Controlling my daughters visit with her dad

Kimberly - posted on 04/07/2011 ( 1 mom has responded )




My daughter is two years old. Her father did not show up for christmas nor thanksgiving. I would often be the one who would set up visits between him and my daughter. Christmas and thanksgiving had came and went with no visit from him. Her dad has recently moved in with his new girlfriend after 3months of dating and has now decided that he needs to be more active in her life. (personally I think he is just wants to play house with my child ) My issue is that I am completly uncomfortable with letting her go visit her dad for two reasons. First, they live at least a hr away and I have no idea what his living conditions are like (as he is not the most emotionally stable person) secondly, I am completely uncomfortable with her being around his new girlfriend who I have never met. I have informed him that he is more than welcome to visit with her on our side of town or even at his mothers house. She is two years old and I just feel that she is too young to be visiting with her dad and a complete stranger as far as I am concerned. Not only that,( sorry this is long) but our conversations with each other are very hostile and he feels that he does not owe me an explanation when I ask him simple questions. What do you think? I dont want to push him away from his daughter but I need to protect her as well.


Christina - posted on 04/07/2011




Woa woa woa. . .

1. If you do not have a court order that forces you to hand over your child you do not have to.

2. A child of tender years has a special place in the court system. Until he has filed for visitation and has been granted that right by the court you are in control and have full custody (unless you were married and have a visitation plan in place currently).

3. This isn't about him! It is about her safety, needs, connection to you, knowing she is safe.

4. Many court systems have extremely well written safe guards to be sure a child of tender years has regular, short, frequent contact with those ordered to participate in their upbringing. In "legal" terms they call it something like frequency. Because children freak out, children need routine and children have to come first.

5. You do not have to hand her over. Unless a court has said so.

6. In my experience with many moms if they begin this activity of handing the child over, they are telling the world (read: court) "I trust this man with my daughter. This man is a good person for her to spend time alone with. I want this man to have time with her by himself, on his terms." If you begin unsupervised, across town leaving her with them NOW there is little to no chance you will ever be heard by a court that you don't think it is a good idea.

Meet at McDonald's. Go to a park, all of you - together. She needs her connection to you - she is very young. Meet at the library and read books. Go swimming together. BE IN PUBLIC if you are not comfortable with his emotional stability. You are kind to "want" to promote a relationship, but it has to be HEALTHY. A healthy relationships consists of a father who says, "I'd like to see her, I'd like her to get to know me. I DON'T want her to feel uncomfortable. I DON'T want you to worry. I DON'T want us to fight, battle or do anything that even remotely causes her one second of stress. Because I LOVE AND CARE ABOUT HER."

Sorry this is some tough pointers - I've known women who have lost custody, by being "nice" then got dragged to court and the court said, "Then why did you allow it to happen in the first place?"

Public places, fun for her - short - one hour, two hours.

But, and this is up to you - most women also just cut him out of the child's life because it causes the mother and child stress. Creates undo interruptions. Causes fighting.

Just my thoughts, and what my friends have been through. If you were never married, you don't even have to answer the phone, if you don't want to, and have full custody. Up to you. . .

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