter's future, where before it seemed she would just get more and more miserable and unbearable to be around.

Plus, I really meant what I said about seeing how I needed to change. I feel like as she sees me become a better and healthier person, she'll see that she can do. Like I said before, this is the Buddhist view: When we change, the people around us change too. Or they leave, if that's what's best for our lives.

This was very long. But I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Suelin50 - posted on 01/09/2017

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Maddie
My daughter is 29 yrs old. The more I try to show concern and"help" the worse she acts. She lives 4 hrs away with her husband. They have been out this way. I quit going to their place for the past couple of years because she doesn't want me to eat their food or use their washer and dryer while I'm there, even though they are very well off.

Maddie - posted on 01/08/2017

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I understand about your daughter. How old is she?

I just realized my daughter has symptoms of NPD. She's visiting out of town now. I'm reading Dr. Malkin's book to try to understand how to deal with her. She lives with her dad and my other kids, 17 and 19. I moved out and divorced. It's been two years since I left. I live four minutes away.

My daughter has always been "the problem kid" of our family, just like I was in my family. I know that part of the reason I have such difficulty with her is that she reminds me of me.

But this NPD is way out there. She just recently started acting very aloof. She says she doesn't care about anyone but herself and she's okay with that. She's "detached." She says this like she's living on a higher plane than everyone else. Like it makes her superior to others. From what I've been reading, she's a covert narcissist. I am very concerned for her.

At the same time, I don't like being around her. Neither does my son. Off and on, she gets on everyone's nerves in our family because she doesn't care how she treats people. To be honest, one of the reasons I left, among many others, was because my ex allowed her to run the show at home as if she was parent #3.

I'm reading Dr. Malkin's book to get help in how to love her unconditionally, not have her get on my nerves, set boundaries with compassion and, ultimately, help her help herself. She's still young and if NPD is really the "addiction to feeling special" like Malkin says, she's a young addict. Young addicts can overcome their addiction faster than someone who's been addicted for decades. This is my hope for my daughter. I overcame bulimia at 22 when I hadn't been able to stop it for three years straight. Every day I vomited. I was addicted to the behavior. Like I did, I hope she can overcome her narcissistic addiction.

At the same time, I'm recognizing my own narcissistic traits. I'm much less so than I have been and I never felt as uncaring as my daughter does now. But I definitely have been narcissistic at times.

Again, how old is your daughter?

Suelin50 - posted on 01/08/2017

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Maddie
Wow! That's quite a testimony! I believe in some of the Buddhist philosophy also. I have also suffered with depression and diagnosed with bi polar 2. I was on Rx meds, but no street drugs. But am off everything now. Just found out about Dr.Amen recently also. I'm taking alot of his supplements. Mostly I'm OK, but seeing my daughter over the Holidays and having her act angry and bullying sent me into a depression again. She brought up everything in the past the she didn't like. It made me sad that she is such a grudge holder. I have done so much for her, encouraged her, showed her affection, spent time with her taking her places, helping her with her homework, giving her my time, attention and great advice. Yet she brings up some incident from the age of 3 yrs old where I grabbed her arm. The kid was so spoiled she was out of control. I didn't even hurt her, she had just been so pampered it shocked to get in trouble, so that's what she remembers. And yes you are right I'm an echo.

Maddie - posted on 01/08/2017

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Hi, Suzie.

If I understand the very little I've been learning about NPD, I think Dr. Malkin would describe you as an "Echo," the opposite of a narcissist. You've probably heard of this already.

"Yes, we need to forgive our flawed parents, I agree, but that doesn't mean we have to go back into the Lions Den. At 57 yrs old I choose to stay away."

I can totally understand that. I believe in respect for all--including one's self. So, most definitely we can't allow ourselves to be abused, under no circumstances. But, at the same time, we can have compassion for those who would abuse us, even if we have to keep them at a distance to protect ourselves. To me, this is what the Golden Rule is about: Treating yourself and everyone else with respect. It's not okay to just respect others. You have to respect yourself to. The two go hand in hand, like two sides of the same coin; you can't have one without the other. This is the Buddhist view--all life is essentially one entity, not separate..

I recently read new research that says people who are genetically predisposed to have clinical or unipolar depression can develop bipolar disorder as a result of taking drugs, including prescriptions. I think this is what happened to me.

I started getting depressed before I was a preteen. Then, at 22, I took street drugs and attempted to overdose on antidepressants simultaneously. That's when I had my first manic episode. I think the drugs altered my brain permanently and I went from only having unipolar depression to having depression plus periodic bouts of hypomania--the type of high mood and energy levels associated with bipolar 2--even though I didn't know that was happening. Depression was always my worst and symptom and prevented me from having a high quality of life. I didn't recognize that I got hypomanic until I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in 2010.

I have the symptoms of classic bipolar 2 disorder. But, in 2013, I visited Dr. Daniel Amen's clinic in D.C. The head psychiatrist there, Joseph Annibali, gave me a treatment plan that has given me the quality of life I've always wanted. Because I am no longer a slave to depression, I am living the happiest life I've lived since early childhood and my future looks bright.

Suelin50 - posted on 01/08/2017

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Maddie

I had previously been diagnosed as bi polar. Then I found out I had thyroid problems which can cause symptoms of bi polar. Next I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I can believe that one. I am also one of the 15 percent of the population that is considered "highly sensitive" an empath who takes on others emotions. So, I was unusual to begin with. Yes, we need to forgive our flawed parents, I agree, but that doesn't mean we have to go back into the Lions Den. At 57 yrs old I choose to stay away.

Maddie - posted on 01/08/2017

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Thanks, Suzie.

I've come to see we all do the best with what we have. My parents were, by anyone's measurement, good people. But they over-indulged me with material things and starved me when it came to showing affection and emotional support, which are what I craved. Not only that, but, like you, I struggled with depression and later with bulimia, substance abuse and bipolar disorder, which I didn't even know I had until I was 49. I'm 55 now.

As an adult, I forgave my parents for the flaws of their parenting (including my mom who, having been teased for being fat when she was a child, first suggested that I engage in bulimic behaviors to lose weight) because I realized they could do no more as a parents than what they knew how to do.

I hope that, sooner, rather than later, my daughter comes to the same conclusion about me. I think that appreciation for one's parents--if for no other reason than for the fact that they brought us into the world--is fundamental to be a truly happy person. Appreciating our parents is a way of loving ourselves because without them we wouldn't exist. Like any parent wants deep inside, I truly want to see my daughter be absolutely happy.

Suelin50 - posted on 01/08/2017

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Maddie
At least you can assess yourself honestly. My feeling is that you were not that bad a parent. The truly toxic parents are the ones who accept no responsibility, think they were great parents, no matter what anyone says, and will scapegoat and abuse their children if anyone questions their parenting(toxic parents, by Susan Forward). They have no hesitation in throwing their child under the bus; including accusing them of being crazy for telling the truth (your not crazy it's your Mother, by Danu Morrigon) These types of parents deliberately try to destroy their children's spirit rather than to face their own inadequacy ( People of the lie; the hope for healing human evil by Scott Peck) Yes I made mistakes as a parent too for I suffered from depression and anxiety from having a Mother who is a malignant narcissist a.ka. a person of the "lie" diagnosed by a top Psychiatrist in town.
My daughter is not that extreme however having an evil Grandmother did affect us both.

Maddie - posted on 01/08/2017

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My 21 year-old daughter fits the profile of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder too. But I've had to recognize the role I played in her becoming that way. NPD, like most behavioral health conditions is thought to be a product of genetics and environment. I definitely can see how my sometimes abusive behavior as an undiagnosed bipolar mother contributed to how my daughter is today.

I no longer feel guilty about how I parented my daughter, which is how I used to feel. After all, I too was a product of my upbringing and genetics so it's not like I wounded my child on purpose. I simply didn't know how to be a better parent to her.

But I do feel responsible for helping her become a healthy and happy adult now. I can't control what she does, obviously. But by conducting my life in a healthy manner, I can show her that her mother is not the same kind of person I was when she was a child and hopefully inspire her to see that, if I can change, so can she.

Of course, none of this means I will allow my daughter to behave toward me in maladaptive ways. After all, I have to respect myself and allowing her to treat me disrespectfully goes against that aim. But it does mean I can interact with her from a state of compassion--even when I have to set boundaries--rather than seeing her as a "problem" in my life.

Also, for the record, I wasn't a totally "bad" mother. I did a lot for my child and her siblings. But I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit that some of my behavior was profoundly damaging to my child. Healing can only come from being unflinchingly honest with oneself. This is what I hope to teach my daughter by example.

"Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists" by Dr. Craig Malkin, his unofficial Narcissism spectrum test, and his YouTube pod casts are very helpful. Here's the link to his test: http://www.drcraigmalkin.com/the-narciss...

Suelin50 - posted on 01/06/2017

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Victoria
She sounds very similar to my daughter. I have run out of excuses for her spoiled,cold,cruel behavior. I finally sent her a text message and explained why I felt she mistreats me and that if she can't have more respect then I can't be around her. She just blamed it all on me ,once again, and told me I should tell her at the time and not later. Therefore it's my fault. I took responsibility for letting to many things go, now having to finally put my foot down. She just quit talking to me. She is so angry that I finally set limits on her using and abusing me.

Diane - posted on 12/26/2016

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That is so typical and sounds exactly like mine -- ignores me at family dinners and makes big with the nieces and nephews, has her nose and chin in the air and then leaves.

Vldenton1 - posted on 12/26/2016

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My daughter came for Christmas Lunch. She was so fake cheesy. Her brothers noticed it in a second. She spent the whole time watching the clock. She never engaged in conversation with me. For most of the day, 4 hours, she sat with her nephew and nieces being the special aunt (mind you she never spends time with them normally). She spent lots of money on the little ones. When she left I walked her and her Canadian partner out to their car, told them to enjoy their New Year, but got nothing back, they were off to be with their friends. She once said in one of her rages that her friends were her family. She is very cheesy with them most of the time too. When they left the pressure in the house went and the other 14 people then relaxed. It is so heart breaking. She told one of her brothers that she had a shit childhood with me.

Diane - posted on 12/25/2016

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The holiday season is especially hard when you have a child who is a narcissist. I sent presents to my daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren, but have heard nothing back -- but I did receive thank you texts from the grandkids. Christmas Eve was heartbreakingly quiet. My heart goes out to all of you.

Vldenton1 - posted on 12/16/2016

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Patricia you are describing my 34 year old daughter. I try to move forward till the next time "I have caused her grief". The twisted lies, never forgotten moments you let her down. And I know she has always been like it. Doing her homework, being yelled at for not picking her up in the rain when you are driving blocks looking for her to do that. She has always been the street angel and home devil. Now once again I am in trouble and being blamed for her awful life before she left home. I am glad I found others in the same situation as I am now just so very sad and flat. Right on Christmas! I hope someone out there understands me.

Debbie - posted on 11/26/2016

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Oh dear. That's a terrible story. She's definitely blaming you for everything.
I just wonder... Did you spoil her? Maybe financially, because my cousin and I have daughters who are younger than yours by a long way, but who are doing very similar things.
My daughter is 28 and tells everyone how awful I am and that I don't care about or want to see her, but she will only see me when my mother comes to stay.
She doesn't answer her phone to me and reads my Whattsapp but diesnt reply.
I've come to the conclusion that's there's nothing more I can do but to carry on with my life and keep texting into the black hole x

Sadmom - posted on 11/06/2016

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Mel, I see many similarities of my situation to yours, and many of the mothers here. While my 27 year old daughter has not been diagnosed with NPD, I believe it is the case. She is very beautiful and can be so charming when she wants something but her flip side is scary. She is so hurtful and abusive to me and it taken me ten years to realize something is wrong. Initially I thought she was a rebellious teen but her anger has grown exponentially and she will say or do anything to hurt me. From telling me I am a terrible mother, which I know isn't true, not that I'm perfect, who is, but I know that's not true. I was devoted to her she was the sweetest little girl. It breaks my heart and she knows it. She tells me I should never have had children because I'm too selfish. Being a mom was the most important job I have ever had and I took it very seriously. I have tried so many times to apologize just to have peace with her but it doesn't work or not for long. She is full of rage and wants to take it out on me at every opportunity. This next part may anger many and change what you think of this situation but I believe it is just another way she found to hurt me. Last year she sent me a facebook message telling me her father used to touch her inappropriately and knows I knew because I asked her so many times growing up if anyone had ever. Thats what a mom is supposed to ask. She went so far as to say I invited her to our bed when she was in elementary school and then left as if I was pimping her which made me not believe anything she said when I may have otherwise entertained it. Of course I never "knew" and I don't believe it and she has broken her fathers heart too. This year she tells me I am dead to her and over the summer she got married without inviting me or anyone in her entire family, only her rich boyfriends family. Next will come the grandchildren I will never know. More heartache. I am so broken now and know I need to let her go or she will destroy me.

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