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Abandoned at 8 months pregnant...How to cope with becoming a single mom?

Sherri - posted on 07/05/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )




Here is my sad but true story, sorry it's a long one.

Background info: My husband and I got married in 2010, I was 18 and he was 19. He proposed to me and chose the date(I didn't want to pressure him, I wanted him to decide when he wanted to marry, because I understood that we were young.) We were together since high school. I was his first serious relationship and we married eachother as virgins.

**Present day: He is 21 and I am 20**

We bought a house, then got married. Life was bliss, for about a year as expected...but we were going to college and he was working (I couldn't work due to a very demanding class schedule and he understood, so I did all I could to take are of the home/chores and cooking to make up for not bringing money in)

We decided to try for a baby( I know I know, soon, but we thought we were ready(atleast I thought, I really dont know what he was thinking, looking back at it now). We wanted children, and we had discussed it over and over and even changed our minds a couple of times. We werent in the best situation for a baby(We had money(not alot of course, but enough) and the room, and we had a plan, which I think is the best that anyone could do). So we tried for months...finally on the 4th month(last Nov.) we had conceived.

We were very happy and excited, planning the baby and all. I had problems with my back during this pregnancy so I was ordered not to do much(my joints were relaxing way too much and causing my pelvis to spread farther then it should, causing immense pain) so I tried to do most of the housework, but some days I just couldnt get it all done.

The problems started when I was about 16 weeks pregnant. He drank some beers with a buddy one day and that evening came home. We were laying in bed and he wanted to have sex. I gladly obliged, but as we were kissing he told me he wanted to make a fantasy a reality and I asked him what it was. HE mentioned a threesome. I shot it down (I believe that a sex should only be between two people, ESPECIALLY in marriage, and that sex is something sacred) HE then started babbling about how he is always looking at other women now and thinking sexually about them and that he did that while we were dating but he supressed it, but now he doesnt know how to shut his brain from those kinds of thoughts anymore. That he is aroused by other women and sometimes just their shape gets him excited. I was alittle hurt and angry( I have had self-esteem struggles all of my life), but I told him that finding someone attractive is natural but as long as he doesnt act on his thoughts, then well, its all good. I knew he was coming home to me.

The next morning he told me he was sorry and that he was alittle drunk and he didnt mean what he said about a threesome.

Well, I put it behind me and forgot about it.

Then I hit around 20 weeks pregnant. My husband started changing. He was still affectionate towards me, but I could tell something was off...but he never said anything when I asked him. But one night he called me told me he didnt know what he wanted...started talking of divorce...I got sent to my mothers house while he thought. A week went by and I called him... the more I pushed him for an answer(I told him I couldnt be in limbo like that anymore) the more he fought. He even said "If you put me on the spot, you are going to get an answer, and not the one you want."

I did a stupid thing and I literally begged to come home. "Please, let me come home, I want to be home." I was sobbing.

Finally I went home anyway. I asked my husband what he wanted and if he wanted to work it out(whatever it was). He said yes. He told me he was stressed at work and that the house wasnt clean enough for him and I needed to change that. (That was the only problem he had with me. I thought housework was a little trivial to divorce over, but...if it was important to him, I would do whatever it took)

So I came home and cleaned the house, worked through my hip and back pain, and cooked a big meal for him every night. I kept the house clean, and just being cautious, I asked him every once in a while if he was okay and if we were okay. He told me I was doing better and that we were okay.

I continued to do better for the next month and a half until I discovered something. He added a random woman to his facebook. It was a girl who lived in the next town, but her picture was basically her showing off her big cleavage. I got alittle upset, but he told me he didnt really know her and he only did it to see my reaction then teased me for being jealous.
He constantly tried to make me jealous all the time after that, always making comments about other women in front of me, even though he knew I was feeling down about my pregnant appearance.

I let most of that go, figuring he was just teasing me or trying to get a rise out of me.

--All the while telling me that he was unhappy but he didnt know why, I was doing everything he asked of me, and he didnt want to leave me...but he still didnt know why he wasnt happy.--

Then I discovered something else.
I figured out he had to start giving a woman rides to and from work. Her car broke down and if she couldnt get to work then my husband would be left at the store all alone( He is an assistant manager in retail). I was alittle wary, but I just brushed it off as hormones and thought if he was cheating, he wouldnt tell me about her.

Well he also told me that she was married, but to a druggie and he was lazy, she has a 1 year old daughter. That was a red flag to me. (Why would she be sharing intimate details about her marriage to my husband? What was he saying?)
I told him to be careful, and that he could get into trouble talking to her about emotional problems (its easy for a woman to fall for man with a shoulder for her to cry on). He got defensive( another red flag) and told me she was just a friend. He also added her on facebook. I thought well okay, he isnt cheating and I dont want to be controlling. So I let that go.

Our anniversary came up a few weeks later, we were going to the beach. We got into a fight over something( it really is all a blur right now) and told me "I dont have to go to the beach", but I told him I wouldnt go if he wouldnt. I wanted to be with him, it was our anniversary after all.

We then decided to leave everything at the door and go to the beach. We got to the beach and I saw him texting the married coworker. HE basically asked her about her daughters birthday party and how work was. Trivial stuff, but I told him I thought it was inappropriate and to please stop texting her about non work related things...and atleast stop texting her while we were on vacation. He got a little defensive, but he agreed to stop.

I was worried that whole week, wondering what he was thinking, as he was alittle distant towards me, but you know I just brushed it off. On our anniversary dinner, he didnt talk to me at all until we got back into the car. "Did you see the ass on our hostess? DAMN!" HE went on and on about how hot our hostess and waitress was. I started to tear up and he got alittle upset and said he was sorry that he was joking around with me, all of that.

So, even though the whole texting another woman thing and him not talking to me and being distant, and the whole anniversary dinner disaster was bothering me...I let it go.

***I want to note that it wasnt all bad. We had affectionate times at the beach, he held my hand, we went and rented a movie I wanted to watch, and he cuddled with me when we went to bed every night.***

He held my hand all the way home from the beach(10 hour trip) and when we got home took me grocery shopping for the month. He told me everything was fine and that we were fine.

I thought a vacation was just what we needed.

The next morning he initiated sex with me and it was the most affectionate/passionate session we had in a long time. I admit the farther along in pregnancy I got ,the harder sex was on me, but I always tried to "help him" in "other ways". Oral, etc.

HE then got ready for work, took me out for a quick bite to eat, asked me to walk out with him to the car, told me he loved me and kissed me goodbye. He went to work.

HE called me extremely briefly during his lunch break, only to ask what I was up to blah blah blah, we exchanged I love yous, told me he had to drop that woman off at her house after work, and that was it.

I made dinner for him, and put it in the fridge, and went to go lay down( I had a headache). I texted him and told him it was late and I really missed him and couldnt wait until he got home.

Well he came home and went straight to the bedroom where I was. He touched my foot and asked me what I was doing, and I just told him I was laying down for a minute.

"Can we talk?" , he asked.
"Sure" I said.

I had no idea.

Basically he told me he doesnt love me anymore. That he just doesnt feel it. He didnt really know why, but thats what he felt. HE wanted a divorce. HE just didnt want me anymore. Romantically we were done. He tried to hug me and comfort me but I was just too shocked to really...react. I was eerily calm, asked him if it was anyone else. HE told me there was noone and that he was completely faithful. He gave me his wedding ring. He asked me to take me to my parents.(Basically kicking me out)

I broke down while packing my stuff...called my mother to pick me up because I couldnt bear the thought of sitting in a car with him taking me home.

He locked himself in the bedroom while I waited for my mother in the kitchen. I was sobbing.

It's been a week and a half, he doesnt contact me. The only time he called was when he told me he was dropping some of my stuff off at my parents house. The first stuff he packed was all of our wedding photos(because "we are done now") and he brought me all of my clothes.

His family has no idea why this is happening. I have no idea why(except for the "I dont love you"). I am giving birth in a matter of weeks. HE left me with no job, no home, no money(and he hasn't offered any), no vehicle, nothing.

I knew he was unhappy, but he told me I wasn't the problem and that he wanted this baby(our daughter). So why is he leaving me? Why have sex with me then dump me the same day? Why take me shopping for the month if he was going to get rid of me?

So many whys.

I dont think he is coming back. He is very indifferent, very dead behind the eyes. He is also adding many different strange women on facebook...most of which are very pretty and I cant compete with.

Any ideas on why he left? Should I file and give him what he wants? What should I file?? I dont want this, I want my family, I want him back...but I dont have any control. (Why do I want him back?)

I also know I wasnt a saint...but I did my best I thought, Id do anything for him and our marriage.


Kristin - posted on 07/05/2012




Oh an one more thing quit asking the whys and the what ifs they will drive you crazy. It doesnt matter why or what if, what matter is what is. Do not beat yourself up for his isues, your a good person and beautiful on the inside and out and you are going to be proud, and strong for your litttle girl. He will be the one to lose out not you. He cant just let you be homeless, penniless, and pregnant. Nope their are laws and you need to fight back. You can do this, it wont be easy but it will be worth it in the long run. Think positive you have a huge gift coming to you and she will help you through these tough times and bring you all the happiness in the world.

Kristin - posted on 07/05/2012




First off you need to take care of you and the baby. File for divorce and child support and custody. You are entitled to half the house and he has no legal right to even kick you out of it, especially since you are pregnant. You are also entitled to spousal support, half of any other assets and they may even start child support while you are pregnant. These are his choices and is what he wants, so now he pays the consequences of his actions. I think you were both too young to get married and he is now scared of the awesome responsibiltity of being a husband and a father so he is running from it. You need to just let him go and take care of you and the baby. As for girls on Facebook who cares its facebook everyone adds everyone and you ahould not feel low self esteem just because you view them as prettier than you. Who cares? Pretty does not equal good person. Boost up your self esteem and be happy with who you are and the child you are about to be blessed with. I am sure one day the right man will come along and be everything you want, who will be faithful and loving and respectful. I think your husband just isnt happy with who he is nor do i think he is responsible enought to be a good husband right now, that may change when the baby is born and he may want his family, I dont know. But in the meantime stand your ground, and fight for what is yours anf your childs. Lay down some ground rules for your hubby and work out access for the chile when she comes. Me personally I would move back into the house and make him leave and make him pay the mortgage still, and I would start divorce procedeeing. Call his bluff tell him your sick of him walking all over you and disrespecting you and you want what is fair. Good luck


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User - posted on 07/05/2012




I was in a similar situation and I find myself wondering the same things but know that my life is better with out my ex. We have 2 kids together. And he started dating a week after we spilt up. But the important thing is to get things started. In CO it takes 8-10 weeks just to get hold supprt started but you have to wait until your daughters born I think, I did. As for wondering if you were to young I'm 22 and have 2 kids and an angel. But my kids are my life make your life about your daughter and it won't matter how old you are. Some of the best moms I know are young. Good luck with everything

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