My daughter doesnt know her father an asks what should i say to her?

Shawnte' - posted on 07/15/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My daugter will be 4years old in sept and her 'father' really has never been in the picture. She started headstart last year and talks about a daay but she has no clue who her daddy is. He has not seen her in over a year. I go to college and on our summer break we flew down to sc (we live in ny) to visit his family. I am very close to his mother and brother just not him. Im not sure what to do when she asks where he is I say hes working or at his house. I grew up with divorced parents who talked crap about each other all the time. She asked me why he doesnt come and see her and it made me wanna cry I dont know what exactly to tell her. yes it is my fault she doesnt have him but she deserves to have a father. What am I supposed to do/ tell her???

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Claire - posted on 12/27/2011

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As Jennifer Sharps said, I also told my son that he has uncles and not all kids have those! He was always fine with that. When children are 4 they normally do not dig deeper into what you tell them. What is the reason he is not around? Is it because you don't let him? Is it because he chooses not too? Is it because you live far apart? Most things you can tell your child. I would just be as honest as possible with her. If you feel that you cannot do that, maybe try counseling of some kind. I hope your daughter is ok with what you tell her just as my son was. Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2011

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Mine is 3 and starting to mention a "daddy". Right now I just tell her we don't have a Daddy, but she has a Pappa, and Uncles (we list them lol) who all love her very much, not to mention Mama, Nana, and the Aunts as well.

At 4 it's hard because she can't really understand the explanation. Just tell her the truth, he chooses to be at his house and not yours and leave it there. If she asks why just say you don't know because the truth is probably more than she'll grasp right now. When she is older and asks why, then you can, in non-derogatory language, explain the finer details to her if you want to.

Paula - posted on 08/18/2011

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With my daughter, I was very open that her dad could come and see her any time, she knew where he was, what he looked like and I was never negative about him, yet when she was 8, she asked me why I never let her dad see her? All she has is me, so I suppose you end up being the target for everything. So I just said to her that is not what is happening and if you want to see your dad you can. She did, I took her to see him and spend time with him for 5 days and that was enough for her. Her expectations far outweighed the reality. To this day, he still never sees her, but she isn't too fussed now. It's been 2yrs. So just keep the communication on that open. He is still a part of her no matter what, so don't say negative things, but don't lie. It's security for her to say that she knows who her dad is and that se has one. In my daughters life. Her grandfather is pretty much her dad and now at 10, her understanding is a lot better of the situation. She thought it was my fault that he wasn't coming to see her, but as she is getting older she is starting to understand finally. But I still give her choice of whether she wants to see him, but she just says no, I'll see him when I'm older and she is fine with that. Good luck.

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The truth... in a simple, non insulting way. I don't know WHY she doesn't have her father, so I can't even begin to tell you what words to use.

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