step family

Nychole - posted on 12/11/2008 ( 5 moms have responded )

14

5

3

Lets see I'm gunna be 25 next month and i have a almost 11 year old step daughter, a almost 6 year old son and a 2 year old daughter and I've been married to my husband for almost 7 years. And my step daughter's mother is a total loser which is why she lives with us, but her mother got out of jail again in may and she wants visitations with my step daughter and i'm so nervous about her going with her mother b/c her mother is into drugs bad and steals and what ever else. My step daughter is a wonderful young lady, she has straight A's in school, plays flute, cheerleads, is on student counsil, and she wanted to be in corus and dance but i said it would be too much, but anyways how should i handle the situation with her mother?

5 Comments

View replies by

Jennifer - posted on 12/13/2008

23

7

3

Its really up to her dad (your husband) I think.. If she's into drugs, there's no way I'd let my kid go there. I don't care who you are, drugs and children are beyond wrong, and if its a court thing, I think it's worth re evaluating custody, she should have no rights.

Julie - posted on 12/12/2008

1

35

0

NYCHOLE,
I UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO RAISE A STEP CHILD. I WAS25 WHEN MY HUSBAND ANDI MARRIED AND HIS TWO CHILDREN FROM HIS FIRST MARRIAGE WERE 7 AND 8. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED ALMOST 10 YEARS AND I LOVE BRANDON,NOW 18 AND ANDREA ,NOW 17, JUST AS MUCH AS I LOVE ROBERT, OUR CHILD TOGETHER WHO IS 8. BRANDON AND ANDREA'S BM IS NOT ON DRUGS OR ABUSIVE OR BEEN IN JAIL, BUT SHE HAS MADE MANY OTHER BAD CHOICES IN HER LIVE AND THEY HAVE EACH EFFECT THE KIDS IN SOME WAY. I LEARNED FROM THE START NOT TO SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HER IN FRONT OF THEM AND TO ALWAYS SAYTHE SHE COULD SEE THE KIDS BUT SHE HADTO GIVE US NOTICE. THE KIDS HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN THIS AND KNOW THAT SHE COULD SEE THEM BUT CHOOSE NOT TO SEE THEM BUT EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. THERE WAS ONE TIME WE TOLD HER SHE COULD NOT SEE THEM AND IT WAS BECAUSE WE HEARD THAT SHE HAD DONE SOME DRUGS AT HER HOME. SHE PROVED SHE HADN'T BY DOING A DRUG TEST. THE THING IS SHE MAKES BAD CHOICES WITH MEN, ANDTHE KIDS HATE GOING BECAUSE OF THAT. I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD THEM THAT THEY DID NOT HAVE TO GO IF THEY DIDN'T WANT TO AND THAT IF THEY NEEDED ME TO COME GET THEM I WOULD IF THEY WANTED TO COME HOME. THEY ARE NOW 18 AND 17 AND DRIVE THEMSELVES AND MAKE THEIR CHOICE IF THEY WANT TO STAY OR NOT. I HAVE SEEN THEM BE DISRESPECTFUL TO HER AND HAVE ALWAYS CORRECTED THEM FOR THAT. THEY LOVE BECAUSE THAT IS THEIR MOTHER BUT THEY DON'T RESPECT HER MOST OF THE TIME. YOUR DAUGHTER WILL LOVE HER BM BUT MAY NOT RESPECT HER. SHE ALSO KNOWS YOU HAVE BEEN THE ONE WHO IS THERE AND SHE WILL COME TO YOU WITH HER PROBLEMS. AS FAR AS THE BM SAYING SHE IS GOING TO TAKE YOU TO COURT AND GET VISITATION OR THAT SHE WANTS CUSTODY OF HER MAY JUST BE TALK. TO BEGIN I WOULD NOT LET HER STAY THE NIGHT WITH THE BOYFRIEND THERE. SHE IS A 11 YEAR OLD GIRL AND WE HAVE TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN FIRST. SUGGEST TO START WITH GOING SOME PLACE PUBLIC LIKE THE PARK OR STAKING RINK OR SOMETHING AND YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND STAY OFF TO THE BACK GROUND AND WATCH HOW THINGS GO. I HOPE THINGS WORK OUT FOR YOU. I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AS YOU GO THROUGH THIS. I HOPE MY RAMBLING HELPS.
JULIE

Nychole - posted on 12/12/2008

14

5

3

Krystyl, my daughter wants to see her mom, but doesn't like her boyfriend. And we have been completly honest with her and told her when she has been in jail ( which has beenevery other year for the past 8 years for stealing, drugs, non payment of child support) Every time BM goes to jail she calls me and crys and says she wants to change so she can get her daughter back so i talk to her and am nice to her, then she get s out of jail and goes right back into drugs, stealing and she tries to get my step daughter back from us. And my daughter knows she is safe here. We give her everything she need and then some. BM has never paid us chid support and she feels she could give her a better life with her. It makes me so mad bc i've been her mom, bm hasn't seen her in almost 2 years and now she wants custody back. I would like supervised visitations but BM would not agree to it. SO she says she is gunna take us back to court so we will tell the judge we want supervised vists. we'll see

Becky - posted on 12/12/2008

159

69

10

I'm actually in a custody battle with my daughters' father right now. No drug abuse, but significant physical abuse/stalking/death threats against myself and my girls. Both of my daughters are excellent students, skilled athletes, and have beautiful spirits and are very involved in our church & the childrens' program there. Their father is a frightening man, and I fear for my girls every time they're with him (even though the visits are supervised). I, however, remind the girls that their dad loves them - no matter how I feel about it. They need that. I also try to make sure they know I want them to have a relationship with him. Here's my best possible advice:

Tell your daughter that her mother loves her!!! That's so important to help calm her nerves, and unless her mother's told her otherwise, you must, for your child's sake, assume that and make sure your daughter knows it, too. (I've been there - my oldest came to live with me when she was 3 and I adopted her when she was 4. She knew her birthmother, and knew that she was involved in unhealthy lifestyles. She did not know that her birthmother had been incarcerated, but she did know that she was not able to adequately parent. I tell her all the time how much her birthmom loves her, show her pictures, talk about that side of her family regularly, and make any conversation or question about her birthmom acceptable.) You will likely find that her mom loves her very much, but is choosing another lifestyle that is unhealthy for a child. While you SHOULD be concerned and do everything to protect your daughter, remember this: Her mother probably knows she's in very capable hands with you. She probably recognizes that you love her daughter as if she were your own. She likely doesn't ever fear that her daughter isn't being well cared for. If she didn't love her, she wouldn't think twice about leaving her permanently in your capable, loving care and moving on with her life.

Having said that, I know what it's like to fear for your child's safety. Take whatever precautions you (and her father) believe are necessary. Talk with your daughter. Let her know that you believe her mom loves her, and you only want her to be safe. Try to petition for supervised visitation (which may not be difficult, since her mother's been incarcerated & on drugs). Make it clear to your daughter and to the court that you want her to have a relationship with her mom, but you & her father simply need to establish grounds upon which you are SURE of her safety. Never talk badly about your daughter's mom anywhere near your children (yes, all of them). Be honest, but remember that she's your child's MOTHER. No matter how bad she's been, if she chooses to, she can change. My 10-yr-old's mother is now a wonderful person and I send her & her family pictures, updates, and even have conversations with them.

If your child's mom gets her head screwed on straight, she's going to bitterly regret how she acted as a mother. She will mentally beat herself down for being that kind of parent, and will be sorrier for such behavior than you or I could imagine. She will need to know that you've graciously picked up her slack and reminded her daughter that, although her priorities were SEVERELY out-of-whack, she still loves her so much.

Protect your daughter with every possible means, but, if possible - AND THROUGH THE COURTS - find a safe way that Mom can get to know your/her daughter. That might be just what she needs to help her straighten her life out...and wouldn't that be wonderful for your daughter - 2 healthy, nurturing moms! How lucky!

Krystyl - posted on 12/12/2008

104

28

27

Does you're stepdaughter want to see her mom alone?
if not, legally, do you have to give her visitation... maybe only supervised visits?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms