Need help with 9 yr old daughter accepting my boyfriend

Ann - posted on 10/07/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )




I am in a fairly new relationship. My 9 year old daughter is with me part of the time and is making things difficult. My boyfriend does not have children of his own, but he tries to involve my daughter in age appropriate conversations, thinks of things we can all do together that she will enjoy, and is not overly affectionate with me when she is with us. She often will not respond to him and sometimes is downright rude. She mentioned to me that when we were in the bookstore yesterday she didn't like him because he didn't buy her anything. I think she's confused about that because her dad lavishes her with gifts in exchange for spending time with her. I told her there is no reason my BF should buy her anything, especially because of the way she treats him. She tends to want to cling to me, holds my hand, and will try to push him away if he gets too close to me. She is okay with the fact that her dad has a girlfriend. I've tried to explain her that my BF is not going to take me away from her and that I still love her more than anyone. My BF is not trying to replace her dad and is not trying to parent her. I spend plenty of time with her alone, so there is no lack of attention. It scares me that she may threaten my relationship with my BF.


Greta - posted on 10/09/2012




How long is your daughter with you? If she is only with you part of the time, just don't see your boyfriend during that time.

When I was newly divorced I heard a radio show that gave some sound advice in regards to single parents dating. The advice is basically this.....Until the relationship becomes serious, and you know that this man will be a permanent part of your life..aka husband, then that is time to bring him into the inner circle with your daughter. The wisdom in this idea is this: you may have several relationships before you marry again. It is easier for us adults to deal with beak-ups, then it is for our children to become attached to another adult then be told they can't see them because of a break up.

Your daughter may act like she is ok with her dad's gf. Think about it, what choice did she really have in the matter. I'm not excusing your daughter's behavior, but your first priority should be her, and helping her to feel secure. When the relationship with your BF becomes serious, it looks like it will be a permanent relationship, then slowly bring him into the inner circle with your daughter. Maybe by then she will be more ready.

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