dead beat dads?

Carmen - posted on 11/24/2008 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I am having a really hard time dealing with being alone. i know i have many friends and support networks but i get sad knowing his dad doesn't really care if he's in the picture as much what are other mom's going through?

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Bonnie - posted on 11/25/2008

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well. i totally understand how u feel. ive been quite depressed because my biggest fear is to be alone and i figure being a single mum is the best recipe. EVEN tho ive been dating this AWESOME guy since my daughter was about a month old. jayde has never met her dad..and never will.. but i dont care. because as long as u love ur child i dont think anything else really matters. i mean i dont really believe my dad added alot to my upbringing. he was a bit of an ass and i rekon i wud of turned out the same without him. so dont let it worry u too much.. things happen for a reason. and one day it will all be clear... take care xxxxxxx

Brenda - posted on 11/24/2008

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I was engaged to my daughter's father, and then it was over when I realized he was an alcoholic, didn't want to stop drinking, and had a violent temper along with it. I left, and it was the following morning that I found out I was pregnant. I LOVE that I have my daughter...nothing has ever been a better gift. But...even with all that was wrong with my relationship with her dad, it was very hard to go through the pregnancy, birth, and the last 2 years alone. I've tried to get him involved....he chooses not to be. He talks and says the right things...but doesn't ever act on them. For a while, I let myself be comforted by the empty words...talking to him almost daily. Now....she's 2! I'm ready for a real life, for someone who really wants to be part of it and wants to be a dad to my daughter. I think for me, the hardest part is forgiving myself - like to forget the thought that "if he loved me enough, he would have done x and y differently...." You know, that blame yourself stuff. What helped/helps me is stuff like this....reaching out to other people. It's good to see you're not alone. Also, sometimes, I just had to be sad....and let it run its course. Watching my little girl be silly and playing with her never allowed me to mope around very long! Just watching her makes me laugh and smile. :) Also...one last thought....no matter what happened or why (with the relationship), I always figure the reason it all had to happen was because my daughter was meant to be here. So it was all worth it.

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Angela - posted on 01/19/2012

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i so know what your going through. i am in the exact same situation as you. i live with my parents who are very helpful and i have the support of alot of wonderful people but it does get very lonely sometimes. and it totally sucks. especially since i know that somewhere along the line i'm going to have to answer the question"why doesnt my daddy want me". and it's especially hard when i know that my son's dad has completely moved on and is now engaged to the chick he left me and my son for and they have a baby boy together. so i know what you're going through. all i can say is be strong. and i don't know if you believe in God, but if it weren't for Him i don't think i would have made it this far. that and of coarse with the help of my parents and the other wonderful people who are there for me and my amazing son.

User - posted on 01/17/2012

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being in a similar situation (father chooses drugs/alcohol over child) i'm wondering has anyone gone to court for custody? i go in 2 days and of course as court sets custody in stone i'm nervous about it.

Luvmia - posted on 01/14/2012

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I am glad that there are such strong women here. Please continue to persevere because the best revenge is success.



I am too a single mother and it is hard. I do not have any friends or family support. It gets very lonely and I even get depressed. But eventually it passes. I guess that is just one of the test in this life.



I must say the best things to do is to pray, keep a journal, have pity parties (there is nothing wrong with crying to get it out) and to find constructive things to do to occupy your time. Also find good, approachable, nonjudgmental and caring people to talk to because you need that human contact. Please feel free to come here and talk to us to get you through these difficult times.



Just keep in mind that this period is only temporary and that things will get better if you focus on self-improvement and taking care of your child/ren.

Sabrina - posted on 01/13/2012

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It is hard being alone. And every single mother of a young child knows this, and if you dont then something is wrong with you. I dont have many friends either, and not too much family, but learn to keep yourself occupied. Find things to do with your time, you have already made a good step by reaching out to other single mothers. I get lonely too, but the feeling passes. One thing being a single mother is that you have to always be on the look out for people who take advantage of lonely people, and your kids dad could be one of those. Stay away from him, until he makes huge efforts to be in your sons life. My sons dad is the same, he has another bitch and she is pregnant, they are doing "the family thing," it does eat at me sometimes when I let it. He calls once in a while, offering his help or crying because he hasnt seen his son, I give him an oppourtunity to see him and well I guess the feeling passes because he has yet to show for a visit, or even call. That is not the type of person my son needs in his life, so I dont make "Dada" that big of a deal to my son, and he doesnt miss him. He never has once cried for his dada. only for his mama, or his nana. It may be sad, and doesnt fit into the idea we have culturally for a family, but face it, if you are pregnant, you have a one in 5 chance of being a single mother. That is a huge population group, we are a culture of our own now and the only obligation we have is to raise strong, healthy, and confident children.

Now is the time when you have to show your son how strong a woman can be, by doing that you will show him how strong he can be.

Kayla - posted on 01/10/2012

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When i first found out i was pregnant all my sons "sperm donor" would do was go out party drink do drugs cheat on me and whatever else. He would leave n then beg to come back and me being an idiot would let him. He told ppl i was nothing but a whore and that the baby wasnt his.... The day my son was born a girl texted him and let him know that he had got her pregnant too. we decided we were still gonna try and make it work for our son, But when my lil one was only 3 weeks old I asked his father to get up with him one night bc i was soo tired he got up but instead of pickin him up he just yelled at him to shut the f*** up i got upp changed my sons diaper fixed him a bottle and rocked him back to sleep. Now My son is fixing to turn 2. And his father has not laid eyes on him in a year. i had called told him he could come see him netime he wants. i wanted my son to know his father. But it was always excuse after excuse then it turned into him calling sayin he was coming to see little man just to not show up. I later found out he thought that when he called i sat at home waitin on him to show, he did it in order to stop me from doing anything. Then he moved took off to another state hadnt heard nething at all. the first year of my sons life he paid no child support except when the state took it out of his taxes. Now he has moved back and is payin enough to keep him outta jail. He has called 1 time wanting to see his "kid" and in my opinion when he walked away he gave up his right to b "daddy" But when he is in the picture all he does is tell me how much he loves me and that he's sorry or tries to fight any guy that i get with. He doesnt need to be around my son. He doesnt want him, he;s a control freak he thinks if he holds my son over my head he can control me. But after being away from him and seein how happy me and my son can be. im not going to let him come around and hurt us anymore.

User - posted on 11/24/2008

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my ex and i have been seperated for almost 2 yrs now. i have an almost 6 yr old and a 3 yr old. i have been through courts and everything with him fighting me for the girlz, but yet he has every second weekend access but doesnt have them anyway. he has only had the girlz 9 times in almost 2 yrs. i still know what u mean by feeling lonely. no matter how many friends and how much support u have nothing is like having someone to share the good and bad times with your kidz with.

Lauren - posted on 11/24/2008

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It is an emotional and difficult roller coster. It is a sad idea to think that someone doesn't want anything to do with you or your child. I feel sad for my girl everyday, and sometimes I am sad that I am alone, without a partner to share in the growth and life of me and my child. I have learned to accept it the way it is, and it actually feels a lot better when you do come to grasps with the situation. For everyone the healing process is different, so use the support that you have. I have made a concerted effort to get out of my place everyday with my daughter. I want life to go on, and I want to find my happiness so that I can be the best parent that I can for my child. If I do not find where I want to be and make the effort to achieve the goals that I set forth for myself, I will be letting my daughter down. I am now working harder than ever to live up to my expectations of myself so that 20 years from now I can hold my head up high and say I did this all by myself. oh gtg little one is up....

Natasha - posted on 11/24/2008

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your on the money Twinkie!!! luvd reading your words!!! And yes its our responsibility to do our best!!

Christine - posted on 11/24/2008

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Wow, this is a group i can relate too! I am a single mother of a 2 and 4 month old. The Sperm donor has seen her a WHOLE 3 times( all before she was 6 months old!) He was not mentally ready to be a father or stable mentally. I went through a lot of emotional abuse from him while we were together. I am proud of the fact that i was going to be a mother and i stepped up to the plate and it is the best choice i have made. I was also engaged to him and left, he also kept all the baby stuff(crib etc) that i payed for half and i never seen the money back. he has only sent 1200 $ from him. I can say i am glad he is not involved but he does phone to play the poor me card and calls friends to be all poor me. He is also into drugs and is engaged again..so yea i can relate but when you look at the choice you made and how you bettered your child's life by that choice it is all worth it in the end and i would do it all again.

"Twinkie" - posted on 11/24/2008

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Wow. It hurts me to read these posts... all I can say is take care of yourselves ladies. None of this is your fault. But it is your responsibility... and when the sperm donor doesn't take his responsibility... we get the double because we love our children more then anything. Just let them go. Their idiots that don't have a damn clue what their missing out on. Enjoy each first and every moment double. And know your children will love you double. Yes it's hard to be alone... just wait until your son's are 13... but seriously, just keep on loving them and be honest with them. Coach their sports teams or be the den mother or the math team coach... whatever. Be involved with them so they will always know you will always be there for them. You will never abandon them. And then, when possible, even if just for a moment at the end of the day... take that moment for yourself. Love yourself. Love your choice and love every moment ((EVEN WHEN ITS the TOUGHEST)) with your child.

Natasha - posted on 11/24/2008

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Shaunny - never blame yourself you did nothing wrong ... Dont apologise to your children..you are there for them !!!!



Carmen - i do understand what your going through & hope the sunshine brightens your day more and more each one!!!! it all gets easier

Natasha - posted on 11/24/2008

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Oh, just wanted to say thou Not all men are made out of the Bad Mould!! i have aqauintances & friends whom have met men that have welcomed their children into their lives as their own. Im an adopted child & my father is my father!!! i also have a stepdad whom welcomed me with open arms!! they are great men.. keep the prayers up & you will recieve

[deleted account]

i deffently got myself a dead beat dad i was 4 mths pregnant when he left got a new gf moved in and now she 5 almsot 6 mths pregnant and my sons almost 4 mths... he also has a 6 yr old my son is the only child he denys and wants nothing to do with,, my child support worker has to take him to court just to meet with him,, and i aslo have the gf on my case.. knowing i love dhim... makes it harder that i picked such a loser.. and i alsway look at my son seeing his dad in him AND WHISPER I AM SORRY!!

Natasha - posted on 11/24/2008

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Just wanted to say Brenda & all the girls ...i had a tear reading these notes.. i have a daughter 12yr old..my partner left when i found out was prgnant and that i didnt want to terminate! i went through my pregnancy all of it on my own..with really only 2friends no family ...my daughter was the greatest gift i wouldnt change a thing ...i have been emotional at times yet i look at my daughter & see that she is a strong willed girl with determination&courage&confident ...luv watching her laugh & enjoy life - maybe watching me over the years struggle(yet keep a positive outlook) sends her the message WE CAN DO IT!!!! us women can do anything!!! if the men dont want to be involved, that is their loss TRue?? as long as we have our children being loved,nutured & fun times together what more could we want . Iam proud to be a single mum of 12 yrs & have accomplished a lot when it seemed impossible back decade ago . I feel empowered not taking emotional crap from the ex & not allowing violent behaviour and NOT tolerating any kind of verbal/physical abuse You can do it girls!!! im thinkn this site is wonderful for us to kepp spurring each other on!! we only here for a short time why not make it the best we possibly can!!

User - posted on 11/24/2008

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My daughter is 10 months and she doesn't even know her dad because he has only seen her twice! For me it was very hard because he has another daughter that is 10 months older then my daughter and he is there for her but wants nothing to do with my daughter. But I learned to do without him and just be strong her myself and her! Since I did that it is so much easier, here recently he has helped with her layaway for chirstmas and even put gas in my car, but he has not mention to see her and I am fine with that because I would rather he go away! We were once engaged and talking how family would be great, he even planned it! So it hurt at one point now I love seeing him doing things for me, but now I have the upper hand!

Amy - posted on 11/24/2008

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Well, I am at the point where I wish his dad would just leave us alone.. He has not seen his son for a month, and has and just decides to call when he wants and tell me I should drive down and see him, but he can't come because he is too busy with work. He tampers with my emotions and makes comments such as, wanting me to finish breast feeding so he can take my son for the weekend.. He hasn't even taken the time to know how to take care of him! But all he wants is to take him from me.. I want him to be either all in, or all out.. not this back and forth, show of my trophy son when I have time to kind of father.
I don't even know what to do with him

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