Anyone w/ older kids that have a 'dad', but the baby doesn't??

[deleted account] ( 8 moms have responded )

I have twin girls that are 7 and my son is just under 11 months. My husband left us when I was 7 months pregnant w/ him. The girls had a real dad for 6 years. They know what it's like. They know what they're missing. He really was a great daddy. It's a long story, but he pretty much isn't in the picture at all anymore. Barely calls. Has visited once in 9 months, etc... He just really, really changed.



I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else was in a similar situation and had some years go by already. We have lots of home videos of my husband playing w/ my girls and I'm concerned about the impact that and other things will have on my son as he gets older. Don't get me wrong, I have a whole other host of fears for my girls as well. I'm just concerned that the timing of my husband's departure may impact my son in ways that I want to protect him from.

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Lynn - posted on 04/05/2009

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Hi! Im 5months pregnant with 3 other kids,i hav a son that will soon b 9,a daughter that will soon b 6 and a 4yr old my kids hav the same dad and hes around,but the baby's dad isnt around & probably never will b,i know that my kids dad wont really treat the baby different 2 his own, i know its goin 2 b hard but i basically done it all myself anyway without any help from my kids dad when it came 2 lookin after them 24/7 and buying what they needed,but this is my last as im gettin sterilised...which is good...im single and probably always will b.So i wouldnt worry urself 2 much...its the woman that hav 2 put up with it,most men dont care ...its just somethin that woman hav 2 put up with...my kids dad will b around 4 baby 2 b called daddy.The dad 2 baby said he wanted 2 b around & that he just needed time but he got in contact with me recently sayin that he didnt want me 2 contact him again bcos hes with some1 now but when baby is old enough i will tell the baby the truth.All woman that goes through stuff like this with being single and bringing up kids on there own jus need 2 b strong,need all the luck that comes there way & try and do the best they can really..Good luck!

Emily - posted on 04/05/2009

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my ex left me 2 weeks before my lil boy was due. My son has a half brother, and my ex is quite.. not nearly somuch anymore.. but still abit.. involved in his life.. but wants nothing to do with my son. Mylittle boy knows his half brother and also his daddies sisters, etc. so im abit stressed as to what to tell him if he asks about his dad, and how hes going to get on.. hes only 3months atm..so the first thing is potty training!!!

[deleted account]

Oh yes, I know.  They are much better off w/out him right now than if he were to be on again/off again and the other things he's been doing.  I believe what prompted his call was possibly a twinge of guilt, but it obviously didn't last.  He had wanted me to let him claim one of the girls on his tax return so that he would get a refund instead of owing!  Um yeah, I don't think so.  You don't support them, you don't get credit for them.  I told him as much and then sent him a letter basically saying that he needed to make a choice to put them first or stay away altogether cuz he's not being what they need at ALL.  I think that is what prompted his call to me, but like I said, we haven't heard from him since.



I know I personally am better off w/out him now, but it still sucks.  One of the many reasons I married him in the first place is because of the type of daddy I thought he would be and he WAS.  Unfortunately he let the ways of the world pull him under and he changed so much that I don't know him at all anymore.  No way would I trust the man he has become to be alone w/ my children.

Jamie - posted on 03/24/2009

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Well I did the same and now he wants us back but I have come to the realization we are better off without him. I completely understand you wanting the kids to have a father in thier life and they deserve a father. But if he is putting his needs ahead of thiers he isn't being a father. I have been through years of back and forth behavior. If you need someone to talk to I am definitely here.

[deleted account]

Quoting Jamie:

I can relate to the situation. I have been married for 7 years. My husband has a sexual addiction. I left with my 7 yr old and 6 month old who is now 1 yr old. He just made contact after 6 months of no contact. Your husband may come around and may not. I think I heard from my husband because he was deploying. His other "friends" are partners not people he can confide in. My children should have a relationship with thier father and I can see you want that for your children too. You are fully capable of raising your children with him in or out of thier lives. My oldest daughter went through some problems with her father and is just now forgiving him but doesn't want to live with him. I wrote more about me than advise but I thought maybe you could take something from it.



Thank you for sharing.  I pray every day that my husband will realize what he has thrown away by leaving his kids.  He actually called me (left a message) about 4 weeks ago saying that he does want to be involved in his kids lives.  That he does love them and doesn't blame me for trying to protect them.  He also said that I am a good mother.  Nicest things he's said to me in a year.  Unfortunately his words mean nothing and his actions are showing that he still isn't choosing them since we haven't heard from him......

Jamie - posted on 03/24/2009

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I can relate to the situation. I have been married for 7 years. My husband has a sexual addiction. I left with my 7 yr old and 6 month old who is now 1 yr old. He just made contact after 6 months of no contact. Your husband may come around and may not. I think I heard from my husband because he was deploying. His other "friends" are partners not people he can confide in. My children should have a relationship with thier father and I can see you want that for your children too. You are fully capable of raising your children with him in or out of thier lives. My oldest daughter went through some problems with her father and is just now forgiving him but doesn't want to live with him. I wrote more about me than advise but I thought maybe you could take something from it.

Amy - posted on 03/12/2009

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Teresa,



 



I am in a similar situation, where my 7yr and 5yr girls have a dad that is somewhat active in their life, but my 3yr old doesn't. The questions about her daddy started around age 2 and still haven't stopped. I'm grateful that my exhusband and his mother have accepted her, and treat her just like the other two, but she knows that he isn't her daddy, because she calls him by name. It's a tough situation, but thankfully for us, kids are strong and resilient, and thanks to the great diversity of our times, it's easier for kids to understand the different types of families, because they see the differences all around them. 



In some ways, your son will be better off than your girls, because he won't "miss" having a dad, at worst, he'll only wonder what it was like. I wouldn't worry too much about the long term effects because he will grow up knowing every step of the way that you love him enough for a mommy and a daddy.



~Amy

Lisa - posted on 02/22/2009

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Hi there Teresa, i wouldn't worry too much.I've been a single mum for well over 8 yrs.I have a 10yr,8yr & a 4yr old.My elder boys dad is around for them, so I've been lucky.But when i told my 4yr olds dad i was pregnant he took off & never been a part of my sons life.My son doesn't feel like he's missed out,yes i went through the stage when he asked about his dad but i dealt with it my own way.

Funny enough his dad rang me not so long ago to see if he could start seeing him.Although I've turned up & his dad didn't my son wasn't phased by it.

After all I'm the one who loves & cares for him,& yes the children do get to an age when they let you know it wasn't your fault & they love you that so much more for giving them the life they have.

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