Am i wrong for keeping my sons abusive father away

Bethany - posted on 02/18/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I got pregnant at 18 by my "dream guy" who really turned out to be manipulating me and messing with my head the whole time. It didnt show until i was pregnant. The mental physicL and verbal abuse started as soon as i told him and eventually it got to the point where i almost took my life during my pregnancy but instead i found help went to counseling and gained the strength to remove him from our lives entirely. I had a restraining order for a while but its gone now and my son will be 2 in june. Most of the time i think i made all the right decisions, but part of me still worries my son will hate me for not letting his father around him. Im also still battling clinical/major depression and sometimes it feels like even if i give my beautiful boy everything i have, that it wont be enough.

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CRYSTAL - posted on 02/24/2016

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I have been in a physical, emotional & verbally abusive marriage since 2002, same year I had my daughter who is now almost 14. There were red flags that I ignored or thought would change, being a somewhat naive, younger woman. The real & heavy duty consistent abuse did not start until after marriage. He's from a different country & kind of has the mindset, once married, your mine, no, your my property now. I definitely 150% know what you went through & what you are going through. I have stayed with this unkind man for 14 long years of my life because I thought things would get better over time, he may change (yeah right, they never do) and for the sake of my daughter. There were some financial reasons tied in there too because he consistently, up until this date, has me suffering from so much anxiety/fear/stress/depression that I have resigned from the several jobs I had over these years because it was too much. Usually they wouldn't last longer than a few years. I'm talking good jobs with benefits, I have a college education, although he acts like I'm the dumbest on earth, so I mean they could have been positions that I retired from with full retirement after so many years. Federal government, state government & a few major corporations. To make a very long story short as possible, I have suffered for years in this house, arguing, screaming, fighting, name calling, shoving, insulting, demeaning, threatening, pushing, slapping, hitting & more for almost every day of my life. Even many times in front of my daughter. Over clothes or sonething I bought or my cats or the house being a mess or if I raise my voice or say something he doesn't like, I dare to say be quiet when he can do & say as he pleases...Put it this way, it's been hell & I slowly over years, went from an outgoing, social, friendly, hard working, attractive woman to someone who feels like she has no purpose in life, prisoner in her own home, anxiety ridden every day to the point where I have to take aspirin because of years of chest pressure, pain, tightness, lm afraid anytime I'll have a heart attack, to taking double doses of my sleep prescription at night just to sleep for a while & constantly looking over my shoulder & wondering what kind of mood he'll be in each day. I hardly ever see my friends/family. I really don't have any friends anymore. I'm so depressed that I haven't been to the gym in 2 years when it was a way for me to manage somewhat before. If he went, I couldn't even stand being in the car with him for 5 minutes. His whole life is control & power & manipulation. That's all he has. Basically a big bully. If he doesn't have that & full reign over someone, he doesn't have a life. He really doesn't. He doesn't work normal hours, only a few a day & it's like he lives for it. It gives him this drive to feel wonderful about himself putting others down constantly & his main reason to live. I swear once I leave, which I am soon, I hope, he will be struggling alone & I'll be happier, finally have some peace & calmness & get back to normalcy as soon as I can. Today was another bad day, I never sleep well & of course he was arguing, yelling over the same sh*t he always does. He has nothing else to use I guess. I barely have a life. He came up & grabbed me like he usually does, very tightly, screams like a madman in my face & I have to push him away as usual & this ignites the fire even more so. He comes back with vengeance & starts screaming about how I'll have nothing without him, I'm a loser, I'll be with a loser of course & I'll struggle & he can't wait to watch. We'll see. After hearing it a million times, you do really start to believe it & that your nothing & that's what they want & they have guess what? More power & control over you & they want to see how far they can go to keep you as a dog or not even a dog, under their reign. I won't say wings b/c he doesn't deserve to even be compared to angel of some sort...unless it's the devil! Kidding, I mean, I do think he's unbelievably cruel & mean, but I'm not sure of evil, but have said it & thought it plenty of times. It's unbelievable the rage you feel when someone continues to do this to you, day in & day out, it's an anger I've never experienced before, never felt with anyone but him & thoughts I've had. This has been like a torterous game for so long & I have really been suffering the physical & mental symptoms of it for so many years now, it caught up with me & I'm done at this point, I'm done. I'm planning to leave as soon as I can, even though currently I have no money saved & no employment. I always knew this would affect my daughter, & it has & I feel especially guilty about it...over the past few years especially, I've noticed her attitude, which most teenagers have, but also the disrespect that I'm sure has been passed on, even her sometimes defending him because years of me working nights & weekends left them together & easy & plenty of time for him to say plenty of nice things about me. I'm the bad guy, he's the good guy. Of course. What kind of man does that, especially to his wife & involves a child into adult inappropriate conversations & actually want to turn the child against the mother? Maybe so he can never lose her, but I can? That's right, in his country, the men have more say anyway in that matter.
Anyway, I could go on & on & I could write a book about it all or two or three maybe, but I just waned to vent & tell you I'm right there right with you & I understand the pain & frustration & I'm still going through it, even after midnight tonight, I had a confrontation with him & I had to leave and drive down the street to just breath & calm down, I was so hurt, again, angry & sad over it all & I just can't take it anymore!
One day...so, are you wrong for not allowing your son to see him? Your doing what's right for him right now & that's okay. Im sure things will calm down & work out after a while.
You have courage & strength to have left the situation & good for you. I'm waiting for my day, happy my daughter is a little bit older & understands more. What steps did you take? It's not easy & definitely not easy for me in my situation now & my credit is awful b/c of my depression. I honestly didn't care about any of it, when your going through stuff like this, you could care less about getting up, brushing teeth or hair, taking care of yourself, let alone, paying some credit card bills.
I'm sorry I'm so negative, I'm heated about the topic & recent incidents & I've just had it. I've always been a successful, independent woman with a positive outlook & I've turned into this person I don't want to be, but I can not help it right now, neither can you. It's NOT our faults, it happens. We have to find the braveness, hope & courage to rise above it & know for certain we deserve so much more. I refuse to continue to set this kind of example for my daughter of how a marriage/life should be. I'm Christian, my husband is not, but it's actually the complete opposite of how it's supposed to be. We are the luckiest women in the world to have freedom & choice here. We need to take advantage of that & help others going through the same. I often ask, why me? And why have I been so stupid and weak to allow this for so long & put us through this? It took time to get to the rock bottom lows, so it will take time to get back to the high tower skies, but I'm ready to take the first steps. Thanks for posting, sometimes we feel as if we are the only ones going through this and we are definitely not unfortunately.
I am going to try & seek counseling for my daughter & I, Raye is right, I can not be my best for her & focus on that with all these underlying issues & so much pain, anger, hurt, doubt, fear in my heart all around. It will take time, no quick cure, but I hope ultimately in a new location & I don't care if it's a shack, as long as I have peace & harmony & put the pieces of my life back together, it will eventually be ok.
Stay strong, I try to, otherwise I couldn't have made it this far, some days better than others.
As far as custody, I have been through this before, you can file for temporary full custody until things are final & worked out. If he is awarded visitation, he may have to be supervised with a different family member for a limited time. That maybe wouldn't be as bad & calm the seas a bit.
I know my abusive husband is very manipulative & calculated, so easily controls it in front of others like my family or others/public. This is proof they can control if if they'd like to & it's done with purpose, but you know that already. I shall not dare say that around him, he will become enraged. They do a great job of making you feel like the crazy one. I'm not, never have been, you too, don't let him make him feel like you have to give in or threatened, I know it's hard, but also try to be reasonable even when he is not & record things said/done, compromises you've tried to make, conversation, etc. you may need for court. As long as your open to even short supervised visits & try to reason/compromise somehow or even write a letter explaining how you feel & your doing the best for your son under circumstances, but your willing to talk about it-even court mediator if it has to be-bring a family member/trusted friend for support or even use a trusted fam member-I did with my mother for communication-short, sweet, to the point, etc. & especially documented, even if just notes, jotted Down with dates, is a lot better than just ignoring situation/denying if he's trying to contact or see the child. He will then possibly be more vengeful & can use against you in court. So, it doesn't take much & not putting your son's safety at risk to handle.
Hope it works out for you (& me! :) keep your head up, it always gets better, I have to tell myself that too, but we also have to make an effort. I know it's super difficult. I want to finally go back to yoga for mind & body. Helps with anxiety/depression & exercise alone reduces symptoms by 50%. One reason to get out & away for a while at the same time. YMCA is awesome, affordable, does wonderful things for community & has great day care included in membership. You can work out & hit the Sauna/jacuzzi ;) I don't take any meds because of others I take, but natural supplements like St. John's wort/tmg on occasion, it helps when it's really, really bad or sometimes I'll pop in funny vids on YouTube just to laugh because it's been too long. Good luck & kit & thanks for listening & I'm extremely sorry about this monsterous post! :) first time! Ha!
There are some women fun conferences on eventbrite that I'm hoping to attend for socialization & enpowerment as soon as I'm motivated to get back into a routine again. I think once I do & im surrounded by strong females, it will encourage me more so. Every little bit helps.
Take care, now I can finally sleep!
Imsomnia, another issue :/

Raye - posted on 02/22/2016

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You need to get yourself taken care of with counseling or something to help you battle the depression. You can't do your best for your child if you are struggling with your own problems.

I don't think your child would hate you for trying to do what you felt was best. But the father is still the child's father, and (unless you have court orders that say otherwise) the father has rights to be in his child's life. After 2 years, maybe he has changed. And, as Evelyn wrote, just because he was abusive toward you doesn't mean he would be abusive to his son. You should think about trying to allow the child to know his father. Go to court and get custody/visitation legally taken care of. Give the father the opportunity to see his son. If the father refuses, then it's no longer on your shoulders and you can at least say you tried. If you're concerned about the father acting out toward you, then meet the father in a public place or have a third party there with you when he comes to see his son.

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