Issues with the Father.

Kirsten - posted on 01/16/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Okay though me and the farther broke up near the end of the novemeber, I am beyond over him. But there have been many complications that happened afterwards, and now I must deal with him. To put in short for though so you guys get what happened, is this, Broke up, found out he cheated,he started dating my best friend, got assulted by him, find out he lied about who he slept with who was supposedly my best friend, and his court date never happened. Now he since he left me I have complete custody currently, and he wants to see her two days of the week, which is okay, cause they can be at my house and I don't need to actually be around. But I can't talk too him or trust him yet, and he's demanding weekends. My problem with this is, I don't like the people currently in his life being around my daughter, they are all do drugs fairly regulary as well as drink. Then there is the fact he's tried to run away with her before we even broke up, and I know he's taken care of her under the influence of drugs before. Really though I just don't know what to do or say, and was wondering if anyone else had a problem like this?

9 Comments

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User - posted on 05/06/2009

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Um I dont think he should be left alone with her at all and shouldn't get weekends. If hes involved in drugs and drinking the court wont let him take her.
My daughter is almost 8months old and her dad hasnt seen her or been involved in her life since she was 6 weeks old and I took him to mediation and I have sole legal and im her primary caretaker. He wanted visitation 2days a week and he hasnt even bothered to see her yet and it was almost 2 weeks ago. He had to go home and "think" about it, which means he had to consult his new wife. Thats the just of it. If he wants to be in her life he needs to clean up his act and prove it. The court can assign someone to monitor the visits to see how things are going or you or a family member can,
I hope some of that helps.

[deleted account]

You have to ask yourself, so you really not trust him with your child, or are you just pissed at him. Some people HATE each other but still have shared custody. But sounds to me that the people he's hanging out with are trouble. If he is even thinking about weekends, there's a lot he has to go through first. He will have to court for shared custody first of all because you have complete custody, and when that (if that ever happens, some men will rather not bother if they have to do any type of work, which is good for you) happens, you can tell the court that you fear your for your childs saftey. DO NOT settle for him caring for your child with people who are doing drugs and drinking!!! There is just no way you have to let that happen! You're not alone! I know it's the scariest thing in the world to think of having to let your child be in any type of danger. If he does get visits, they can be supervized by professionals who care about your childs well being.

Jo - posted on 02/17/2009

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Hi Kirsten, i Know you posted this message a while ago but thought I'd get in touch anyway. I left my babys dad late last year due to violence, drinking and drugs and have had terrible problems with him and with him having access. Don't forget that you are doing the right thing and what is best for your baby also you don't have to rush into any decision. My baby's dad hasn't seen her yet this year because I don't feel he is mentaly stable enough and Im trying to protect her. I have gone to a solicitor and she suggested contact in a contact centre, you don't have to pay and I've been told they are very safe. We haven't started going yet but will let you know what it's like. Your not alone in this and from reading through some of the ags on here there are lots of mummy's with very sound advice who have been through similar things. Good luck and I'll let you know how the centre goes



Jo

Pam - posted on 01/31/2009

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Well first of all congratulations on all you have done so far remember you are always doing whats right for your child. The person who depends on you when she gets hurt, depends on you when she is hungary and thirsty and depends on you to just be her mommy and someone she can always turn to when she needs you. WELL DONE KIRSTEN. As for this father business. well my philosophy is that if i am going to lie down with someone and make a baby then its their responsibility also and they will play apart in that childs life. However like you this has not always worked, thus bringing difficulties for you and him as the parents and most of all hurt to the child. You mentioned that you have full custody of your daughter thats awesome. Well i think with this one you need to go back to your lawyer and reccomend that he have supervised visits with your daughter and has regular drug testing so that you are confident that she is going to be safe with him while in his care. This can be just a temporary solution untill he shows that he is a responsible father and is drug free. Our children are so precious to us that we will do anything to protect them. Therefore i know you will do what is right. There are to many of our children being caught up in these situations and sometimes resulting in them being psychologically screwed up of even hurt or tragically killed. Dont worry about what he thinks just do what is right. Take care and let me know what happens.your doing a great job and your dughter will thank you for it one day mione has.

[deleted account]

Hi Kirsten,
I know exactly what you are going through, I broke up with ex in Oct 2007, basically our relationship ended when I came home from work and found drugs in reach of our youngest who was 18months at the time. I finally realised "hey, I can't even protect my children anymore". We have since been through mediation to try and sort something out for the kids sake, but our arrangement didn't work out for numerous reasons, mainly because he is still using drugs. He also tried to take off with my daughter also which petrified her, he has assaulted me, raped me and threatened to kill me in front of the children. I have since taken out an apprehended violence order so that he cannot come anywhere near us, initially he tried to fight it but eventually they give up.

I do not want my children around that kind of behaviour and believe I am doing whats in their best interest. When they are old enough I will explain it to them but right now they are so much happier now they are no longer victims to their fathers drug abuse.

I just wanted to share my story and let you know whatever you decide may not be easy but there is always a light at the end of tunnel. I wish you all the best.

Hannah - posted on 01/19/2009

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whatever you decide to do just remember you are strong. you've got this far by yourself and your being strong for you and you little one. I feel like coming over giving you a hug and just telling you to keep on being strong. best wishes. from Hannah.

Kirsten - posted on 01/19/2009

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Thank you Hannah, I was thinking that already, simply because it is so harsh and fresh still. Though it's good to know I was at least thinking in the right direction.

Chivell, the story is simalir to mine, very simalir.  Cause even before the whole assult charges and he couldn't come near, he wasn't coming over or taking her when I needed him. It's harsh going through the whole thing, and like wise am sorry you had to go through it, it's not pleasent and can make you feel so bad at times.

Chivell - posted on 01/19/2009

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HI, yeh i have issues sometimes with my x we broke up 2weeks before i had bub. Not quit the same situation but i tell ya if you dont mind.



Broke up he comes and see bub maybe once a fortnight if im lucky, still have feeling for him but ended basically because i couldnt live with him all he did was drink, drink drive, smoke (only cigarette's tho), spend all his time with his mates. i would rarely see him and when i did all we did was argue.. so i ended it and ever since then when i see him he kewl to my face but as soon as i leave he has to argue over text. But then fine again when we next see each other and so on. we finally got to the point where he started lying to me, so i gave up on him until i heard the truth from one of his mates, me being me asked and annoyed him until he told me.. had a new girlfriend di dnt care about the fact he'd tried to move on but the fact she was put first over his son.. Got to the point i went crazy had a massive arguement and now were speakin civilily again. this only have 2/3days ago tho..



But i think i agree with Hannah on the Family Centre meetings when he wants to see her so they can be supervised by someone else..



Sorry my story probably wasnt much help at all...

Hannah - posted on 01/17/2009

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you could see a solicitor and ask for him to have meetings with your daughter at a family center that way you still don't have to be around but someone you could trust could supervise, hope that helps a bit.

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