child support or no contact?

Sabrina - posted on 07/09/2011 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I have a dilemma...i want to file for child support because i want him to contribute something, but i know SD would ask for visitation rights just to get back to me, which i don't want to give him because he was never there and he would never be there if i don't initiate it, he just doesn't care at all and he has a gf that's a total bitch, so i'm worried she'll emotionally abuse my son if he's with his "father". in other words, i'll just be asking for drama if i ask for child support.

OR should i just leave things alone, knowing SD will never ask to see my son because he's afraid to pay for child support...besides, i don't need anything from him, i was just going to put the child support money in a college fund for my son. i also don't think it'll be good for my son to be around his "father" who doesn't give crap about him. like i said, he would rather not see his son at all than pay child support.

Thanks in advance for the help :)

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Kayla - posted on 07/10/2011

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I wouldn't file for child support. The drama is not worth it. And maybe I have a different opinion than most do but I think a completely absent father is easier to deal with than one who is barely there, or one who is there for all the wrong reasons. I lived through both. My dad was barely there and then he disappeared completely. It was harder to understand when he was just disappointing me.

I have to deal with my ex for my son. He takes him rarely and it's always drama. I do not see how this influence is very good for him. So yeah, I would leave it alone.

Sherry - posted on 07/09/2011

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I would just leave the situation alone and continue my life in the same fashion that it has always been. My daughter will be 7 next month. Her sperm donor has never met her, and he has never given a penny to help support her. He is not even on the birth certificate. I don't need him. I have a decent job as a registered nurse. Even though he is going to be 40 years old next year, I am pretty sure that he makes chump change at whatever job he has. I would get almost nothing from him for child support.

Melissa - posted on 07/10/2011

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child support and visitation are totally separate issues and that could happen either way if you pursue it or not - its your sons money ultimately and you can also file later and it will be charged back retroactively from birth - order of support. At least in Texas. If you ask for child support a visitation order will be included. Depending on location of parents and inclination of father and you to actually execute....it again could go either way. Its always tough and incredibly unsettling to think adults could victimize a child in any way over friction w/other parent and unless they are just evil people I doubt that would happen to just get back at you. Trust me I have been down the road and you have to set boundaries but your son will at some point benefit from having his father in his life unless he is abusive or damaging the child and thats a whole different story. You can also request supervised visitation if that is a possibility until evaluations can be done of both environments for child. Then they will always want what is in the best intrest of the child not the parents but the child because its not their fault. Try your very very hardest to not be so angry and look at it like a business transaction. It helps. Ground rules are in court orders and can be modified to fit your situation in mediation. If dad sees son it is inevitable he will hopfully give a "crap" because the child is part of him and part of you an you can never disparage each other becuase the child then wonders which part of him do you or his dad hate if you hate each other.....Besides you got the BEST part.....:) if it doesnt work the kid eventually figures it out without your input anyway. They are VERY smart and intuitive of the reality of the situation and its a litle painful to watch them figure out his dad is a schmuck but you cant change that and its an honest reality they came to on their own and dont blame you for keeping his dad away from him or make it your fault - i check in frequently without being direct with my son to make sure he's okay or we also have had him talk to a counselor (3rd party and all about dawson not me or his dad and its confidential so he can not be woried he will upset either parent). you cant make anyone do or be anything in life but you can look your son in the face one day and say you truly tried and did everything you could to facilitate a relationship with his dad and him. SD should pay child support. He owes that to your son. You never know and its not your $ to refuse on his behalf. It is his responsibility snd sets your son up legally & financially should there ever be an estate or inheritance or Social Security benefits etc.......your child may develop needs outside of your ability to provide. I say this with total respect and hope you can work it out in any case after living this drama for 10 years making all the mistakes along the way doing my best to do do whats best for my kiddo but tripping along the way to get to this point peacefully. IT IS WHAT IT IS SISTER, ha! good luck!

Billie Jo - posted on 08/12/2011

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I would have LOVED to get child support! However, he said if I did he would try for custody. Also, courts now are all messed up I'm sure you all have noticed that too! The money from child support is not worth the RISK of letting him see my son. I will struggle as a single mom that's okay by me, I know that at the end of the day my son is with me and is loved and doesn't have heatache from his father in his life, he is very happy and loves life. How could anyone risk that for money?

Elizabeth - posted on 08/21/2011

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I have the same situation with 2 of my three children. It terrifies me to think he would want unsupervised visits. Decide what your own sanity is worth and whether or not this is going to lead to an unstable environment for your child. Good luck and God Bless your little family.

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Shea - posted on 03/17/2016

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lord how mercy. all this yes and no yes and no is making me crazy! my babys dad left me again and went back to his cheating x and her kids from 2 different "other" men. She is now faking a pregnancy and she went ahead and let me know they got married last week. Baby girl is due any day now any day. I believe this is her 7th marriage. I also believe she is on pills and has lost her kids before so you can imagine the difficulty i am having with this decision. But being that he has a felony record that i didnt find out until way later in the relationship i dont even see how in the WORLD they would get any sort of visitation other than supervised. But really can somebody please give me a timeline as of what im looking at as far as the fact i heard that he cant even get it for the first 2 years of her life other than supervised. It is just a nightmare a real nightmare. I have to make a decision soon. At the moment he dropped off the planet and is in hiding under her. No one can even find him disconnected his number and everything. What he dont know is he left his social on my laptop. If he did request it it would be out of spite and im sure she would be behind it because of course she sure dont wanna give up her pill $. Sad we are even have to go thru this back in the day it was simple a man gets a woman pregnant and dont care its bye bye bye. I think it needs to go back to the old days.

Leilani - posted on 08/24/2011

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I have a 12 yr old son. I filed child support when he was 3 years old. Not for me but for him. He got married and helped his wife raise her child but forgot that our son was his responsibility as well. He never filed for visitation. I think if u don't push the visitation issue,he will not ask for it especially since he has shown no interest in helping or seeing your son. There is another option called child abandonment. If a monetary payment has not been provided to you within the last 30 days,u can file with the courts. They only want to know has he provided for the child within the last thirty days if the answer is No,they will ask him does he want to sign up for child support,take a dna test if paternity hasn't been established,or prove that he provided for your son within the last thirty days. They will give u another court date and he will be made to pay u. Remember this is abandonment not visitation. U can file abandonment every thirty one days if you don't get a payment. Good luck and get your son's money!

Tarniah - posted on 08/17/2011

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Asking for child support could open up a whole new can of worms. You need to think if it's going to be worth it.. I wish i'd never gone there with my son's father but every situation is different. good luck :)

Kimmy - posted on 08/17/2011

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I was the same situation. My son and I are better off without his SD in the picture so I decided to not file for child support. I hope all works out well for you.

Julia - posted on 08/16/2011

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Visitation and support are COMPLETELY separate.. But if your in uk you might want to apply for support ASAP cause they will not back date it x

Julia - posted on 08/16/2011

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Visitation and support are COMPLETELY separate.. But if your in uk you might want to apply for support ASAP cause they will not back date it x

Timeka - posted on 08/10/2011

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Personally, I would just have no contact and leave it alone as long as you can take care of your child by yourself.....and if you have to dig in your pocket just for him to see your child, it sounds like you are the more stable one anyway......so if I were you, I would do not file for child support and just take care of my baby alone because it would definitely be less drama that way!

Quita - posted on 07/21/2011

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They don't have to put the visitation the child support order. they originally put it in but since he missed so many court dates they took it out. But on the other hand why are you worried about his girlfriend being a bitch? If you don't need anything from him, move on with your life.

Christina - posted on 07/21/2011

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If you don't want the dad involved at all, then leave things alone. Money is not worth the possible abuse you are worried about.
Not only that, but I tell all mothers that if they want money, they better be willing to hand their kid over for unsupervised visits. It is not okay to demand one parent be financially responsible for a child, but not let them be a parent. *this does not include cases of abuse where courts rule the noncustodial parent only have supervised visitations for the safety of the child.*

Allison - posted on 07/21/2011

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I look at it this way you should go for chils support this is an area where drama is actually worth it. Its not about you and the stress you don't want to deal with its about whats best for your little one. the person above worried about the father turning things around and saying she was selfish and wouldn't let him see his kid well all you have to do is offer an open invitation (with in reason) and if your honest with your kid all time even about things you don't want to be your kid will know thats not true

Julie - posted on 07/20/2011

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Check with your State's Child Support Enforcement Bureau - 'support' do not necessarily mean visitiation rights.

Mary - posted on 07/20/2011

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Child support and access do not go hand in hand. A judge will order child support as the child's right, not yours. The judge can also order no access for the father if you can establish a reason the child should not see him.

Allissa - posted on 07/20/2011

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I'm kind of in the same boat as u! I actually talked 2 a lawyer after an argument I had with my daughter's father. The lawyer advised me that if I didn't want him 2 have contact with my daughter, not 2 file for child support. The lawyer said that 85% of men ordered 2 pay child support file for visitation, and there is NO gurantee that you can make sure visitations are supervised. I would tell u 2 keep on how you have been. My daughter's father is from another country & I was afraid that he would leave the country with her & I'd never be able 2 see her again. I have the help of my family (since I am 21 and just graduated college), my friends, and my boyfriend of 4 months. But, if u wanna take ur chances, and later on down the road, find out that she is abusive to your son in any way, you can file a protective order for your son @ where she can NOT be around your son @ any time. I hope that kinda helped you. Good luck!

Sabrina - posted on 07/19/2011

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Thank you, ladies, for the enlightenment. I'm leaning more towards NOT filing for child support. I know it's normal that the child goes back n forth between parents but I really don't want my baby to be in that environment. This way, I have all the say in how to raise him, which is very different from SD. I've seen how he plays around with his other kids and he's too rough. My son does not know roughness. Everyone is very gentle with him and shows him lots of love.

If he wants to see his son, he can file for child support and visitation rights, which will never happen. Oh, and that showing up at our door 6 years from now, is not gonna work. He burned that bridge a long time ago.

I didn't know my real father either and I never cared. I can guide him through this. I'll show him how to be strong.

Diane - posted on 07/19/2011

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@Sabrina,

I know how you feel and what motivates you behind the child support; however, it is a double edge sword as all the ladies above are saying. I'm in the same situation and my Attorney says i owe it to my daughter to take him to court for money; BUT then he will please poverty, give a paltry amount in maintenance (if i'm lucky) but then demand he have all the rights a married/divorced father should have.

the only value he ever added, was getting me pregnant and the gorgeous daughter i got out of the situation.

another thing that keeps me from going for support is; i sue him right; he has to pay and then when my daughter older; he tells her i was quick to take his money but wouldnt let him be a part of her life - he's a self-absorbed ASS and very stingey so i know for a fact i'll be inviting drama where i dont need or want it.

think about the end result and why you are thinking in this line and based on they WHY, the WHAT/HOW should come easily!
good luck

Allison - posted on 07/12/2011

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go for child support. he needs to help with your kid. what happens if god forbid you loose your job and can no longer afford a lawyer or the more important things like food, diapers, clothing, heat and so on? When you go to file for child support also file for sole custody. I don't know where you live but in iowa all you have to do is make an effort to contact him. either have summons dropped off at his home or work and if they can't deliver for whatever reason just post a notice in the paper for 3 days. if he doesn't show up to court its not your problem but if he does just be prepared to prove his dis interest

April - posted on 07/11/2011

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If he would be a bad parent and you know that for sure, I say leave it as it is now. When I found out I was pregnant I had just escaped my relationship, I say escaped because I finally decided to walk away from the physical, mental, and emotional abuse I was getting daily. I found out right after that I was pregnant. My ex had a daughter from a previous marriage and wouldn't go to work because they would deduct child support from his check. Knowing that he wouldn't pay and would be abusive helped me make the decision to walk away completely. My son is almost 5 now and his "sperm donor" doesn't even know he exists. My sweet, happy little boy wouldn't be the same kid if I had his dad around. All he had to offer was abuse and I refuse to put my son through that.
So my point is, if the father wouldn't offer any love or financial support to the child, what good are they to them? If they only offer negativity, the child is better off without them.

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