Daddy is an alcoholic

Sandy - posted on 03/04/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I am 26. I have a six month old and a two year old and I am finally separating with their father after three years of turmoil. He is an alcoholic and doesn't want to quit his drinking or his good time life. I am so tired of sitting alone while he goes out with his buddies every weekend to get wasted. It's so lonely and sad. He doesn't even come home half the time. How is my two year old going to understand that "Daddy" is not going to be around anymore? And how do I cope with raising these two boys with no Dad while I'm so depressed? Sometimes I feel like I'm not going to make it.

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Vicki - posted on 03/04/2009

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I went thru the same thing my daughters father couldnt give up his lifestyle so i gave up on him.my daughter was a little bit younger when we did split but now shes two. She dosent even really notice that hes not around im at the point now where she dosent ask about him. he comes around when he feels like it, so she dosent pay much attention to him . you did the right thing, you cant live you life dealing with his childish ways.

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Koreen - posted on 03/09/2009

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It's a hard road. You need to get as much help as possible. You need to start making time for yourself. Try the ymca, the kids are taken care of well you get the exerise you need to battle the depression. You can not pretend you are ok ....the kids know and they will mimic your emotions.  Take care of you and the boys will be ok. At least there is no more eggshell guessing what he is going to be like when he gets home. My kids are now 15 and 17 and doing great. It's well worth it!

Ajia - posted on 03/09/2009

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I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but I just wanted to express my empathy. My baby's father is 20 years sober, but just as emotionally and mentally messed up as he was when he was drinking, and therefore not fit to be in our daughter's life. My baby isn't even born yet (I'm 33 weeks) and I'm already crushed about the custody hearing I might have to go through, but mostly the fact that my daughter doesn't get to have a healthy, stable father to help raise her.

Lindsay - posted on 03/08/2009

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OPPS!! I meant Sandy, not Susan for my last post!!! Darn pregnancy absentmindedness!!! So sorry!

Lindsay - posted on 03/08/2009

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Susan,

I'm going through the same thing right now with my baby's daddy. He doesn't want to quit his lifestyle of drugs and alcohol. He goes out of town every weekend to party and hasn't helped me one bit. The 3 times he has come over in the past couple months he downs a 12 pack or so. I know I'm better off without him, just like you are with your ex, but I know it's hard. I wanted to stay on good terms with him for our daughters sake (who by the way isn't born yet, I'm due in 5 weeks) but he could care less. I know how it is to feel alone! I hope the best for you and your children. Feel free to look me up on facebook if you want. Sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who is going through the same things you are.

Tania - posted on 03/08/2009

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UNLOVEABLE... NO WAY!!! Just take a moment to look at your children and how they look at you... then you'll see you are far from unloveable. As for being loved by a man, that will come again later when you're happy & healed, and more importantly ready to be loved again. I know you must feel very low at the moment as you start a new & scary chapter in your life, but you really can do it alone (we Mum's are so much stronger than we ever give ourselves credit). Just keep your focus on what you're doing for your children and resist the urge to slip back into unhealthy behaviour with their Dad. You probably feel that what you are going through is your darkest hour but believe me when I say one day you will look back and realize it was perhaps your finest and bravest. Your two boys are so very lucky to have a Mum who has the courage to make the tough decisions so that they may have the life they deserve... not to mention what you deserve too.



I wish all three of you nothing but happiness & joy. Big hugs all the way from New Zealand.

Sandy - posted on 03/08/2009

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I'm just so sad and not sure I can do it alone. Thank you for your support, all of you. It is so hard right now. All I want to do is call him or see him but he was awful to me and now I found out that he cheated on me too. I feel so betrayed and unlovable. Thank you for your kind words.

Rebecca - posted on 03/07/2009

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Quoting Sandy:

Daddy is an alcoholic

I am 26. I have a six month old and a two year old and I am finally separating with their father after three years of turmoil. He is an alcoholic and doesn't want to quit his drinking or his good time life. I am so tired of sitting alone while he goes out with his buddies every weekend to get wasted. It's so lonely and sad. He doesn't even come home half the time. How is my two year old going to understand that "Daddy" is not going to be around anymore? And how do I cope with raising these two boys with no Dad while I'm so depressed? Sometimes I feel like I'm not going to make it.



Sandy,



     I went through the same thing when my son was two and I was 24. His dad always went out to the bar, and I was home raising our son. He would say he was going to the store, but then wouldn't come home for five or six hours because he stopped at the bar for a 'quick one'. I worked overnights at the time, he would leave when our son would go down for a nap, and I was lucky to have him home in time so I could go to work on the weekends. I decided that I was going to make a decision by the time my son was two. It was the absolute best thing I could have done. It was hard at first to try to get a two year old to understand, but a little cuddling, and making a new routine worked wonders. My son is now six, and he doesn't remember a time when mommy and daddy lived together, or that dad was never home. It is honestly the best time to do it, in my opinion, when they are young and won't remember. It will become a new life for them, and they won't know any different than that. I applaud you, because it is hard, and I didn't have a baby also to tend to also, but it is very brave and is the best for the children, and that ultimately is what is important!



Rebecca

Tania - posted on 03/07/2009

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You WILL make it... the fact that you can express how you're feeling on here shows that you already have the strength of character. And you are definitely making the right choice... if you continued with things how they were your beautiful boys will grow up seeing their Dad's behaviour and thinking that's acceptable. You'll do a much better job on your own & will be able to instill good values in your boys easier without all that negative energy around you. I've been a solo Mum to twin boys since they were born (nearly 4 years ago now). Their Dad had some pretty nasty vices too but rather than chose to do something positive about them he opted to take his own life when I was 5 months pregnant. I guess the positive side of that is my boys are not growing up with a Dad who constantly disappoints and lets them down. Maybe he knew that's the role he would have played and thought they would do better without him...? I'm sure you will have plenty of lonely, sad times as you get on your feet again... but that's no different to how things have already been huh? At least now you will be able to look forward to a brighter future and know you're doing the best you can for your children. As for their Daddy, his problems are his problems... and one day he'll see them as such. As far as raising your boys without their Dad just make sure they feel loved, safe & secure, that's all they really need. And have a couple of good male family members or friends play important roles in their lives (boys really need that and no matter how good a Mum we are we can't give them that male bond).



I wish you all the very best Sandy. Each day will become a little easier and don't forget to remind yourself everyday that "YOU'RE A GREAT MUM DOING A GREAT JOB!"

Emily - posted on 03/07/2009

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i have been through the same thing, only my sons dad was a recovering and relapsing alcoholic and drug addict. I actually ended up leaving him because he was abusive,but either way i can tell u you definately did the right thing!!! Your two year old will probably notice for a little bit that daddy isn't wround as much, i tell my two year old that daddy is in time out and he can come out when he can be a good boy. I didn't think i could raise two kids, both boys, on my own either, but i have found that just when u feel like your at your weakest you are growing stronger every day. And just think of all the good your doing by not having their dad around them right now, all the bad lessons their not learning or going to learn, just remember your doing the right thing! Another thing that reminds me i'm doing the right thing is all the things hes missing because he can't be a responsible parent and how lucky i am to be the responsible one and get to see my kids grow, like today, we had my sons first birthday party and seeing him smash that cake was priceless and daddy is some where thinking about it and kicking himself bor being an idiot! good luck, idk if your interest but if you ever need to some support or to talk or anything i'm pretty addicted to facebook so u can add ,me nfgblackandblue@yahoo.com or emily torwirt on fb.

Megan - posted on 03/07/2009

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I understand what you are going through. I have a 5 1/2 year old boy and his father is an alcoholic. I, just like you, was worried about how my son would be if I ever left his father. I wanted to leave for years but kept wanting to keep my family together. We didn't separate until my son was 5. Honestly, I should have left when he was younger. He wouldn't have realized that daddy isn't always around. Now that he's older, he is always saying "I want daddy". This breaks my heart because his daddy picked alcohol over him. I think you are making the right choice by getting out now. It is not a good environment for your children and both they and you will be much happier. You will be able to develop a strong bond with your children, so as they get older..they won't miss him as much.

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I haven't been through this but I have been through a separation, and now a single mom myself, of 3 boys. If you are depressed and unhappy then the best thing for you and your kids are to leave.......You will be lonely for a while but you will learn to cope without him and all of the added stress will be gone. Keep your chin up, you and kids will do just fine, you will get through it, but it won't be easy you have to be strong for the kids! Me personally haven't been happier and I am loving being a single mom, the kids and I don't have anyone to answer too and we do what we want when we want, it's all what you make of it! Take care and best wishes.

Vicki - posted on 03/04/2009

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so much happier and so is she she could tell when i was upset or stressed out and now were both so happy. it is hard at the start but its get so much better you wont have all the stress in your life i wish you the best.

Teresa - posted on 03/04/2009

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My ex is the exact same way...I have 7 kids although only my 4 year old and my 6 month old triplets are his....We are all a lot happier without him in the picture..My kids can be kids without having to walk on eggshells cause DADDY is acting strange again...You did the right thing...It takes alot of courage to walk away.At first it might be strange for the 2 year old but in time he will forget that daddy was ever there all the time...Hold your head up and realize it was his problem not yours...your going to make it..We are here to help..You can i.m. me or email me anytime...

Sandy - posted on 03/04/2009

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Quoting Vicki:

I went thru the same thing my daughters father couldnt give up his lifestyle so i gave up on him.my daughter was a little bit younger when we did split but now shes two. She dosent even really notice that hes not around im at the point now where she dosent ask about him. he comes around when he feels like it, so she dosent pay much attention to him . you did the right thing, you cant live you life dealing with his childish ways.


Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Are you happier now?

Vicki - posted on 03/04/2009

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I went thru the same thing my daughters father couldnt give up his lifestyle so i gave up on him.my daughter was a little bit younger when we did split but now shes two. She dosent even really notice that hes not around im at the point now where she dosent ask about him. he comes around when he feels like it, so she dosent pay much attention to him . you did the right thing, you cant live you life dealing with his childish ways.

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